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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To ask, how much are Mumsnetters owed in maintenence arrears?

517 replies

whothehellknows · 11/07/2015 14:19

I know from previous threads that there are lots of us on MN with ExP's that do anything they can to avoid maintenence.

Last night in a fit of ire (because ExP who "can't afford to pay maintenence" told me about how he's looking to buy a fucking boat) I used the CMS calculator to double check how much he should have been paying all this time. In total, our kids have missed out on over £6000 in payments in two years. The number really shook me. I'm sitting here thinking how many times I've cried in desperation trying to make ends meet, worked overtime, sold my stuff and gone without to take care of my kids. What a difference that money could have made.

I know it's a broken record, but I can't help but think that lone parents would need a lot less help from the state if NRP's had to step up and pay for their kids.

So out of curiosity, more than anything else, I'm wondering how much mumsnetters have had to make do without-- I'm betting it's a mind blowing amount.

If your ex should be paying and isn't, how much has he managed to dodge?

OP posts:
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5
Lweji · 12/07/2015 15:26

My child's mother has never paid any maintenance for my son to me. I don't think she's abusive.

You can think what you like, but unless she can't afford it, she is abusive.

drivenbyyou · 12/07/2015 15:33

Thousands, but I try not to think about it.

I dream of a name and shame paper/website/blog where their pictures and the amount they are owe are in glorious technicolour for new gf/wives/suckers to check before they get involved with these idiots...

drivenbyyou · 12/07/2015 15:34

Not particularly good grammar there, but you get the gist.

LindyHemming · 12/07/2015 15:46

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

TheFormidableMrsC · 12/07/2015 16:33

I dream of a name and shame paper/website/blog where their pictures and the amount they are owe are in glorious technicolour for new gf/wives/suckers to check before they get involved with these idiots

This is exactly what I plan to do in terms of my ex. OW can then spend her time doing damage limitation given her business is child based. She has facilitated and encouraged my ex's total abandonment. As long as her DS gets a new horse, it doesn't concern her Hmm

Lweji · 12/07/2015 16:39

I bet if it was mostly men who were left holding the baby then legislators would be tougher.

TheFormidableMrsC · 12/07/2015 16:51

Lweji absolutely! Can you imagine, a mother who abandons her child, fails to provide even basic financial support...you'd be hung out to dry. Men, it seems, can do it at will and keep on doing it over and over again...

HelenaDove · 12/07/2015 16:56

Surely the fact that if a man has more kids with a new partner he gets a reduction in child support that he has to pay......yet if a woman goes on to have a third child she now loses tax credits. Its blatant sex discrimination.

AskBasil · 12/07/2015 16:58

Exactly HelenaDove.

No one says to that bloke "sorry, you shouldn't have had a third child with your new woman if you can't afford to support your first 2 children to the same level."

They just make the first 2 children poorer.

One rule for tax credits, another for maintenance.

HelenaDove · 12/07/2015 17:00

"I also think women ( mothers and new girlfriends) need to take more responsibility for facilitating the man's behaviour."

I dont agree. It is making women responsible for mens behaviour. And it is precisely this mindset that makes it possible for sexist mysogynistic legislation to be thought of as fine and dandy.

AmeliaNeedsHelp · 12/07/2015 17:07

It should be considered child neglect.

If DSis stopped buying food and nappies for her DD then she'd be facing serious criminal charges. But her ex can just walk away with no repercussions.

It does seriously affect relationships. My dad never paid and I have never forgiven him for it. Swanning off to Disneyland with his new DC and leaving my stepdad to provide a home, food, uniforms etc for me and DSis. It's a long time ago now, but I actually won't ever be able to respect him as a man and don't think of him as my father.

Original poster
whothehellknows · 12/07/2015 17:19

I dream of a name and shame paper/website/blog where their pictures and the amount they are owe are in glorious technicolour for new gf/wives/suckers to check before they get involved with these idiots

Interesting... Is that do-able? If the info is factual, then it wouldn't be libel or slander, would it?

