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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

See all MNHQ comments on this thread

Original poster

To ask, how much are Mumsnetters owed in maintenence arrears?

517 replies

whothehellknows · 11/07/2015 14:19

I know from previous threads that there are lots of us on MN with ExP's that do anything they can to avoid maintenence.

Last night in a fit of ire (because ExP who "can't afford to pay maintenence" told me about how he's looking to buy a fucking boat) I used the CMS calculator to double check how much he should have been paying all this time. In total, our kids have missed out on over £6000 in payments in two years. The number really shook me. I'm sitting here thinking how many times I've cried in desperation trying to make ends meet, worked overtime, sold my stuff and gone without to take care of my kids. What a difference that money could have made.

I know it's a broken record, but I can't help but think that lone parents would need a lot less help from the state if NRP's had to step up and pay for their kids.

So out of curiosity, more than anything else, I'm wondering how much mumsnetters have had to make do without-- I'm betting it's a mind blowing amount.

If your ex should be paying and isn't, how much has he managed to dodge?

OP posts:
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TheFormidableMrsC · 17/07/2015 12:45

Brilliant news from MNHQ! I must get on and contact my journalistic contact, have been otherwise occupied with my hideous divorce shit.

Bogey...good news...hopefully!

WallyBantersJunkBox · 17/07/2015 17:11

Yes some realistic press would be winning wouldn't it?

I rather feel we are all tarred with the Jeremy Vile and Daily Fail brush, as feckless layabouts lying around with our legs open waiting for handouts, spending all the money on X-boxes and sending the kids to the shop for fags.

When everyone is really a victim of circumstance and these stereotypes are virtually non existent.

TheFormidableMrsC · 17/07/2015 20:21

Very well said Wally...I can't bear it. I am SO angry I have been put in the position to be tarred with that brush...I can't even tell my Dad. It's just awful. Whatever it takes, my ex will be held responsible...he really ought to start realising that...!

Original poster
whothehellknows · 17/07/2015 21:04

Exactly. It's not as though any of us decided it would be fun to have one or more kids and do all of the work with none of the support. We're not in this position because it's what we wanted to be when we grew up.

With few exceptions, we've all tried to bring a child into a loving relationship. Many of us were betrayed through infidelity or abuse. Some of us were abandoned and some had to leave to protect our children and give them half a chance at life. We have to work twice as hard for half the reward because we put our children first and ourselves last every single time.

And our consolation prize is scorn and derision in the media and society's assumption that we've brought it on ourselves. Probably because we have a vagina.

It's about time that all of these strong, wronged, and selfless women had a voice.

OP posts:
howtorebuild · 17/07/2015 21:45

Bravo.

Lweji · 17/07/2015 21:52

Instead of talking of single mums, it should really be talked about single parent families, or even one parent at home children.
Because the focus for the campaign should be the children. They are having to rely on one income, one time, one person.

TheCommander · 17/07/2015 23:38

I think the negative stereotype of single parenthood affects only the mothers. Dads that stay in touch as seen as heroes.

I remeber well intended people who often offered to babysit for exh or have DS overnight so exH could have a rest or go out with his friends. He used to see DS one-single-night-a-week.

TheCommander · 17/07/2015 23:45

I think a campaign to clear the name of single mothers would probably lead to sympathy which eventually lead to more support, not only for single mums but for single dads too.

Having said that, doing a campaign pro the children of lone parents, may only strenghten the negative stereotype that children of separated parents have a rubbish life.

Lweji · 17/07/2015 23:53

Not a shit life, but that children of parents who can't be arsed to support them or see them could have a much better life.

As in

"Why don't you pay for your child's food? - their mum and the state have to"
"Why don't you see your child? Don't they matter to you?"
Or: "If your child had to live on what you contribute towards their keep"

Bogeyface · 17/07/2015 23:53

Lone Parented Children? Would that work?

I agree that the focus should be on the children with a secondary campaign for single parents alongside.

Perhaps part of it could be that NRP are NOT "giving money to my bitch/bastard ex" it is money to support their children!

MaggieJoyBlunt · 17/07/2015 23:55

COLPs

textfan · 17/07/2015 23:57

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

butterflygirl15 · 17/07/2015 23:57

I think children of lone parents are treated like they are disadvantaged, and this often sets them apart from others which is extremely unfair.

TheCommander · 18/07/2015 07:56

Exactly, my child takes already enough rubbish for being a child of a single mother, I don't want to add to him the stereotype that "we are always poor", we are not, well I am, but I really would like my son and myself to be seen to be seen in a more dignified position than as the absolute victim of my exh's greed,

I think the campaign, if there is ever one (can't get much sympathy if people continue to see us as as irresponsible people) should be not about our children but about the non paying parent's reproachable behaviour: The bottom line is that a parents that don't pay CM are robbing their children, whatever the circumstances the nrp or the pwc are in.

