Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to send dd to an out of catchment school

201 replies

Tunrasmus · 16/07/2015 17:16

dd starts in year r in September in a school about 30 mins from us. this is because our local primary is awful, full of really rough kids. the area is pretty rough basically, but our house is a good size and we dont want to go smaller for more money. with respect of the school - i just don't want her there. all the mums stand outside smoking and when i went for the open day i saw that they give an award for attendance! expectations just seemed so low. i'm sending her to this really sweet little rural school instead. ive suddenly worried that the other mums might think i'm ridiculous? we had the 'introductory' day at school last week and some of the mums looked completely perplexed that we would travel half an hour to school! one even asked how we would do playdates or nights at the pub with other parents, with us being so far away Confused.

OP posts:
GaryBaldy · 16/07/2015 19:38

That is a good point that others are making about play dates and such...other parents aren't going to want an hour round trip to pick their DC up from yours, so your DC will miss out socially.

And if you are so judgy about the catchment area that you are in, then the parents in the sweet little rural catchment may be equally judge and not want their DCs going over to yours.

revealall · 16/07/2015 19:45

Not sure the Op is being judgemental about the catchment area...she lives there and doesn't want to move.
Is it judgemental to look at school with parents smoking outside and decide it's not where you want to send your child?

Sirzy · 16/07/2015 19:47

Yes of course that's judgemental, and pretty narrow minded.

Parents smoke outside DS school. Doesn't say the slightest thing about the school itself though!

absolutelynotfabulous · 16/07/2015 20:11

Op: I think you should care less about what the naice villagey mums think and concentrate on the practicalities of sending dd to the school. 30 mins each way may seem doable on paper but what about if there's an emergency and you break down/are ill/ get stuck in traffic/get held up at work? Who's going to help you out? Could you depend on the village mums then?

I'd make a "pros" and "cons" list comparing schools, having first made an appointment to look around the local school with an open mind (presuming you can get through the scrum of smoking harridans at the gate, of course..)

TalkinPeace · 16/07/2015 20:33

sirzy
what about the police?

Edna1969 · 16/07/2015 21:08

Well we got neither of our nearest schools so ended up out of catchment (both were on our preference list) and ended up with allocaton at our 3rd choice nearish village school.

Was a 15 minute commute now since moving 10 minutes. Girls have been happy and no issues with playdates / friends. Its a good school but only 50% of the children come from the village which helps.

Go for what feels right and be prepared to make an effort. I'm sure it will work out.

ReginaBlitz · 16/07/2015 21:35

You won't send her to a school with smoking mums...but you would happily send her to a school where the mums are all piss headsGrin

Pico2 · 16/07/2015 21:48

I think Regina's got a good point. If you appeared unable to spend an evening on soft drinks then I'd wonder if you had a bit of a problem.

My DD is starting at our village school this year. We thought about whether to go further afield, but thought the benefits of things like local friends outweighed the benefits of the alternative. On that basis, I wouldn't be rushing to do 2 hours driving for a play date.

TalkinPeace · 16/07/2015 21:52

A question ....
for all the pontificators ...

have you actually HAD to face a school where you would vomit rather than send your kids there?

I have

OP may have

we are not talking "average" - my local school has been in the "England bottom 100" for the last 18 years ....

SaucyJack · 16/07/2015 21:52

Was just coming to say that Regina.

The irony of you dismissing the mums at the nearer school as being rough, yet your main concern about the school you've applied to seems to be how you're going to get back from the pub (!)

Prince Philip couldn't make it up.

revealall · 16/07/2015 22:47

There's a big difference between what parents do after school socially and what they are prepared to do in front of other people's children at ( or in front of) school.
The other thing to remember Op is that small naice schools have a proportionally large number that go private in yr5 and 6. Half of the friendship group ( including two best friends )are going to these lovely schools. It's even harder when you don't get the state school you want for secondary. "Choice" is a relative concept if you don't have money.

SeenSheen · 16/07/2015 23:29

Sounds like the best thing you can do for now OP and don't worry about secondaries yet as the goalposts may well have moved again by this time.

Its a longish commute yes but not excessively so - it takes us 20 mins to walk the half mile to our school.

I agreet that the behaviour of the parents will have a huge influence on the attitude of their children and hence the school environment.

UniS · 16/07/2015 23:41

OK, enjoy your hour plus drive twice a day. Enjoy your prep school by petrol experiences. But .... You better make sure you get your kid back to school for evening performances of school plays. Don't expect to get a slot at parents evening at 3.40pm just because you have a long drive, and for goodness sake attempt to be pleasent and friendly to other parents at your dream school. Oh and don't whinge when any subsequent children you have don't get a place in a full year.
We have had parents do this stunt at our rural little primary, some years they get in because the year group is a bit small.
The ones who did it in DS's year group have both given up by year 3 and opted for private school.