I don't suppose it could be a Mumsnet campaign, could it? It is parents, largely mums, affected by nonpayment of maintenence.

OP posts:
fedupbutfine · 12/07/2015 17:29

I dont agree. It is making women responsible for mens behaviour. And it is precisely this mindset that makes it possible for sexist mysogynistic legislation to be thought of as fine and dandy

so you would be happy to live with a man who didn't support his children? have children yourself with that same man? happy for your mother to stand by and watch your brother not support his children?

I agree with what you're saying at some level but until women stop buying into the 'she got the house and my pension and the children therefore I don't owe the bitch a penny' shite, we will just go round in circles. Way too many men just move onto the next 'wife', living the same life over and over. Women need to stand up for themselves in this respect and stop accepting the way we are treated collectively when relationships break down. I am not somehow 'bad' because my marriage broke down, because my husband left, because he hit me, because he doesn't pay maintenance....but because him leaving makes me a 'single mum' the blame is shifted over to me and he's just some poor chap who's been taken for every penny. He's a shit, an absolute shit, and no woman in their right mind should go anywhere near him. But they do...again and again and again and again...Don't pick at me, pick at him!

ThatIsNachoCheese · 12/07/2015 17:33

7k here. I won't ever let it slide, I will make them chase the fucker forever.

HelenaDove · 12/07/2015 18:10

fedupbutfine Dont put words in my mouth please. My DH is much older than me and paid full Child support to his ex without question because it was the right thing to do and he loved his kids.

And im not happy to have children at all Im childfree by choice!

I wouldnt continue to date a man if i found out he wasnt paying his CS.

If your ex decieved you about the sort of person who he really was what makes you think he couldnt do that again to someone else.

Original poster
whothehellknows · 12/07/2015 18:18

I think the above posts are exactly why it would be great to have a deadbeat website to name and shame the bastards. That way you could look before getting involved and find out whether a potential date has previous form for not paying for his kids.

Even mumsnet isn't immune from the single mum shame epidemic. How many times have I read, "And why did you chose to have children with this man?"

Umm... because he was a responsible, gainfully employed and compassionate guy when I married him? Didn't realize having kids would bring out the worst in him.

OP posts:
Original poster
whothehellknows · 12/07/2015 18:25

Ooh, I found one! It's facebook based and in the states, but no reason there couldn't be a similar group set up in the UK: Clickable Link

OP posts:
fedupbutfine · 12/07/2015 18:31

fedupbutfine Dont put words in my mouth please. My DH is much older than me and paid full Child support to his ex without question because it was the right thing to do and he loved his kids. And im not happy to have children at all Im childfree by choice!I wouldnt continue to date a man if i found out he wasnt paying his CS. If your ex decieved you about the sort of person who he really was what makes you think he couldnt do that again to someone else

?????

Treemuskears · 12/07/2015 18:39

'My child's mother has never paid any maintenance for my son to me. I don't think she's abusive.

You can think what you like, but unless she can't afford it, she is abusive.'

I don't think she is abusive.
I can afford to not need her money, and it makes the relationship nice and amicable. And she has more money and so doesn't have to struggle.

meglet · 12/07/2015 19:23

amelia yy to 'child neglect'.

Newbrummie · 12/07/2015 19:25

My ex is in Australia and they will deduct CS at source from day one they don't allow arrears, but of course you can still get around it by finding some desperate woman to feed and clothe and house you whilst you don't work and therefore don't pay a cent.

JodieMacdonald31 · 12/07/2015 19:30

My ex owes about 8k ish, he own his own house yet he's self employed on £100 per week Confused
Anyway after many years Csa are now starting the process of selling his house, there has been a charge on the house for about 4 years, so not a quick thing.
I'm still doubtful I'll ever see a penny from him.

Lweji · 12/07/2015 19:32

I can afford to not need her money, and it makes the relationship nice and amicable.

So you choose not to ask for the money, not that she doesn't pay?

Lweji · 12/07/2015 19:46

Actually, how many times a week do they sleep at her place?

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