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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

See all MNHQ comments on this thread

Original poster

To ask, how much are Mumsnetters owed in maintenence arrears?

517 replies

whothehellknows · 11/07/2015 14:19

I know from previous threads that there are lots of us on MN with ExP's that do anything they can to avoid maintenence.

Last night in a fit of ire (because ExP who "can't afford to pay maintenence" told me about how he's looking to buy a fucking boat) I used the CMS calculator to double check how much he should have been paying all this time. In total, our kids have missed out on over £6000 in payments in two years. The number really shook me. I'm sitting here thinking how many times I've cried in desperation trying to make ends meet, worked overtime, sold my stuff and gone without to take care of my kids. What a difference that money could have made.

I know it's a broken record, but I can't help but think that lone parents would need a lot less help from the state if NRP's had to step up and pay for their kids.

So out of curiosity, more than anything else, I'm wondering how much mumsnetters have had to make do without-- I'm betting it's a mind blowing amount.

If your ex should be paying and isn't, how much has he managed to dodge?

OP posts:
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Athenaviolet · 22/07/2015 19:51

13

Stormtreader · 23/07/2015 16:42

The problem with mentioning numbers, arrears or "make them pay" is that they can use it to protest that their evil ex is all about gold digging and taking "their hard earned money".

Id imagine youd have much more success if you made it about the fact that they are abandoning their children to starve or be evicted, this is supposed to be for their children. Maybe something like #HelpUsDaddy or #DontForgetMeDaddy would have more public sharing appeal?

howtorebuild · 23/07/2015 18:34

I have asked questions about this issue in tomorrow's YC webchat.

Treemuskears · 23/07/2015 19:09

I've just read some of that separateddads website.

Looks ok to me. Just a different side to things, unless all fathers are feckless and all mothers are wonderful. There must be some crossover.

textfan · 24/07/2015 01:47

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Athenaviolet · 24/07/2015 09:28

Is it worth it though?

First he'll deny parentage (DC is spitting image of him, his other DC, his DPs and his DSIS). I'm not sure how all that will work out- court/DNA? Who pays etc?

Secondly he's probably been lying to his friends/family/new wife for years so he'll say awful things about me to make me look bad. He lives far away and we don't have any acquaint envies in common but I don't want my name/reputation trashed.

Thirdly he's self employed so could doctor his accounts to pay as little as possible. He was always obsessionaly tight (big reason for break up) so won't give a penny more than he's forced to. So maybe they'll say he owes nothing and all the stress is pointless?

Lastly what about the impact on DS? Will this seem like a rejection? He knows his first name and saw a photo years ago but knows nothing else (except existence of new half sibling). I don't want him to get hurt. Also I do t want this to trigger contact with someone who hates me, treated me so badly and who would definitely try to turn DC against me as revenge. He's a nasty little man. I know in theory maintenance has nothing to do with contact but I've been wary of taking the risk. DC is old enough that contact couldn't be forced on him but he's curious enough to want to meet him.

Reubs15 · 31/07/2015 07:53

Had a one off £80 payment since my son was born and I'll probably never get anything else. He said he never wants to meet him or see any photos (I suspect because he's ashamed) It's me and my partner who get all the special memories though Smile All this info (without the names) should be made public! Show the world what children miss out on as nobody seems to care! Xx

howtorebuild · 31/07/2015 12:12

That's the thing, nobody cares.

butterflygirl15 · 31/07/2015 12:50

They don't care. Child Maintenance have buggered me around for months now. No reply from ex so doing attachment to earnings. But then that wasn't even done when they promised and now they have told him to set up a standing order. But of course he won't do that, so it just buys him more time. I have called CMO so many times and I get nowhere.

I can't do it any more, it is just too upsetting and frustrating. It almost seems their inept way of managing cases facilitates these men to shirk their responsibilities. I feel like just cancelling the case - but why should I? The stress, hassle and upset of claiming is one of the worst things I have ever had to endure. I just want to put dinner on the table and lead a quiet life away from him. But this dragged out case is just bringing up emotions and upset from long ago and I just want to forget about it. He was an abuser while I was with him and now it feels that him ignoring them, not paying what he should and generally dragging out the case is just him continuing to be a controlling arse. And yep, I have issues. Which is why I asked them to handle the case for me in a professional manner on my behalf. They are certainly charging enough.

