To ask her to take a small step back from my children?

[OstentatiousBreastfeeder]

I'll try to keep it short!

FIL met his girlfriend two years ago. She's very nice in general, and the children really like her. She's young, the same age as DH actually (late twenties), and FIL doesn't want any more children - which she has accepted and is now very sure that she will never have children. I'm not sure, but I think this may be relevant.

Pretty early on though I started to feel a bit uncomfortable with certain things she'd do/say. Overstepping boundaries. Not long after meeting DS she designated a special nickname for herself that he could call her. There have been lots of little overfamiliar things which have made me cringe a bit, though nothing as weird as recently.

She and FIL asked if they could take DS to Legoland for a birthday treat. It was really lovely of them, DS was really excited as he'd been dying to go. The day came and they arrived to pick him up.

FIL was busy in the kitchen with DH so I went through a list of stuff I needed to pack DS for the day and realised I'd run out of plasters (DS trips over a lot), so I asked her if she had a first aid kit in the car just in case the inevitable happened and he skinned his knee. The look she gave me was scathing. She then said, "do you think I don't know how to look after four year olds?" She is a primary school teacher, so I don't know, maybe me asking whether she carried plasters with her was a slight on her professional ability somehow. I felt she was defensive I just said, "Oh good then" and she changed the subject.

So as they're about to leave I ask FIL to make sure DS gets one of those wristbands put on in case he wanders off somewhere. FIL just nodded, but she did a massive eyeroll at me and said "yes yes we know" - again I got the feeling she was being defensive. Then they left.

They all came back and had had a lovely time, and had taken lots of photos. She was flicking through them on the phone, showing them to me when she stopped on of them all with FIL's arms round them both and said "he really could be ours by looking at him couldn't he?" - Apparently lots of people in queues were mentioning how handsome their son was, and she laughed as she told me she didn't bother correcting them, and just said thank you very much. DS is mixed race, FIL is black and she is white - so an easy assumption to make.

The most recent incident was at DS' birthday party. She started to cry, but shrugged it off quickly saying they were happy tears and told people not to make a fuss. She drove me and the children home and I asked what it was all about and she said "oh, it's just DS looked at me and I just thought 'god I love him so much' and it just set me off, that's all"

Please tell me that this notion I have of her using my children to replace the children she has decided she won't have is nonsense, or, if not nonsense then completely harmless?

tbh I wonder if it's her age which is the issue, not so much with the op but with her dh. Op said that her dh doesn't like it either, but tbh I'm not sure he might be keen on his father having taken up with a woman young enough to be his sister. I know I wouldn't, and that might possibly influence the way in which I reacted to the way she was with my children.

Op where is your dh's mum in this equation and does he have a relationship with her?

The eye rolling and making you feel stupid would annoy me too. If someone is trusting you with their child for the day, they might want to check a few things are in place. It's not an insult so her reaction was a bit rude.

The swimming comment is annoying too. I wonder though if it's genuinely because she has no idea of grandparent boundaries being that she is not the typical grandparent age and hasn't played grandma before? She's got no experience with it so there's bound to be moments where either side are a bit confused or annoyed.

I was insulting by asking if she had a plaster in the car because I'd run out, and quickly reminding FIL at the door to get him a wristband?

But you didn't ask if she had a plaster in the car. You asked if she had a First Aid kit in the car. Can't you see the difference? The former looks casual, the second looks ridiculously precious.

No, it was the person who introduced the idea of murder that was being hyperbolic.

Wait, was that you?

You know it was. You also know that I introduced as an example of a ludicrous action that FIL's gf was not going to carry out and hence no need for the hysteria and paranoia on this thread.

You responded that I could not know that she wasn't planning to kidnap DS or murder the OP.

Ah I feel quite sorry for her. She's been with FIL for some time now (a lot of couples get married within that time frame) and is traversing a really difficult line. She's in the same age brackets as yourselves but is a 'grandparent' without having do of her own. She sounds as if she's just struggling to hit the right balance and with her decision to not have children.

I think the age thing probably plays more of a role than you think. FWIW I would struggle massively if my dad took up with someone my age and I'm pretty sure it would cloud my judgement of them.

I haven't RTFT so apologies if I've missed something, but based on the OP I don't think there's anything weird about most of what your FIL's GF has said and done.