Original poster
Tunrasmus · 16/07/2015 23:42

Thanks really for all replies. I'm sorry if I came off like a bit of a twat. I just don't want dd somewhere I think is really awful and I'm nervous about the change. I was being light hearted about the sleep over- I do just want dd to be happy which I know she wouldn't be at our local. I know that to my bones. Anyway, thanks again this gas been really helpful Flowers

OP posts:
Original poster
Tunrasmus · 16/07/2015 23:45

Uni- I take it you are not happy about the 'prep school by petrol' brigade?

OP posts:
UniS · 17/07/2015 00:08

Not the ones I've had dealings with. They put bugger all in and just wanted to take.

One family had no idea what their child's behaviour in the peer group was like and didn't like it when they did see it
-at my child's birthday party when their child was being their normal thug like self, walloping another child and dragging someone to the floor by their jumper ,mother was horrified, telling me that x doesn't behave like that at home. Which I guess is why she and hubby had buggered of to the pub leaving their 5 yr old at a large village hall party which most parents of unpredictable children had stayed for.

Others in same situation have seemed rather sad, sitting in their cars for ages, waiting as it rains. Kids don't get to do after school clubs, miss school plays ( so don't get trusted with roles .
Eventually the family decide to spend that petrol money on school fees it seems.

clary · 17/07/2015 00:22

Do you mean a 30 min drive or walk?

I live in a small city and considering primaries 30 mins drive away would give us a field of about 100 schools... if you are more rural maybe there are not so many options.

Personally I think 30 mins drive is a PITA, that's 2 hours out of your day every day. And then if you have to go back for sports day, concert, play, disco after school etc - you will spend a lot of time in the car.

Were there no other options?

BTW yy most schools give awards for attendance. My form got lollies from the head of house 2 weeks ago because we had 100% attendance. They were very excited (secondary btw).

Lurkedforever1 · 17/07/2015 00:41

Yanbu, I live on the edge of a council estate, dd plays out on it, I socialise there and to all extents and purposes live on it, dd goes to a school on a different council estate. I work with lots of people who's kids get fsm, dd did at one point too, as do some of my friends kids. So I'm hardly either socially elite myself or snobby about council estates. Yet dd and a lot of children go to out of catchment schools rather than our estates one, because despite it's all singing and dancing refurb, theres too many parents that look a bit too jezza for my liking. Think they might ship some of them in myself because the estate in general isn't prone to that many jezza types

reni1 · 17/07/2015 00:44

In our school the few kids who don't live close end up quite friendless in the later years of primary, not because the mums conspire, but any extra effort is hard to keep up. The others socialise several times a week, living very close. Not a problem if travelling is the norm, but you say you'll be the only one. No big deal in reception, but come year 3 the others will be close knit and she might not be part of that.

AgentProvocateur · 17/07/2015 01:01

No way on this earth would I drive an hour-long round trip for a play date. It just wouldn't happen - not when there are plenty of local friends. I think you may live to regret your decision, OP - you and your chld will be outsiders for as long as she is in school

Meechimoo · 17/07/2015 06:55

Yanbu op.
I sent our cards to an out of catchment school because the local high school is crap (would never say that to friends with kids there though)
People are very very fiercely defensive of their local schools regardless of how godawful they are.
I think it's a bit sheeplike and weird to send your child to the school round the corner just because it's convenient. Even if it's shite.

Gileswithachainsaw · 17/07/2015 07:12

yy meech

I'm scared stiff about secondary school. Our catchment has awful results and is one of the worst in the county.

I won't be listing it or using my child as an experiment.

People do what they have to do. Maybe instead of being angry or assuming people are snobby, direct the frustration at the fact schools so terrible people drive miles to avoid them are allowed to exist.

All children deserve to go to a good school. plenty of schools manage to achieve good things with what people would consider an intake below national expectations of entry so its not asking the impossible.

Spartans · 17/07/2015 07:13

talkinpeace I faced that. The school could be closed this year. I didn't send dd. I appealed the decision and won. However the school she is going to is actually closer than the one she got given. She didn't get a place at either school near us. I haven't disagreed with the op sending her df to her school of choice.

I have said that her reasoning is off. She is juding the school because ALL the mums smoke outside (which all probably do not) and they give out attendence awards. Lots of good schools give out attendence awards and some parents are inconsiderate of other people in most schools.

I looked at the school offered and spoke to the head teacher who also agreed it was not the school to send dd with her needs. I didn't judge it on a few parents and some shit award they give.

I think the OP ahould send her child were is best for the child. But I think she is sending her to a school that's best for her. Also it's a bit late to worry about it. Can you even do anything about it now?

Spartans · 17/07/2015 07:19

giles you are correct. All schools should be good. However the OP hasn't said anything about the actual school, really, apart from attendence awards and smoking parents and rough kids.

Gileswithachainsaw · 17/07/2015 07:25

We will have to trust her on that I guess.

I see and got buses etc with some of the kids from our local secondary. I never heard them talk or saw them act in any way that made me stop and think " dd isn't going to school with them" the kids I have seen all look well turned out and clean. granted it's a small sample but still.

and in refuse to believe that such a high percentage of these children have unsupportive family. so my only conclusion for this place is poor teaching.