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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

...to be hurt by not being asked to be bridesmaid?

490 replies

BridesNayed · 16/07/2015 18:59

I sort of know that I am. But I'm very upset (currently in 2ww so hoping some of this is early preg symptoms).

Friend A is getting married. For 20 years (since start of high school) my friendship group has been a fivesome (including me). Friend A has asked B, C and D to be her bridesmaids (as well as sister and cousin) and not me. I know it's totally U to have any expectation of being a BM but I'm very hurt that she chose the other three and not me because in my eyes, we're all equal friends. If anything, A sees B and C a little bit more often because they live in the same city, but hasn't seen D for 6 months and told me last month that she wasn't that close to D at the moment since an extremely drunken argument between A and D at another wedding last autumn which resulted in D hitting A. I see her approx once a month because I am often in her city for work. I would say we are very close.

It's so stupid I know, but I can't help but reconsider the whole of our friendship. I'm absolutely gutted that she doesn't consider me a close enough friend compared to the others.

DH reckons I should ask her why she didn't pick me. I think this is a ridiculous idea because it's not about me. I know I can't say anything because it's her bride prerogative to have who she wants, but sucking it up and grinning is really hard and I just wanted to know if the general consensus was that these feelings are unreasonable or not.

OP posts:
carabos · 27/07/2015 16:32

I may well be completely off beam with my theory of course, but if I'm right, then this is more than a grudge, it's a vendetta. For grown women to behave like this is ridiculous (by that I mean the not being straight with OP, looking daggers and all that). They could at least have said "look, we were really pissed off that although you had a bridesmaid at your wedding, you didn't ask us", but they haven't done that. It's playground politics.

TreadSoftlyOnMyDreams · 27/07/2015 16:40

DH asked a really good friend to be his best man after his chosen best man got very pissed and made him promise never to ask him as he'd be too deathly scared to stand up and make a speech, along with all the other gubbins.

So DH didn't ask him, asked him to do a reading instead [which he did beautifully] and asked another friend. Their friendship has never recovered and that's my theory as to why.

Aeroflotgirl · 27/07/2015 16:44

It is carabos, I feel that op is if the feeling tgat life's too short for this crap and is just distancing herself, instead of confronting the bride.

bigbumtheory · 27/07/2015 18:52

OP if you need to know then you need to ask sooner rather then leave until later, just to stop yourself fretting and wondering. If these are all your friends and those you consider close then can you sit there and smile and pretend is all fine without saying something? Or can you distance yourself and focus on more important and kind people?

Everyone can guess and theorise but all we actually know is that the Bride has been very discourteous and an appalling friend. Bridesmaids have either been bad friends too or believe you know and don't want to rub your face in wedding talk. Though in essence, the fact they are avoiding you does speak to it being the former.

I hope you had a good weekend and are putting this and these 'friends' behind you.

Original poster
BridesNayed · 27/07/2015 19:05

Right. I have to do it. But every time I think about calling her I just want to vomit. I really don't think it can be done on text or email. And I don't think it would be right to call one of the others. But I just really really don't want to confront her. I am seriously contemplating just keeping shtum forever and just carrying on being a close friend (but obviously not a best friend) but I don't know if I can trust my drunk future self to shut up at next drinking get together. What shall I do?

OP posts:
Gem124 · 27/07/2015 19:13

Do it!! You'll feel so much better once you get an answer. The friendship is already ruined, the least you deserve is an answer. Just have a very large glass of wine to hand. GOOD LUCK!

LHReturns · 27/07/2015 19:15

You deserve to know why, and you don't deserve to suffer through all the planning months with horrible bitchy dagger glances shooting amongst your friends.

Imagine what it will be like as you get really near the wedding, and there is a hen night, and rehearsal dinner etc and you still don't know why you aren't part of the main wedding party?

If you ask her you will have 5 minutes of pain, rather than months of swallowing your pride, keeping a stiff upper lip and smiling through your discomfort. You have NOTHING to feel uncomfortable about. I wish I could ask her for you I feel so defensive if your position. How good of you to be a normal fun friend at that dinner on the weekend!

You think any of them read AIBU? Surely they would recognise themselves?

quietbatperson · 27/07/2015 19:18

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

LilyMayViolet · 27/07/2015 19:20

I'd ask her op. It's really, really hard but then you'll know. I'd start with "this is really difficult for me to say but is there any reason why you didn't choose me as a bridesmaid when you chose the others. I've been wracking my brains as to how I've offended you". Then see what she says. I did something similar, not a bridesmaid thing but a bit like that. Yes, it was a bit awkward and upsetting but in my case it actually did sort of help.

fastdaytears · 27/07/2015 19:20

Pick up the phone now. Like pulling off a plaster. The longer you leave it the more stress you get and power she has. Have DH on hand with chocolate xx

bigbumtheory · 27/07/2015 19:20

To be honest OP, she may not answer the phone out of cowardice so I'd be prepared to text or email.

