BIL demanding I attend wedding without baby

[MadAngryGnome]

So BIL is getting married soon and he and SIL-to-be (nice but bit of a bridezilla, very anxious about her big day) have just announced that they do not want any children at the wedding, babes in arms or not. Up until now, DH and I had been expecting we'd be bringing our DS, who is 9 weeks now but will be six months old at the wedding.

When BIL sat us down and said they didn't want DS there, we said fair enough, we totally understood them wanting an adults only wedding. However, we said this might mean I would only able to come along for the ceremony part as DS is BF and I wasn't sure if I'd feel comfortable leaving him for the whole day.

This has unleashed a bit of a torrent from BIL. He says it is obviously the most important day of their lives and it is very important to them both that I am there for the full day (don't know why, we're not especially close). He doesn't understand why I don't want to leave DS for ages having apparently already checked with FIL that breastfeeding mothers are technically able to leave their children. He's refusing to accept that I'm not up for coming for the whole thing and keeps saying that I'll change my mind nearer the time. I do totally get that some parents would be fine with leaving their 6mo for a day but I just don't think it'll work for us.

AIBU to think that they get to choose not to have children or babies at their wedding but then don't get to also make the choice that the mothers should be attending without their babies?

Presumably he's expect the toddler's parents to bleat on at him if they knew your DS was going to be present

Presumably he's a coward and is happier for the OP to be "bleating" than the parents in question.

I wouldn't worry about how the empty chair will 'look' OP. Everyone in the family seems to know about this situation already and it seems most have a sensible opinion. (ie: they should let the baby come and have behaved like twats). Anyone at the wedding who doesn't know, and knows you all well enough to wonder where you are and ask, will get the full cringe making story an update from someone quick enough.

The B&G have buggered this up irreparably really.

Moral of the story:

Don't try to bully your GUESTS into doing your bidding. It will likely end badly and look bad.

I would let this drop now, and allow things to take their course. You've got the moral high ground, no need to say or do anything else.

So the risk of upsetting you isn't as bad as upsetting friend with toddler?.

Well you know where you come now don't you?.

They don't seem to understand that you cant get trollied and dance all night because you have a baby to care for. Plus your boobs will be hurting unless you express during the day.

Yeah - they'd rather upset you than the other people.

OP, well done to you and your DH for standing your ground, your BIL and SILTB are idiots! They clearly still don't understand fully but at least they have stopped putting the pressure on so blatantly, although the empty chair is so passive aggressive! I expect if they are pulled up on it though they will say they are doing it to be nice just in case.

You are definitely not BU for still being annoyed, it has been massively stressful for you and in turn your DS until this point. Sadly I think though, even though you and your DH can rant about it, you won't get any more of an apology or any understanding.

Wait til they have kids and ask them to do something you know will be almost impossible for them and their style of parenting saying that 'other people are doing it'

to you OP, I hope now you can have a more relaxed afternoon with your DS

Yeah okay I'll draw a line under it. Better to keep the moral high ground than risk a YABU

On the bridezilla front, just for entertainment, MIL mentioned to SIL she would enjoy going up to her swanky room in the evening (venue has rooms in addition to this Very Dangerous Lake) and putting her feet up in bed after a long day.

SIL: 'Oh no! I'm looking forward to dancing the night away with my MIL on my big day!' They don't even particularly get on!!

"on my big day" - oh god.

Moving on...

I'm glad that BIL has sorted it out with your DH, and has sent an apology via him as well - it's just possible that he didn't want to talk to you himself in case you chewed his ears off (understandably!) but that makes him a bit of a coward; but he might also have tried again to persuade you, so sending the apology via DH was probably the best option, IMO.

I do understand the SIL's motivation - I did the same thing for the same reason, BUT allowed babes in arms because they are not the same as mobile toddlers/children. However, the person my exclusion was aimed at managed to get the huff because "other children were there" - no dear, other children weren't, babies in arms were, with parents who have manners and don't think their children should be allowed to run wild at any public event (I'd seen them do it at a previous family event, and again at a subsequent family event, so had no regrets).

Maybe I'm old fashioned, but to me children don't ruin someone's "big day". You simply ask parents of potentially noisy children beforehand to remove them during the vows if they start creating a racket. Job done.

No, not necessarily, Bunbaker. Because there will be those parents who don't accept that their beloved offspring are in any way detracting from the ceremony with their racket - no, everyone should be delighted at how advanced and independent they are, and "look how clever little Johnny is, see how he's making his tractor run all the way up the aisle!" type of thing.

