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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask her to take a small step back from my children?

192 replies

OstentatiousBreastfeeder · 14/07/2015 00:06

I'll try to keep it short!

FIL met his girlfriend two years ago. She's very nice in general, and the children really like her. She's young, the same age as DH actually (late twenties), and FIL doesn't want any more children - which she has accepted and is now very sure that she will never have children. I'm not sure, but I think this may be relevant.

Pretty early on though I started to feel a bit uncomfortable with certain things she'd do/say. Overstepping boundaries. Not long after meeting DS she designated a special nickname for herself that he could call her. There have been lots of little overfamiliar things which have made me cringe a bit, though nothing as weird as recently.

She and FIL asked if they could take DS to Legoland for a birthday treat. It was really lovely of them, DS was really excited as he'd been dying to go. The day came and they arrived to pick him up.

FIL was busy in the kitchen with DH so I went through a list of stuff I needed to pack DS for the day and realised I'd run out of plasters (DS trips over a lot), so I asked her if she had a first aid kit in the car just in case the inevitable happened and he skinned his knee. The look she gave me was scathing. She then said, "do you think I don't know how to look after four year olds?" She is a primary school teacher, so I don't know, maybe me asking whether she carried plasters with her was a slight on her professional ability somehow. I felt she was defensive Confused I just said, "Oh good then" and she changed the subject.

So as they're about to leave I ask FIL to make sure DS gets one of those wristbands put on in case he wanders off somewhere. FIL just nodded, but she did a massive eyeroll at me and said "yes yes we know" - again I got the feeling she was being defensive. Then they left.

They all came back and had had a lovely time, and had taken lots of photos. She was flicking through them on the phone, showing them to me when she stopped on of them all with FIL's arms round them both and said "he really could be ours by looking at him couldn't he?" - Apparently lots of people in queues were mentioning how handsome their son was, and she laughed as she told me she didn't bother correcting them, and just said thank you very much. DS is mixed race, FIL is black and she is white - so an easy assumption to make.

The most recent incident was at DS' birthday party. She started to cry, but shrugged it off quickly saying they were happy tears and told people not to make a fuss. She drove me and the children home and I asked what it was all about and she said "oh, it's just DS looked at me and I just thought 'god I love him so much' and it just set me off, that's all"

Please tell me that this notion I have of her using my children to replace the children she has decided she won't have is nonsense, or, if not nonsense then completely harmless?

OP posts:
Charley50 · 14/07/2015 13:23

But yes she needs to find a man willing to have babies with her.

Hissy · 14/07/2015 14:17

Trust your instincts and minimise contact/exposure to this woman.

she needs to back off. its not what she does purely, but the tone she takes with you. she has ishoos

AliceAlice1979 · 14/07/2015 14:53

It would be sad if your DC get too close to her and her relationship breaks down with FIL, or she has her own kids and dumps yours. Either of which I can see happening. For both reasons Id back off from her for your kids sake.

MsPavlichenko · 14/07/2015 15:06

I do think that it is odd not say you are the Grandparents, most revel in the title and relationship. My own late DM/DMIL were very young grannies, I'm sure they must have been mistaken for DS'S mum sometimes, but they'd have laughed and explained.

I also wonder at what is going on in the relationship between DFIL and her. Has he suggested moving closer/further involvement with your DC as a sop to her, in return for not having DC of their own, which he has no right to do.

I'm very relaxed about extended family/friend relationships, but something is slightly off here I think. Both you and your DH are concerned. I do think its worth having a discussion, at the very least about future expectations.

TellmeifIABU · 14/07/2015 15:15

I do think that it is odd not say you are the Grandparents, most revel in the title and relationship

I'm not sure many women in their twenties would 'revel' in the title of 'granny'!

Aeroflotgirl · 14/07/2015 15:33

Yes she does want children, it's very obvious, she is channeling that through ds. I woukd take steps back as she is becoming too overfamiliar.

MsPavlichenko · 14/07/2015 15:48

I was meaning more the special relationship that exists between GPs/GC. She has chosen to take that on board, even calling her mum a Great Granny. That is what makes it so odd that she seems to be seeing herself in a more maternal role.

iwanttobeanonymous · 14/07/2015 17:01

To answer the original question, the OP would be unreasonable to ask her to take a small step back.
she should tell her to do so.

