To ask her to take a small step back from my children?

[OstentatiousBreastfeeder]

I'll try to keep it short!

FIL met his girlfriend two years ago. She's very nice in general, and the children really like her. She's young, the same age as DH actually (late twenties), and FIL doesn't want any more children - which she has accepted and is now very sure that she will never have children. I'm not sure, but I think this may be relevant.

Pretty early on though I started to feel a bit uncomfortable with certain things she'd do/say. Overstepping boundaries. Not long after meeting DS she designated a special nickname for herself that he could call her. There have been lots of little overfamiliar things which have made me cringe a bit, though nothing as weird as recently.

She and FIL asked if they could take DS to Legoland for a birthday treat. It was really lovely of them, DS was really excited as he'd been dying to go. The day came and they arrived to pick him up.

FIL was busy in the kitchen with DH so I went through a list of stuff I needed to pack DS for the day and realised I'd run out of plasters (DS trips over a lot), so I asked her if she had a first aid kit in the car just in case the inevitable happened and he skinned his knee. The look she gave me was scathing. She then said, "do you think I don't know how to look after four year olds?" She is a primary school teacher, so I don't know, maybe me asking whether she carried plasters with her was a slight on her professional ability somehow. I felt she was defensive I just said, "Oh good then" and she changed the subject.

So as they're about to leave I ask FIL to make sure DS gets one of those wristbands put on in case he wanders off somewhere. FIL just nodded, but she did a massive eyeroll at me and said "yes yes we know" - again I got the feeling she was being defensive. Then they left.

They all came back and had had a lovely time, and had taken lots of photos. She was flicking through them on the phone, showing them to me when she stopped on of them all with FIL's arms round them both and said "he really could be ours by looking at him couldn't he?" - Apparently lots of people in queues were mentioning how handsome their son was, and she laughed as she told me she didn't bother correcting them, and just said thank you very much. DS is mixed race, FIL is black and she is white - so an easy assumption to make.

The most recent incident was at DS' birthday party. She started to cry, but shrugged it off quickly saying they were happy tears and told people not to make a fuss. She drove me and the children home and I asked what it was all about and she said "oh, it's just DS looked at me and I just thought 'god I love him so much' and it just set me off, that's all"

Please tell me that this notion I have of her using my children to replace the children she has decided she won't have is nonsense, or, if not nonsense then completely harmless?

I too have sympathy for her - but she is demonstrating a lot of passive aggressive shit towards the OP. Which if continues on this drip, drip, drip basis must become incredibly...draining? Hurtful? Annyoying? Fucking irritating?. I suppose your reaction will depend on the day/time/event but imho be understandable.

It is then really up to you/your DH whether you want to pull her up on the PA type comments. Whether with a tinkly laugh and a "Well at least he is ours to worry about and you just get the granny-fun" Or "That is an interesting viewpoint. Thank you." (I am not very good at comebacks - others here maybe able to suggest some).

I don't think you should be cruel or rude. But I think you should start thinking of some responses to stop it. Your DS is 4 at the moment so a lot of this will be going over his head for now. But in a couple of years he will notice it. Best tackle it now.

Rolling her eyes when you remind them to get ds a wristband? Crying at a child's birthday party? She sounds a bit of a drama queen. I would want her to take a big step back.

I think the children issues is obviously a problem for her. What TheHouseOnBellSt said, dont say it, engineer it subtly over time. If you come out and say it you end up the massive 'baddie'. She will probably fixate on someone elses child if yours isnt so freely available. Its sad she made such a massive compromise over something obviously an issue for her tbh. But if its making you uneasy just step back a bit.

I imagine that your dh's reaction to her has as much to do with the fact that she is to all intents and purposes his stepmum as well as your dc's step grandmother and all the while she's only his age. I imagine that dynamic probably plays just as much of a part as the fact that she clearly loves your dc.

Reality is that many people find it very difficult to enter into a family in any kind of step role, be that parent, grandparent etc and more so when they don't have children of their own, and what to them is being all-embracing of the step role is threatening and overstepping boundaries to the biological parents.

If she had had no involvement at all I have no doubt that this would be questione as well, sometimes it's just difficult to find the middle ground. However if she and your fil stay together it's highly likely that the relationship will just develop over time iyswim.

My granddad on my dad's side was our step granddad, we all knew him as granddad and in fact had a better relationship with him than with my nan. He embraced all of the grandchildren as his own, went out of his way to look out for us, brought home toys/cakes etc for the grandchildren and was just altogether a nice person. And yet he had never had children of his own.

