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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to send dd to an out of catchment school

201 replies

Tunrasmus · 16/07/2015 17:16

dd starts in year r in September in a school about 30 mins from us. this is because our local primary is awful, full of really rough kids. the area is pretty rough basically, but our house is a good size and we dont want to go smaller for more money. with respect of the school - i just don't want her there. all the mums stand outside smoking and when i went for the open day i saw that they give an award for attendance! expectations just seemed so low. i'm sending her to this really sweet little rural school instead. ive suddenly worried that the other mums might think i'm ridiculous? we had the 'introductory' day at school last week and some of the mums looked completely perplexed that we would travel half an hour to school! one even asked how we would do playdates or nights at the pub with other parents, with us being so far away Confused.

OP posts:
Spartans · 16/07/2015 17:55

Mums at the new school sound nosey.

Do people really start thinking about trips to the pubs with other parents before they even know if they like them and want to do this?

Op, staying over with someone you only know from seeing 10mins on a morning and afternoon, is probably not going to happen.

People may or may not travel to yours for a play date. You could meet somewhere else though.

Seriously though, is your child never going to be allowed to play out with the local children. I suppose you could always move down the line though.

BertrandRussell · 16/07/2015 17:58

"Op I'd be more worried about the parents at new school. They sound judgemental."

I reckon the OP will fit in fine!

Spartans · 16/07/2015 18:00

Also OP, if the nosey mothers are right, so what?

The other parents may not travel for play dates, let you stay over or invite you to the pub.

That's not why you picked that school for your child. If it is true and the other parents won't make the effort, it's a bit late to change schools and you wouldn't send your child to the local school anyway.

Blu · 16/07/2015 18:02

perhaps all the other 'non-rough' families in your area also send their children to the school 30min drive away?

If not, they presumably send their children to your local school?

Anyway, stop worrying about what people think - your issues will be making sure that your dd does and can have some out of school play dates. If she goes to other children's houses, you can just pick her up later, but there may be some difficulty in persuading mothers to let kids come to your house, especially if they have to come and pick them up.

Are you really going to drive for 2 hours a day? Your petrol bill will be enormous!

thunderbird69 · 16/07/2015 18:03

Playdates - either your dd goes to friends straight from school and you pick them up later. Or you pick up dd and friend, take them to yours then they are either picked up or you drop them home later. No probs.
Why do you care if they think you're ridiculous?

OddBoots · 16/07/2015 18:05

YANBU sending your dd to the 30m away school.

I think the 'spade a spade' bit is the problem - if you have described your local school to these mums the way you have here you will have made yourself seem difficult. There is often something of an unwritten code a bit like going for a new job that you talk about the positives of the new not the negatives of the old. Tell them that you have heard good things about the village school and that you think your dd will suit a small school not about how 'rough' your local area is.

NinkyNonkers · 16/07/2015 18:08

I'm afraid 30 mins is a long way for play dates etc, it's quite a commitment! I Really hope you haven't spoken about the other school and mums/kids like this in real life.

ollieplimsoles · 16/07/2015 18:09

Oh OP!

You are right to do what you think is right for your DD she is your child and it is her education and life so YANBU to send her to a school you think is best for your family.

However- DH's mum was DESPERATE to send her two precious boys to the 'local village school' instead of the tough, nasty common school near the housing estate (MIL is verrrrry snobby, not saying you are op, she chose the school based entirely on the area, not performance).

The village school was full of religious nutcase teachers, a disabled boy was removed from the school after it was discovered teachers were bullying him (authorities were called) and, last but by no means least- the HEAD teacher was convicted of pedophilia and served two years in prison...all while DH was there.

Gatehouse77 · 16/07/2015 18:09

Mine went to an out of catchment primary as I didn't like our local school either. At that level it wasn't an issue because you tend to chaperone them at that age anyway. It didn't stop them doing after school stuff or going to friend's houses.
We did choose a local secondary because at that age I wanted them to have independence and be able to foster local friendships (which they did have from the pre-school years).

Yorkshiremummyof4 · 16/07/2015 18:11

My children are in a sweet village school, and trust me play dates etc work. You just need to come up with a system. My son will have to spend an hour each way on a bus to go to our preferred secondary school vs our closest schools. He passed his 11plus, but didn't want to go to the closest grammar. You know your child, and what's best. I've done my best to keep my children away from rougher children an so far have been successful apart from my sisters own children. Luckily they live some distance.

GaryBaldy · 16/07/2015 18:18

Having had DC at an out of catchment school (not through choice) I would say the benefits of local far outweigh any other.

That moment when you get home after dropping off and realise that they have left their PE kit / lunch bag etc at home and then you have to go back all over again.

If you have more than one DC and one does an after school club then you will be hanging round waiting for the other as it is not worth going home.

Getting to a local school in bad weather can be difficult, getting to a distant one in the driving snow can be awful.

If they are sick at school, then they are at least an hour away from their bed when you get the call.

wannabestressfree · 16/07/2015 18:22

Yorkshire how unpleasant you sound!

CharlesRyder · 16/07/2015 18:23

OP are you hand on heart sure that you have chosen the school for your DD and not for you? It really isn't about you meeting other mums you like or making friends you can go out for a drink with.

What is the data dashboard for your local school like? Do they do well with the disadvantaged children in their catchment. It may be that the story inside the school's doors is VERY different to what you see outside the gates.

