Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask her to take a small step back from my children?

192 replies

OstentatiousBreastfeeder · 14/07/2015 00:06

I'll try to keep it short!

FIL met his girlfriend two years ago. She's very nice in general, and the children really like her. She's young, the same age as DH actually (late twenties), and FIL doesn't want any more children - which she has accepted and is now very sure that she will never have children. I'm not sure, but I think this may be relevant.

Pretty early on though I started to feel a bit uncomfortable with certain things she'd do/say. Overstepping boundaries. Not long after meeting DS she designated a special nickname for herself that he could call her. There have been lots of little overfamiliar things which have made me cringe a bit, though nothing as weird as recently.

She and FIL asked if they could take DS to Legoland for a birthday treat. It was really lovely of them, DS was really excited as he'd been dying to go. The day came and they arrived to pick him up.

FIL was busy in the kitchen with DH so I went through a list of stuff I needed to pack DS for the day and realised I'd run out of plasters (DS trips over a lot), so I asked her if she had a first aid kit in the car just in case the inevitable happened and he skinned his knee. The look she gave me was scathing. She then said, "do you think I don't know how to look after four year olds?" She is a primary school teacher, so I don't know, maybe me asking whether she carried plasters with her was a slight on her professional ability somehow. I felt she was defensive Confused I just said, "Oh good then" and she changed the subject.

So as they're about to leave I ask FIL to make sure DS gets one of those wristbands put on in case he wanders off somewhere. FIL just nodded, but she did a massive eyeroll at me and said "yes yes we know" - again I got the feeling she was being defensive. Then they left.

They all came back and had had a lovely time, and had taken lots of photos. She was flicking through them on the phone, showing them to me when she stopped on of them all with FIL's arms round them both and said "he really could be ours by looking at him couldn't he?" - Apparently lots of people in queues were mentioning how handsome their son was, and she laughed as she told me she didn't bother correcting them, and just said thank you very much. DS is mixed race, FIL is black and she is white - so an easy assumption to make.

The most recent incident was at DS' birthday party. She started to cry, but shrugged it off quickly saying they were happy tears and told people not to make a fuss. She drove me and the children home and I asked what it was all about and she said "oh, it's just DS looked at me and I just thought 'god I love him so much' and it just set me off, that's all"

Please tell me that this notion I have of her using my children to replace the children she has decided she won't have is nonsense, or, if not nonsense then completely harmless?

OP posts:
Original poster
OstentatiousBreastfeeder · 14/07/2015 00:50

Well I know you're right Epilepsy, but it still feels uncomfortable. Maybe it's my problem and not hers.

She often makes little comments like, "DS we must take you swimming soon, me and your grandad want you to be swimming before you're 6" and it feels odd for a reason I can't quite pinpoint.

OP posts:
ASettlerOfCatan · 14/07/2015 00:50

I suspect she is realising more as she sees your ds more how much she wants her own. Could you approach her as a friend? Maybe a simple sentance like "I saw how much like a happy little family you were at Legoland on those pics" may see it all tumble out.

ASettlerOfCatan · 14/07/2015 00:51

I think she needs to let it all out so she can then make the rough choices that need making.

SilverBirchWithout · 14/07/2015 00:56

I think that maybe if she was an older woman you would not feel so uncomfortable. Maybe the knowledge that she wants children and is a similar age is cloudy your judgement somewhat.

It sounds like she is trying to hard to be a surrogate grand-mother, but not getting it right and because of the age issues it seems she is behaving as a mother rather than a grandparent in your eyes.

It's a tough one in some ways. What exactly is your fear here? I'm not quite sure what harm she is doing other than making you feel a bit odd.

textfan · 14/07/2015 01:01

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Epilepsyhelp · 14/07/2015 01:03

Hmm, maybe it's that she's being a bit high handed and controlling? And possessive. In your last post her comment would have annoyed me!

TellmeifIABU · 14/07/2015 01:08

Yeah, I think you're right to be suspicious

Suspicious about what? I don't dispute that she's over-stepping boundaries (and clearly in a lot of pain as she tries to come to terms with likely never having children herself), but I don't see the need for suspicion. I doubt she's planning to steal her step-grandchild and raise him as her own.

sleeponeday · 14/07/2015 01:11

That last comment about the swimming would put my back up with my own mother! It's the high-handed way she tells your child what she wants for his future and what she plans to do to achieve that. It's not her decision or place. It's his parents'.

