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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

BIL demanding I attend wedding without baby

325 replies

MadAngryGnome · 10/07/2015 13:02

So BIL is getting married soon and he and SIL-to-be (nice but bit of a bridezilla, very anxious about her big day) have just announced that they do not want any children at the wedding, babes in arms or not. Up until now, DH and I had been expecting we'd be bringing our DS, who is 9 weeks now but will be six months old at the wedding.

When BIL sat us down and said they didn't want DS there, we said fair enough, we totally understood them wanting an adults only wedding. However, we said this might mean I would only able to come along for the ceremony part as DS is BF and I wasn't sure if I'd feel comfortable leaving him for the whole day.

This has unleashed a bit of a torrent from BIL. He says it is obviously the most important day of their lives and it is very important to them both that I am there for the full day (don't know why, we're not especially close). He doesn't understand why I don't want to leave DS for ages having apparently already checked with FIL that breastfeeding mothers are technically able to leave their children. He's refusing to accept that I'm not up for coming for the whole thing and keeps saying that I'll change my mind nearer the time. I do totally get that some parents would be fine with leaving their 6mo for a day but I just don't think it'll work for us.

AIBU to think that they get to choose not to have children or babies at their wedding but then don't get to also make the choice that the mothers should be attending without their babies?

OP posts:
KingJoffreyLikesJaffaCakes · 10/07/2015 13:16

I'd sack the whole thing off.

They sound tedious and you've already said that you're not that close.

Stay home with your baby.

WinterOfOurDiscountTents15 · 10/07/2015 13:16

it might three, please dont tell anyone what exactly will happen to them base. on your own experience. Lots of people can pump easily and lors of babies take a bottle easily. OP may or not find it simple, and may or may not want to try it, but your post is as unhelpful as one that tells her she can def do it with no problems.

FraggleHair · 10/07/2015 13:18

I'd make a point of not going at this stage.

Nolim · 10/07/2015 13:19

Yanbu. They are.

Lottapianos · 10/07/2015 13:24

Ok, I am the first to stick up to people who want childfree weddings, and it is absolutely their right to choose to have one. However, he is being utterly ridiculous in demanding that you go. He doesn't get to do that - you're not 8 years old and he is not your dad. An invitation is just that - not a summons. I would be especially furious at being told I would probably change my mind nearer the time - who does he think he is???

Suit yourself 100% on this one OP.

Seriouslyffs · 10/07/2015 13:26

I left my 6 month old exclusively breastfed DS at home.
But •it was overseas, I flew home for my oldest friend's wedding for a night.
•dd1 was a bridesmaid and I wanted to concentrate on her.
•it was agony! I overslept that morning and DS didn't have a feed. I was ready to grab any passing suckling mammal by tea time.
Your bil is a twunt.

AlpacaPicnic · 10/07/2015 13:26

Several points here...

A - your brother in law is a twat.
B - LazyLouLous idea sounds great, whine about how mean he is making you abandon your baby alllll daaaaaay
C - You're an adult. Hell, you're a Mother. BIL can demand all he likes... short of marching you at gunpoint, he can't force you to attend.
D - I'd smuggle your baby in to the ceremony in a giant handbag, then whip him out at the earliest opportunity to upstage BIL. Might i suggest baby wears an adorable little tuxedo printed babygrow, and makes his appearance during the brides walk-up-the-aisle?

Original poster
MadAngryGnome · 10/07/2015 13:27

Thanks everyone. It's good to hear the consensus is I'm not being unreasonable after a full day of it from BIL.

FIL is definitely not a BF oracle Grin He is a massive peacekeeper, hates that people aren't getting along and has suggested all sitting down to talk it through with him mediating. Hmm

Tbh I'm tempted just to not go at all after all this. I don't feel especially welcome, despite all this 'most important day' stuff they keep saying.

I think DH's family have been surprised by BIL and SIL-to-be's stance on this and might actually be pressuring him not to take such a hard line on it. What do I do on the (very small) off chance SIL backs down BIL changes his mind and suddenly invites me and DS?? Like I say, I don't really want to go now but feel like I might be being a bit petty.

OP posts:
Mintyy · 10/07/2015 13:29

Grin at any passing suckling mammal!

CarlaJones · 10/07/2015 13:31

it is totally the mother's choice how long she wants to leave her baby for and not up to anyone else to dictate. Yanbu

CarlaJones · 10/07/2015 13:32

and I agree ge sounds like a right groomzilla

Hissy · 10/07/2015 13:34

it is obviously the most important day of their lives

THEIR lives

They need to realise that nobody but nobody gives the shiniest of shiny shits about their big day if they DEMAND you leave a baby out of it.

And A FAMILY baby too.

For his strop ALONE I would tell him I wasn't going. I'd also expect your DH to back you up and tell him that if his baby isn't welcome, and by extension his wife then he too will rethink his attendance.

I'm a stubborn bugger too, so no regardless of invite, the occasion has been marred, i'd not go even if he sent cinda-bleeding-ella's carriage for me.

i give their marriage 3 years. tops

GobblersKnob · 10/07/2015 13:36

At six moths dd was still exclusively breast fed and would unleash a torrent of hell if you tried to put anything but a boob in her mouth to feed her, she never gave a single bottle the time of day.

