To ask her to take a small step back from my children?

[OstentatiousBreastfeeder]

I'll try to keep it short!

FIL met his girlfriend two years ago. She's very nice in general, and the children really like her. She's young, the same age as DH actually (late twenties), and FIL doesn't want any more children - which she has accepted and is now very sure that she will never have children. I'm not sure, but I think this may be relevant.

Pretty early on though I started to feel a bit uncomfortable with certain things she'd do/say. Overstepping boundaries. Not long after meeting DS she designated a special nickname for herself that he could call her. There have been lots of little overfamiliar things which have made me cringe a bit, though nothing as weird as recently.

She and FIL asked if they could take DS to Legoland for a birthday treat. It was really lovely of them, DS was really excited as he'd been dying to go. The day came and they arrived to pick him up.

FIL was busy in the kitchen with DH so I went through a list of stuff I needed to pack DS for the day and realised I'd run out of plasters (DS trips over a lot), so I asked her if she had a first aid kit in the car just in case the inevitable happened and he skinned his knee. The look she gave me was scathing. She then said, "do you think I don't know how to look after four year olds?" She is a primary school teacher, so I don't know, maybe me asking whether she carried plasters with her was a slight on her professional ability somehow. I felt she was defensive I just said, "Oh good then" and she changed the subject.

So as they're about to leave I ask FIL to make sure DS gets one of those wristbands put on in case he wanders off somewhere. FIL just nodded, but she did a massive eyeroll at me and said "yes yes we know" - again I got the feeling she was being defensive. Then they left.

They all came back and had had a lovely time, and had taken lots of photos. She was flicking through them on the phone, showing them to me when she stopped on of them all with FIL's arms round them both and said "he really could be ours by looking at him couldn't he?" - Apparently lots of people in queues were mentioning how handsome their son was, and she laughed as she told me she didn't bother correcting them, and just said thank you very much. DS is mixed race, FIL is black and she is white - so an easy assumption to make.

The most recent incident was at DS' birthday party. She started to cry, but shrugged it off quickly saying they were happy tears and told people not to make a fuss. She drove me and the children home and I asked what it was all about and she said "oh, it's just DS looked at me and I just thought 'god I love him so much' and it just set me off, that's all"

Please tell me that this notion I have of her using my children to replace the children she has decided she won't have is nonsense, or, if not nonsense then completely harmless?

So this poor young woman is wasting her life whit you (not so)lovely FIL. Why do young women delude themselfs like this.I feel really sorry for her.Cant you ask her if this is what she wants because clearly its not.She really wants a child.Your FIL is a selfish big.

I think your assessment is right, but I'm not sure how much it is harmful to your DCs. I agree it's teeth-gritting for you, but I think there's a way to handle it that doesn't leave you feeling as if you want to argue with her on every point. It is her problem.

I think the crying incident was maybe an opening to really gently talk to her in a sympathetic way about how she feels about your DS.

I can see why this has got your back up but unless there is an accidental (hmm) pregnancy she's not going to be a long term fixture in your life. She's clearly struggling with her decision not to have kids and she's still young. Presumably the age gap is quite significant between her and your fil. I imagine it's all very emotional and difficult right now for her.

I can't see how it's affecting your kids though so I'd just grit my teeth and count the seconds til she gets distracted with her own baby or finds a new partner.

i think its sad.
I am sorry for her and hope she perhaps finds a new partner, rather than your FIL, with whom to have her own children.

It sounds like she's turned your son into a project of her own. I'd be uncomfortable with it. If you like her, maybe you could ask her outright - seeing as she's so good with DS, whether she's had second thoughts about children of her own. What you call hostility sounds like jealousy of you.

Sounds as if her and FIL won't last if she's this desperate for kids.

To be honest I'd confront this one head on. I'd tell her that her behaviour around DS is bordering on too much and she needs to remember that she's his grandad's girlfriend, not his mum.

Sounds like she's trying to be step grandma to your son, which I suppose she is. Those are nice things to do, op.

She probably does feel broody, but who wouldn't. She deserves your sympathy.

Sorry but I think she'll probably be gone soon if her desire to have children is so strong. Too big a sacrifice

It would definitely put my back up, especially the swimming comment. It's not up to her when your son starts swimming!

Having said that I do feel sorry for her and would have a word with her from the point of view that you are worried about her acceptance to not have kids. Tell her that it's obvious that she wants kids and you're worried that she''s unhappy.

Gosh some horrible comments here.

