That you should do a job you don't like for the good of the family?

[Wrongornot]

DH left old job 6 months ago.

Old Job:

Reasonable money
40 miles each way commute
Starts of 4am
Works 5 over 7 inc weekend never 2 days off together
Physical job

New job:

Works 4 on 4 off
50% payrise on previous job
8am - 6pm
10 miles commute
Desk job

He has just told me that he is going back to his old job as of next week.

I hit the roof. It will mean less money (to the point we will struggle, esp due to petrol cost), less time (need to go to bed very early), I will be by myself with DCs in the morning again, I can't stay away from home for my job as he is away at 3am, meaning I am not going to progress in my career, he is not getting any younger and the job is very physical. He will be stuck in this job forever more as I would imagine he would be too scared to ever try anything new again.

However, he says he hates new job but can't quite say why. Mainly down to being in an office environment with a bit more responsibility. He has had nothing but praise and his new employers and very upset and can't understand why he is leaving. Neither can I - AIBU?

**penis. FFS, phone.

I would be furious OP but I'm not sure what you can actually do about it now that he has resigned & has old job sorted.

Totally disrespectful not to discuss it with you first, very much a joint decision.

Euphemia, yep. Poor OP. I think I'd find this incredibly hard to forgive.

Could you get an au pair and go full steam ahead on your career? See if DM/DMIL can give you a bit of a break at weekends? Not easy I know, but in the long run building your career may pay off, given that you're married to someone who doesn't seem to see the two of you as a team and whose long term earning potential is poor. You are right to be concerned that people cannot continue with full on physical work forever, as well.

YANBU I'd be livid.

If my DP felt like this (and tbh he did in one job), I'd expect him to talk to me & discuss options before making any rash decisions. After all, career changes affect the entire household.

Both our roles restrict the other's options (pretty normal I'd have thought) so we talk about them. He's turned down interesting roles that would have had a major impact on us - as have I - but we've always gone through the pros and cons / options together.

TBH if it were me, I would be most concerned about the lack of conversation. It would make me feel my DP was unreliable. (Will he suddenly quit a job with no back up? Reduce hours without consultation?) I'm not saying your DP would do these things, but that would be the thoughts going through my mind.

OP - that is awful. He seems to think that he'll have less pressure in the old job and that things can just go back to how they were. Well they can't, can they?

You've moved on, you have the prospect of a decent career and you need to do courses and overnights to make that happen. He cannot opt out of this - you really mustn't let him by facilitating this 'easier' life. It certainly won't be easier for you. So make him sort out childcare for your nights away, don't let him off domestic chores 'can't cover for you again - I've got to work', and like fuck would I be letting him have a lie in on his days off if you don't get a day off yourself. It's really, really shitty but please don't let this ruin your chances of a fulfilling, interesting and lucrative career. You never know where you'll be in a few years and you'd never, ever forgive him (or yourself) if it all went pear-shaped and you were left with nothing.

OP you are YANBU. He has made a decision for the whole family but thinking only of himself.
This thread isn't really about if he should stay in the job or not is it? It's about discussing all options with your partner and making joint decisions as to what is best for the family as a whole. Sometimes that might mean doing a job you don't like, sometimes it might be best to go back to an old one, sometimes that could be looking for a new one entirely.
OP reading your posts one thing really stands out to me. I am wondering if the four days off and increased family time that you really love is actually something your DH is struggling to get used to. I wonder if he doesn't really want more time with the kids now that he has experienced it. Maybe he doesn't think it's been as wonderful as you have found it. Perhaps it's the change in his home life that he is struggling with.
Sounds like he may be missing his old life, colleagues and routine.

Also if he's not used to having the kids on his own then you going away for work is probably quite daunting.

He needs to talk to you about what it is exactly that caused him to go back to his old job. Saying "I just didn't like it" is not reason enough to reduce the household income considerably, put more pressure on you with childcare and hinder your career progression.

How are you today, OP?

Id be fuming too OP.

A few months ago i was in a job i hated, i felt like crying every time i realised it was time to leave for work, my employers where fucking awful. I could have gone back to the job id done previous to that, they had left the door open for me, but i sat and discussed it with my DP (because that's what partners should do) who suggested it would be a step backwards.

I found something else and now work much better hours (i used to work 5 days out of 7, had to work every weekend) i now work 8 days on 6 days off.

He should have looked for something better, not just gone back to a job that makes family life hard.

I'd be fuming if DP did this. He's causing the issues here and should have discussed this all properly with the OP.

And if I were OP's DM, then I would actually NOT be helping them out too much with childcare. For the simple reason that it would actually enable the DH to justify his decision. Because I know my DD would discuss the situation with me.

OP's DM and DMIL could still be working themselves. And even if they are not, why would they want to tie themselves up with providing what could be an enormous amount of childcare, going by the description of how it would have to work.

An au pair may be a good option, allowing the OP to progress in her career.

What a difficult situation op I have been in a job I hated, I cried the whole way home in my car every single day. I was miserable at home and it impacted on the whole family. I never told anyone how unhappy I was but seemingly it was obvious and one day my mum pulled me to one side and it all came out - I cried solid for like three days I had tried so hard to hold it in at home but the dams opened and that was that. My problem was a really unpleasant manager rather than the actual work though.

