...to be hurt by not being asked to be bridesmaid?

[BridesNayed]

I sort of know that I am. But I'm very upset (currently in 2ww so hoping some of this is early preg symptoms).

Friend A is getting married. For 20 years (since start of high school) my friendship group has been a fivesome (including me). Friend A has asked B, C and D to be her bridesmaids (as well as sister and cousin) and not me. I know it's totally U to have any expectation of being a BM but I'm very hurt that she chose the other three and not me because in my eyes, we're all equal friends. If anything, A sees B and C a little bit more often because they live in the same city, but hasn't seen D for 6 months and told me last month that she wasn't that close to D at the moment since an extremely drunken argument between A and D at another wedding last autumn which resulted in D hitting A. I see her approx once a month because I am often in her city for work. I would say we are very close.

It's so stupid I know, but I can't help but reconsider the whole of our friendship. I'm absolutely gutted that she doesn't consider me a close enough friend compared to the others.

DH reckons I should ask her why she didn't pick me. I think this is a ridiculous idea because it's not about me. I know I can't say anything because it's her bride prerogative to have who she wants, but sucking it up and grinning is really hard and I just wanted to know if the general consensus was that these feelings are unreasonable or not.

Hi op first off great name. Secondly sorry about the ttc it sounds hard. Finally these weird people who hit each other when drunk and are rude to you can carry on with their funny ways without you. Concentrate on your brilliant sounding dh and other more important stuff.

I bet you are absolutely stunningly beautiful OP

My theory from the start of the thread

What are you going to do brides

Op if you really canot talk to the bride, tgat says a lot about her, then I would at least e mail her or PM her on Facebook, explain how you feel. Then it's in the open, she can contact you if she wishes and you can explain properly to her, if she chooses not to, you can draw a line under that friendship, it speaks volumes, that she is euther in a huff or does not really care.

Bloody love Dowser's e mail - it's perfect

Hi OP I'm really sorry this has happened to you.

I would probably email myself rather than call as I hate confrontation. But even I wouldn't let this go, what a really nasty thing to do to you.

And if the TTC/pregnancy thing is a factor, it's a load of shit. Maternity Bridesmaid dresses exist. I was at my former best friend's wedding in one at 35 weeks looking like a Pink Glittery Whale

Very shabby behaviour. Not place marking. Oh no.

Really feel for you. I too think it's worth speaking to your 'friend', or at least sending a message on fb or e-mail. You sound so lovely and I can't believe people can sleep at night behaving so horribly.

It's either a combo of you possibly being pregnant or the fact you didn't ask her to be BM at your wedding.

Whatever it is, I'd speak to friend A first, ask for the reason why and then say about being hurt by being left out.

You could also write or ask to see other BMs and just put it on the line, ask if it's anything you've done etc, if necessary make them squirm. Or ask the most sympathetic one of the lot. Be prepared they'll pull ranks though which they already have done.

It is absolutely despicable that a 20 year friendship is in jeopardy over something bitchy or trivial, so I'd pull the "hurt" card.

You then have time after the above to decide what to do and if to end all these friendships and not go to the wedding.

Remember these so called "friends" sound a bit strange in the first place, fighting and then being friends after that, do you really want friends like that?! Also think of if you (not that you would) did similar to one of them, they'd be as hurt as you are now.

I also think you are quite possibly seen as "the nice one, who won't make a fuss" hence their treatment or maybe they for some reason see you being not as close to them.

For what it's worth I found that my own school friendships (which I assume these are) have mostly dissipated in the last few years, 3 of them completely fell out with for various reasons and different times over the years (got back in touch with 2 after long periods one not speaking and the other just not spoke since we were 15).

I am in touch with a few other school friends but it's very much arms length or as and when I choose to do so as we really have so little in common and 1 has been studying up north and the other lives in Leeds area anyway so rarely see them.

My current friends have known for approx 6-8 years are London based and we're fairly close. I must say though that also now (in past 3 years) I am bloody wary of becoming "best" or too close friends with people as its gone wrong in the past and I don't want it happening again!

Sounds awful and only one scenario really but I'd want it ironed out so I knew what had gone wrong.

What a horrible situation OP. Not being asked in the first place and no communication about it wasn't nice but the whole conspiracy of silence thing is just so nasty. It's so deliberate. I would probably send an email along the lines of "why the weirdness at dinner when your wedding was mentioned? Is something wrong?". Apart from anything else I would want her to know that I had clocked it. Chin up and good luck with the ttc, you don't need this stress and upset in your life.

You are just going to carry on going to meet ups and socialise knowing that they are all discussing you to some degree and deliberately excluding you?

You are a stronger person than me.

OP I have been there with my SIL. It hurt like heck. She also rubbed my face in it.

I ended up asking her straight out why she hadn't asked me (she had been mine) and I got some shite back about difficult choices or something.

A few months later she begged me to be her bridesmaid as the ones she had asked were utterly shit and were doing nothing... I told her to get stuffed but eventually agreed. She was very apologetic and later admitted it was because I'm quite slim(I kid you not) and taller than her. Bloody ludicrous but there you go...

I suspect something similar here. But whatever happens, you won't forgive and that is understandable

To be fair on the friends, the bride may have said I am/have spoken to OP about it so please don't bring it up in case it upsets her. But you won't know until you speak to her.

I think that this is retribution for not having any of your friends as bridesmaids at your own wedding. Yes, D didn't have any of you either, but the difference is that she didn't have any bridesmaids - you did. I think you're going to find that you aren't going to be asked to be a bridesmaid for any of them.

