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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To think that organising a surprise party is actually quite self-centred?

106 replies

FurtherSupport · 15/07/2015 08:41

It means that the party "recipient" gets no say at all in how their own party is organised, misses all the build up and doesn't get to look forward to it, or even plan their outfit!

While the organiser gets to have everything their own way and to be centre of attention through the whole thing.

OP posts:

pigsDOfly · 15/07/2015 12:59

Not sure I'd want one, but I don't think I'd feel someone who organised one for me was doing it through selfish motives.

I be a bit pissed off if I decided to slop around the house with unwashed hair and in some old rag thinking I wasn't doing anything because everyone had ignored my birthday and I had to go to it looking like a tramp.

A friend of my exh threw a surprise party for ex's 60 that I knew nothing about until about half an hour before we had to be there. They phoned and asked if we could pop over just to have a drink for his birthday.

I thought it was a bit odd and very high handed not to let me know in advance. Perhaps they were hoping I wouldn't go as my dislike of them was equal to their dislike of me. Not sure what would have happened if I'd arranged a family party though.

LuisSuarezTeeth · 15/07/2015 13:01

It depends on who organises it. My SM wanted to do a surprise party for my Dads 60th. She spoke to me and my brothers about what he might want, and planned to invite many old friends he hadn't seen for years. We said informal, drinks and buffet so he could move around and enjoy catching up with everyone.

Oh no. It was a 3 course sit down meal, DJ and speeches by her in a swanky hotel. It was all about her and how much she spent on it. He got about an hour to mingle.

Stupid cow.

LuisSuarezTeeth · 15/07/2015 13:02

Oh, formal invitations and official gift giving as well. It was like a fucking wedding!

YellowBucket · 15/07/2015 13:06

I was thrown one a few years ago. We laughingly refer to it as my "Surprise! You look like shit" party. Brilliant night, but the pictures look like I gatecrashed it.
I thought I was going for coffe and cake at a friends house and dressed accordingly. Everyone else dressed for a party.

Dynomite · 15/07/2015 13:06

My DP organized a surprise party for me and I looooooooved it. I hate organising, I have no time to decide on a things related to the party and it was suuuch a lovely gesture! I loved seeing all my friends and having a big party without having to make any effort. It was the best gift ever! And I wasn't made to feel sad or ignored in the run up, we had plans to go out for dinner.

OP, you sound very controlling and negative.
And to the posters who have shared their negative experiences - that happened because they were indeed arranged by thoughtless, selfish people. It doesn't mean that surprise parties are that way by definition.

MitzyLeFrouf · 15/07/2015 13:07

Not giving the surprisee a chance to get dolled up beforehand is Very Poor Form.

MitzyLeFrouf · 15/07/2015 13:09

I hate organising stuff too. I don't recognise at all these claims that the organisation and looking forward are the best things about a party.

Same reason I couldn't be arsed with a big wedding, one big organisational headache.

JohnFarleysRuskin · 15/07/2015 13:13

I hate organisation, surprises and parties!

Nevertheless I am in fine and happy mental health

DeeWe · 15/07/2015 13:19

Depends on the person organising I would suspect.
Been to a couple and if you hadn't had to email him to rsvp then you'd never have known he had done it.

I can think of someone who if he did one (even combined with others) the entire room would be aware for as long as he could loudly remind people. But he makes everything about him, even when it clearly shouldn't be, so that's entirely personality not specifically surprise parties.

HSMMaCM · 15/07/2015 13:29

My friend did one for my 40th, in a place I wouldn't normally choose to go, with a strange guest list. I still had fun but it was a bit weird.

I'm organising one for DD's 16th. Her friends have helped me with the guest list and one of them has invited her round for a dinner out, because she's not here on her actual birthday.

I won't be the centre of attention, because I will be moving out of sight at the earliest opportunity.

Hopefully she'll enjoy it.

0x530x610x750x630x79 · 15/07/2015 13:33

HSMMaCM why do you think she will enjoy a suprise more than a party she had some control over?

HSMMaCM · 15/07/2015 13:38

Because she is also organising her own party and thinks we won't allow her to do what we have planned. She does love surprises and has loved all the surprise parties her friends have had this year.

morethanpotatoprints · 15/07/2015 13:41

I hate organising parties/ used to do it for a living, so don't do it now.
I do love surprise parties for me though, my family did one last year for my birthday.
Think the dc and dh are organising something for next year as it's my 50th.

CookieQueen55 · 15/07/2015 14:17

Never been a fan of suprise parties, and I fear that when I turn 50 one might be on the way, despite saying I really don't want one.

