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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

BIL demanding I attend wedding without baby

325 replies

MadAngryGnome · 10/07/2015 13:02

So BIL is getting married soon and he and SIL-to-be (nice but bit of a bridezilla, very anxious about her big day) have just announced that they do not want any children at the wedding, babes in arms or not. Up until now, DH and I had been expecting we'd be bringing our DS, who is 9 weeks now but will be six months old at the wedding.

When BIL sat us down and said they didn't want DS there, we said fair enough, we totally understood them wanting an adults only wedding. However, we said this might mean I would only able to come along for the ceremony part as DS is BF and I wasn't sure if I'd feel comfortable leaving him for the whole day.

This has unleashed a bit of a torrent from BIL. He says it is obviously the most important day of their lives and it is very important to them both that I am there for the full day (don't know why, we're not especially close). He doesn't understand why I don't want to leave DS for ages having apparently already checked with FIL that breastfeeding mothers are technically able to leave their children. He's refusing to accept that I'm not up for coming for the whole thing and keeps saying that I'll change my mind nearer the time. I do totally get that some parents would be fine with leaving their 6mo for a day but I just don't think it'll work for us.

AIBU to think that they get to choose not to have children or babies at their wedding but then don't get to also make the choice that the mothers should be attending without their babies?

OP posts:
AliceDoesntLiveHereAnymore · 10/07/2015 19:21

There's always shaking your head sadly and saying "good grief, the way you're going on about me needing to be there all day, anyone would think YOU're the one breastfeeding, not my baby...." Hmm

Although that could open up a whole new discussion. Grin

TaliZorahVasNormandy · 10/07/2015 19:23

BIL is certainly acting like a baby Alice

MamaLazarou · 10/07/2015 19:28

YANBU. What a bellend your BIL is.

Goldmandra · 10/07/2015 19:28

When I got married, my cousin brought her three week old daughter. Everyone cooed over the baby, passed her round, took photos of her, etc, including me and DH. She was definitely the unofficial star of the show.

When I hear about people banning babies from their weddings, I just assume that they are really insecure and can't cope with having to share the limelight with an effortlessly gorgeous baby.

ImADonkeyOnTheEdge · 10/07/2015 19:31

Tell him to Fuck off.

I went to my best friends wedding when my 'PFB' was 4 months old. I was bridesmaid. I was also the official photographer. My DD kicked off. Cried during ceremony. DP took her out. DD cried during reception. I took her into hotel corridor and BF her. It was one day. We got through it. Everyone enjoyed themselves . Nobody suffered as a result of a baby being present..

nobeer · 10/07/2015 19:36

I reckon bil and sil are scared of being upstaged by your gorgeous baby.

EponasWildDaughter · 10/07/2015 19:37

We had almost more kids than adults at our wedding Grin (v.small do)

Youngest was an 8 week old baby who was wrapped in a dear little bundle against her mum or dad all day in a pretty coloured shawl. The older ones ran and chased about on the lawns after the ceremony and while the photos were being taken. Allowed to let loose a bit after sitting quiet through the ceremony. It was lovely. All generations represented.

Iliveinalighthousewiththeghost · 10/07/2015 19:39

Okay none of my business but I have never understood all this no babies kids at weddings. What harm do they do. I hate it when people are intolerant to children is it because heaven forbid the attention is taken off the happy couple for one minute and given to s cute little baby

MissDemelzaCarne · 10/07/2015 19:41

Your BIL sounds like a complete twat!

Ubik1 · 10/07/2015 19:41

A relative of mine had a similar situation. She even offered to pay for a room where the marriage was taking ace, and sequester an aunty there to look after baby and allow her to breastfeed.

'No' was the answer. Mr and Mrs Zilla did not want the baby drawing attention away from them on their 'special day.'

Soshe ended up driving 70miles to the ceremony and then driving home afterwards leaving her partner to 'enjoy' the wedding by himself.

It's nuts.

RoboticSealpup · 10/07/2015 19:55

What an idiot. Here's to hoping they have a baby soon, and get to experience first hand how complex and difficult breastfeeding/pumping/bottle feeding can be in reality. Maybe then they will see how utterly ridiculous they have been to think that it's just a matter of pumping and finding a babysitter! It took me a month to teach DD to drink from a bottle, and I could only ever pump in the morning if she had slept and I was engorged...

ChasedByBees · 10/07/2015 20:03

Exactly what BalloonSlayer says. And it's just irritating enough to drive him crazy. Grin

londonrach · 10/07/2015 20:09

Groom and bride decision to not have children at wedding (their choice and id support that) means some guests made turn a wedding invite down (again their decision and i support not leaving baby aged 6 month barring in mind granny and grandad be at wedding too). He sounds like a groomzille. Can you just go for service?