Charley50 · 14/07/2015 17:14

The OP said her DCs like her. Don't you think the OP would be giving into her own insecurities if she told her to 'step away from the children.' It's nice they have more people who care about them than just their direct family. And in reply to a PP, If in future she leaves FIL and doesn't see the kids any more then so be it, it's not going to damage them, as she isn't their mum!

textfan · 14/07/2015 17:21

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

GoblinLittleOwl · 14/07/2015 17:40

Poor woman.
Your child has two loving parents and a stable home, and yet you are jealous of the affection she is showing him during the relatively brief time she spends with him.
She is not undermining you; she is simply encouraging a good relationship between him, her and his grandfather; you are the one who is creating difficulties.
And as for being a primary school teacher; yes, she probably does understand far more about parenting, and the results of poor parenting, than you do.

TwinPiques · 14/07/2015 17:43

Sometimes Mumsnet makes me really paranoid about expressing any interest in any children other than my own. Confused

ahbollocks · 14/07/2015 17:57

She sounds sad.
Yes though I would step in a bit, next time she comes out with something a bit borderline I would say ' do you know, that makes me feel a little bit u comfortable' but in a nice tone.
I think maybe once she has grieved a little bit for the family she won't have then she will start to right herself a little.

And like a previous poster I would keep a bit of distance incase it doesn't last between her and FIL.

PHANTOMnamechanger · 14/07/2015 18:01

I would be cooling things off now before they get out of control, as I would just not be comfortable with the things OP relates. You can bet when they are living closer, she will want more access/more regular visits. It will be sleepovers and weekends at theirs and she will come to see these things as her right just like all the pushy MIL threads on here, where MILs are trying to have their time as mummy over again, or trying to be mummy to a little girl only ever having had DSs themselves. There was a MIL who booked the panto knowing the DIL wanted to take the DC herself! There was another who bought the DGCs first bike for xmas, knowing the parents were planning to get one! It was dressed up as an exciting treat for the kids, but it was really about one-upmanship.

Yes it is great to have a loving GP, auntie/other adult in a childs life....but there are boundaries you do not cross. You do not tell other people how to parent! You do abide by their wishes without eyerolling. You dont cry at how much you love them, that is plain creepy!

Whatever you do, don't ever let her know what your DS wants for xmas or SHE will be the one buying his 'main'/favourite gift, in order to be the hero/win his favour. It will be passed off as enthusiastic niceness, but actually it's very controlling.

I would also be having a careful chat with my DS about not keeping secrets, so that you know he will tell you stuff she says, even if she uses the 'our special secret/lets not tell mummy' line. I would expressly make sure he knows that this even applies to stuff that grandad and X say to him.

Before I get roasted, yes I do feel sorry for her too, if she is having second thoughts about remaining childless. BUT you just do NOT use a child as a toy/accessory to live out a fantasy, or use them as a pawn in a game of favourites. This is NOT the same as your child being close to your friend, or being mistaken for their child. A friend is someone you CHOOSE to have in your and your kids lives, not someone who is virtually 'forced' on you and acts entitled and overstepping the mark.

PHANTOMnamechanger · 14/07/2015 18:06

And as for being a primary school teacher; yes, she probably does understand far more about parenting, and the results of poor parenting, than you do

i have to disagree with that. I was a teacher before DCs. Being a parent is totally totally different, and I'm sorry but I and many colleagues THOUGHT we knew it all and were in for a shock when we actually HAD kids.
It's like when parents of toddlers dole out advice and think they know how to parent a teenager!

Yarp · 14/07/2015 18:10

I agree PHANTOM

Being a teacher/TA is totally different. I'm a TA.

Yarp · 14/07/2015 18:11

I think that boundaries are crossed when the relationship with the child is there primarily to serve the needs of the adult, not the child.

This is not as simple as a benign adult just being nice. She is being overbearing.

Floisme · 14/07/2015 18:13

Totally agree with Tinkfromlovejoy and Lottapianos on the previous page. This woman sounds like she's trying to navigate some very tricky relationships without a rule book. Of course she's making some mistakes! Amusing that some of you are so sure about what she wants from life - I doubt she knows for certain herself.

