BIL demanding I attend wedding without baby

[MadAngryGnome]

So BIL is getting married soon and he and SIL-to-be (nice but bit of a bridezilla, very anxious about her big day) have just announced that they do not want any children at the wedding, babes in arms or not. Up until now, DH and I had been expecting we'd be bringing our DS, who is 9 weeks now but will be six months old at the wedding.

When BIL sat us down and said they didn't want DS there, we said fair enough, we totally understood them wanting an adults only wedding. However, we said this might mean I would only able to come along for the ceremony part as DS is BF and I wasn't sure if I'd feel comfortable leaving him for the whole day.

This has unleashed a bit of a torrent from BIL. He says it is obviously the most important day of their lives and it is very important to them both that I am there for the full day (don't know why, we're not especially close). He doesn't understand why I don't want to leave DS for ages having apparently already checked with FIL that breastfeeding mothers are technically able to leave their children. He's refusing to accept that I'm not up for coming for the whole thing and keeps saying that I'll change my mind nearer the time. I do totally get that some parents would be fine with leaving their 6mo for a day but I just don't think it'll work for us.

AIBU to think that they get to choose not to have children or babies at their wedding but then don't get to also make the choice that the mothers should be attending without their babies?

Locating, invite them to a vows renewal, child free.

Then remind them what they were like.

Anyone remember a thread about from an OP about someone who wanted to go skiing or something with her DH leaving a tiny baby with MIL. Said woman want to breastfeed and expected to be able to express 4 days worth of breastmilk.

Seems that BIL and SIL have subscribed to that level of clueless thinking.

Only read first page. Your brother doesn't want his nephew at his wedding? I'll never understand this no children wedding thing.

Just say you will go to keep the peace then the baby can be 'ill' on the day so you have to stay at home. I wouldn't normally be dishonest but they are not giving you much choice.

Wonder if they have children if they will want to discuss leaving them for the day when they are 9 weeks old? Humm probably not.

If when they have children

YANBU it's up to them if they don't want kids at the wedding but it will have a knock on effect. Both weddings we have been invited to this year have been child free and whilst it is nice to have a day child free it's a pain when you are breastfeeding.

Saying that breastfeeding a 9 week old is very different to a 6 month old imo. DD is 10 months now and bf and I found that after the first 3 months they get in to more of a predictable routine so if you wanted to go you would know how many feeds to leave etc. Saying that though you are not unreasonable to not go if you don't want to. 6 months is still little imo, some people don't mind leaving their little ones, others do, it's a really personal thing so you do what's right for you and your DS.

Have you actually asked them why they are obsessed with your being there? They both seem complete narcs to me! And a staging post!!! Your precious baby isn't something to be tethered and watered!

But, EWAB.... not having SIL attend will reflect so very, very badly on the bride. A wedding is for famblee after all!

Maybe not quite as badly as the sound of a child would... or at least let's hope they see it that way, for OPs sake

Oh the irony...

I'd love to hear the conversation with SiL's staging post rellies. "Hi auntie, you know we're getting married and you're not invited? Well, DSiLto be has a breast fed baby that she wants to bring with her, we don't want her to, you don't mind looking after him, do you?"

Have you asked DBiL which of the staging post family will be breastfeeding DS?

EWAB - agree, not having your new BIL's wife at the wedding looks bad - family will ask "oh, that's your new husband's brother is it? And which one is his wife? oh she's not here, why's that?" and it'll look like either the MAG doesn't like the bride and there's trouble with the bride's new ILs or she'll have to explain she refused them to bring the baby.

If MAG is there minus the baby, other people might ask "where is MAG junior?" and she could say "oh, he's with my mum" and most people will assume it was MAG and MrMAGs choice to not bring their DC, "oh yes, much easier for a baby to be with their grandparents than at a stuffy wedding all day...." etc.

It's unlikely that MAG or anyone else will slag off the bride atthe wedding and say "well, she wouldn't let me bring my baby" so being there minus baby will look like they were welcome and chose not to bring baby. Not being there will have to be explained as "she's at home with the baby" "why didn't she just bring the baby with her?" "oh, Bride didn't want babies here." and the bride looks bad.

