Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

...to be hurt by not being asked to be bridesmaid?

490 replies

BridesNayed · 16/07/2015 18:59

I sort of know that I am. But I'm very upset (currently in 2ww so hoping some of this is early preg symptoms).

Friend A is getting married. For 20 years (since start of high school) my friendship group has been a fivesome (including me). Friend A has asked B, C and D to be her bridesmaids (as well as sister and cousin) and not me. I know it's totally U to have any expectation of being a BM but I'm very hurt that she chose the other three and not me because in my eyes, we're all equal friends. If anything, A sees B and C a little bit more often because they live in the same city, but hasn't seen D for 6 months and told me last month that she wasn't that close to D at the moment since an extremely drunken argument between A and D at another wedding last autumn which resulted in D hitting A. I see her approx once a month because I am often in her city for work. I would say we are very close.

It's so stupid I know, but I can't help but reconsider the whole of our friendship. I'm absolutely gutted that she doesn't consider me a close enough friend compared to the others.

DH reckons I should ask her why she didn't pick me. I think this is a ridiculous idea because it's not about me. I know I can't say anything because it's her bride prerogative to have who she wants, but sucking it up and grinning is really hard and I just wanted to know if the general consensus was that these feelings are unreasonable or not.

OP posts:
Hepzibar · 27/07/2015 20:08

I don't think you've heard the last of this OP.

LittleChinaPig · 27/07/2015 20:09

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

jelliebelly · 27/07/2015 20:11

Good on you for calling her - eventually! At least you know where you stand now but I'd seriously be reconsidering the friendship - you are going to feel very left out of all the wedding preparations and the day itself.

She has been massively inconsiderate and I suspect May live to regret the choice but this is why I hate big weddings..

jelliebelly · 27/07/2015 20:12

Agree with LittleChinaPig - I suspect she doesn't want a pregnant or post partum bridesmaid to contend with!

Phoenix0x0 · 27/07/2015 20:14

Well done for calling.

If she was a true friend she would have told you before being asked to explain.

I wasn't asked to be bridesmaid for my BF (she also had five). However, I was honoured to be asked to do a reading and help organise the hen do. She also explained before as to why before it got awkward.

Some ten years later we are still best friends.

Aeroflotgirl · 27/07/2015 21:05

Well done for calling, she sounds a bit lame tbh, and very insensitive. She obviously does not feel you are as close as B or C, despite how you feel. At least you know where you stand. I woukd book myself a lovely weekend away on the weekend of the wedding and enjoy yourself. Tbh Bride dies not sound very caring, and concerned fir yiu and and how you might feel, Mabey because she dies not see you as close as friend as the others or gas very little awareness.

bigbumtheory · 27/07/2015 21:17

Good for calling OP. Sadly, it does show she doesn't value your friendship as much if she couldn't take five minutes to talk to you and only chose C because she's recently had more to do with her!

Enjoy your wine and enjoy the fact that as you aren't a bridesmaid you don't have to do anything to support the Bride on the run up to her day unless you want too.

Enkopkaffetak · 27/07/2015 22:02

Well done for phoning.

manicinsomniac · 27/07/2015 22:04

I think she has been astonishingly insensitive and it's really odd that she wouldn't predict how this would make you feel. One more bridesmaid to include all (or one fewer so you weren't the only one left out) would not have made that much difference.

I'm going to go against the grain though and say I wouldn't end the friendship over it. She (for whatever weird reason) doesn't seem to see it as a big deal and still appears to think of you as a good friend. So, though I'd be hurt, I think I'd just roll with it and not make it any more of an issue.

KitNCaboodle · 27/07/2015 22:11

Has your friend always been so socially clueless? You did well to phone and ask. Well done.