Although she doesn't have DCs of her own, she is used to taking out groups of 30+ DCs for a day trip, so is more than capable of looking after ONE with his own grandad there too. All the planning and instructing surrounding his day out would have had me rolling my eyes too!

When I go out with DP's children and people assume they are mine I don't start correcting them on the ins and outs of our step-family dynamic - it's just not necessary or appropriate.

If someone says anything nice, assuming his DD is mine (as well as my own DCs) I will just smile and say thank you, rather than launch into a lengthy explanation of which child belongs to whom, making the person I'm talking to feel silly and the DD being singled out feel like I'm disowning her! People remark upon us having 5 DCs and we laugh and say "yes, we've been busy" or something, rather than saying "these two are his, these ones are mine" - it just seems petty.

The welling up at his B-day thing was probably to do with her realising that she won't ever have that with her own child if she stays with FIL and trying to justify her decision by affirming that she can have strong loving feelings for other children in her family (and after 2 years, if she spends a bit of time with you all, she really is part of your family and has every 'right' to love your son as much as any aunt or uncle might).

If she'd welled up and when you asked her if she was ok, she had said "actually I'm just feeling a bit sad that I'll never have a party like this and won't have my own DCs" it might have seemed a bit self-indulgent and inappropriate on his special day, so she turned it around to make it into something nice about how much she loves your DS.

I think you need to give her a break, credit her with some intelligence and sensitivity to build a relationship with your DS - it doesn't threaten you and it is nice for him to have family who enjoy spending time with him. As for the special nickname - should he call her step-granny?! In her position it is a bit formal to have him call her by her own name while calling her partner grandad, so I understand why she wanted a pet name that he could use.

Regarding the hair thing; a lot of parents unwittingly hurt their children when they brush or comb their hair. Crying implies pain, although sometimes yes it's just dislike of having hair brushed. Maybe she was genuinely trying to suggest an alternative. I used to watch my friend comb her son's hair. He'd be crying and i would cringe. There are products / techniques that make the whole process less painful. Have you tried them? Not saying this in a patronizing way; I'm useless with hair.

Balloon my exact words were, "crap, I've run out of plasters. Do you have a first aid kit in the car in case he skins his knee?" it wasn't an interrogation into how prepared she was to look after my pfb. He constantly falls over, especially when he's excited. I was just checking so I could pop out and get a pack if she didn't, my tone was casual.

I do see her position as a difficult one, one I wouldn't choose to put myself in, and I'm sympathetic to a point. DH is a lot more blunt about it.

wanna DH is no-contact with his mum. She's not in the picture at all.

I think your instincts are right, just keep away from her, get some space for a while.
From what you said, I feel she thinks she would be a great parent, and probably would be but this is coming across as critical towards you. You are not imagining it, rolling her eyes etc.she thinks she would do a better job than you.
Minding a child for a few hours or even a classroom of children is very different than being a parent. My friend is a teacher and got the shock of her life when she had a baby.
I hope this woman gets to have the baby she dearly wants, but if I were you I would not be spending any time with her or putting up with her criticisms.
Best of luck x

Ah she wasn't crying charley, just wriggling. We brush through with a leave-in conditioner in the morning. I've got the hair thing down!

Ah thanks for letting me know OB, I can relax and enjoy my day now!!

Being mistaken for a child's parent and not correcting the assumption is one thing - quoting the story back to the OP in the way she has described is quite the other and I suspect this is what has riled the OP.

I would be furious with the hair brushing comment - I assume OP isn't black but has learned how to manage her mixed race children's hair up to now.

Not as close. DD is indifferent towards both her and FIL but then she is a toddler.

Only read pages 1-3 properly so sorry if this had already being mentioned but could her not being a blood family member have something to do with it?

I would feel like she is being a bit weird, and not not be pleased by the swimming or hair brushing comments, but she has only being with fil two years, it's hardly a fully established family member, and crying over your son- seems very ott to me.

OP, I never had plasters around much with DS because I was so neurotic even his shorts were over the knee so he didn't skin it at that age so it seems a completely reasonable thing to ask of a childless person! Why would an unmarried, childless adult, whose DP had no young kids themselves, carry plasters in the car as a matter of course? And I did always send Calpol, and carry it myself, if out for a day (expensive days especially!)

She sounds deeply, deeply irritating. But I do also think she sounds deeply unhappy with her DP's not wanting any more children - reasonably so, given her age and presumed liking for small people.