What I read when I read the OP was a woman of childbearing age who has fallen in love with a man who doesn't want any more children, and who has decided to go along with that because she loves the man, and who is now regretting it as the broody feelings she repressed are now re-surfacing after the honeymoon period is over. The exact same thing happened to my sister - she luuurved BIL sooo much she didn't care that he didn't want any more DCs . . . they'd been married about a year before she came crashing back to Earth (but luckily that one had a happy ending).

I think what she needs is someone kind to talk to, to ask her if she still feels OK about not having DCs with FIL, because you have noticed that she is emotional around the children, to see if they can help her come to terms with her emotions. Not posting a thread slagging her off on the internet.

Some of the comments on here - "manipulative bitch" Really? A woman trying to come to terms with her decision not to have children when finding herself getting increasingly fond of a child who, as the OP points out, looks quite like how her and FIL's child might look; in other words what she is missing is right there in front of her face.

As for the "do you have a first aid kit in your car" - well I eyerolled at home sitting at my computer so I think you were very lucky to get away with a scathing look. If you can't stop yourself asking a teacher who is spending £££££ on taking YOUR child on a birthday treat to a large attraction with loads of first aid stations whether they have a first aid kit in their car (who the fuck has a first aid kit in their car?) then you are probably not ready to let your kids out for the day with somebody else. Similarly, the wristband - this woman is a TEACHER who frequently takes more than one small child on school trips and does not lose them. Both times you were insulting and patronising. (Not that I might not have said the same things about my own PFB, but I would have apologised as I said them, with an "Oh I'm sorry, I know you're better at this sort of thing than me, it's just I worry so much..." and I would not have posted a thread like this suggesting that SHE was being rude when it was actually me.)

What is your husband's view?

As a rule I have to point out the majority of subtle things like this as he doesn't see them at all, but he sees this by himself which says a lot for him. He doesn't like it.

He wants to say something because of the swimming comment, and after she made a bit of a scene about how rough I was being brushing DD's hair after I'd already said not to worry.

It was a soft bristle brush and I was being quick because she's 18 months old and hates having it brushed, she asked if I was being too rough and I explained I was being gentle, just quick, but she got FIL to try to show me how to 'properly brush a black child's hair'. It was all tongue in cheek but it really annoyed DH.

I do feel sorry for her. DH is a private person and feels he's being made to share his family with someone he doesn't really know very well.

What is the age gap between you all?
Is she the same age as you? How old is FIL?
Like others have said, unless there's a surprise pregnancy I doubt she will be around for long. She obviously really wants children but also wants to be with fil so your son is a substitute. I fear it will only get worse.

When she was crying and you asked what was wrong she may have made up her rather odd response. I have become a bit teary at a memory of a loved one who died and told DH it was about something different because I didn't want to go into what it really was.

The swimming comment would really rile me, she may not realise how annoying it is to be told by someone what 'they' want 'your' child to do. It even annoys me when my parents/parents-in-law do this.

I agree with others on the thread - she'll be pregnant within the year and all the 'we look like a family' is for the benefit of FIL.

If your instincts say something is wrong, and your DH has noticed - then trust yourself.

Someone is going to have to speak to your FIL. I also think her biological clock is ticking, and they could do with being really honest with each other.

I was insulting by asking if she had a plaster in the car because I'd run out, and quickly reminding FIL at the door to get him a wristband?

The hair thing is annoying. I can see how it may be a cumulative effect of minor irritations!

Also I like her, but we aren't friends iyswim. I don't think I could get her to open up about anything that isn't really my business.

I feel sorry for her. She obviously really wants children and has compromised on this massive thing and is unhappy about it.

Id just repeat when ever stuff like this gets said "Please remeber who DSs parents are please".

To be fair she is in an odd position. Childbearing age to a Man who doesnt want kids, who has a grandson who they like to spend time with.....

If she's a teacher then she must love children an being with your DS has made her feel close to him. I cried when my niece brought round her firstborn, she was so proud and her daughter so perfect.

Some people really are just wusses.

It's lovely that he has someone else in his life who'd take a bullet for him. My childless BF was potty about my two when they were little and they're still close now.

There is not enough love in the world.

The swimming and hair thing would tip me. I can't see how you can talk to her about it without causing bad feeling. I'd try to subtly assert yourself any time anything is said. If she questions it or disagrees, there is an opportunity to have a conversation.

I think YABU and jealous.

The more people that love your child, the better. it's great she cares for him in a mother-like way and wants to spend time with him. She sounds really nice and you sound a little insecure if you feel threatened by her. Your DS knows who his mother is.

I've always liked the idea that 'it takes a village to raise a child'. The more love in a child's life the better - her feelings for your son don't make you any less of a mother.