To ask her to take a small step back from my children?

[OstentatiousBreastfeeder]

I'll try to keep it short!

FIL met his girlfriend two years ago. She's very nice in general, and the children really like her. She's young, the same age as DH actually (late twenties), and FIL doesn't want any more children - which she has accepted and is now very sure that she will never have children. I'm not sure, but I think this may be relevant.

Pretty early on though I started to feel a bit uncomfortable with certain things she'd do/say. Overstepping boundaries. Not long after meeting DS she designated a special nickname for herself that he could call her. There have been lots of little overfamiliar things which have made me cringe a bit, though nothing as weird as recently.

She and FIL asked if they could take DS to Legoland for a birthday treat. It was really lovely of them, DS was really excited as he'd been dying to go. The day came and they arrived to pick him up.

FIL was busy in the kitchen with DH so I went through a list of stuff I needed to pack DS for the day and realised I'd run out of plasters (DS trips over a lot), so I asked her if she had a first aid kit in the car just in case the inevitable happened and he skinned his knee. The look she gave me was scathing. She then said, "do you think I don't know how to look after four year olds?" She is a primary school teacher, so I don't know, maybe me asking whether she carried plasters with her was a slight on her professional ability somehow. I felt she was defensive I just said, "Oh good then" and she changed the subject.

So as they're about to leave I ask FIL to make sure DS gets one of those wristbands put on in case he wanders off somewhere. FIL just nodded, but she did a massive eyeroll at me and said "yes yes we know" - again I got the feeling she was being defensive. Then they left.

They all came back and had had a lovely time, and had taken lots of photos. She was flicking through them on the phone, showing them to me when she stopped on of them all with FIL's arms round them both and said "he really could be ours by looking at him couldn't he?" - Apparently lots of people in queues were mentioning how handsome their son was, and she laughed as she told me she didn't bother correcting them, and just said thank you very much. DS is mixed race, FIL is black and she is white - so an easy assumption to make.

The most recent incident was at DS' birthday party. She started to cry, but shrugged it off quickly saying they were happy tears and told people not to make a fuss. She drove me and the children home and I asked what it was all about and she said "oh, it's just DS looked at me and I just thought 'god I love him so much' and it just set me off, that's all"

Please tell me that this notion I have of her using my children to replace the children she has decided she won't have is nonsense, or, if not nonsense then completely harmless?

The wristband and first aid kit thing is odd. I have a 4 yo, but would happily take advice on caring for someone else's child as they are all different.

I agree with balloonSlayer clearly this woman is struggling with her decision not to have children (IMO one of the pitfalls of a large age gap), and as for the crying incident, whatever the reason was, it was the op who asked about it not the gf who offered up the explanation iyswim.

At the end of the day these are just words. The op is the children's mother, and there will always be other people in those children's lives, some of whom may have difference in communication skills, but ultimately the fact that people make misguided comments doesn't mean they are suddenly going to abduct the children or force them into any kind of activity.

All the suggestion of comments that the op should say things like "I am the mother," sound incredibly possessive, and the comments of someone who feels threatened. ultimately no-one can threaten your position as parent even if they have a close relationship with the dc.

However, I say this as the parent of a now almost teenager who had similar feelings when he was younger. But as children get older you start to realise that what is really important is that they develop good relationships with all the people in their lives, and that insecurities as a parent are just that, insecurities, because the children will always come back to their parent while they're young.

I would just smile at comments that get you riled, but try to empathise a bit with this woman and yes, have a conversation with her around her decision not to have children and whether or not she is struggling with that. She needs some support not to be villified for trying to have a positive relationship with the dc. Far better that the dc have a good relationship with her and their grandad than someone who actively keeps him away from his gc.

Fwiw I can't imagine how difficult it must be to be in a relationship with someone whose children are the same age as you are, or to have to consider yourself a step grandparent in your twenties while resigning yourself to the fact you have agreed never to have children if the relationship is to remain.

This woman needs to pack up your FIL and find herself a boyfriend she can have kids with.

Don't see a problem - she adores your child. That's a compliment to you and him. By taking such an interest in him will only enrich his life.

Nothing you have said makes me think theres' a problem - possibly because I'm the same with my niece and nephew (despite having two of my own DCs and way past the age when any more would be desirable! ) People mistake us for one family - why bother explaining? I do get a bit emotional over them and share their parents' pride in any achievements.

I don't believe children can be loved too much, and by the more people the better. Spoiled too much - yes - but you're not suggesting that. I would be grateful for the time out it gives you.

I think she sounds like she wants children and if she can't have them, she wants to be the best possible grandmother. It is not dissimilar to two of my daughter's godparents. I think she is being lovely to your son. I think you are being a teeny bit unfair. I also think you should encourage your FIL to have another child if he wants this relationship to last.

I also think you should encourage your FIL to have another child if he wants this relationship to last.

Really?

By taking such an interest in him will only enrich his life.

That's very far from a given.

Not all relationships are positive.

Being on the receiving end of obsessive "love" is an unpleasant pressure, and not something I would choose for a 4 year old.

If both a child's parent are annoyed/worried by the way a new person in the child's life is treating them, that's worth paying attention to.

It should be reasonably easy to reduce her time around your children and put a stop to days out without you if you and your husband are agreed on that.

