BIL demanding I attend wedding without baby

[MadAngryGnome]

So BIL is getting married soon and he and SIL-to-be (nice but bit of a bridezilla, very anxious about her big day) have just announced that they do not want any children at the wedding, babes in arms or not. Up until now, DH and I had been expecting we'd be bringing our DS, who is 9 weeks now but will be six months old at the wedding.

When BIL sat us down and said they didn't want DS there, we said fair enough, we totally understood them wanting an adults only wedding. However, we said this might mean I would only able to come along for the ceremony part as DS is BF and I wasn't sure if I'd feel comfortable leaving him for the whole day.

This has unleashed a bit of a torrent from BIL. He says it is obviously the most important day of their lives and it is very important to them both that I am there for the full day (don't know why, we're not especially close). He doesn't understand why I don't want to leave DS for ages having apparently already checked with FIL that breastfeeding mothers are technically able to leave their children. He's refusing to accept that I'm not up for coming for the whole thing and keeps saying that I'll change my mind nearer the time. I do totally get that some parents would be fine with leaving their 6mo for a day but I just don't think it'll work for us.

AIBU to think that they get to choose not to have children or babies at their wedding but then don't get to also make the choice that the mothers should be attending without their babies?

I would have to skip lunch. I wouldn't be able to hold myself back from an almighty rant about the special day crap by this point. And by the end of lunch we wouldn't be talking. It would be best for everyone that I absented myself

Cannot understand child -free weddings but to each their own
You have after all said you will attend the ceremony which is the most important bit .The rest is just a party
I'd just disappear after the service .And refuse to discuss the matter further .Tough that they will have paid for a meal no one will eat .
Perfectly acceptable for your DH to go .It will be his relatives thereafter all
I bf two children(second til 26 m) and I could never pump .Dd1 would not take a bottle of anything.I had to block most of the holes of a feeder cup to get water down her .

Is anyone else wondering what is meant by this 'staging post'?

I'm wondering where it would be, and how SIL 2b's family could staff it if they were going to the wedding.

Exactly libraries. I've just ranted about it all to my parents who are also confused by this staging post (euphemism for hiding in bushes with baby) and I don't think I am in any mood to be constructive with BIL at the moment!

Blimey, he really, really doesn't want your baby at the wedding! Or rather, she doesn't.

Took both my DCs to weddings (overnight) when each was 6 weeks old.We sat at back of church and ,as they were my friends , DH was primed to exit with baby if it cried(they would both suck on his little finger for comfort)Is that so hard to agree on? I agree a crying infant can be a distraction at a solemn moment .I bf during both receptions .No one seemed to mind .Left our 4 yr old behind for the second wedding as it was easier just to focus on the baby .
Had friend with 6 week baby ,one with 7m old at my wedding .Plus several young children.It was lovely .Two sets of local friends did indeed choose to have 'the day off ' but their children were brought to the church by GPs ( whom I had known for years ) and gave me horseshoes ,which was also nice .

Staging Post - I'm assuming that BIL means a dropping off point where less important family members will be able to deal with baby . Sounds like a plan . Idiot.

they accept me and DS not going (finally!! I think lovely MIL tore him a new one) but have now suggested there could be a 'staging post' where I could leave DS with SIL-to-be's family... who he's never met. More of their most important day/biggest thing they've ever done crap too.

Clearly he hasn't accepted it, or he wouldn't still be nagging you. God, what an immature prat!

He doesn't need to accept it, he doesn't need to understand it, he just needs to BACK OFF. You've made your decision. That's it. Tell him to find someone else to harass. Surely there are other family members they can pester, right??

Oooh! Quick thought....

Could your lively MIL have another word, or your DH?

"Darling DS/DB. Please, stop! I am so worried that you are fixating on MAG. Is there something else going on that is bothering you? You must be so stressed out with all the planning, is there anything I can help with? Please don't stay so focussed on this one thing that it ruins your plans/day. We all love you and want to help make your day perfect."