Basically, everyone knows not having all your/DH's close family at the wedding looks very, very bad. It will "spoil" the day if she's worried people will be commenting about her behind her back.

Tell them to get stuffed. No one has the right to demand that you leave your baby with a babysitter, whether you breastfeed or not.
If you want to be with your baby 24/7 that's your right and your privilege.

how far do you live from the wedding venue?

Thank you dinosoars for that explanation - I've been wracking my brains trying to think quite why it is so important that Mad be at the whole wedding and I think you have it.

However, if you are right, that makes it much much worse IMO. .

They just aren't giving up, are they?

So if lots of people think its OK to have child-free weddings why would the SIL look bad if it was explained she didn't want 6 m old nephew there?

I think they will give up though. OP is sticking to her guns very well. They may even do a U turn and say the baby can come (although after all this personally i'd still decline to come).

I'd not thought of the ''how it looks if SIL isn't there'' angle! You're so right! Everyone WILL ask ''where is Mad?!'' and the B&G will have to either actually lie, or say ''We wouldn't let her bring her baby so she's stayed at home''.

Awkward.

We didn't have children other than the days old dd and her toddler sister I mentioned earlier. It was more accident than design as at that stage almost none of our friends had kids. One set of friends did and we extended the invitation but they decided not to bring theirs.

It just wasn't that kind of wedding. Having said that we were explicit that the babe in arms was of course a guest of honour.

And has SIL explained exactly why she doesn't want the baby there? If its possible noise/distraction it could be taken out of service /reception.She can hardly admit she doesn't want attention taken off her can she ?
at the weddings I took my baby DDs to I was almost killed in the rush to cuddle them, most attendees having much older children . (we had ours late) Child-less brides ditto .They were passed around and I barely did anything with them except feed/change them .
I have lovely pics of me in my wedding dress with babe(s) in arms .
Surely any bride on her wedding day should be confident that the groom,the only one who matters,will have eyes only for her ?

Over 25% of our wedding guests were under 10 (and most of those under 5). Only thing I'd change would be getting someone to request that the parents of the under 4s that literally screamed though our vows take them outside/somewhere else until they'd calmed down rather than making the registrar stop several times because she couldn't hear us.

I agree dissapointedoneIts bad manners not to remove a noisy child .Friend's 4 year old did rather charmingly echo the toast to B and G at our wedding ,which made everyone laugh .You can hear him quite clearly on the recording

They don't seem to have 'accepted' the decision very well if they are still coming up with more and more outlandish solutions.

Op my 'd'b and sil got married when my DD was 3 months old. The wedding started at 2 and by 9 I decided it was time for her bed and we both went upstairs to our hotel room. (Typing this I can't believe I kept her up so late!). Db and sil were annoyed at me for leaving early and ignored me the next day. I didn't even get a thank you for the £200 cheque they got as a wedding gift. Fast forward a couple of years and they had a little boy. I organised an evening party for my 40th and told them they could stay the night and dn could sleep upstairs whenever he wanted. They told my parents I was selfish and thoughtless and I should have had an afternoon do because dn was too young. My dps agreed with him to keep the peace. We haven't spoken to db and sil since. Dh won't have them in the house because he wanted to do a nice party for me and they ruined it.
Moral of my story - do what suits you and your family. You'll never please people like that.

Urgh to it all. Just be firm, you won't be leaving your child and that is that. Nothing they can do and they can explain to anyone who asks. It isn't unreasonable of them to want a child-free wedding but they cannot then get uptight when people can't attend. Did your husband go to the lunch today?

Also, to everyone saying they don't understand child-free weddings, I have just done a loose guest list for my wedding. 70 adults for the day, if I let everyone bring their children then it would be an extra 24 just from friends. OH has 3 cousins all with 2 or 3 children each, I have 8 cousins who could be invited but they all have 3 or 4 children each. It isn't hard to see why some people just cannot have children attend. We are having our own, nephews and nieces only.

Oh, plus babes in arms! :)

Why you are even allowing your BIL to spout off to you is beyond me. I presume you've already got a father...? & its not him