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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

That you should do a job you don't like for the good of the family?

177 replies

Wrongornot · 18/07/2015 16:23

DH left old job 6 months ago.

Old Job:

Reasonable money
40 miles each way commute
Starts of 4am
Works 5 over 7 inc weekend never 2 days off together
Physical job

New job:

Works 4 on 4 off
50% payrise on previous job
8am - 6pm
10 miles commute
Desk job

He has just told me that he is going back to his old job as of next week.

I hit the roof. It will mean less money (to the point we will struggle, esp due to petrol cost), less time (need to go to bed very early), I will be by myself with DCs in the morning again, I can't stay away from home for my job as he is away at 3am, meaning I am not going to progress in my career, he is not getting any younger and the job is very physical. He will be stuck in this job forever more as I would imagine he would be too scared to ever try anything new again.

However, he says he hates new job but can't quite say why. Mainly down to being in an office environment with a bit more responsibility. He has had nothing but praise and his new employers and very upset and can't understand why he is leaving. Neither can I - AIBU?

OP posts:
Original poster
Wrongornot · 18/07/2015 16:41

Thats the thing though - how could he get a new job now?

His CV will look shit for one thing, 15 years with a company, 6 months away and then back. Plus what if he hated another new job - no guarantees that his old job would have him back a second time and then what? No job could have looked better on paper (or in reality imo) than his new job.

So that is us, forever.

OP posts:
PogoBob · 18/07/2015 16:43

Everyone saying the DH shouldn't have to stay in a job he 'hates', why should his wife live a life she hates with money worries, no parenting support and no time with her partner.

I especially struggle with the whole him hating his job thing if he can't explain why. There is a difference between preferring his old job and being miserable in his new job. It's not just about him, it's about his whole family.

Spartans · 18/07/2015 16:43

He should have discussed it with you further. I can only assume he didn't because he knew you would kick off.

If he is normally a good husband and father, that would suggest he REALLY hates his job and couldn't face having to argue his case to you.

If he is normally a knob who does what he wants regardless, then you wouldn't be shocked he didn't tell you.

ilovesooty · 18/07/2015 16:44

If he'd spoken about it and then decided he couldn't go on till Christmas he must be very unhappy, but he does need to tell you why.

StillStayingClassySanDiego · 18/07/2015 16:45

Bloody hell Wrong, where do you go from here?

RandomMess · 18/07/2015 16:45

What is your earning potential like?

Could he reduce his hours and you work more/career progress?

Is there anything he can now do to improve your quality of life due to his unilateral choice to put you back in a difficult situation?

ilovesooty · 18/07/2015 16:46

Yes but your reality was evidently not his reality. He was working every day in the new job - you weren't.

PoppyBlossom · 18/07/2015 16:46

Honestly, the lack of communication and thought for you would make me question if I want to be in a relationship with him. Not saying ltb, but would you be happier if you could advance by youreelf? This man has no ambition for his family and no consideration for you.

Original poster
Wrongornot · 18/07/2015 16:47

He is not a knob - he is a good man and father.

Which fucks me off even more because I know we will see less of each other and have no family time again.

It must be really bad for him, but I wish he could explain why? Who would want to give up four days off in a row, money and decent hours?

OP posts:
StillStayingClassySanDiego · 18/07/2015 16:48

Wrong , why did he leave the original job in the first place?

ilovesooty · 18/07/2015 16:50

I've been with my company for over 11 years. Last year I secured what looked like a great job. It was part time and I went part time in my current job to take it.

I hated it. It made me ill I was so unhappy. Thankfully my company gave me my full time hours back and I quit after 3 months. The new job didn't want me to leave.

I can see how he might be feeling but I do think he needs to talk to you.

morethanpotatoprints · 18/07/2015 16:51

YABU nobody does a job they hate if they have choices and he is part of the family, so doing a job he hates doesn't help the family.

YANBU to want progression in your career and you will both need to compromise somewhere, so you are both happy.

NinkyNonkers · 18/07/2015 16:51

It sounds tough for him, but as your career effectively has to take a back seat in order for him to do that job it ought to be a joint decision.

Original poster
Wrongornot · 18/07/2015 16:52

I did a really terrible thing earlier and I went through his work phone to see if I could see anything to make me understand more, but there was nothing but positive e-mails/messages and he seemed to be in total control.

