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AIBU?

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Original poster

BIL demanding I attend wedding without baby

325 replies

MadAngryGnome · 10/07/2015 13:02

So BIL is getting married soon and he and SIL-to-be (nice but bit of a bridezilla, very anxious about her big day) have just announced that they do not want any children at the wedding, babes in arms or not. Up until now, DH and I had been expecting we'd be bringing our DS, who is 9 weeks now but will be six months old at the wedding.

When BIL sat us down and said they didn't want DS there, we said fair enough, we totally understood them wanting an adults only wedding. However, we said this might mean I would only able to come along for the ceremony part as DS is BF and I wasn't sure if I'd feel comfortable leaving him for the whole day.

This has unleashed a bit of a torrent from BIL. He says it is obviously the most important day of their lives and it is very important to them both that I am there for the full day (don't know why, we're not especially close). He doesn't understand why I don't want to leave DS for ages having apparently already checked with FIL that breastfeeding mothers are technically able to leave their children. He's refusing to accept that I'm not up for coming for the whole thing and keeps saying that I'll change my mind nearer the time. I do totally get that some parents would be fine with leaving their 6mo for a day but I just don't think it'll work for us.

AIBU to think that they get to choose not to have children or babies at their wedding but then don't get to also make the choice that the mothers should be attending without their babies?

OP posts:
nottheOP · 10/07/2015 21:41

I've been disinvited for not being able to commit to leaving my 4 week old to attend a wedding but it is their choice.

I do understand why they expect that you should be able to leave a 6 month old. In reality plenty of mothers are back at work by then and the babies are left for significant periods of time. They survive and by 6 months established bfing won't be destroyed in a day.

I'm about to go on a hen do with two babies in attendance (one is 18 months, one is 7 months). They apparently can't be left. This just isn't true! They don't want to leave them, which is fine but can't is the wrong word!!

OhBigHairyBollocks · 10/07/2015 21:50

We had loads of kids at our wedding, they had a great time and so did we!

Be strong OP, don't give in!!

MrsKoala · 10/07/2015 21:53

My response would be, after saying outright no, lots of dismissive laughing, a hand wave and change the subject. If they keep going on I would do a very serious talk about a summons, unreasonable expectations, no fucking clue and shut the fuck up and don't mention this again.

When ds1 was 3mo we got the rudest invitation from one of dh's best mates (who incidentally very very rudely texted us 1hr before our wedding to say they had forgotten they actually had another wedding to attend that day so wouldn't be there. The fact they would have had to travel for 6 hrs to get to us, book trains and hotels, didn't seem to have occurred to them). It was an a4 instruction pamphlet (with photos of their bathroom and a 3 page typed begging letter about how much money they needed us to donate for their dream bathroom renovations).

The actual invitation said in bold block capitals 'if your child's name is not personally individually mentioned they are not ('not' was written in even bigger font) invited, this is non negotiable so don't ask'. Our would be on the date 6mo bf baby was NOT named on the invitation. It would have been 3 days and 2 nights away. When we declined they got the right arse ache and called dh saying they thought we'd be 'grateful of the break'. I don't know what they thought I was going to do about my boobs, or who was going to have this infant? They thought we were totally unreasonable and sadly the friendship has very much soured.

hibbledibble · 10/07/2015 21:56

Yanbu

You don't want to leave your baby, which is completely fine.

Your baby may well be a bottle refuser at that age too, so leaving them may not be a possibility.

Their behaviour would make me not want to go anyway

MissPenelopeLumawoo2 · 10/07/2015 22:04

It was an a4 instruction pamphlet (with photos of their bathroom and a 3 page typed begging letter about how much money they needed us to donate for their dream bathroom renovations).

Shock Bloody hell, I had a photo frame and some napkin rings on my wedding list! How the other half live!

