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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

BIL demanding I attend wedding without baby

325 replies

MadAngryGnome · 10/07/2015 13:02

So BIL is getting married soon and he and SIL-to-be (nice but bit of a bridezilla, very anxious about her big day) have just announced that they do not want any children at the wedding, babes in arms or not. Up until now, DH and I had been expecting we'd be bringing our DS, who is 9 weeks now but will be six months old at the wedding.

When BIL sat us down and said they didn't want DS there, we said fair enough, we totally understood them wanting an adults only wedding. However, we said this might mean I would only able to come along for the ceremony part as DS is BF and I wasn't sure if I'd feel comfortable leaving him for the whole day.

This has unleashed a bit of a torrent from BIL. He says it is obviously the most important day of their lives and it is very important to them both that I am there for the full day (don't know why, we're not especially close). He doesn't understand why I don't want to leave DS for ages having apparently already checked with FIL that breastfeeding mothers are technically able to leave their children. He's refusing to accept that I'm not up for coming for the whole thing and keeps saying that I'll change my mind nearer the time. I do totally get that some parents would be fine with leaving their 6mo for a day but I just don't think it'll work for us.

AIBU to think that they get to choose not to have children or babies at their wedding but then don't get to also make the choice that the mothers should be attending without their babies?

OP posts:
Bunbaker · 12/07/2015 08:38

"Also, to everyone saying they don't understand child-free weddings, I have just done a loose guest list for my wedding. 70 adults for the day, if I let everyone bring their children then it would be an extra 24 just from friends"

I think it is because a) I got married before any of my friends had children b) We only invited mostly family. I think I only invited a handful of friends.

In OH's family and my family weddings tend to be just family affairs rather than big bashes with loads of friends anyway, so I do think it is odd not to have children because I wouldn't have told family that it was adults only.

diddl · 12/07/2015 08:55

I'm sure that I was pretty clueless before I had kids.

I didn't get the just not wanting to leave a young baby & would probably have inwardly rolled my eyesBlush

What I didn't do was make obvious suggestions as if parents were too thick to think for themslves!

Radiatorvalves · 12/07/2015 09:04

I can't wait for the update!

When DS1 was tiny, I think about 10 weeks, I went to a wedding and left him with a very close friend who was good with babies. He was fine, and happy with expressed milk.

I was looking forward to the wedding, but hadn't thought things through re the boobs. The first half was fine. And then the pain....I NEVER knew you could leak like that! Oh I was naive... And from your BILs perspective, having a wet tshirt competition at the wedding might not be quite the looks he and SIL are intending. Grin.

MuffMuffTweetAndDave · 12/07/2015 09:37

I really need OP to rethink sacking off this afternoon's dinner. Go OP, pretty please, and report back immediately!

reni1 · 12/07/2015 09:46

Unless the do is a drug fuelled swinger party, I don't see why children couldn't attend. If people worry about numbers, why not go the while hog and invite without partners? Their right to a baby free wedding, make sure to remind them if they become parents. I know a few people who banned children at their wedding and are outraged if they get invites without babes now.

Rodcocker · 12/07/2015 10:25

They will feel stupid if they ever have kids (feel sorry for the kid already!)

Sleepybeanbump · 12/07/2015 10:34

Yanbu and bil is a twunt.

Yes, it's their right to have child free wedding, but that means some people can't / won't come. Are they stupid? Obviously that was going to happen. Personally I also feel child free weddings are tedious, overly stagey affairs. I'm not a big wedding person and had a tiny one myself, but surely the point of big weddings is the lovely lively mix of generations? It's all so clinical otherwise.

Anyway, unless you really want to go, just use his twuntish behaviour as an excuse not to go at all. Yes, technically you probably COULD leave ds without any catastrophic consequences, but why should you if you don't want to?? Not to mention the pumping or discomfort issue. Ridiculous selfish man.

Sleepybeanbump · 12/07/2015 10:42

Also agree with whoever said the whole 'biggest day of our lives' thing is usually said by v dull people.

My wedding day wasn't especially a big deal to me- I'm an awful and reluctant hostess so it was a lot of stress, and I'm not very showy or romantic. But the first few days of our honeymoon? Amaaazing. Several times a day just thinking 'we're married' and it being the most amazing feeling. I felt like our wedding day was just a beginning, a place marker, not so much a day for its own sake.

Also, to not have the self awareness to realise that even if it is the biggest day of your life, it's not for anyone else makes you really dumb.

And GrinGrin at 'any passing suckling mammal'.

ems1910 · 12/07/2015 12:05

Bunbaker Yes, if I had got married ten years ago then I would habe nowhere near as many children to think about. I don't get offended or mind when I get invited without my children either. I don't want it completely child-free, but adding all the family children and friends (who I will invite over some family considering some family I never see) wous add over 50 guests :/

Our other idea is to say bring them, have the service, have no sit down meal, just a hog roast/bbq and go straight into the reception. Would help others who have no childcare and cause no bad feeling.

Original poster
MadAngryGnome · 12/07/2015 13:08

I'm back! Thanks for all the replies, DH and I have been reading them all together.

Update: DH went to family lunch today, I didn't bother. I was cross, baby was stressed, it was all too much. BIL was apparently silent all lunch. We reckon MIL had another go at him for being a twat before DH got there. Topic was not mentioned at all over lunch.

As DH was leaving, BIL collared him briefly and APOLOGISED! He said that the venue just isn't suitable for babies as there's a lake and there will also be loud music (a band) in the evening part. They don't want a specific toddler to be there who annoys SIL-to-be in case he ruins the day for them and don't want to have any exceptions but that he accepts now that he was asking too much for me to come alone and to say sorry to me. They are however going to still kindly keep my seat for me for the wedding dinner (I'm guessing so my empty seat on the day looks like I've been unreasonable and refused to turn up).