She lacks an understanding of boundaries, which is never comfy for those directly affected. I think next time she says something that really crosses a line - and the hair and swimming things do, IMO - then you need to say that you're the mum, she's the grandpa's girlfriend, so how about you both remember those roles? As gently as possible.

When my MIL tried to run my wedding, I told her that when she remarried (she'd left my FIL a few years earlier for another bloke, so not rude in itself!) then she could have all the things she liked at her wedding, but this was my wedding, and I wanted it the way I liked things. Unfortunately, in your situation, reference to her being able to parent how she wanted when she had kids of her own would be impossibly bitchy, because it's presumably such a sore subject. Really I think she needs to leave him and find someone who does want kids. Problem solved for all of you. I do feel for her, as I expect do you, but it doesn't make her less annoying for you to deal with, does it? Sounds like she almost resents you for having a baby in this family when she's not able to.

Not too sure really, the crying thing is weird but everything else I really don't see the issue.

I have to say I found it really pationising when my bil told me to watch a child around some stairs. So perhaps she found your comments pationising? I do now make an effort to not tell anyone who looks after ds about this and that because imo if you trust someone to look after your child, then you really don't need to make sure they know what to do if that makes sense.

I would be unsettled by the crying at the party.

Can a child have too many people who love them? I think its sad that she obviously wants children but doesn't feel she is going to be able to have them. Could be very positive for your children, I have an aunt who couldn't have children and my siblings and I certainly gained from her love and attention.

People saying she is pretending to be his mum, really? Would you start explaining the family relationship to random strangers in a queue? I remember my older sister taking my DS1 out when he was a toddler, she came home and laughingly told me how funny she thought it was when people thought she was his mum. Never struck me as something sinister. My husband is a bit older than me and is disabled, strangers have often said to the children when they were younger that grandad is calling you, he never felt the need to explain that he was the father. At a recent fete one of the stall holders referred to me as grandsons mum, I was so pleased it didn't occur to me to tell him I wasn't.

Honestly people read too much into things.

It must be really weird for a young woman to be in a grandmother position.

The thing is, and I'm not trying to dripfeed, they're planning to move closer in the next year to be nearer the children.

They currently live a 50 minute drive away and would be moving to the next town, so they say. DH thinks unless he says something about the tone of some of her comments she'll only feel more entitled to make them, being on our doorstep and so much more involved.

I love the fact that my children are loved by other people. My family aren't very present in their lives and it makes me happy to know that DH's side more than make up for that. I think some of you are right in that I might be feeling unreasonably threatened, as well as her getting it a bit wrong at times. No great crime committed, just one of those things.

Shes being totally unreasonable, my niece looks like me and I've always corrected people. Otherwise it's creepy.

I don't think there's anything here that would be really out of place.

When I nannied people were often referring to me as mummy, and I normally corrected it. But it firstly get very wearing and secondly if someone had been gushing how alike we were, it could be quite embarrassing for them. If it was someone we'd see again of course I would correct them.

I suspect she is sad about not having her own children. But perhaps that means she feels more attached to yours, which isn't necessarily bad in itself.
If they had children together you probably would find that your fil would have less time to grandparent as he would be parenting so you might find that hard too.

This would piss me off. Sorry but she has no place to question you on anything, they're your children.

She is getting over invested in your DS and I would pull back from it. If she wants children then she needs to be with someone younger who wants them too, not use your DS as a substitute.

The fact that even your DH has noticed says it all, she is crossing the line and it needs to stop. I imagine it would escalate into more and more.

Her being a teacher does of know she means everything about children. There is noting wrong with asking if she had plasters for your accident prone child! And the wrist band (I assume with the phone number on I case he got lost?) Is a sensible precaution when you are going somewhere busy with a young child. I'd certainly do this with an even older child.

How does DS react to her? Do they have a good relationship?
For me that would be what it boils down to, if he is fond of her too and happy spending time with them then I would not be inclined to worry.
I wonder if she doesn't have the best of both worlds, loves DS, loves being around a child but gets to hand him back at the end of the day.

I suspect there may be (quite naturally) an element of PFB about your uneasiness towards her.

I may be wrong, there is more to your family dynamic than can be covered in a thread but I can't help thinking you are overreacting just a little ( I mean that kindly), if you say something it will cause animosity and she may actually be an asset to your family.