So I actually couldn't have left her. Obviously hoping this doesn't happen to you, can be a bit of a bind, but at 9 weeks there is no way of knowing.

Plus BIL is clearly a dick. Personally I would just nod and smile (but not actually say anything committal), then when the time comes after the ceremony and you need to leave, just fuck off home.

Rosieliveson · 10/07/2015 13:38

I always think it's a shame when children aren't invited to a family wedding. It's often the only time that extended families get together and get to see the newest family members. I'm sure they will feel similarly if they have children of their own in the future.
For now, explain that you are unsure how it will be with your DC but aren't sure you will be ready or able to leave him. If they want to insist, let them insist. No one can force you to leave your baby and go anywhere! Nearer the time you can either accept or decline the invitation. They will get over it!

Viviennemary · 10/07/2015 13:38

It's their right to ban babies and your right not to go. As if a six month old is going to cause a riot and behave badly.

Scoobydoo8 · 10/07/2015 13:39

Sounds like no one on this thread has organized a wedding - even the most calm / reasonable/ considerate individual gets a weeeee bit touchy at wedding plan making.

I would say that DBIL is a bit wound up about it all, who knows why and who cares.

I would just agree with what they want. Then do 'whatever' because, as we know, on the big day they won't have time to give a monkeys or notice what you are anyone else is doing - or if your even there.

So cut them some slack and do what suits you without any more discussion.

Larrytheleprechaun · 10/07/2015 13:39

I am a bit baffled over why he is so insistent on you going - hardly any skin off his nose if you dont. His brother is going to be there, that should be enough for him.

I presume he has no kids - he is in for a big shock when he has some.

YANBU. Your BIL is. He is also an arsehole.

ZenNudist · 10/07/2015 13:39

You just know that when they have dc they're going to be centre of the universe right? Wink

I like to think people having child free weddings feel bad about it once they have dc of their own.

I'm all for child free weddings but if it's not practical then they have to accept that you can't go.

I can't see what the objection is to a tiny family baby. Perhaps they don't want to be upstaged!

Greenrememberedhills · 10/07/2015 13:39

There isn't a need for mediation. I would be clear with him: he has every right to make choices about his own wedding, and you have every right to make choices about leaving your child. You have suggested a compromise- to go for a short while. There isn't a need for further discussion, as you'll just get bullied to shift further.

Goldmandra · 10/07/2015 13:41

I would tell FIL that there is no point in him trying to mediate because being free to decide how long to leave your own baby is non-negotiable.

BIL and SIL can choose from the options available:

1 You bring your DS to the reception

2 You decide right now not to attend the reception so they can offer the place to someone else.

3 They leave it up to you to decide whether you feel comfortable leaving him nearer the time but agree now that they will accept your decision without a fuss.

If FIL wants to broker an agreement, he can take those options to them and help them choose. He doesn't get to come back and put pressure on you to compromise any further.

Skiptonlass · 10/07/2015 13:41

What a twit. He's not unreasonable to ask for no children (his wedding his choice) but he has to accept that means some people won't come !

We asked for no kids but made exceptions for babes in arms (the venue was gorgeous but effectively a death trap for toddlers.)

We accepted that meant that some people couldn't come, no one got arsey about it and a good time was had by all.

Honestly, weddings just bring out the worst in people.

Pootles2010 · 10/07/2015 13:41

It is totally up to you, obviously. However, baby is only 9 weeks now, and you might feel differently at 6 months. I also wouldn't want to commit myself at 9 weeks to still being exclusively bfing at 6 months - you don't want that getting thrown back in your face!

So in your shoes, I'd smile vaguely, and say 'perhaps!' or something equally non-commital. So long as he understand you may not be coming, you don't have to decide yet.

He's being a bit of a plonker, but planning a wedding is pretty stressful, so I'd go easy on him.

Icimoi · 10/07/2015 13:43

Is FiL's idea of mediating and avoiding arguments seriously that it involves pontificating to BiL on breastfeeding when he (Fil) clearly knows eff all about it? If so, he needs to brush up on what mediation actually means.

Till then, he needs to tell BiL that he was talking bollox and it's totally up to you how you deal with your child, and that you're entitled to put your child's welfare before BiL's wedding.

Raasay · 10/07/2015 13:43

BIL and SIL are going to look back on this one day and blush with embarrassment.

tell him in great detail how your breasts will leak all day...

PeterParkerSays · 10/07/2015 13:44

I would be concerned now about attending at all in case the B&G find some way to ensure you have to stay for the whole day. Is the wedding at a church, and you would go to the Reception (if you did go) in your own car? If the whole event is in a hotel or you are going in a formal car from someone's house be concerned that their need to dictate who attends their wedding may result in them dragging you off for photos / canapés / drinks when you want to leave to get back to your baby.

Explain clearly that you will be leaving after the ceremony or you will not be attending at all. Repeat as required.