My earning potential could be great and I was starting to make progress. I had suggested to him weeks ago that if things were that bad he should look for a less well paid job, but closer to home and less hours. He could do house/kids and I could push my career (there is a "scheme" at work I would love to participate in but it is very full on).

Just feel we are now trapped.

I did threaten to LTB in the heat of the moment, but didn't really mean it. I don't think

OP posts:
G1veMeStrength · 18/07/2015 16:53

I am sick of my job. But I keep going to work because our family life, routine, schedule, finances, etc is based on me doing x job and DH doing y job. That's life with bills to pay innit. Once mortgage is a lot smaller and kids are a lot bigger I can hopefully change to something else. But for now I suck it up because I need to provide for DC.

PourquoiTuGachesTaVie · 18/07/2015 16:53

I have just given up ok money, term time flexible work which I don't have to take home with me, very good benefits and pension because it has made me fucking miserable for 5 years now. You only get one shot at life and I'm not wasting it on a job I hate.

Spartans · 18/07/2015 16:54

What you are saying is that dh must do a job that makes him miserable because You liked the way things were.

There has to be room to compromise. If he isn't isually a knob it must be bad. You need to speak to him and work out what you can do, once you have all calmed down

Original poster
Wrongornot · 18/07/2015 16:54

He had been looking for a new job for about a year before he got this one (just tentatively looking - this was his first interview). He wanted the 9-5 lifestyle that I had, he had been up for two promotions at his old work and never got them and was generally pissed off with the place Confused

OP posts:
BinToHellAndBack · 18/07/2015 16:54

That's a rubbish situation for both of you (him because a job you hate sucks, you because you have been steamrollered in the decision making).

In my book something like this that has a big impact on both of your finances and family time needs to be a joint decision, even if he gets a bit more sway as the one who actually has to do the job.

WhirlpoolGalaxyM51 · 18/07/2015 16:54

If DH went off and arranged things, so that I had to put my job on the backburner and explain to my employer why I could no longer do certain parts of the role, and accept the loss in advancement and earnings that comes with that, and leave me with much more childcare, and hardly ever seeing him, and reducing our income by 50% without consulting me about it I would hit the fucking roof too right.

WTF was he thinking. What is he saying now? Has he provided solutions to your work problems that he has caused? What does he say about them? What has he had to say about how he will resolve any or all of the problems that this unilateral decision has caused?

Really can't understand the handful of posters on the thread who think his behaviour is reasonable.

ilovesooty · 18/07/2015 16:57

Porquoi I hear you. I gave up 4k extra salary to go back. No one in my new job could see why, but it made me so miserable I just couldn't stick it out. There's a world of difference between being a bit pissed off and truly miserable.

PourquoiTuGachesTaVie · 18/07/2015 16:57

He is not bu to quit, but you could explain that you aren't sacrificing any more of your career for him and he has to sort the childcare etc himself.

Original poster
Wrongornot · 18/07/2015 16:57

I just think that if it was me, I would have sucked it up for the four days. Never more than 4 days away from 4 days off sounds like a dream!

We had weekends away as a family, days out, the house has never been so well maintained and we have lost all that now.

It worked out at something like one weekend day off every 8 weekends previously, and he usually spent that sleeping as he was so knackered and then went to bed early as he was back up at 3 the next morning.

I am howling writing this as I can't believe we are going back to that.

OP posts:
Bogeyface · 18/07/2015 16:59

then I think that you have to insist that whatever he does, you will not be compromising your job for his.

He made this decision unilaterally and therefore must be prepared for whatever consequences that means. If that means unpaid time off because you are part of this new scheme that will progress your career then so be it.

You have to stand firm otherwise it will always be like this and the resentment will destroy your marriage. Do not let his actions ruin a potential success for you.

Just say to him "What are you planning to do to cover the time I am away and at work?" Dont solve it for him, dont allow him to suggest that you are being unreasonable for not suddenly giving it all up for his job, just ask him how he intends to deal with it. Make it clear that you scaling back your work is not, and will never be, an option.

WhirlpoolGalaxyM51 · 18/07/2015 17:00

They are going to struggle to find someone affordable to do really strange hours. We have this, DH works shifts and I sometimes am away for work. It's a big juggle, and if he's on a shift where he leaves at 4.30am then that's a problem as clearly finding someone to come to the house for 4am and sit there and wait for the kids to wake up and take them to school is a bit hard to find! As it is he doesn't really like me going away for work anyway but you know what we talk about it and try to compromise and make things work as best we can.

What OP DH has done is awful.

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