WallyBantersJunkBox · 18/07/2015 09:01

Spot on post TheCommander.

We are sat here eating slightly out of date reduced stale croissants as a treat for breakfast, while DS runs excitedly through the list of new Blurays his dad has at the house.

Hmm

I can't help but mentally calculate how many weeks bread it would be. Sad

Original poster
whothehellknows · 18/07/2015 09:20

It's good that the thread is bringing in all the different angles to the issue.

I think that the children of these parents possibly are disadvantaged, but not in the way that society would expect. They may be poorer than their peers, but at the same time, their mums (or RP's) are working their asses off and going without to make sure they have what they need.

The hurt will come sooner or later when the child realizes the NRP isn't supporting them as he/she should. How the hell do you even begin to heal that?

OP posts:
WallyBantersJunkBox · 18/07/2015 09:28

That's what I was wondering earlier, and the consistent disappointment, lack of contact, and quality time with the RP.

Original poster
whothehellknows · 18/07/2015 10:42

And even in cases like mine with a "Disney Dad" who takes them out and does all the fun things on his weekend, sooner or later they'll realize that he should have been paying towards their upkeep. It won't feel good.

OP posts:
Floundering · 18/07/2015 10:54

"The hurt will come sooner or later when the child realizes the NRP isn't supporting them as he/she should. How the hell do you even begin to heal that?"

My DC are now 18 & 20. In the last year or so they have lost their rose tinted specs about their dad & although I never slag him off, now I don't hide the truth & it saddens me to see their pain.

Great that MNHQ are on it, bet a quick poll of MN towers along the lines of this thread would give you a shock!!

RedDaisyRed · 18/07/2015 10:56

Yes, the ultimate loss if the missing parent's relationship with his (or her) children as much as the money side.
If you want the state interested then you sell all this as how to ensure hard working tax payers are not burdened by the cost of paying additional tax credits to parents alone with children where the other parent is able to engineer things such as self employment, own company, not working whilst his new wife works, so he(or she) does not pay.

"Court orders for maintenance

The CMS deals with all new applications for child maintenance. However, a court can deal with new applications for child maintenance in some situations.

For example:

you can’t apply to the CMS because your ex-partner lives outside the UK
you have extra expenses which the CMS don’t take into account when making a maintenance calculation. For example, this would cover expenses to cover education or the extra costs of a child's disability
your ex-partner has a very high income and you want more maintenance than would be awarded under the CMS calculation.

You'll need expert advice about what to do if your partner lives outside the UK, and how to apply to court for maintenance.

Once a court order is in place, the court can force a parent to pay maintenance if they fail to pay what's been agreed in the order."
www.citizensadvice.org.uk/relationships/children-and-young-people/child-maintenance/child-maintenance-where-to-start/

Original poster
whothehellknows · 18/07/2015 11:02

Floundering, I did wonder that about MN towers. I bet there are stories there too.

OP posts:
Floundering · 18/07/2015 12:01

I agree we have to make it about the cost to the taxpayer of replacing the money that a feckless parent should pay.

Although it is also a feminist issue, and about attitudes to LP's , sadly that will cause some to glaze over .

If it is made to strike a chord with all taxpayers male AND female we might get somewhere and avoid the usual accusation of "bleating whinging females" my ExH's favourite line!

butterflygirl15 · 18/07/2015 12:31

I think the woeful inadequacies of the CMO/CMS are so bad that it makes you want to give up. I have waited months for progress - they keep telling me they will attach to earnings - but nothing happens. They still have it on record that I have received what they calculate (I haven't) I have sent every bit of evidence under the sun, called, messaged and complained to the rooftops. And what progress has been made - absolutely none.

I feel like giving up. They tell me oh sorry, your case should be resolved by now, we will do it now - but it blooming well isn't. And as time goes on the arrears rack up. I feel like giving up. It should not be such a battle to get what is a legal entitlement. Why should that be ok? I just think it should be automatically done.

Them writing him lots of letters and phoning him again, all of which are ignored, well what do I buy dinner with in the meantime? It feels like he is still in control and by ignoring them and not paying the legal minimum he is still being a controlling abuser. Maybe that is just me - but it is stressful enough without this added worry.

Maybe it will be resolved one day, who knows? But the not knowing, the not being able to plan, the waiting and prodding the CMO to get them to take action - bashing head against brick wall with bells on.

Lweji · 18/07/2015 14:40

Any campaign should address how cheating nrp are failing their children and society.
How they are just as bad as benefit cheats, tax dodgers and thieves.
How hypocritical it is of them to maintain a relationship with their children and fail to support them financially.
How they are effectively robbing their children and their mothers.

MaggieJoyBlunt · 18/07/2015 20:14

And often cheating HMRC too.