Children just don't see those kinds of dynamics in the same way as adults do, especially when it's e.g. grandparents. They just see that they have fun when out with granddad and

As a childless woman in my 30's I feel very sorry for the woman in question. There maybe other issues surrounding her childlessness (infertility, etc.) that you may not be privy to that she is struggling with. Or maybe, she is struggling to come to terms with her partner not wanting more kids and is trying to reconcile that with the fortunate circumstance that her dp has grandchildren that she can love and spend time with. I don't think any of her actions scream weirdo or over familiarity. To me, they smack of someone who is bravely trying to make the best of a situation that isn't ideal for her.
She certainly hasn't ever put your children at risk or gone against your wishes from what you have said. She perhaps would benefit from a bit of understanding and kindness, rather than being asked to back off?

As someone who would love to have children, birthday parties make me cry, pregnancy announcements make me cry, cute babies in shopping centres make me cry ffs! I am also guilty of staring at bumps and buggies and generally probably making mums feel uncomfortable. That she cried at your child's birthday should surely make you look upon her with kindness, not ask her to leave your children alone. I don't mean to cry at such events, and I can assure you that most likely neither does she.

When I look after my nephew or my friends children I devote to them all of my time and attention and have had many well meant instructions from their mums that are patronising because "I don't have children so might not have thought of this". You might not realise how difficult she finds her situation.

Childlessness, when it's not your choice, is ever so hard. Please don't ask her to back off. She knows your children are yours and you say she is nice, so let her work through it with as much graciousness as you can.

My nephews have often been taken for my sons when we are all out together (they look like their cousins, so not surprising). I've never corrected the impression because it's just a random comment from a passing stranger, so who cares. We all know who their mum is.

I think introducing a child as yours when they are not would be weird, or letting friends or colleagues think they were. But I don't feel the need to correct strangers who are just thinking of something to say.

I can't see anything to worry about in what you are describing, other than the fact that this woman does clearly want a child (not your child) and should probably face up to that.

I wonder whether the eye rolling over wrist bands etc stem from her being a teacher. As a teacher she will be used to parents of pfb's showing up for a school trip with a list of instructions over how pfb should be treated on said school trip, with the parents questioning whether they have plasters "just in case little tarquen falls over and cuts himself," and reminding the teacher to "ensure you have a wrist band and that you keep an eye on pfb,"

It may be like returning to the classroom when being faced with the same kinds of reactions from partner's dil.

My child is also mixed race (she is dark and im blonde) and one of my friends who looks after her a lot is dark also. She gets mistaken for my DDs mum a lot but doesnt correct people. We have a laugh about it as she does look more like DD (colouring wise) than I do.
I personally dont see much wrong in ehat you have said either. I have sympathy with the woman tbf.
My friend dotes on my DD as she only has boys, she posts photos of her on fb and buys her pretty clothes if she sees them when she is out. I feel very secure in my position as 'mum' so I am just very thankful that someone loves my child like that. (And is willing to babysit a lot!! )

Try not to worry OP.

I think your DH has to be the one to have a chat with FIL about this. You shouldn't be put in this position. My exMIL was quite pushy and possessive of my DC when they were small and it drove me crazy but I knew she loved them and meant well so I bit my tongue.
I think the fact that she is young and doesn't (and probably won't) have her own dc makes her behaviour seem slightly off.

Fwiw, my best friends dd is mixed race and I wince when she brushes her hair really fast and braids it into the most amazing plaits but I would never ever dream of saying anything to her. It looks like it's hurting her but it isn't.

I have a friend who is a primary school teacher, who has never married/had children. Her behaviour towards my son and her nieces and nephews has always felt a bit odd, sometimes irritating. She can come over as if she knows it all about child care and development, also her boundaries are a bit off at times. She can be a bit controlling and a little superior. At times I have felt just a little intimidated, my DH & I now just smile and feel a little sad for her.

There is a lot of complexity in this family dynamic. DH being NC with his own mother, the age differences between this woman and FIL, the closeness in age to OPs DH and the choice of FIL about having no more children.

Personally I would throw a few light-hearted comments back at her when she oversteps your boundaries in the hope she gets the hint. If this doesn't work, a tactful conversation about how she sometimes makes you feel a bit uncomfortable.

I don't think that the special nickname, being short when you mentioned first aid or even the comment about photos are really bad. But the tears and accompanying comments sound quite intense. However I'd personally assume that the intensity of emotion comes from her sadness at her own situation not from your child. It doesn't sound like she has or is about to act inappropriately with respect to your ds, she sounds like a nice influence. So from what you've said I wouldn't worry about your ds, more about her happiness (which you may not feel it's your place to get involved with).

