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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

...to be hurt by not being asked to be bridesmaid?

490 replies

BridesNayed · 16/07/2015 18:59

I sort of know that I am. But I'm very upset (currently in 2ww so hoping some of this is early preg symptoms).

Friend A is getting married. For 20 years (since start of high school) my friendship group has been a fivesome (including me). Friend A has asked B, C and D to be her bridesmaids (as well as sister and cousin) and not me. I know it's totally U to have any expectation of being a BM but I'm very hurt that she chose the other three and not me because in my eyes, we're all equal friends. If anything, A sees B and C a little bit more often because they live in the same city, but hasn't seen D for 6 months and told me last month that she wasn't that close to D at the moment since an extremely drunken argument between A and D at another wedding last autumn which resulted in D hitting A. I see her approx once a month because I am often in her city for work. I would say we are very close.

It's so stupid I know, but I can't help but reconsider the whole of our friendship. I'm absolutely gutted that she doesn't consider me a close enough friend compared to the others.

DH reckons I should ask her why she didn't pick me. I think this is a ridiculous idea because it's not about me. I know I can't say anything because it's her bride prerogative to have who she wants, but sucking it up and grinning is really hard and I just wanted to know if the general consensus was that these feelings are unreasonable or not.

OP posts:
AboutTimeIChangedMyNameAgain · 24/07/2015 08:29

Ooh I want an update to this thread! Have you heard from any of them OP?

MagpieCursedTea · 24/07/2015 10:08

I think OP is away at the moment, hopefully getting her mind off the whole thing!

kiwimumof2boys · 24/07/2015 11:18

Place marking. I think OP got called away with a work crisis?

Original poster
BridesNayed · 24/07/2015 21:08

Just got home after work nightmare week of travelling and fuck ups. No contact from anyone, but I haven't made contact either. Maybe this weekend. Although I am now thinking it might just be easier to leave it and avoid a fuss. Although appreciate this might just be my state of mind.

Also, got period so no baby this month. Handling this with wine.

OP posts:
Ohfourfoxache · 24/07/2015 21:17

Oh crap Sad

You've got to do what's best for you, and if that means minimal contact then so be it

Hepzibar · 24/07/2015 21:56

I say fuck 'em OP.

Aeroflotgirl · 24/07/2015 22:23

The radio silence from the lot of em speaks volumes. Mabey type an e mail to,the bride telling her of your hurt and draw a line under it. Flowers and Brew for you Sad

Aeroflotgirl · 24/07/2015 22:43

Sorry it's taken you 20 years to find out they were really not your friends.

ColdTeaAgain · 24/07/2015 23:24

Agree with Aero, write an email saying you feel hurt being excluded and the "no wedding talk" at the meal made it clear they all knew it was awkward. Go to the wedding and then just let the friendship drift. Sometimes these things just run their course. Fingers crossed for a bfp for you soon Flowers

Aeroflotgirl · 24/07/2015 23:42

I wouldent even go to the wedding, if I were in op position, I çoukd not put myself through that, it's 18 months away. By the sounds of it, I doubt op will now be invited to the wedding. I think tge 'friendships' over,

HowD · 24/07/2015 23:45

I would not go to the Wedding either.

AboutTimeIChangedMyNameAgain · 24/07/2015 23:51

Or the hen weekend. Assuming the op is invited.

I'm so sorry. Bitches, the lot of them.

CamelHump · 24/07/2015 23:55

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

mateysmum · 25/07/2015 09:39

In the end, what you do next is down to how much (if at all) you want these friendships to survive and on what terms. Whatever happens, things can never be the same again. The bond of trust has been broken and in a very hurtful way.

If it was me I would really want to know WHY I had been left out, even if the reason was hurtful, at least then I would know where I stood, so I think I would have to say something to the bride, maybe along the lines of..." I enjoyed our meal the other day, but I was surprised we didn't talk about the wedding. You must be so excited about it. Have you chosen your bridesmaids yet?"...

Clearly the bride must realise that you are going to find out you are not a bridesmaid sooner rather than later, so pretending it's not happening just show her up to be a coward who thinks she can walk all over you and it will be OK.