SuiGeneris · 10/07/2015 22:07

YADNBU. He, on the other handy, is being VU. I am with you, would not have gone. What an idiot.

maddening · 10/07/2015 22:08

Of course it is their special day and the most important to them but is not the most important day in any other people's lives -perhaps their own parents but otherwise no - so if bil brings the importance off the day remind him of that - and whilst you will be there to celebrate the important bit - and maybe see if your do would babysit ds at home for a couple of hours so you can go to the evening do say 8-10. His own brother can stay and enjoy it but it is the price they pay for choosing no babes in arms.

lem73 · 10/07/2015 22:10

I bet when BIL has his own kids, he won't realise what a selfish twat he was. His dc's needs will be at the centre of everything and the whole family will have to accommodate him or her before anything else.

butterfly133 · 10/07/2015 22:16

They want cash and they are selling this idea with a poem?! They are not nice or they the ultimate wedding zillas!

I wouldn't bring up the "you don't have a baby so you don't get it". Some will happily leave their babies. The point is, he's an arse. Sorry if that sounds harsh. This really smacks of "you will do what I say for my wedding". such entitlement. Are they normally like this? Ido know lovely people who have gone all Jekyll and Hyde over weddings. Is there a viral infection that I don't know about?!

CalleighDoodle · 10/07/2015 22:20

Dear god what an arse. It is a conditional invite to their wedding. You dont like the conditions. Totally your right to not go.

I went to a wedding when my dd was 16 months old and wouldnt take a bottle. We were close enough to home that i left in between meal and evening to give her milk. Not essential for her at that age (apart from routine and comfort) but very essential for my boobs.

I went away for the weekend (one night) when my ds was 7 months old. He would have a bottle but my god by 10am the following morning my boobs were ready to explode.

DoJo · 10/07/2015 22:34

I agree with everyone saying that it's up to you what you do, but I really wouldn't bust out the 'when you have children you'll understand' line this Sunday. They might not want children, they might be unable to have children and they probably won't change if they do. They are in the wrong because they are being thoughtless and unwilling to compromise, not because they don't have children.

Aeroflotgirl · 10/07/2015 22:38

Ignore ignore ignore, your child is the most important thing here, not him. If you choose not to have kids at your wedding, you risk also people with children not being able to come, especially if they are babies who are breastfed. Do as you are doing, and ignore.

Aeroflotgirl · 10/07/2015 22:40

He sounds like an arse, make your decision and stand firmly beside it.

clam · 10/07/2015 23:05

Just say "Thanks for your thoughts, bil, but it's really not up for discussion."
The more reasons (or excuses to his mind) you give, the more 'solutions' he'll come up with.
"We've made our position clear. It's not up for discussion beyond..." Rumble's

  1. you won't come at all
  2. you'll come just for ceremony then go home, dh stays all day
  3. you and dh come all day and bring baby
Zebda · 10/07/2015 23:21

Everyone with any manners knows a no children wedding welcomes 'babes in arms'. OP your BIL/SIL are being very rude indeed.

We went to a no children wedding of a very dear friend a few weeks ago. Me and DH were delighted to leave our aged 7 and 4 DC with my parents and to make a weekend of it. I would have felt v v differently if id had a BF baby though!

During the vows one of the three babies present chose the 'speak now or forever hold your peace' moment to make some noise - cue much laughter from all present. It was lovely - one of the most natural and pleasant moments of the wedding....

Agree with all advice saying you should do what feels right. Don't get drawn into debate, what others think is irrelevant here, do what's right for you and DS

littlejohnnydory · 10/07/2015 23:30

How can a baby who is breastfed be left before they're taking much food, nottheop? If they've never had a bottle or cup of milk? Can see that the 18 month old could be left if her parents wanted to but possibly not the 7 month old. I certainly couldn't leave mine for a full day. I could probably leave her for a couple of hours if I wanted to but after that she would need to feed. She doesn't eat much in the way of solids yet (and no, she wouldn't if she was starving, she'd just get more and more distressed).

derxa · 10/07/2015 23:52

If BiL needs you so desperately that you must be there all day or he can't cope then maybe he can just Skype you for support whenever he gets desperate? Mid ceremony! Mid speech? You'll be there for him! He can even keep a pic of you in his pocket to hold if he needs to?
Grin
Poor BIL. I think he sounds quite sweet in a deranged sort of way. Fast forward to the actual time of the wedding. All sorts of things could have happened in the meantime including the whole wedding being called off.