0x530x610x750x630x79 · 15/07/2015 15:42

Never been a fan of suprise parties, and I fear that when I turn 50 one might be on the way, despite saying I really don't want one.

there is a simple solution, nominate the most likely person to organise one for you, "i would love a party but don't have time/money/ whatever could you do it as my present?"

no room for a suprise then

BitOutOfPractice · 15/07/2015 15:48

I never suggested that the OP wasn't in "fine and balanced mental health." I asked if she was OK as in "has something happened to you to make you feel like this and are you OK or are you upset about something?" Sheesh!

Hornydilemma · 15/07/2015 16:12

"D"sis organised one for a big birthday for me, I did enjoy it - but she definitely is of the camp that she did it for the kudos for herself!

My parents (who paid) genuinely did their part with a view to doing a nice thing for me.

One thing I did regret was that
a) quite a few people didn't get invites (as you may guess I'm not that close to sis, so she doesn't know a lot of my friends) and
b) as it was 2 weeks after my actual birthday, I had made sure I had at least 3 nights out with different groups of friends beforehand to celebrate - so they got dragged out twice! (couldn't put me off for the first night out even though they knew there was a party scheduled)

QuiteQuietly · 15/07/2015 16:25

A couple of friends threw one for me once. I was shattered, unshowered and not dressed for a party at all. All I wanted to do was get everyone out of my house and go to bed. The following morning there was a lot of clearing up to do (by me), and it was very awkward in the following weeks with people who had not been invited by the organisers. It was a kind gesture, but probably was a little bit more "we're great supportive friends" than actual supportiveness.

I suppose some people like surprise parties and some don't - and if you are not 110% sure which camp someone is in, then best not to throw them one.

JohnFarleysRuskin · 15/07/2015 17:55

I didn't say you did. I was just clearing it up in case anyone was worried.

NewFlipFlops · 15/07/2015 17:58

I am always away on big birthdays so no one can do this to me - can't think of anything worse. Some people are always up for a party and others have to psych themselves up for one. I am in the latter camp and don't want to be thrust into enforced party mode without my normal preparations, and especially not if I'm going to be the centre of it! I suspect a lot of introverts are like this. I am very sociable, but on my terms.

RufusTheReindeer · 15/07/2015 19:30

It all depends on

The reason for the party

The size of the party

The type of person doing the organising

And the type of person the party is for

Taytocrisps · 15/07/2015 19:51

I'm not into them myself and have made it clear (when big birthdays were approaching) that I'd prefer something different. However, the party organizer generally goes to a lot of effort to arrange it all and to keep it a surprise from the birthday boy or girl. So I definitely wouldn't call the party organizer self-centred.

LaLyra · 15/07/2015 20:15

I think it depends on who is organising it and why.

organising one for someone who hates parties and hates being the centre of attention because you want to look good - selfish.

We organised one for SIL last year. She loves parties, would love a birthday party, but gets massively stressed worrying about everyone else (are they being inconvenienced?, is there enough food? etc etc) to the point that she wouldn't organise one herself, she was almost ill over her wedding worrying that she wasn't looking after guests properly. We didn't pretend we'd forgotten her birthday, she was under the impression she was going to a nice meal (which she was) and a night out after. She loved it.

namechangerobvs · 15/07/2015 21:07

The plus side of a surprise party is you don't have to do any preparation, catering, cleaning etc & if it bombs then it's not your fault.
On the other hand, if you know about the party (my dh & I prepared for my 40th birthday party-it took nearly all day!)that is fine. Unfortunately dh invited an old school 'friend'of mine as a nice surprise. What he didn't realise was that said'friend' had got together with 2 other girls when I was 15 & whilst two held my hands behind my back, the other one slapped me in the face. When she turned up, I didn't recognise her,she'd clearly forgotten the incident-it was hugely embarrassing.

SolidGoldBrass · 16/07/2015 01:06

They are great if you are, you know, capable of engaging your brain before doing one and know that the person you are doing it for will enjoy it. My brother and I arranged one for our parents' 40th wedding anniversary and they loved it.
Firstly, my mum had said more than once in the previous couple of years how nice it was that her friend's family organised surprise parties for each other.
Secondly, we made sure that she and my dad knew they were going out somewhere nice, so they were dressed up and ready to enjoy themselves - we just told them it was a 'surprise' treat they would enjoy.
Thirdly, I quietly pinched my mum's address book for an afternoon when I was visiting them, copied out several names and phone numbers and discussed with their friends who else they might like to see on the night.
The two worst mistakes to make over surprise parties are arranging them in such a way that the recipient spends the days before the party feeling that no one cares about their special day because no one will agree to come and celebrate with them, and springing the party on them when they are in old clothes and unwashed and fed up.

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