Wishful80sMontage · 27/07/2015 22:12

Well done for calling her and asking her OP, although you should d have had to- she should have told you her (shitty) reason for not choosing you and never in a million years put it on FB instead of telling you directly.
She has made you feel awkward and I'm sure she's made your friends feel awkward too with her cowardly ways :(
Don't let her drag you down to her level or push you out of the friendship group- her actions speak for themselves and I'm sure if the other bridesmaids have anything about them they'd be so disapointed in the way she's handled the situation.
Hold your head high OP

bringthenoise · 27/07/2015 22:14

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

oneowlgirl · 27/07/2015 22:14

I completely agree with Manic & also agree that I wouldn't end the friendship over it given the history you all have. Rotten situation for you though - so sorry!

bringthenoise · 27/07/2015 22:16

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

magoria · 27/07/2015 22:18

So worried about hurting you she didn't say anything in advance (you would have accepted it if you had been told before) and told all the others to keep quiet and not to mention.

Bollocks. This was done deliberately. How else did she think you were going to feel about such a deliberate exclusion?

You may think you are a close friend. She doesn't. If you are happy to carry on a friendship on that level then go for it.

I suggest you look for new friends at the same time.

Sadit · 27/07/2015 22:23

She's a cunt so are the others. Fuck em of.
Hope she invites you to the wedding and tells you to bring the baby and you turn up with triplets looking fab. That'll take the attention of her.

DocHollywood · 27/07/2015 22:32

I think I would've had to have said to her that it was understandable to have chosen C but to choose D as one of the five was a bit more difficult to understand. (Based on what you've told us)

kiwimumof2boys · 28/07/2015 03:00

Is she still having D (who slapped her?!) as well?

ChaircatMiaow · 28/07/2015 04:01

Well done OP for putting on your big girl pants and calling her.

I think it's all BS though - if she wasn't aware that you'd have any feelings on the matter, why instruct the others to keep their mouths shut at dinner? Going forward, I wouldn't trust this woman as far as I could throw her and wouldn't be pulling away from the friendship. And the others are bloody complicit in this. What a bunch of bitches. A gaggle of wagons.

Enjoy your Wine

BuyMeAPony · 28/07/2015 04:14

If it helps, I only had one of my sisters and my god daughter as bridesmaids. My reasoning was that I didn't want to go on forever.

However all the sisters I left out have had all the other sisters except me as bridesmaids. They have had my little DDs as flower girls but it still hurts every wedding. But I guess - by this thread - it was i who started it!

Fizrim · 28/07/2015 08:19

I would be wary of dropping the friendship based purely on this - would you have expected her to drop you after you didn't pick her? If you feel she has been deliberately hurtful then you are more likely to pull away. Does she have history of being like this?

I can see that it's difficult if she has picked the rest of the group (especially someone who hit her!) and while her way of announcing it was not great, I suspect you would have felt the same even if she'd told you beforehand.

Aeroflotgirl · 28/07/2015 08:48

Fiz, it's not about that I guess, but obviously now op thought she was a good friend then she actually was. Yes it was handled very badly by tge bride, still is. Instead of bride reassuring her, and acting like a good friend woukd, has made her feel more awkward. I guess this has changed the friendship somewhat, Mabey op will distance herself a bit and not become too over involved in that friendship group. They do sound very immature and silly.

CuppaTeaAndAJammieDodger · 28/07/2015 09:22

I think you should now politely refuse her wedding invitation with the explanation that you've been invited to so many this year and decided you had to limit your wedding attendance to 5 (I know, I'm childish and petty but that was such a shit excuse from her!).

SuperFlyHigh · 28/07/2015 09:24

Well at least you asked and at least you got a straight answer.

I also feel as Hepzibar says you haven't heard the last of this.

and it's to do with you being pregnant or turning up with a baby (is there a no babies/kids rule at this wedding?).

I'd personally cut myself off - anyone who has friends who fight at an important occasion and then acts like this... very school girl but quite common in adult hood. wait for any of them to 'return' to you.

her reasoning is total bullshit and puts into sharp contrast your friendship not only with her but the other so called 'friends'. galling after 20 years. Sad

WayneRooneysHair · 28/07/2015 09:28

I don't think that the BM or the others are 'cunts' and the more I think about it the more I wonder why the BM has to explain herself? I get that you are disappointed but it's her decision.

At least you got an answer.

Swipe left for the next trending thread