Tink I know one can never be 100% certain of these things, but I really don't think she has any fertility issues. She's on the same pill as me and regularly mentions it as a choice she made to be with FIL.

^ if she "regularly mentions" it then it probably is an issue ?

she sounds a little over-enthusiastic perhaps, but as a primary school teach she's obviously v comfortable around children, which may make her behaviour seem out of the ordinary IYKWIM.

at the end of the day you have to feel comfortable with her around your family, so it's all up to you, but mentionning it directly would probably cause more trouble than it's worth!

there's a feeling of barely suppressed overintensity to her behaviour. I would be warey and watchful and not allow her that kind of access without your being present. There's something off about her. Trust your instincts.

Fair enough op. Twas just a thought. she sounds nice and a bit sad to me.

'A woman trying to come to terms with her decision not to have children when finding herself getting increasingly fond of a child who, as the OP points out, looks quite like how her and FIL's child might look; in other words what she is missing is right there in front of her face'

I have been in exactly this position (apart from the child in question not looking like me and DP). To a large extent, I'm still there. She may well be questioning her decision not to have children, and thinking hard about a childless future with your FIL. That does not mean that she wants children necessarily, just that its becoming a more complex issue for her since she's met your DS who she's obviously very fond of. She may be acknowledging the loss involved in choosing not to have a child of your own. It's not just as simple as wanting children or not wanting them - its an intensely personal and complex issue.

Please OP, do not follow any of the suggestions to assert yourself by saying 'I'm his mum, not you', or 'there's only room for one mother in this house'. She will be absolutely crushed. I would have been utterly devastated if my friend had said this to me. Of course you're his mum - everyone knows that. It sounds like this woman is trying to fit into your family while dealing with some seriously painful stuff of her own. It can be very sad and lonely to be only childless adult in a family group. Maybe she's being a bit clumsy about it but please go easy on her.

Tinkfromlovejoy - lovely post. I'm so sorry

Why all the negative comments about first aid kits on days out? Our car came with one from the dealer so it's generally with us! (And then MIL stuck another one in the boot for good measure, but that's another story.)

^ misses point of thread entirely...

Being infertile is one hard road to walk. Making a conscious decision to choose the man you're in love with over the possibility of having your own children is another, possibly even tougher, road to walk, especially when you're still in your peak fertile years. I feel a bit sorry for this woman, and would join those posters suggesting you cut her some slack, or at least attempt to get to know her well enough to be able to discuss things, so you can perhaps raise the issue and clear the air between you - it sounds like some of your own anxiety stems from not really knowing what she's thinking.

she got FIL to try to show me how to 'properly brush a black child's hair'.

Well, I think this is actually awful, and if anyone did that to me I would give a very brusque response.

This is really a boundary issue, isn't it? Like any (step) grandparent or extended family member she has a secondary role in relation to your children while you and your DH have the primary roles. So deciding when they learn to swim and assuming you don't know how to look after their hair are not things she should really be doing. None of the rest of the background is actually relevant, I think. Not her age, or whether she wants her own children etc etc.

Like many a MIL, or sibling or friend, she just needs to accept that neither she nor FIL can override or displace you and your DH in looking after and deciding things for your children. And that it is up to the two of you to decie what kind of contact the children have with her and how often. So yes, I think your DH should speak to his father about that, but should avoid going into GF's supposed feelings or wants or plans like the plague.

I don't think not correcting random strangers at a theme park is anything to worry about. Its not any of their business.

If I was looking after a puppy for someone, and someone said 'oh your dog's so cute!', I wouldn't feel the need to explain I was looking after it, because they are strangers.

Also, if she's a teacher, she must bond with some children but only to a certain extent. It must be special to be able to bond more.

Also, the hair brushing thing, yes this is annoying and overstepping the boundary, and yes if it continues you should probably say something, but you should remember she's a teacher and its probably hard to turn off the instinct to correct and teach.

She sounds like a bit of a know it all, but if she's also young, she might mellow.

She's being weird, your gut is telling you this. You don't need to justify it eloquently to please strangers.

She clearly needs to leave your FIL and get together with a younger man who is at the same stage in life as her and wants the same things, ie kids.

I would take a step back regardless, she sounds like hard work.

I agree with all posters who say she is finding it hard to deal with agreeing to not have a child. She isn't trying to usurp you OP, be gentle with her. She probably makes those remarks so that HER DP can hear and feel her pain.
And why are so many posters outraged at advice on hair given etc. So what! It takes a village to raise a child as the saying goes. Yes some people can be a bit insensitive but it's usually just their personality type; no need to halt a child's relationship with that person.
teachers are often quite bossy: ducks