To ask, how much are Mumsnetters owed in maintenence arrears?

[whothehellknows]

I know from previous threads that there are lots of us on MN with ExP's that do anything they can to avoid maintenence.

Last night in a fit of ire (because ExP who "can't afford to pay maintenence" told me about how he's looking to buy a fucking boat) I used the CMS calculator to double check how much he should have been paying all this time. In total, our kids have missed out on over £6000 in payments in two years. The number really shook me. I'm sitting here thinking how many times I've cried in desperation trying to make ends meet, worked overtime, sold my stuff and gone without to take care of my kids. What a difference that money could have made.

I know it's a broken record, but I can't help but think that lone parents would need a lot less help from the state if NRP's had to step up and pay for their kids.

So out of curiosity, more than anything else, I'm wondering how much mumsnetters have had to make do without-- I'm betting it's a mind blowing amount.

If your ex should be paying and isn't, how much has he managed to dodge?

YY to what Basil said re: living in a patriarchy. It's like state-supported financial abuse of (largely) women and children.

Over £7000.... Try not to think about it!!

Currently about £500 but it had got to almost £5k at one point.

The charmer got in touch after 12 years of no contact and wanted to see DD, she told him to sod off and he decided to quit his job so she wouldnt get any money to punish her. And he cant work out why she wants nothing to do with him........

And deciding whether to tell the kids? On the one hand you want them to feel good about their parents, but on the other hand they ask why we can't afford to do things and it would be soooo easy to say "because your dad doesn't pay any money to support you!"

I do wonder if the U.S. has the right idea in making it an impressionable offence to not pay child support.

Bunch of gits!

Yes Wannabe my ex went there too. Said the youngest wasn't his. Honestly, when the lady from the csa told me he'd said that I snorted with laughter.

It seems that they will try anything. I'm appalled at the numbers from this thread, does the csa even have a success rate? They gave me this huge spiel about how deeply they would investigate him. Said they'd have tracing agents after him etc.

I haven't had a penny from dc1's Dad. Hand on heart, it doesn't bother me. I get to be her parent whereas he doesn't (his choice).

Dc1 is almost 10 by the way.

I've been split up just over a year and have received £500 in that time. According to CMS my ex should pay me £15,500 for this year. Which means I've missed out on about the same over the last year. ????

I haven't had a penny in 10 years. 2 of those years unemployed, 3 studying. When he did pay 10 years ago, he was in about £1200 arrears. He was supposed to pay £220 a month.
These days though, he has them 3 nights out of 7, goes half on most things, so i don't expect anything. So i guess at least £15k.

Approx £10k at the moment. My ex has recently paid off £10k due to the CSA getting it's act together and getting a Court Order to sell his house from under him. It took years to get to that situation - and meanwhile, he has been stacking up additional arrears that they haven't yet got around to chasing.

As for the memories, well, I think you'll find there are plenty of parents who won't/can't/don't pay maintenance who have good relationships with their children. It is not just those who walk away entirely who don't pay up. Some of them are happy to stand on your doorstep and tell you your child needs new shoes 'cos they have just ruined the ones they are wearing with 6 hours paddling in the sea in them.

fern I'm getting visions of a deserted CSA office with just my paper work in the 'actioned' file. Maybe they just process XP's payments every month and ignore everything else .

About 24k roughly, he earns 230k a year hasn't paid maintenance for about 18 months. Went self employed and hid accounts, CMS have been useless

He has put his dc in poverty just to keep abusing me, long history of abuse.

Dc went nc early last year due to his abuse towards them.

About £3,500.00

Youarekidding completely genius
Amount owed in maintenance for last 9 years = €30,780
Memories I have with DS he'll NEVER have = priceless.

I have not received one penny for over 18 years for two DC. I have got to the stage where I couldn't care less. Like Youarekidding says I have got something much more valuable.