Catch that fly with honey, so to speak. And you never know, he may well be displacing anxiety over something else. Is he normally such a control freak? Or do you think his attempt at perfection is getting to him?

If they just don't want a crying baby there, why can't you just take the baby outside whenever they show any sign of yelling? At six months, though, they're far more likely to be laughing than crying.

Does he actually know what a six month old baby looks like?

Good plan loulou I will suggest that to DH for tomorrow. I couldn't do it but he might.

I think this control freakery is all from SIL who has been planning her day practically since she was born.

And they have made it clear they don't want a baby anywhere near the premises at all crying or not so no negotiating with that.

Fuck, it's years since I've read a wedding thread on MN.

I see brides and grooms are still being fucking mental.

Broken record technique.

No we can't. No we can't.

I don't really get the point of child-free weddings when peoples friends have children. It makes the whole thing far more stressful and expensive for the friends with children.

At mine, we had a little boy who talked a bit through the speeches BUT his mum took him outside for a little while until they were over and he was fine.

At my close friends wedding, I was MOH and was bf my (then) 7 month old DD. I did my duties whilst DH looked after DD who remained quiet throughout the ceremony. I then nipped off to give her a feed. Then DH looked after her whilst I did photos. There were a few other small children there, and they all managed to behave too. I think the difference was that friend already had children of her own.

Any wedding I've been to, it's been the adults rather than the children who have misbehaved.

Ah, the love of a good woman has got him

My poisonous SIL was much the same. Her wedding day was polished and recreated so often I forgot what the point of the day was. Then I remembered, BIL was also getting married. Pointing that out to DH made it easier for him to deal with the preciousness of the day. I just chose a totally unsuitable dress for the day and smiled whenever the photographer desperately tried to edge me out of the pictures (it was a weird tie dye thing, I looked quite, erm, eccentric??!!).

So they don't want to have a crying baby spoil her their day. OK! Plan something for you, DS and your parents or someone. Have a nice day out yourself, so you don't spend time sitting and wondering how DH is doing, festering on why you are 'missing out'.

I'd be willing to bet it's more "they don't want a baby to upstage them".

It sounds like BIL thinks the problem is separation anxiety and some PFB.

I don't think BIL understands about huge swollen rock hard leaking breasts if you skip a feeds. Or that skipping several feeds results in reduced milk supply.

I didn't understand about that before I BF my 3 DC either.

Spell out how your milk stained top and busting out bust will spoil the photos.

Also, allow for the possibility that by the time DS is 6 months you might have reduced BF and might quite desperately fancy an evening out. Keep your options open.

Explain to your ignorant BIL that it is an invitation and not a summons. His ruke has cobsequences. I also think you will probably be ready to leave the baby for a day at 6 months old, but that is none of BIL's business. He sends an invitation, and you accept or decline as you see fit. End of.

Well I wasn't ready to leave my baby for a whole day at six months.

I don't see why anyone should assume the OP might be ready to.

The sheer balls of volunteering/demanding an entire day's of two people's time (OPs parents) to accommodate him and his fiancé' preferences!!

Why shouldn't we assume she might be ready?? She might be! I still wouldn't go to the wedding, cuz bil might still be a twat.

Both BIL and SIL sound bonkers, of course it is their right to have a child free wedding if they want but the way they are going about it is insane.

I had a similar issue with a family members wedding. In the end I caved went for the day (not the evening). And even that involved two sessions of breast pumping, and DAYS of planning.

The thing that infuriates me, is that the very same married couple have since had DCs and become the most neurotic, DC-obsessed, pfb nightmares that I have ever met.

It sounds OTT but it has really damaged our relationship, because I spend most family gatherings fantasising about blurting out 'I CANT BELIEVE YOU WERE SUCH FUCKWITS TO US WHEN WE WERE NEW PARENTS AND NOW YOU ARE THE MOST DC-OBSESSED (TO THE EXCEPTION OF EVERYTHING ELSE) PEOPLE I HAVE EVER MET IN MY LIFE!!!!'

Do what you think best OP, otherwise it will eat you up!!!!