I imagine that depending on the real quality of your friendship, they will either be straight with you or you will get a variety of excuses ranging from you're ttc and may be pregnant / newly delivered at the wedding through to they all live near each other, thus making meet ups and wedding shopping / admin easier if its just them.

You need to clear the air, otherwise this is going to fester forever.

Carabos it was a totally different situation altogether, op had none of the others as BM and just her sister, bride has all the friendship group but op, even one that hit her . Bride has not called op for a chat and not behaved like a good friend shoukd. It does not look like op feels comfortable talking face to face with bride, I would not put myself through that if it's going to cause me such angst, instead op really shoukd e mail or PM her, explain how hurt she is.

I think that the reason sooooooo many people can relate and say they've been in the same situation is because the world is divided into confident and emotionally aware people who can make these decisions and communicate them without awkwardness, and those who are maybe a bit thoughtless, awkward, cowardly etc and just don't know what to say.

I have, indeed, been in this situation myself, including with my own brother and two or three close friends. These are all lovely people, who I love and I know they love and respect me, but I have actually heard the words "i didn't say anything because I didn't want to hurt you" come out of these previously caring and intelligent mouths enough times to have come to the following decision:

When someone is planning a special event, all decisions 're bridesmaids/ Godparents etc is entirely up to them, I am not going to take offense, get upset, or hold it against them, as long as every other aspect of our relationship stays the same.

Myself personally, at the point where one friend was giving the other evils, I would have said "hey guys, I know you're all bridesmaids, it's all on Facebook! It's totally cool, please don't think you have to watch what you say around me, because that's much more hurtful than not being asked ......"

Xxxx

If you could muster the strength to say what Rabbitwoman said, you'd sound extremely reasonable and emotionally balanced. Plus you'd leave all your options open for future friendships. And everything would be out in the open to be discussed without having caused a fuss. That's the way to go!

Op is hurt nuatually by brides actions, it was cause her to reevaluate the friendship. I don't think she should suck it up and hide her feelings or not 'make a fuss', she has every right to,feel the way she does, she was treated so badly by the bride, a friend she has known for 20 years. Tbh I don't think it would hurt bride to hear how op feels, especially she has show total disregard for her.

The issue for me wouldn't be the not being invited. It's that it would make me wonder if I'd been misreading signals and was perhaps not as welcome a member of the group as a whole as I used to be (not just A). I'd wonder if without realising it I'd become a slightly irritating friend or if I hadn't noticed that we'd all grown apart a bit.

If that's the case, then saying it's totally cool and being casual about it, but privately investing less in the friendship group, would be the way to go.

I wouldn't give up hope of staying loosely part of the group and getting on well with some of them just as much individually, but I'd definitely withdraw a bit from A, and from them as a group of 5 together.

That would be the dignified way to go, without throwing the baby out with the bathwater and totally withdrawing from all of them 100% - at the moment I don't think you've got enough evidence that all four of them feel differently about you to justify doing that.

If this happened to me, I'd assume it was down to weight and bad skin and a bridezilla not wanting those in her photos. In which case I would be hurt and disappointed and think a lot less of the bride, but I would be even less confrontational and I'd relish the fact that she would probably feel guilty about it forever, even if her photos looked better. A dignified silence after an initial 'hey it's cool, don't worry' would be essential for that. Asking about it would give all the power back to her.

I'd then refuse to do any role in the wedding that smacked of being delegated to backroom operations because I wasn't pretty enough to be a bridesmaid, and relax and enjoy it as an ordinary guest, and also enjoy the fact that her shallowness in filtering out the nonmatching bridesmaid would probably be completely obvious to other family and friends who knew us all .

I wouldn't even go, why put op through that, it would rub her face right on it. Definitely distance, yourself. I think saint you might be right, Mabey she is not as close to them as she thought. That was demonstrated through her not being asked to be BM and the others were.

I think I would need to know why. Without understanding, it will eat away at you and make you question yourself and relationships in the future.

In terms of how they've all behave, it is shitty whatever their reasons. Knowing what they are will help you to decide how you want to be with them in the future. And it will preserve your sanity. You're already hurt, understandably.

aeroflot I don't think it is a different situation - i think that friend D had no bridesmaids at all, so no-one was offended at not being asked. However, the OP did have a bridesmaid, thus raising the expectation among her close friends that they would all be asked, and creating offence when they weren't. I think the group is reading this as a group snub, so OP is being snubbed in return.

I think that when B & C get married, they will each have the other three as BMs, but not OP, which is why they're all going along with it.

It is different, it is not like with like. Ok then, other friend shoukd have had bride and the others as bridesmaid.

It sounds as though the others are edging op out of the group, hence bride as asked others to be BM and not op, as you said, the other two might have the others as BM and not op. Life us too shirt for this shit, I am sure op has other nicer friends to be involved in, and leave em to it I say.

If that's the case, that it all goes back to the OP's bridesmaid choice, then that's all the more reason to be dignified and slightly distant. OP should model the 'not offended' behaviour that they should have displayed themselves instead of bearing a grudge. That way they are denied the satisfaction of thinking "ha, now you know what it feels like" - let them think it feels fine, you don't care, it's entirely up to the bride who she has as bridesmaids.

Even though it is quite reasonable for the OP to feel hurt, because A is excluding just her rather than simply not having any friends as bridesmaids, she's probably still best hiding it if this is the real cause.