On paper/legally - £0 as I got in touch with CSA but he threatened to kick off and due to dv related stuff I didn't pursue it, morally/CSA calculator however he should owe over £20k, makes me absolutely sick, the amount I've had to struggle and dd's had to go without and I bet he couldn't care less. Being NC has definitely been priceless though, but him ending up 20k richer by way of basically stealing from a child is awful.

Sammasati - my ex has done exactly the same thing. The year before he earned well in excess of £150 k. That's gone down to £90 k last year and this year he's started a new 'unprofitable' business.
Long history of abuse here too and he'd rather screw his kids over than pay a penny to me. And he's said exactly that.

My spas never missed a payment ever. He pays above the csa amount to his ex and then pays for school uniforms, shoes, trips, stuff for here etc all on top of that which is why we are always skint and she still bitches about the fact she can't afford a big 6 bedroom house and thinks he should be taking out a mortgage for her.

Considering she cheated on him, kicked him out and made him pay over a grand a month in mortgage and bill payments and then maintenance on top she is lucky she gets anywhere near as much. If it went on the kids I could accept it but as they never have clothes that fit and she is always asking for more but spending ££££'s on herself it pisses me off

Sometimes I'm philosophical about it and feel like I could care less... Other times everything is broken and needs repair/replacing, kids grow 2 sizes in 8 weeks, a piece of work dries up, and I'm back to just feeding the kids and picking at the leftovers on their plates to live... Then I care.

The US is NOT a good model of child support enforcement. Been there, done that. All they have to do in the US is quit their job, move to another state, and you have to start the process all over again from the beginning. It is a nightmare - took me over 10 years to finally start collecting it. Court finally got tough, threw him in jail - but then when they put him on probation for it, the probation officer told him "don't worry, as long as you don't miss 3 in a row, you're fine." So he only paid every 3rd payment - so two months nothing, 1 month payment. Yeah thanks FW.

And my ex here in the UK - not sure of the amount, but about 18 months no payments. I can't be arsed to go through CSA - he picks up and moves (even abroad) without any warning and he's not working at the moment, so what's the point?

57k which equals 18 years of none payment and not a hope in hell of ever getting a penny!
But at least he can't ever say he contributed/helped or in the last 7 years had any relationship with MY DS... his choice as I was willing to over look the lack of payment!

Whothehell realistically I feel the same when a crisis hits even though I try to put a brave face on things. I am up to my eyeballs in debt. Tutt estimates one child for 18 years at 57K so I am owed twice that.

Am I wrong in thinking that Australia and New Zealand have got it nailed? I remember when I lived in Australia over 20 years ago hearing people say that they couldn't avoid the CSA or whatever the equivalent is. I also knew of someone in the States that got his passport confiscated over non-payment of maintenance.

I couldn't go to the CSA because my exh would have given up his job immediately which he did in any case. There was always a threat of violence if I brought up the subject so it was not something I could do. Is the UK CSA just completely inept? I don't know, I am just so glad I am almost out the other side with one child out of education and another almost finished. It is extremely tough and those fathers should be brought to account.

How come the media aren't more interested in shaming these guys, instead of constantly banging on about benefit scroungers? There's got to be nearly a million pounds owed just to the people on this thread, and that's had to come from somewhere over the years.

When I was claiming working tax credit as a lone parent there wasn't even a question on the form enquiring whether or not I was in receipt of maintenance from the father of my children. He could have been giving me £1000's every month and I would have got £450 a month. I was in an extremely low paid job so qualified for that amount. Getting tax credits kept me working until my salary increased over the years. I no longer qualify.

This is what pisses me off so much about the hatchet job on tax credits. If it was managed properly and feckless fathers were brought to account it would still be an option for people on low wages. I say fathers because I have been a lone parent for over 18 years and in that time I know of one lone parent who was male. Don't even get me started!!

£40k some is maintenance some is school fees he agreed to pay half of (and didn't obviously). He's a solicitor so knew exactly how to play the system. He got made redundant 5 times in 2 years and then told us he wasn't working when he was. I finally got the csa involved. Even now he begrudges every penny. Really sucks.