Hussarsataparty · 25/07/2015 09:47

It might be a narrow escape ,

...to be hurt by not being asked to be bridesmaid?
DameMargaretOfChalfont · 25/07/2015 09:47

I agree with aero - I would draft an Email explaining how confused you were at the recent meal that there was no wedding chat and how you can only put this down to the fact that you were the only friend who had not been selected as a bridesmaid.

Ask the bride if you've done anything to upset her or if there's another reason for the lack of invite.

Be totally honest and explain how you feel hurt but also confused about events.

I think that this friendship can only be sustained if the matter is addressed and a possible resolution found. If nothing is addressed I fear you will lose 4 friends - bridezilla and the 3 bridesmaids - as they are complicit by not explaining to you what has gone on.

TopCivilServant · 25/07/2015 09:50

Hi OP, sorry about the period FlowersWineCake.
My concern with just leaving it completely is that it is now very awkward between you and all of these women. If you don't contact to find out what the hell is going on then it might be that they don't contact you either for fear of awkwardness and then you've lost friendships with all of them (massive cow bags that they are they don't deserve you so this may be a good thing).
Is there one who you are particularly close to who you could see and just lay it all out there and find out what's happened?
It would be awful long term never to hear from them and never know why.
They are all fuckers. You could totally be my bridesmaid

Aeroflotgirl · 25/07/2015 10:24

Bunch of cowards the lot of em. Real friends would have called. You to see how you are, if your ok. You just do not treat a friend like that. bride put it on Facebook, a public place, so of course op knows. Op if you don't feel up to contacting the bride(yiu have done nothing wrong), an e mail to her explaining that you know, how you feel. Ask why?

Aeroflotgirl · 25/07/2015 10:26

Your life is better than all this weight around your neck. Better to have a few salt of the earth type friends, than ones that smile in your face, and stab you in the back.

AboutTimeIChangedMyNameAgain · 25/07/2015 11:06

I wonder if the bride has been bitching about you for a while and this is her way of now ousting you from the group. The others may be nervous about making contact, but regardless they are complicit in this. Would you normally have heard from one of them by now?

Aeroflotgirl · 25/07/2015 14:54

The fact that you are scared to speak to her, after she has treated you like that, speaks volumes.

ChoccyLabsAreFab · 25/07/2015 15:28

You poor thing, what a thoughtless, if not, spiteful, 'friend' you have. There is clearly something more to this and, if I was you, I would have to know what it is by asking a straight question. Don't presume to tar the bridesmaids with the same brush though, they could very well be feeling dreadful about this but are now in an impossible position. If the bride is trying to ostracise you, don't give her that opportunity unless you know for sure that they are all united on it. Desperate to know what the hell is going on here!

Wishful80sMontage · 25/07/2015 15:32

I agree with Choccy the other bridesmaids might not have brought it up as they felt bloody awkward about it all rather than they had been discussing with bride beforehand. Don't let her force you out of the group OP.
Keep in touch with the rest like nothing's happened but I do think you'll need to have a discussion with bride soon or else it will be too late and your friendship will be ruined forever it won't be easy but you need to find out what's gone on here.

Dowser · 25/07/2015 16:00

Or you could just send her an email like this

Hi Aggie
I understand that you have asked Bertha, Cissy and Doris to be your bridesmaids at your forthcoming wedding and when I heard the good news I gave a great sigh of relief that you decided to omit me because it would have been my worse nightmare.

I would rather chew on my own leg than be involved with all the stress of 'being someone else's bridesmaid entails for example little or no choice over the colour of the dress, or style, the dreaded hen night when you have to act like you're having a good time even when most likely you are not and then theres not to mention any other additional expenses that might occur that you feel obliged to 'buy' into.

In fact I'm not really a great fan of weddings per se, often they are over blown, over rated and unless you are the bride downright boring so please don't feel the need to invite me and OH along either.

Alll in all, id like to wish you well and I'm sure the girls will do a great job and serve you well.

;-)

Hepzibar · 25/07/2015 16:40

I bet you are absolutely stunningly beautiful OP and she doesn't want you out shining her doing a Pippa Grin

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