Garlick · 10/07/2015 20:12

I was going to suggest the same as kickass - long & unattractively detailed description of leaky/squirty lactating boobs. But coffee's done it so much better Grin

I asked for no babies in church - reason being that crying distracts me, I always want to make sure the baby's okay! In the event, one guest brought her very new baby in and he was fine.

CactusAnnie · 10/07/2015 20:21

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Passmethecrisps · 10/07/2015 20:24

We had friends attended our wedding having travelled 200 miles with a toddler and a 5 day old. 9 months later I gave birth and I can tell you that I wouldn't have been going to the end of the road at 5 days.

Bil can go swivel

butterfly133 · 10/07/2015 20:40

Iliveinalighthousewiththeghost - it's not about attention, I think it's about the type of do you want to have. I am not married but I do understand wanting to have that type of event sans children. Luckily the "wedding phase" of life is gone for me, but some of my friends had weddings with no kids, others had as many as 20 and 6 babies began wailing in the church - the couple didn't mind but some couples would. I have no issue with it but I think it's obvious that it's going to mean a "no" from some parents.

I am also guilty of drunkenly waffling at a group of toddlers at a wedding so I don't blame parents if they don't want their kids exposed to that either. I seem to recall putting make up on them Grin Actually, I wouldn't do it now, I was just trapped in the world's longest dullest wedding with no food. I think they had fun anyway!

sorry, back to the thread....

butterfly133 · 10/07/2015 20:41

PS I find it really odd that OP BIL checked if it was "okay" for a BF mum to leave her baby. It sounds like he's clueless and not very understanding. If he is planning to have a baby it will be interesting Confused

Original poster
MadAngryGnome · 10/07/2015 20:53

Apparently some of the bridesmaids have small babies and they are leaving them for the day. I assume they are bottlefed which is why he had to check with FIL about the breastfeeding. It was insinuated that if even the bridesmaids were going to leave their babies for the happy couple's big day, surely I wouldn't be so selfish as to make a fuss about it.

And BIL & SIL had a poem asking for cash for the honeymoon. We also had to listen to how hard it was for them because they can't get the money in advance from guests which is a right pain for them having to book flights etc now. Hmm I had little sympathy.

OP posts:
Original poster
MadAngryGnome · 10/07/2015 21:17

And thanks, plan for Sunday sounds like it will be

a) made our decision, no need to discuss

b) oh you still want to discuss? Lots of enormous norks/pumping/leaking/maternal hormones/possibly distressed baby chat

c) final card: maybe when you two have children yourselves you'll understand. End of story!

OP posts:
EponasWildDaughter · 10/07/2015 21:25

Good luck with it on Sunday OP.

But really - you are allowed to simply not want to leave your baby for the day. Just a nice smile and and a ...

'no, really, we've decided we'd rather not leave DS for the day. So i wont be coming. So sorry.'

... varied and on repeat is all you need.

Personally i don't think he/they will understand/care how you feel however you try to dress it up or convince them, so don't even bother trying. Being a parent means getting to hold your head up and (pleasantly) stick to what you think is best for your baby. End of really. Use this and get strength from it.

PartTimePunk · 10/07/2015 21:27

Ugh, they sound dreadful.

I was a bridesmaid when DD1 was 6 months, EBF and a consistent bottle refuser. It was hideous. Bride was a v good friend who was normally sane, but who turned into a complete nightmare. I'll never forget arriving at the reception venue - which was one hours drive from the church on a boiling hot day. Poor DD was hot, thirsty and desperate for a feed, I was seriously engorged and so I nipped to our room to give her a quick feed. Bride had a meltdown at me for daring to disappear for 10 mins. I don't see her much anymore Grin

Save yourself the stress and stay home! Although the idea of pumping during the ceremony is awesome!

ConferencePear · 10/07/2015 21:30

Your brother-in-law has lost sight of the fact that a wedding is a family affair. I've never underwood no children weddings. Isn't having kids why we get married ?

Icimoi · 10/07/2015 21:33

I think it's not just clueless of BiL to ask FiL about breastfeeding, it's equally clueless for FiL to offer an opinion about something he blatantly knows virtually nothing about.

Here's a thought. Tell BiL that he really needs to ask experienced mothers about it, and suggest he starts a thread on here.

WinterOfOurDiscountTents15 · 10/07/2015 21:37

No, having kids is not why we get married. It might be why you got married, but dont speak for anyone else.