To ask, how much are Mumsnetters owed in maintenence arrears?

[whothehellknows]

I know from previous threads that there are lots of us on MN with ExP's that do anything they can to avoid maintenence.

Last night in a fit of ire (because ExP who "can't afford to pay maintenence" told me about how he's looking to buy a fucking boat) I used the CMS calculator to double check how much he should have been paying all this time. In total, our kids have missed out on over £6000 in payments in two years. The number really shook me. I'm sitting here thinking how many times I've cried in desperation trying to make ends meet, worked overtime, sold my stuff and gone without to take care of my kids. What a difference that money could have made.

I know it's a broken record, but I can't help but think that lone parents would need a lot less help from the state if NRP's had to step up and pay for their kids.

So out of curiosity, more than anything else, I'm wondering how much mumsnetters have had to make do without-- I'm betting it's a mind blowing amount.

If your ex should be paying and isn't, how much has he managed to dodge?

3 years of nothing for ds ( after emptying £2k from the poor kid's bank...)
2 years of nothing for dd.

He left while I was pregnant with her. She has had one jumper from him. Ever.

Ds knows what xp has paid over the years (£20 for my petrol to meet him once)
Ds knows that we struggle (its ok mummy, beans and tots are my favourite!)
Ds feels guilty about our situation ( if I still had that money daddy took, I would buy you new tyres for the car )

Still, I am sure his new woman and mum are happy to waste all their savings supporting the lazy lump now.

Ds still can't understand how ex and ow can afford a hotel, meals out and ice creams... But not a pair of croc-copies (£3) for ds. On the same seaside trip...

I got ds a cheap mobile so he could keep in touch with xp. I think that lasted about 3 weeks before they both got bored.

As others have said, kids are smart enough to see what is going on.
Kids are the ones to choose your nursing home!
Resident parent is the one who gets the memories.

Toast even!

There needs to be a whole culture change around child support, like there was for drink driving and smoking in public places. Currently the NRP who ducks and dives his or her responsibilities gets a pat on the back and a grin for getting one over on the RP. It needs to be considered anti social, there needs to be a stigma attached to it.
The law needs to toughen up, asset seizures need to happen, no more claiming self employment and low earnings when you're driving round in an expensive car and living in a big house,
I honestly believe that NRP's should be done for child neglect if they fail to provide for their child, the same as the RP would be if they failed to provide for them.

I suppose it could look like the resident parents are spending the money on themselves... I haven't had a haircut in years because I don't have the time or money to spare. ("Gosh your hair is getting long!") But if ex was paying child support, then maybe I wouldn't be working every hour under the sun to pay bills... And I might be able to spend the odd tenner from my wages on a haircut instead of Girls Brigade subs.

That's the difference. All of my wages go on the kids and running the house. None of his do.

LaLyra That happened to us as well. Dad was supposed to pay X amount, which was taken off the benefits my mum got (because it was difficult back then to find childcare to take two school age children while you worked) - he didn't bother to pay, but nobody forced him, so we were left with 10p per week. Luckily grandparents stepped in at this point and basically gave us a credit card in their name to do food shopping with. There were no food banks.

Mum changed to a system where she got a set amount of benefits and whatever he paid went straight to the government/CSA to cover his arrears. She didn't see any of it, even if he paid over. Stupid. He's still in a grudge about that now because he felt that his money should go to us directly, but she felt so insecure about him paying it that she never changed back.

He is yet to give us directly anything at all. Would be useful now

£10k from 3.5 years of non payment.

It's ok though, he pays now, so I'm lucky!

It sounds like a lot of non-paying parents object to what they perceive as giving money to the ex-partner, rather than the children

This is EXACTLY my situation. He cut maintenance in half without warning, purely out of spite. Vile man. Yet he left us, lives the life of riley. One day my DS will know what an inadequate excuse for a human being his father is....

The non-paying NRP's are feckless bastards, who are wilfully neglecting their children. Just because the children involved are not left to suffer and are taken care of by the resident parent it makes those NRP no less criminally responsible than if they starved and neglected the the children they have financially abandoned.

I don't care if ex ends up in prison, he should. I've watched my DC run around in clothes too small for them because buying them new clothes was way down in list of priorities over other essential bills. After everything's said and done I will prusue him for the money he owes, it's my childrens right.

Hope he suffers hugely for his treatment of my children.

Oh, Lweji, if you're abroad it's actually better. The overseas agencies can usually enforce it from within the UK, whereas the CSA is so useless I know somebody who moved to France to avoid maintenance and they literally just gave up, didn't even try.

I'll have to check it, actually. But as it's under appeal (for the last two years...) not sure there will be any enforcement.

He is another one who emptied accounts and grabbed any money he could from joint accounts.

I am very lucky (or my DS is) that I do earn a fairly good salary and he doesn't have to go without, though.