Anyway, I can empathise with your dh and if he truly is unhappy like I was then he absolutely needs a change. However going back to the old job is such a dreadful plan! Did he even try and look elsewhere? I am so sorry you are going through this and I would be very hurt and disappointed too, I really think it would have a huge impact on my marriage. YANBU at all

I would be seriously pissed off.

I get that he is unhappy in the new job. Ok, fine - no one should be forced to stay long term in a job they hate. But the answer isn't to sack it off without even trying, make your wife completely responsible for all the family stuff and go back to your old job is it? You stick the new job out for a year or so, get experience and then move on, to something better.

Op, he has behaved appallingly. I say this as someone who has a job that has in the past almost caused me to have a breakdown. I stuck it out because I knew I was getting experience and it'd widen my options.

I understand why you are annoyed

I also guess that he didn't realise that his old job suited him better and now he does

I know the deed is done but something I'm curious about it in terms of him moving on again - I'm guessing he must like the old shift pattern better or likes the physical work better? The latter seems more likely I found it very hard to go from a physical job to an office job, I work out daily because sitting in an office means I "need" to or I will go nuts.

I guess the thing would be to talk to him to see if he can get whatever he likes about the job he is returning to, in a way that is more suitable for the whole family?

I wouldn't worry too much about having a crazy CV - mine was nuts for a while and I always managed to get the next job. Also, this is actually quite easy to explain - he made a change after 15 years, it didn't suit, the previous employer was happy to take him back - makes him look much better than a candidate who hasn't shown any loyalty or made a good impression. Plus the interim employer can give him a reference too.

I have similar experience to Spartan, ilovesooty, and MissDuke so I could project my own experience on to this and say his decision-making is out of whack through desperation. Having said that, when I quit my job we didn't yet have children.

But I am also reading what others have said and I think YANBU. He has perhaps taken a simplistic approach to this without any consultation with you and no other signs of anxiety or depression that could explain it.

I would add that (unlike some on here) I don't think most people do hate their job. I would never go back to a situation where I did

Things are grim.

Said that I wasn't sure that I could go on like that for the rest of our lives (given that there is no chance of him now changing jobs again) and that we might be better going our separate ways.

He was so shocked and upset which then turned to anger towards me - saying that it was me who was being selfish and breaking up the family.

I have not got the strength to argue any more. He is working today so I have moved all my things into the spare room.

He text at lunchtime saying "if I stay with can we stay together". I didn't reply. WTF is the point of texting that when a) the deed is done and b) if things are that bad he would resent me forever for making him stay.

I have surprised myself by how calm I am now, all my range and fight has gone. I have only ever had one other relationship and when it broke down it felt as though my world had ended. This does not. Does that mean that things were fundamentally wrong in the relationship anyway or does it mean that deep down I don't believe we would split? I don't know.

Thanks again for all the advice/info/suggestions/support.

It sounds like he has realised the damage he has done and is wondering if he can take back his resignation.

Perhaps you could compromise on him going back to new job and looking for something else, but that is more family friendly?

Your lack of emotion could be that it hasnt hit you yet or, and this is the way I am leaning, this act has been the final realisation of his withdrawal from family life and his utter lack of support and consideration for you over the years. He didnt give you a seconds thought did he? And when you realise just how little you mean to someone, it can kill love very quickly.

Thats not to say you cant get it back, and he is obviously beginning to see how his actions have affected you, but it will mean hard work on both sides, not just on yours. Do you think he is up to that?

You say that you dont think him staying in new job will work, but it could. Do you think you may be looking for a reason to end it now?

Yanbu op. I get it, I've been in a job I hated and dreaded coming in to work so I understand. But to do this without consulting you at all, knowing the impact it would have on you and the family is bloody selfish. And I expect he purposefully didn't consult you as he knew you'd say no. Still, that's no excuse. And he can stop blaming you and turning this round on you! This was his decision so it's up to him to make it work. And that includes your job. I'd be fuming.

The point is, it doesn't just affect him.

Don't do anything rash in response to his text.

So he's panicking now and still not thinking anything through "if I stay in this job can we stay together" like a little kid.

You need to sit down with him and have a proper talk, what the options are, why he is uphappy, why he didn't talk to you first, why you are so upset about what he's done, just how it will affect your life and career. Whether he genuinely can withdraw his resignation, whether that is an option given how much he hates it. Why does he hate it, how is it making him feel? Desperately awful or just a bit pissed off? Was his plan a sudden decision or had he been thinking about it for a while? Why didn't he apply for anything else? And etc and so forth. Then when you both know where you're at, you can make a plan about how to proceed.

And that it's not, he does something without thinking about you, you say no no that's not the right thing to do, he says sorry I won't do it then. That's like you're his mum or something, it's not down to you to tell him what to do, it's down to the two of you as adults to decide what to do so that any benefits and detriments are more evenly disrtibuted. And maybe there is a way, where it's benefits all round.

Your words were extreme. Did you really mean that?

I can't tell from your posts whether there has been any calm discussion of this - with you telling him him how this makes you feel, and him explaining why it came to him taking this unilateral decision.

Do you really think he can't understand what he's done?

I agree his text was quite 'childish'. Not very psychologically aware.

Agree with WhirlpoolGalaxy