Your village school's set of parents sound pretty insular. I fear their children will all have been to mother and baby groups together and the families might already be quite fixed in friendships- which might make it hard for your DD to break in.

Sirzy · 16/07/2015 18:25

A very good school which is so under subscribed it has spaces for children 30 mins away when there are plenty of other more local schools? Hmm

insanityscatching · 16/07/2015 18:32

I sent dd to an out of catchment school through choice although a 10 minute drive. It sounds much like the one you are swerving because it is in a highly deprived area and admittedly some of the parents in the playground are scary.
BUT the school is the best school for nurturing and encouraging children to be the best they can be most likely because some children don't get a lot of that at home. The school grew by 50% in 4 years as more parents heard of its reputation and traveled to get there .
Our local school is very middle class and poor in comparison as they ride on their reputation and have parents who provide tutors to keep their scores up.
I don't regret it for a minute and funnily enough now in secondary dd's top groups are dominated by the children from her Primary rather than our local school's pupils.

Heels99 · 16/07/2015 18:36

Unfortunately I think you may find that the parents in the village school think you live in a rough area so that may impact on play dates etc if they don't want to being their kids to your area or don't want a one hour round trip for a play date. Also their kids will do brownies and extra curricular and all that locally so will naturally be socialising together and seeing eachother in the village all the time. If you don't mind a schlep back and forth all the time it may work out ok but you are going to have to be very proactive as you won't naturally be involved in village life. Going home then going back to the village for brownies or whatever on a school day would be a two hour round trip. I would move to smaller house.

AliceDoesntLiveHereAnymore · 16/07/2015 18:40

Dear God, I hope you haven't named one of your children after a place, or they'll blackball you. You won't have to worry then about playdates...ever! Grin

That being said, I have to agree with this:

I can't help wonder why a school that is apparantly so good has places available so that someone 30mins away, got in. That's quite unusual.

Methinks you might be in for a shock once you get all settled. They might make the "rough" school look positively genteel. Grin I'm actually looking forward to the thread... I'm betting on the phrase "children of the corn" popping up.

Homemadeapplepie · 16/07/2015 18:41

DS went to a primary out of catchment and both DC went to secondary out of catchment, similar distance to yours OP, impractical by public transport-we thought it was worth it and picked those schools in the full knowledge that we would be doing a lot of driving, not just to school but parties, cubs, music centre etc. Yes it's sometimes a pain driving a lot but if the school's the right one for you then you just have to suck it up.

Twinkie1 · 16/07/2015 18:41

Do you not think you'll be tagged as the mum from the rough part of town?

no73 · 16/07/2015 18:49

In answer to some of your questions the choice is yours. However, no I wouldn't travel 30 mins for a playdate as it isn't 30 mins is it...its 30 mins there and 30 mins back so I would expect you will be doing a lot of travelling if you want your child to have friends.

The school my son attends has kids playing roughly....er like most kids running about etc and has mum smoking outside the school gate at pick up times. I am a big anti smoker but each to their own. This 'rough' school as you would put it has good ousted reports, the kids have an amazing time, enjoy their time their and the teaching is brilliant. Its actually a hard school to get into. I think your perception of rough is horrible.

I have become friendly with the school mums who will all help each other out at a drop of a hat. They arrange nights in the pub, playmates in parks, offers of babysitting, picking kids up when you can't get there. But you'd see it as rough due to the smoking outside and a bit of rough play from kids which by the way their has been some research to show that kids need a bit of rough and tumble play when little.

TurnOverTheTv · 16/07/2015 18:54

The school run gets very boring very very quickly. I've got one year left of a longish commute to school and I am counting down the days, I'm bloody sick of it. You're going to be spending two hours a day in the car, you will be supremely fucked off by the end of term Grin

revealall · 16/07/2015 18:54

Mmm. Wouldn't be happy having to get my child past a load of smoking parents either TBH. Doesn't matter how many naice children were inside. My friend had a similar dilemma and went with the local school only to find that the friendship groups became an issue. Swearing as well as general bad English were the norm ( ie her son calling his bottom his arse etc). She moved hers in year 2 and is much happier with parents that share her values. Not snobby but realistic.

However 30 mins drive is a lot especially when they start at school. That's a long day with all the problems of early pick ups, emergency runs for forgotten things which include mufti days, kit, homework whatever. Small schools are also a bit crap at letting you know stuff. Don't underestimate how bad parking is near a small school is either. It can be really stressful. Being able to walk, bike or just having friends who can help out is a godsend.

TurnOverTheTv · 16/07/2015 18:55

And play dates don't happen unless it's a sleepover.

TalkinPeace · 16/07/2015 19:01

OP,
I told the head of my local school - to his face - that hell would have to freeze over before I sent my kids there.
It has over 400 empty places.

Do what is right for you and your child.

TheRealMaryMillington · 16/07/2015 19:11

My kids go past about 6 different schools on their school run though it is not as far as yours. That's because they are all church schools and either didn't want us heathens, and also because the school we have chosen is very lovely, creative and progressive, and it even has its own little patch of woodland. They give an award for attendance there too so I wouldn't use that as a marker.

There is nothing wrong with choosing an out of catchment school if you think it will better suit your child and if they have places available. There are disadvantages but they are surmountable. I would still encourage your daughter to find friends who live locally through clubs, brownies etc if you can as a friend down the road is often worth two in the next village.