Non payment of maintenance should routinely be referred to, as financial abuse, because that is what it is.

The idea that not paying maintenance is completely separate from other issues which are considered in contact arrangements, is a deliberate facilitation of financial abuse IMO.

My child's mother has never paid any maintenance for my son to me.

I don't think she's abusive.
I don't want her to go to prison.

She might not be, but most NRP non-payers are.

There are exceptions - people with terrible problems, mental health problems, long term illnesses, etc. - but mostly, they're just abusive. To abdicate all responsibility for caring for your own children (and that includes financial care) unless there is no other option, is pretty abusive.

I don't believe that 3/5 of NRP's are so peculiarly vulnerable, that they are genuinely unable to financially support their DC's. I think they're making a choice. And our government allows and facilitates that choice.

About £1,000. Got a jobhopper who tries to skip as many payments as he makes. Have learned to budget without his "help", and any rare payments are an exciting novelty (that goes into a saving account). As much as he should be paying towards our DD, I almost resent what he does pay (£10 a week) because it's ... is insulting the right word?.. it's nothing, it doesn't even cover a weeks school dinners when it DOES come in.

whothehellknows, you have my sympathy. I have a exp who is wealthy and yet still manages to dodge paying. there is nothing more anger inducing if he has a relationship with your dc, when they're older they'll see him for what he is. if they don't....They'll no doubt never want to know him. you are the dc superhero

Going on what I know to be exe's actual income £29000! What concerns me the most is how it would affect ds if he ever found out his dad is quite wealthy but never bothered to support him.
Thankfully he doesn't go without as I have lots of family support/free childcare allowing me to work.

My sisters ex has never paid a penny of maintenance. Either when in or out of work. Not even the paltry £5 a week when unemployed. DNephew is 12. He's been in work on and off over the years but has never offered anything. If we put in the calculator that he's never been employed, that's still at least £3000 that he owes. The real number is much more.

DP on the other hand, pays £120 every week. That doesn't include what he pays for school dinners, uniform, equipment etc. And that's despite the fact that we have DSD every weekend Friday afternoon to Sunday evening, unless her mum wants her for something. He strongly believes in supporting his daughter. Wish my nephews dad felt the same!

My ex found it very easy to get cash in hand work. All he had to do was mention his 'psycho gold-digging bitch ex' down the pub, and he'd be offered all sorts. All the while he was crying on my shoulder about his poor health and how wonderful I was for being understanding about how he couldn't financially contribute. I haven't even looked up how much he owes.

Sadly, and I do mean sadly, his chickens have come home to roost. DS has no relationship with him. Ex DP is such a stupid twat he saw no reason to adjust his behaviour once DS got older and now he can plainly see what a penny pinching miser his Dad is, and what his priorities are. (His idea of a day out with DS involves letting DS come along and watch him clothes shop. He threw a hissy fit last time because DS wanted an adult meal at McDs instead of a cheaper Happy Meal...)

Well! if Ds's father had planned on giving me £100 pcm, I guess I'm owed over £20k.

The thing about the psycho gold-digging ex is right. These guys can say it and everybody believes them because they're men. So they go on and do the same thing to other women and their kids.

But it's all ok, because the women "should have kept their legs closed". Puts me off the idea of having sex with men full stop. And men, full stop.

It sounds like a lot of non-paying parents object to what they perceive as giving money to the ex-partner, rather than the children. I don't know how you get round that.

I think many people do think this because maintenance payments are calculated on the basis of earnings, i.e. someone earning 20k does not pay as much as someone earning 100k. I don't know how else you would calculate a fair way of assessing contribution though.

I am only owed about £5K. But the cutting the money and paying me what he sees fit without any warning is just a continuation of his abuse he meted out while we were together.

CMO are meant to be chasing him, but nearly a year later I am still waiting to see results. But the cost of him not seeing his DC and the damage that has done I feel is worse than the lack of funds. Yes it is his loss, but I am left picking up the pieces of the emotional fallout and hurt caused by his actions - and there is no price I can put on that.

Meanwhile him and the OW and new child - living it up and so proud of what they have got. I hope it blooming well chokes them.

I agree this behaviour needs to be regarded as anti social. Someone I know does this and as a result, i won't allow him in my house. Everyone else pretty much thinks I'm over reacting, but I just can't understand how men ( and it is men in my experience) can do this.

I also think women ( mothers and new girlfriends) need to take more responsibility for facilitating the man's behaviour.

My friends H walked out on her just before Xmas when she had a 2 year old and pregnant. His mother had the OW round for Xmas dinner 2 weeks later. Much as I love my DS there's no way I'd be entertaining his mistress while his pregnant wife was elsewhere

Fucking hell. I am so angry on all of your behalfs. How can the Tory party stand up and deliver the budget they just have with no attempt to tackle this.