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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To think that organising a surprise party is actually quite self-centred?

106 replies

FurtherSupport · 15/07/2015 08:41

It means that the party "recipient" gets no say at all in how their own party is organised, misses all the build up and doesn't get to look forward to it, or even plan their outfit!

While the organiser gets to have everything their own way and to be centre of attention through the whole thing.

OP posts:

Nolim · 15/07/2015 08:44

I dont like surprises either but You make it sound as if organizing was the whole point if having a party!

AlwaysDancing1234 · 15/07/2015 08:46

I'd not bekeen on a surprise party for the reasons you've given but I also think the person organising the party would be doing it in a nice kind way and not just because they are controlling.

coffeetasteslikeshit · 15/07/2015 08:49

Wow! That's a really negative way of looking at things.

RufusTheReindeer · 15/07/2015 08:52

Was going to organise a very small (16 and 10 of those immediate family) surprise party for my dads 70th

Not sure I should bother now

Actually...don't worry I really don't give a fuck (plus it should stop him whining about how nobody did anything for his 40th....let it go man!!! It's been 30 years!!!!)

I do agree with what you have said though OP

Koalafications · 15/07/2015 08:53

I don't see it that way at all.

Not everyone likes surprise parties

Not everyone likes to organise parties

Not everyone cares what they wear

Sometimes people are just trying to do something nice, I realise this is an alien concept on MN though.

LindyHemming · 15/07/2015 08:57

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Loafliner · 15/07/2015 08:58

Sometimes it might be like that, depends on the people. Ive just thrown one for dh - a small one....he needed the pick up and it was really lovely, we had a great night!

Original poster

FurtherSupport · 15/07/2015 08:59

Of course people think they're doing something nice, it's the surprise element that makes it's all about the organiser.

If you tell me you'd like to organise a party for me, I'd be touched, but I'd like some input on the guest list, entertainment etc and as with most exciting things, the looking forward to it is all part of the fun. If it's a surprise, you get that bit, but I don't.

OP posts:

LilyMayViolet · 15/07/2015 09:00

I get that it can be a bit tricky for the recipient and it's not everyone's cup of tea but to say that it's selfish is going too far. People plan them because they think a lot of someone.

GrouchyKiwi · 15/07/2015 09:02

Depends on the person.

I organised one for DH's birthday a few years back. Got one of his uni friends to invite people she thought he got on with best from there and I did the other friends. He absolutely loved it.

I hate surprise parties.

TheBookofRuth · 15/07/2015 09:05

I organised surprise parties for both my DM and my DH on their 40ths (twenty-odd years apart!)

In both cases I did it because I knew they would love having their family and friends around to celebrate with them but would be too modest and self-effacing to organise it themselves. Both of them knew they were going "somewhere" for their birthdays (in DM's case the theatre , in DH's a family lunch), so were dressed nicely, and in both cases I was much too busy running around serving drinks and food and making sure everything was taken care of so they could just relax and enjoy themselves to be "centre of attention".

So YABU.

Loafliner · 15/07/2015 09:06

But i got input from dh because i know him so well, and he's totally chilled about stuff....had his music, his favourite food, his favourite cake, he was dressed to go out, his mum made an unexpected appearance, his sisters decorated, i just paid the bill....I don't normally do surprises for him but i kniw he really liked it because it was exactly what he needed. It was weird lying to him though - it felt a bit wrong!

Donnakim · 15/07/2015 09:08

I threw a surprise party for DH's 30th, and he loved it! It still makes me quite sad that I later found out that was the first time in his life he'd had a birthday party...

If you know the person really well, it shouldn't end up being about anyone but them. I think I see what you mean, you could end up having your own perfect party by mistake. No one paid me the slightest interest during the day! Which was fine!

If done properly they're great fun.

Trapper · 15/07/2015 09:08

I agree despite the appearance of selflessly doing something for someone else, it is massively self- serving, egotistical and controlling.

ltk · 15/07/2015 09:10

I wouldn't want to organise one for you! I have been to a couple and it has always been focussed on the person the party is for, not the one who organised it. Both recipients were touched that their friends and family went to such lengths for them and had a great time. I think it is a lovely gift.

hellsbellsmelons · 15/07/2015 09:13

I don't usually like surprises but I had a surprise 40th planned by my (EX)DH in another country so it was really touching that people had paid for flights and hotels etc. just to surprise me on my 40th.
It was brilliant fun and it was all about ME ME ME.
I had a great time and I have never in my whole entire life been so hungover that it takes 3 days to recover. But it was worth it.
Well.... sort of. Ex met his OW out there whilst planning the party. Oh well.

fattymcfatfat · 15/07/2015 09:15

I had a "surprise" baby shower organised for me. (I knew what they were up to, and they knew I would never have agreed to one) I ended up being dragged out of my home, on crutches due to severe spd, to have everyone sit and laugh at how big my belly is, and tell me I wouldn't be able to give birth (fuck off will ya, don't really have much choice in the matter now!) and slag of the father of my DCs.
The only reason they didn't get beat repeatedly with my crutches is because I don't want a criminal record.
They also looked offended when I thanked one of them for their offer of a high chair but reminded them my DD is only 18 months old, so I still have hers.
Then everyone sat talking about how nice it was of them to have organised it and how me needing to get home to pick up my 6 yo from school and get some pain killers was me being ungrateful!

AlisonBlunderland · 15/07/2015 09:20

I've told my DH that I'll kill him if he ever arranges a surprise party for me.
Unless he tells me about it beforehand

hellsbellsmelons · 15/07/2015 09:23

OMG fatty that sounds awful.
Baby shower - WTF is that all about anyway?

RachelRagged · 15/07/2015 10:53

OP YABU

AuntyMag10 · 15/07/2015 10:59

Yabu and that's such a daft way to think of it. Selfish really?

CRbear · 15/07/2015 11:03

Depends on the person.

I would be thrilled someone did it but I'm hard to hide things from and love organising parties.

I did one for my boyfriends 30th and he was thrilled because he really wanted to do something but the organisation put him off so it was absolutely ideal

4kidsandaunicorn · 15/07/2015 11:05

We organised a surprise party for and Aunt. She loved it! On the guest list were all the people that she would have chosen herself. I guess you only do it if you know that the person would enjoy it and really know them well enough know what they would like.

My Aunt had some anticipation because she was told to get dressed up for a nice meal out (while she was lunching in a swanky hotel we were getting the party ready, what a bunch of self centered arses we were !)

If we'd done the same for my Mum she would have found the whole thing utterly mortifying.

WinterOfOurDiscountTents15 · 15/07/2015 11:06

So if someone goes to all of the effort and expense of laying on a party just for you, your response is, but I wanted to control it all, waah waah! And you call other people Selfish? Wow.

Original poster

FurtherSupport · 15/07/2015 11:11

No, all the effort etc is lovely, it's keeping it secret and not allowing the beneficiary to have any input that's selfish.

OP posts:

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