If you've never experienced parents like this, then you won't understand. If you have, then you will.

I don't anyone in either of our families who would be that selfish Thumb. But this is all academic because there are no small children in either family right now, and I can't see there being any for several years.

I'm glad you don't have anyone in your family that selfish, Bunbaker; sadly, I do. :(

Parents who can/cannot be trusted to remove noisy off spring for the ceremony:

Hmm. A small wedding; with all the parents of DCs being close family and also being the considerate type is easy peasy. (mine was like this) You can trust they'll deal with it.

A big do with a lot of DCs, and parents who all have mixed attitudes to parenting is trickier.

However, I think you will surely know which ones will and which ones wont police their DCs at key moments. Those that you are wary of need to be seated near guest who are designated 'kindly usher outers' who will be happy to be on alert for noisy bairns and oblivious parents.

Does your SiL have a one word vocabulary? That word being "no"?
"Can I bring my baby to your wedding"?
"No"
"Can I come to the ceremony but not reception?"
"No"
Can you cancel my meal.?"
"No, we're going to empty-chair you".
"Can I go to bed early in my lovely hotel room after a long and tiring day?"
"No".

Is she 2?

I think making a decision now when your baby is only 9 weeks, about what you will be doing nearly 4 months later is a bit hasty.

I think it would be a bit irritating to hear you would attend for only one hour for the ceremony based on what things are like with your baby right at this minute.

It's coming over a bit precious first born to me. Lots of women are back in work, having days out childless, being in hospital etc etc when babies are 6 months, they get by. Saying you will only spare an hour (now at 9 weeks ) is, with respect, U.

You could equally be looking back and saying 'remember how PFB we were saying we could only allow an hour away from the baby at six months'

Give your answer at the last possible time when the catering numbers have to be finalised, when you know how things are. Looking after a 9 week old and a six month old are different and you may well feel different yourself.

Can I just go against the grain a bit, and say that when your DS is 6mo, you may well be up for attending a wedding without him, if your parents can baby sit.

Maybe not, though.

So, I think they're actually being quite kind keeping you in the numbers for dinner. (Not as kind as allowing you to bring him, obviously.)

Is there any chance you could attend the dinner, then go home, leaving DH with his new SIL and DM to dance the night away? If the venue isn't too far from home/your parents' home, that's what I'd aim for.

But if, closer to the time, you feel it isn't going to work, just politely explain. It sounds like they are being fairly reasonable, now.

"I think making a decision now when your baby is only 9 weeks, about what you will be doing nearly 4 months later is a bit hasty."

But it seems to be BIL who is going on about stuff.

When do you need to RSVP, OP?

You might have a routine & be feeding less & it all seems more doable.

However, you still might want to leave your son just for a limited time, or not be able to get childcare.

Stick with your plans, and wait until they have their 1st baby then pretend to organise a adult only party and invite them telling they can not bring their baby.

What is it with all day wedding events? Mine was about 4.5 hours from start to finish. I don't geddit.

Whilst I think that your bil and sil are being unreasonable, I would also point out that in my day < old grimmer> i had to go back to work when ds was 5 months old, or resign. Maternity leave wasn't a year then. It was tough and I would love to have been able to say "I'm not ready to leave him yet," but that wasn't an option.

hang on, so the venue has rooms? Can you say to BIL you'd love to be there, so as a compromise, your parents could be in your room with DS and you'll pop up to feed, your parents can call reception and get someone to get you if there's a problem discreetly and the other parents never need to know your baby was on the premise? (also do they realise that your baby probably won't be mobile beyond just about crawling so the lake doesn't matter)

cactusannie if you'd read the full thread, the OP was saying earlier that she couldn't countenance leaving her 6month old for a few hours as she wouldn't feel ready. My point (idly surmised) was that it wasn't so long ago that we had to do so, for full days, to work. There was little choice. So, it's do-able BUT I also said that I think the bil and sil are being unreasonable and particularly so for what is meant to be a family occasion. It's perfectly do-able to leave a baby of this age for a few hours but if the OP doesn't want to (and I don't blame her), then it's not for bil to insist.

i think you'e confused who the bridezilla is! your BIL sounds like a complete diva!

i wouldn't leave my 6 month old for a whole day. stand your ground.

After all MAG only said she wasn't sure she would feel comfortable leaving her 6 month old for whole day... that uncertainty was enough to set off the whole shebang.

MAG did not say she would not go until a few posts and goes around with BIL later.