Gosh some horrible comments here

Yes, a saddening lack of empathy from some people

I don't understand all the 'trust your instincts' comments. Trust her instincts in respect of what? This is not one of those Channel 5 daytime movies, this woman isn't going to kidnap DS or murder OP in order to become his 'real' mummy

This is not one of those Channel 5 daytime movies, this woman isn't going to kidnap DS or murder OP in order to become his 'real' mummy

Well, you have no way of knowing that she won't.

It's unlikely, but not certain.

But apart from that there are lots of ways to harm a child that don't involve killing them.

She's already undermining the parents in front of the children.

I wouldn't want someone competing with me for my child's affection. That can be a very damaging dynamic for a child.

LOL OP, one post about you being a bit pfb to a primary school teacher about plasters and Id bands, amidst loads of posts calling her manipulative , a bitch, suspicious etc etc.

Yes, it was a bit ott , but most of us parents are. We fuss, that's what we do. And other relatives frequently piss us off over some small issue like hair or other comments.

She is in an awkward situation, newish to the family, trying too hard, probably feeling wistful at least .

Most people seeing a child out with an adult of mother age assume the child is theirs. She wasn't pretending to be his Mum.

Maybe she was crying because she is thinking of leaving your FIL, but knows that would also mean not seeing your son again?

Well, you have no way of knowing that she won't

I'll keep an eye on the news, but I'm pretty certain on this one.

I think this woman is over invested in your son.

That said, the comments from PP about her being likely to engineer a pregnancy against her partner's wishes are really nasty. There is no reason to believe she'd do such a thing. I do think it's possible the relationship will end though if she wants kids this much.

I wouldn't want someone competing with me for my child's affection.

What a strange perspective! A competition? Really?

Yeah just to clarify, I really don't suspect her of planning to kidnap my son!

I don't know, maybe I do feel threatened

The eyerolling and the 'yes yes we know' comments, and the concern over my brushing of her hair, things like that, make me feel a bit stupid. And as though she feels she'd probably do a better job.

I feel a bit silly.

What a strange perspective! A competition? Really?

Yeah. A competition to be favourite.

It's a very common, and very damaging, dynamic.

It's quite easy to buy children's affections, to give them things their parents won't, to let them do things their parents won't, to establish the people who impose discipline as the bad guy.

It's the Disney Dad dynamic. It's the "favourite Granny" dynamic.

And it's bad for children.

The worry is not that the person competing will win, it's that it's damaging for children.

Both of this child's parents are uncomfortable with the way she treats him.

I think telling them both to ignore their own parenting instincts when it comes to their son is poor advice.

OP the eye-rolling and hair brushing comments would irritate me too, but the fact that she's so fond of your DS is a positive thing I think. Kids benefit from having lots of people to love them.

However, it is very sad as she clearly wants a child of her own, so I would have a couple of concerns. She may stay with your FIL and remain childless,which I think will make her extremely unhappy. Or she may decide to split with him and find someone who wants kids - this would be great for her but your DS would be very sad if she disappeared from his life after he'd become attached to her.

It's a difficult situation all round.

Jeez forging a good relationship with a 'daughter in law' can be complicated at the best of times, never mind when you're around the same age! It sounds like you're both trying hard to make it work and both of you occasionally get it wrong. That's all.

The issue isn't that FIL's gf could abduct the DS but that some of her behaviour seems inappropriate and odd which could be weird and uncomfortable for him.

Not OP's role to discuss the gf's relationship or current choice not to have DC.

Trust your instincts, OP. I don't think it sounds great. I think the best way forward would be for dh to have a word with FIL and let him address it with her. However, with the pretending to be his mum and 'he could be ours' - I think I would tell her I wasn't comfortable with the comment. It's difficult to address these things but we have to stand up for our children and this sounds really unhealthy.

I think telling them both to ignore their own parenting instincts when it comes to their son is poor advice

I think resort to hyperbolic psychobabble and pseudoscience is poor advice.

I think resort to hyperbolic psychobabble and pseudoscience is poor advice.

No, it was the person who introduced the idea of murder that was being hyperbolic.

Wait, was that you?

I'm pretty sure I haven't even thought, never mind claimed, that my advice was scientific.

Is the hyperbole thing something you just can stop?

Why do people jump to the jealously conclusion?

This would concern me slightly and I am not at all jealous of others having close relationships with my children, I actively encourage it. Mine were close to their step mum and I loved it and encouraged it and never felt it was a threat, but if someone was acting the way her FIL's gf was it would concern me and it would have nothing to do with jealously.

OP it does sound like she is desperate to have children, or she could be trying really hard to form a good relationship and just getting it a bit wrong. For now I would just keep an eye on it all. I think she sounds like she is kind and just getting things a bit wrong. Pull her up gently on things like the hair brushing though.

Hmm, I'm in 2 minds about this. As for her being funny about your plasters/wristband comments, I would have rolled my eyes internally but not said anything, think that's a separate issue really. Before having my own kids I was very close to bffs kids and spent a lot of time with them, people would assume they were mine, I wouldn't always correct them and did quite like it, I didn't feel bunny boilerish, and BFF and her husband encouraged the relationship. The crying thing does seem slightly Ott. I think the worry is that she has accepted not having kids but really would like them and is expressing that through your ds. Only you can decide when that crosses a line really.