Stormtreader · 31/07/2015 14:06

A standing order? so he can cancel or change the amount whenever he wants? That cant be the approved system, can it? Shock

butterflygirl15 · 31/07/2015 14:28

I have no idea!! I am glad you are indignant about it, as I am just ever so slightly incredulous about the whole system tbh.

HelenaDove · 31/07/2015 14:36

I caught up with the webchats. Nobody seems to give a shit.

How much are CMO charging you butterfly.

butterflygirl15 · 31/07/2015 14:45

4% of any money they get for me - well so far it is nowt! They are going to be charging him 20% and there was a £20 fee to start the case, but they waived that due to my evidence of his abuse. I dunno how much longer it will be until some money actually appears to incur such charges though!

Tbh this has gone beyond about being about money. I almost feel like cancelling it, but why should I. There is a legal requirement for him to pay. He refuses to see his DC and thinks he can decide whether he pays or not now. I didn't realise that being a parent was optional. It his is loss though, of that much I am sure.

HelenaDove · 31/07/2015 14:54

Seems to me its only optional if you have a penis.

JodieMacdonald31 · 07/08/2015 23:02

Thought I'd update. Csa took my ex to court with a liability order last week again He stood in court and said "I don't have to pay, I have him (my son) 3 days every week" in actual fact, he saw him in passing 6 years ago when he was 3!! The court accepted this. Absolutely fuming!!

HelenaDove · 07/08/2015 23:10

So basically the courts believed him without question ...........because hes male im guessing.

JodieMacdonald31 · 08/08/2015 22:54

Yep id assume so Angry didn't even query it with me, I was just informed after. I honestly thought he'd pulled every trick in the book to avoid payment. Until now.

howtorebuild · 09/08/2015 07:54

Appeal

JodieMacdonald31 · 09/08/2015 14:46

I am in the process, probably a long 1 Sad

Evilwater · 09/08/2015 15:10

This is my problem too, it's proving everything! I feel because I'm the woman I HAVE to prove everything.

Ex is self employed, his accountant is his sisterAngry Hmm I know he is cooking the books for the tax man. I have a txt asking me to use his DS as a tax break. Angry in fact he's asked me this twice all so he dosnt pay maintance to me. Angry he even asked why not, as surly I need the money. Then he said he'd give to his son Hmm
If I go by what he says he earns on all the dating websites I'm out by thousands, but if I go to the CSA he'll say he's piss poor, and I'm sure his sister will hide his the money.

JodieMacdonald31 · 09/08/2015 21:24

It's a nightmare!! My ex is the same, self employed. I even went down the line of reporting him for cookin his books (earning less than his mortgage, never mind living expenses) but still no joy. I hate to say it... But I think when self employed they can just avoid paying/parental responsibility Sad

Errrmm · 09/08/2015 22:35

I am owed around £6k I can't think about it as it gives me the rage. Csa have sent bailiffs, they couldn't take goods as they apparently arent his couldn't take his car as it wasn't in his name. Csa dipped into ex's bank account they took and sent me £8.40 3yrs ago. Nothing since. He doesn't claim benefits and doesn't work but yet no one is asking how he is managing to live!!! He drives a flash car has been abroad 3times this year already.

Csa have now passed my case to CMO my 2 choices now are pay the CMO to try and claim maintenance or ask ex ( who has been in jail for harassment and threats to kill towards me) for maintenance myself. The whole process stinks. It's has cost CSA more money to send me letters telling me that my dc are entitled to nothing as ex isn't earning than I have ever received.

MummyPig24 · 10/08/2015 07:17

Around £3,000 in 3 years. He paid a pittance anyway.

JodieMacdonald31 · 10/08/2015 07:25

I think the new rules are, you don't have to pay to set up a new claim if he was abusive to you

JodieMacdonald31 · 15/08/2015 20:49

Another update... Sorry, all seems to happen at once after years of nothing.

Got £65 in the bank yesterday from ex/Csa
Called them up, they say "he's paying £45 pcm regular payments and £20 pcm off the debt" (wonder how long this will last)
I should add he has a daughter with another woman he pays for through Csa aswell.
So I'm told I'm due 10%

But my question is, he's 30, self employed declaring about £100 per week, but I'm pretty sure he's claiming working tax credits as a top up, should his working tax credits be counted as income before Csa take the 10% to pass on to me??