I think there's about .000000001 to the power of fuck likelihood that she's not fully aware of and sensitive to who the real mother is. Pointing it out to her could actually undermine you as you could well come across as needy and insecure, not to mention a bit of a knob - which I'm sure you're not.

babyboomersrock · 14/07/2015 18:43

And as for being a primary school teacher; yes, she probably does understand far more about parenting, and the results of poor parenting, than you do

I know quite a few teachers who believed this. Until their own children arrived. Most of them had the grace - later - to laugh at themselves.

RaaRaaNoiseyLittleLion · 14/07/2015 18:59

I think in your situation I would back off a little. Not because I think there's anything weird in her behaviour but because I would be concerned about DS becoming too close to someone who clearly wants something different from her partner. It sounds like at the moment she is happy with not having children but long term I think this will be a deal breaker for the relationship and they will split. Your DS will be upset if they have got really really close.

Poor woman. She does actually sound lovely. I wonder if she is posting on another thread about how she really wants kids and her partner doesn't.

textfan · 14/07/2015 19:43

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Oakmaiden · 14/07/2015 19:53

she said "oh, it's just DS looked at me and I just thought 'god I love him so much' and it just set me off, that's all"

More likely she looked at him and thought "god, I will never have that for myself". I can understand tears there.

It sounds to me that you are a bit pfb, she is very capable - but also that she DOES want children, and is enjoying playing at "mummy" when she is with your son.

Is this a bad thing? I'm not sure. As long as she isn't pretending to your child, then I would guess not. When I take my sister's children out along with mine, I don't explain to every passer by that THESE are mine but THOSE aren't.

Original poster
OstentatiousBreastfeeder · 14/07/2015 20:04

you are the one who is creating difficulties.

I'm sorry I don't know what you mean by that. I haven't said anything to her and I've hidden any irritation or confusion caused by her comments/actions very well, I think. What difficulties have I caused? Confused

OP posts:
Buttercupsandaisies · 14/07/2015 20:16

My initial reaction is that you are being over sensitive and a bit precious.

Personally I wouldn't ask my dad (who's had and raised his own kids) to check he's carrying plasters and wrist bands etc... It's all a little ott and patronizing. You can get plasters anywhere if needs be and I'm sure he wouldn't lose him!

I don't see a huge issue with first post but wouldn't encourage contact purely as I don't think she'll be around long.

As a side note, when I met dh, I was similar with his 5yo nephew ... Usually it's a natural response, dh loved him so I was keen to love him too. Nothing malicious but it often doesn't last (in terms of intensity) but it's only natural that she wants to become a big part of his life given your fil probably talks about him a lot so it's a shared common ground.

Think you're being a bit ott tbh, I understand your concerns, but it's an unattractive trait.

ApplePaltrow · 14/07/2015 20:55

OP, ignore ignore ignore all the people trying to guilt you in putting up with this shit. I think you're underreacting tbh.

Firstly, she's not a child. She's a grown fucking woman who is choosing her relationship. She doesn't get to have your child just because your FIL doesnt want one. And she's choosing to lash out at you and react with rudeness and negativity. Not your DH, not your FIL, you. This is so typical. Women are conditioned to be nice and kind and generous and empathetic and she is taking advantage. She's not directing any rudeness to anyone who might give her it back. She sees you as weak. Stop being weak and letting her walk all over you.

You don't owe her ANYTHING.

The poster who mentioned the Disney Dad dynamic is 100% correct. If she is overriding you right now, she will be insufferable when your kid is old enough to be bribed with sweets and days out. She will want that kid's love any way she can. And frankly she'll be a nightmare. Kids don't need extra people to "love them" if that "love" brings instability and misery to their primary caregivers.

Mumsnet is being weird and hypocritical as usual. If this were a MIL, the NC Police would have been out here insisting you burn her house down. But because she has an Mumsnet Certified Acceptable Excuse i.e. infertility, you are supposed to button your lip as she rolls her eyes at you, questions your parenting and asserts ownership over your child. And react to her rudeness with the kindness of a saint.

Even if you are happy for her to act as 3rd parent to your child (!), get a lid on the rudeness thing right now.