I agree with LHReturns, 5 minutes of pain only and then you truly know where you stand and why they are being this way. You don't have to go in all guns blazing just know what you want to say.

oneowlgirl · 27/07/2015 19:24

Write out what you want to say in advance, if that helps & then read from that.

Good luck as it's a horrible situation but I totally agree with the others that you'll regret it if you don't.

GColdtimer · 27/07/2015 19:26

You need to call her and just ask her the question. You will feel so much better when you do. You can't go on not knowing.

Yellowbird54321 · 27/07/2015 19:30

I can totally understand you being in two minds here OP, because on the one hand I'm thinking yes you do deserve an answer and why shouldn't you ask what's going on (you've not done anything wrong here!) On the other hand if you hate the idea of confrontation then I can see how a fuck em and distancing yourself approach (to the point of not going to the wedding at all) may be the way forward.
Good luck either way - you sound much nicer than these people.

Aeroflotgirl · 27/07/2015 19:32

Just call her. It speaks volumes about her if you have known her fir 20 years and she is supposed to be your best friend, and you cannot even confide in her. All my good friends, I wou,d be happy to have such a conversation with, I woukd nit be afraid of tgeur reaction. Tbh why woukd you still want to have anything g to do with people who treat you like this. Not one has contacted you to see how you are, they can probably tell yiur hurt.

Wishful80sMontage · 27/07/2015 19:38

I think the plaster analogy is right just don't think and do it. Yy to wine nearby for afters.
Good luck OP remember you are in the right here

Phoenix0x0 · 27/07/2015 19:46

Have a glass to calm your nerves before you call.

Don't think about what you will say although a few pointers written down would be good, I may be inclined to bypass the small talk and just ask her straight out!

So you didn't ask these friends to be your bridesmaids. The fact is you didn't play favourites, you played fair. She is not.

grumpasaur · 27/07/2015 19:52

You will feel so much better for calling. Even if it's bad news (so to speak), I always find not knowing is WAY worse than knowing!

Original poster
BridesNayed · 27/07/2015 19:55

Thanks for the moral support. DH is pouring the wine as I type.

Just had the most awkward phone call ever. And didn't say everything I wanted to say, I panicked, I stuttered. I asked, straight out, if I'd done anything to upset her because I was a bit taken aback not to have been asked to be a bridesmaid. She said that it was a "hard, weird and difficult" decision but in the end she decided to ask C instead of me because lately she has been seeing a lot more of C (quick reminder: since Spring 2014 A lives in the same city as C and B, I live elsewhere, in the neighbouring city to D, but see A at least once a month). I said, trying to be breezy, that I just wondered because it seemed a bit weird at dinner. She said that she had no idea this would make me feel like that and that she hates to think I've been upset by it but that she decided to have C because she's seen loads more of C since the move. She then said that she didn't want to carry on forever and decided to limit herself to 5 bridesmaids. It was so awkward. I tried to ask her about her weekend and she was perfectly lovely but I just felt so awkward that I pretended the house phone was ringing and ended the call.

I can't work out if I feel relieved that I now know, or angry that she couldn't see why I might be upset.

OP posts:
TopCivilServant · 27/07/2015 19:56

Good luck Flowers

Diryan · 27/07/2015 19:57

You're brave to want to ring, I would chicken-out and send an email. Have a glass of wine first, but only one - don't get pissed!

Diryan · 27/07/2015 20:00

Hmmm... on one hand I can see her point at wanting to stop at 5 bridesmaids, but she's still wrong not to have discussed it with you first. Poor you, it's an awful situation.

Pastaeater · 27/07/2015 20:01

Why the hell didn't she have the guts to tell you that in the first place without putting you in the situation where you had to ask?
Her reasoning is fairly pathetic as well. Put this behind you now and don't waste time being upset about these insensitive and thoughtless people.

DustBunnyFarmer · 27/07/2015 20:03

Well done for making the call. Bridezilla sounds like she's totally lacking in self awareness and a total numpty to boot. She doesn't deserve your friendship. Hope your husband is providing hugs with that wine.

LuluJakey1 · 27/07/2015 20:06

Have said this on another thread but 'This is why I hate weddings'.

Look, if she does not want you as a bridesmaid, she does not want you. She does not need to explain herself.

You don't need to talk to her about it or tell her how you feel. It is none of her business. If she is upset with you it will make her feel better probably Just detach.

You do not need to make yourself feel bad. Book a nice weekend away for you and DH that weekend - treat yourselves. Don't give the wedding another thought. No present, just a very happy card wishing them well.

None of them sound like great friends tbh.

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