Finallyonboard · 11/07/2015 08:46

I didn't go to a close friends wedding after she called me to ask if I'd managed to book a babysitter yet, two days after receiving her wedding invitation. My DC was a few weeks old. I sent a very expensive gift which they loved and we managed to stay friends.

BlueBlueSea · 11/07/2015 09:12

My first wedding was no children. I worked out that if all my family and friends brought their kids I would have over 40 there. I did have a slight fallng out with mil as she wanted DH's cousins to be able to bring theirs, I come from a big family and my cousins would have been 20, so I put my foot down.

A few friends/cousins did not come, a couple brought babies - no idea how old, and a couple ignored me and brought their kids. It was all fine.

On the day if you do slip off after the ceremony probably will not even notice.

summerainbow · 11/07/2015 09:23

Tomorrow I dare you take your breast pump and start pumping all though Sunday lunch.

Original poster
MadAngryGnome · 11/07/2015 09:28

Well, this morning DH got a long carefully-written text from BIL - they accept me and DS not going (finally!! I think lovely MIL tore him a new one) but have now suggested there could be a 'staging post' where I could leave DS with SIL-to-be's family... who he's never met. More of their most important day/biggest thing they've ever done crap too.

I'm not even giving him reasons and he's still coming up with unwanted solutions!

I am cross. We've said stop pressuring me to come alone and that BIL asking this in the first place wasn't on. Apparently he can't be held responsible for how he came across yesterday because it was a hard conversation to have!!

Ahhh I'm getting stressed and DS is picking up on the atmosphere unsurprisingly and is all unsettled. I've sacked off the Sunday dinner. Can I just let DH and BIL sort it out themselves at this point!?!?

OP posts:
mamas12 · 11/07/2015 09:34

I don't know what you have said to explain to him but I think in words of one syllable you need to spell out the biological physical and emotional effects of what he is proposing and go back to him choosing one if you're options
He diesnt have a clue so fill him in with pictures if necessary
Also get you Dh ti explain stress and milk supply which he is cussing right now to his nephew

mummytime · 11/07/2015 09:34

Yes!
Just make sure your DH knows your point of view and cannot commit you to anything.
Have a nice day with your DS.

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 11/07/2015 09:41

Absolutely, leave them to it.

He obviously doesn't understand, why would he, but he needs to ACCEPT your decision and let it go now.

Tell your DH to tell him that if he doesn't stop with the bloody badgering then you'll not go to ANY of the wedding at all.

HemanOrSheRa · 11/07/2015 10:15

Well, he hasn't accepted you and DS not going if he's come up with the idea of a 'staging post'! Surely that's the same thing as your parents hanging around unseen?!

I wonder if they are having problems with other people turning down their invitations due to the No Children rule? Otherwise why on earth are they so bothered by you not going for the whole day?

My DP's brother got married a few years ago and had the No Kids rule. Fair enough. DS about 4 though so not quite the same. But the wedding was in a different part of the country so it meant an overnight stay and a lot of travelling (and expense). DP comes from a massive Irish family and there are dozens of children so it caused inconvenience to everyone. I decided not go to as most of the people who I would have trusted to leave DS with were going to the wedding. I could have asked my Dad but I refused to have babysitting time dictated to me.

As the wedding approached it turned out that a lot of family members were pissed off at the whole thing and only going because they felt they should. I was so pleased to not be involved in those discussions!

Let DH sort it out with his brother, OP.