TellmeifIABU · 14/07/2015 01:13

She often makes little comments like, "DS we must take you swimming soon, me and your grandad want you to be swimming before you're 6" and it feels odd for a reason I can't quite pinpoint

The thing is, she's only in her twenties but, by virtue of her relationship with FIL, she's in the odd position of being a sort of step-grandparent despite not ever having had children herself (and clearly mourning that fact).

It's an odd 'role' in a family, and she certainly seems to be pitching it wrongly, but this has got to be really hard for her to navigate.

I feel really sorry for her, to be honest. Sad

Namechangenell · 14/07/2015 01:14

I think she sounds weird! It's not fair on your DC to be made a substitute for her choice not to have children. I'd be seeing less of her in your place. Your instincts are there for a reason and they're obviously kicking in. If you think something is off, it probably is. Doesn't FIL find it all a bit odd?

At the end of the day, she's FIL's girlfriend. You're his Mum. You have the final say.

Imnotbeingyourbestfriendanymor · 14/07/2015 01:33

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

musicalendorphins2 · 14/07/2015 01:48

I feel sorry for her, she really wants a child. I would be ok with most of what you described except for the comments and glare regarding the day out. He is your child and she was unpleasant towards you doing normal mommy stuff. She would do well to remember that you don't have to allow them to take your son out and get a better attitude. Make your children t shirt's with a pic of your DC and your dad that says "World's Best Grandpa" and when they go out together put it on the dc.

Bogeyface · 14/07/2015 01:50

Instincts are rarely wrong. You can only describe what has happened, and that often doesnt give the full story.

Listen to your instincts and back off.

What is your husbands view?

Bogeyface · 14/07/2015 01:50

Oh and unless your FIL has had a vasectomy, expect an "accidental" pregnancy within the next 2 years.

cocobean2805 · 14/07/2015 01:51

It sounds like she is a bit jealous, she's in a relationship where its been made clear children are off the cards, she's surrounded by children all day in her career and she's attempting to forge a relationship with your child as a means of fulfilling her want for a child.

It would make me a bit uncomfortable too with the comments she's making but perhaps she's just a bit misguided in thinking that being slightly over enthusiastic is the way to entrench herself in family life?

Sounds like she just wants to be loved and accepted by your child, but possibly a bit of distance might do you some good.

RainbowFlutterby · 14/07/2015 01:55

I'm afraid my response to "me & your grandad want you to be swimming by 6" would be "I'm his mother - I'll decide when he learns to swim."

musicalendorphins2 · 14/07/2015 01:56

I agree, she is just misguided. I know someone similar, they would never have glared at you or anything immproper, just a lot of mother love to give and no little chick's of her own.

Topseyt · 14/07/2015 01:59

She is clearly struggling with the idea that if she remains with your FIL she will never have a child of her own. For that she needs sympathy and support, but she also needs to realise that she is overstepping the boundaries.

A quick, firm "I am his parent, that is MY decision, not yours" may at times be necessary.

Couldashouldawoulda · 14/07/2015 02:00

Agree that if he hasn't had the snip, she'll soon be 'accidentally' pregnant. She sounds a bit odd to me...

textfan · 14/07/2015 02:21

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Whipnaenae · 14/07/2015 02:32

The last incident is a bit weird, but some people are a bit soppy.
The rest sounds like complete non-incidents to me.

HicDraconis · 14/07/2015 02:59

This sounds all kind of wrong to me!

"Me and your grandad want you to be swimming by 6"?! This alone would have me frothing, let alone the other incidents.

I wouldn't engineer her backing off. I'd state quite plainly that she didn't seem to grasp the "FiL girlfriend" aspect of her relationship with your son and that until she could, she wouldn't be spending any time with him without you there. Decisions like when and how he learns to swim are not hers to have any involvement in whatsoever. I would be telling her to back off until she could behave. TopseyT said it far more nicely :)

Also agree that your DH is likely to have a half sibling within the next few years unless FiL has had surgery.

LineRunner · 14/07/2015 03:24

I agree that that swimming comment alone would have really pissed me off. So proprietorial.

Marcipex · 14/07/2015 03:42

You might as well start knitting little bootees now tbh.

I think she's got herself between a rock and a hard place here. She does want children, perhaps she didn't realise how much herself at first.

why156 · 14/07/2015 05:30

Agree that the swimming comment is very annoying. It annoys me if my own sister says slightly proprietorial things about my dc - let alone an over effusive / eye rolling stranger on the scene.

The thing is - relationships often don't last. Why is she "wasting" her youth on someone who does not want dc? What is the age gap between her and FIL?