DH is now happy with BIL. I'm glad the pressure on me to come alone has stopped but I still feel a bit pissed off about the whole thing and how much of an arse BIL has been with this.

Right so second AIBU of the thread!! Tell me if I'm being precious. I'm going to have to be around BIL and SIL-to-be at lots of family things soon, birthdays etc. AIBU to think that after all this upset BIL could do a bit more than just pass on a sorry through DH if he is expecting everything to be fine again? I don't mean any particular gesture, just maybe a text actually to me or something.

Also, the rest of BIL's family have now heard about his new nephew not being welcome at the wedding and are not very impressed by it. There is a lot of muttering and offers to have words with him about babes in arms (specifically this family babe) being excepted which we've asked people not to do, respecting BIL's choice and all that but the sentiment is nice.

OP posts:
pudcat · 12/07/2015 13:13

Oh dear does he think you are going to throw your non-walking baby in the lake?

LazyLouLou · 12/07/2015 13:27

You have the perfect weapon in your arms... just smile over his head every time your BIL/SIL look in your direction.

No need to police anyone else. And that empty chair will only highlight their persistence in the face of logic/family disapproval.

So, shut up about it now, develop a cheesy smile and nod, say "Yes, isn't it silly?" whenever a family member mentions the issue.

Enjoy Smile

ltk · 12/07/2015 13:33

Glad your dh and his db have sorted this. For your second aibu... I would draw a line under this now and consider it sorted. They are having a strictly no children or babies wedding. That is their (inflexible and precious) choice. You will go alone if you can at the time, and will wish them well if you can't. Forgive but not entirely forget... sounds like they may come up with more over the years!

diddl · 12/07/2015 13:40

So they are so determined not to have a certain toddler there that they'll exclude nephew & therefore OP?

ER, OK then!

If they wanted you both there then they could imo.

quietbatperson · 12/07/2015 13:42

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

diddl · 12/07/2015 13:45

I think that on the day your husband should move the chair!

So if you RSVP in the negative, what?

They still know better than you & it means that you'll turn up??

RandomMess · 12/07/2015 13:47

They are utterly bonkers to think they couldn't make an exception for a babe in arms of immediate family. I've been to several "child free" weddings in which immediate children of the family were included exactly because they are FAMILY.

If they are marrying in a church any member of the public can attend regardless!

clam · 12/07/2015 13:47

Hang on, I'm still not clear on this. Are you going or not? He's apologised, but.... your ds still cannot go in case he manages to teleport himself into the lake?

cascott42 · 12/07/2015 13:48

I know we have to respect people's right to have their weddings exactly as they want them, but it seems a shame to exclude children. OK they might make a small amount of noise (but you can ask parents to take them outside if it's more than the odd sound - most would do this anyway). But weddings are about people starting out in a life together, and in many cases they will be having a family within a couple of years themselves - the children at the wedding give a lovely picture of the cycle of life, imho :-). And the odd squeak, or funny comment from a little one, only adds to memories of the day (and they often make some of the best bits of the wedding video, again, imo).

If the happy couple have kids in the future, be sure to exclude them from your get togethers ;-) (only joking!).

clam · 12/07/2015 13:49

If they're not very careful, all anyone is going to remember about this wedding is not the wonderful ambience and peaceful vows and everything being wonderfully perfect, but the fact that the B&G were so mean as to exclude their own baby nephew.

Original poster
MadAngryGnome · 12/07/2015 13:53

clam I initially suggested I could go alone just to the ceremony as a compromise and was told that wasn't good enough as it was so important to them that I was there for the whole day and that I really enjoyed myself properly at their wonderful wedding. That's how we'd left it really. BIL was adamant I would change my mind hence the seat for the dinner.

OP posts:
Original poster
MadAngryGnome · 12/07/2015 14:00

Oh, further info on the mysterious staging post, it is a house somewhere near the wedding venue belonging to one of SIL's relatives who aren't invited to the wedding, who I've never met and who DS has obviously never met. Confused

Apparently BIL and SIL decided the no children or babies thing when they booked the venue a year ago! If so I don't understand why on earth they haven't mentioned it til now. We've been talking to them about us being there with DS since we told them we were pregnant!

OP posts:
clam · 12/07/2015 14:00

It amazes me that people still hide behind the excuse trot out the old line about "if you have one, you have to have them all" regarding kids at weddings. I think most people understand the difference between a bf baby nephew and some random bloke from the office's thuggish toddler.

Gemauve · 12/07/2015 14:02

booked the venue a year ago

Oh, it's those sort of people.

We went from "yeah, let's get married" to actually being married in six weeks. Everything else is just self-indulgence.

WhereYouLeftIt · 12/07/2015 14:02

"They don't want a specific toddler to be there who annoys SIL-to-be in case he ruins the day for them and don't want to have any exceptions"

Well, he's partly redeemed himself in my eyes. I'm sure we can all think of at least one set of ineffectual parents toddler we'd rather not have around. But he's not fully redeemed because of the 'no exceptions'.

Presumably he's expect the toddler's parents to bleat on at him if they knew your DS was going to be present - I wonder if this toddler is close enough family that they can't play the 'immediate family only' card? In which case he needs to play the 'babes-in-arms only' card. And mention the lake to them A LOT.

Regardless, he needs to take on board that the way to deal with a problem (unwanted toddler) is to do it directly, and not to make it somebody else's problem (your DS to be excluded too). And he absolutely does not get to insist you come regardless. (The empty chair plan is beyond silly.)