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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Uncle's birthday celebrations - AIBU to be put out?

180 replies

IamtheDevilsAvocado · 08/07/2015 14:59

Adult cousins - all in well-paid professional jobs - think head teacher, law partner etc decide nice idea to surprise party for Uncle's (their dads) 70th...

Originally, was going to be at one cousins house. A
month before venue changes to gastropub... As a 'bit more of an ocassion'. Menus circulated a couple of weeks before and choices made.

About 16 family are invited- all these invites a combination of email and snailmail.

We have had a tough time financially recently... OHhas been made redundant - cousins know this.

Venue was quite a way from us - four hours drive - so had to stay overnight - did B&B - cheapest we could find-just under 100£. So with fuel quite a lot.

All have great time inc surprised uncle. Cousins get bill... Then each couple
are presented with a bill for 120£! ConfusedConfused

There was a ripple of discomfort from everyone... Then people were scrabbling around for wallets etc... We paid,..
but this left us considerably short for the rest of the month. We never spend this sort of money on meals!!

At no point had this cost been mentioned..during the arrangements . There was no cost on the menus - and each menu was headed 'pete's
celebration dinner.'

So AIBU in feeling we were essentially charged by stealth for the celebration? Especially in light of cousins professions they are hardly living on their uppers...

What would you have done? Especially when presented with bill??

OP posts:
diddl · 09/07/2015 16:16

My sibling & I took my day out for a birthday meal recently.

It was our treat, which he knew, but just to be clear he said "hope you two have got enough because I'm not taking my wallet!"Grin

Whathaveilost · 09/07/2015 16:17

So if you go to a wedding do you expect to pay Plenty? This was very different to "come out for an Indian meal with me on my birthday"

But it's not a wedding! It's a birthday party for another member of the family. The OP has never mentioned my thing about wedding.

I maintain if some said 'it uncle joe's birthday, we are organising a meal' I would expect to pay for me and DH + a contribution towards uncles meal + tip.

The OP asked what we would have done. Me, I would have made the most and had a good night and expected to pay.
I would have been pissed if it was at cousins house and she gave me a bill at the front door though!

AliceAlice1979 · 09/07/2015 16:18

With friends I expect to pay my way, either splitting the meal or the cost of my meal depending on the friends.

Family events with our family are always paid for by my uncle/step father/ foster dad /FIL (we must be a patriarchical family...) but we are always prepared to pay at family events, what ever the costs if we are at a pub/restaurant you need to offer to pay your way even if it's refused. Just polite really.

I would never check costs / who was paying in advance with the host - feels rude.

Whathaveilost · 09/07/2015 16:21

I've just cast my mind back to all the celebration meals within the family over the last 5 years.
DH aunts 70th. Paid our way
DS birthday. We paid but nobody was expecting it and was very suprised.
DH 50. People paid their own way
My 50 th people pid their own way.
Nan's 90th people paid their own way
Nieces wedding. Sit down meal. They paid
Cousins 21st. Party at their's. we took some booze and presents.

It seems weddings you don't pay for, birthdays you do!

brassbrass · 09/07/2015 16:22

I agree with 'the guest pays in a restaurant' but I'm still miffed about it being £60 per head with no warning. In a pub.

brassbrass · 09/07/2015 16:26

mind you I would always check out the restaurant in advance as we're veggies so would want to check out the menu beforehand for decent options so would take in the price range then

fakenamefornow · 09/07/2015 16:31

Frankly I can't believe anyone would go out to a meal in a pub/restaurant and not expect to pay for their own food. Even if I was invited out on a date with somebody i would fully expect to pay for myself, afterall what makes me so special that people have to pay for my company. If someone then offers to pay for everyone, bonus, but I would never expect this unless somebody has specifically said it's their treat.

I think it's a thing amongst some on mn though. Invited anywhere, the person who invites pays for everybody and is considered incredibly rude if they don't.

As an aside, I get the bill is a lot higher when people think somebody else is paying.

ASettlerOfCatan · 09/07/2015 16:32

If someone suggested a pub then circulated normal menus I would absolutely assume I'm paying (and order accordingly)

HOWEVER As a host if you suggest a house party THEN move to a pub and circulate none priced personalised menus I think most people would assume you were paying tbh, especially if you have plenty of means to do so and have not asked anyone for anything. Usually this personalisation means hosts don't want guests to see what they are paying.

Personally I always clarify as the situation you were put in is my worst fear on these occasions.

fastdaytears · 09/07/2015 16:33

But choccy the menu they were given had no prices on!

plentychilled · 09/07/2015 16:33

I've always paid my own way in any pub birthday/celebration meal. I just cannot understand the idea of assuming someone else will be footing the bill Hmm. It's obviously just a personal thing though I'm astounded by the amount of people saying they would have expected hosts to pay.

brassbrass · 09/07/2015 16:40

yes why was the menu personalised and without prices?

surely that would have removed the ambiguity there and then?

Whathaveilost · 09/07/2015 16:43

As an aside, I get the bill is a lot higher when people think somebody else is paying.

It was this reason why we didn't tell people we were paying for DS celebration. We just let people pick what they normally would choose and DH sipped off to pay the bill. Nobody could take advantage and order lobster and champagne when they would normally have a burger and a pint of lager

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 09/07/2015 16:54

Very wise, WhathaveIlost!

rubyflipper · 09/07/2015 16:57

That's why I think the bill was so high.

It looks like too many people (I am NOT pointing the finger at you, OP) assumed that the cousins were footing the bill, and ordered more expensive food and drink than they would have done.

Original poster
IamtheDevilsAvocado · 09/07/2015 17:04

I suppose the responses fall into broadly two completely opposing perspectives:

  1. If you formally invite (printed invites/the works!) to your fathers significant birthday, it's the height of bad manners to a) expect your guests to pay for YOUR hosting. b) Not tell them in advance - then embarrass people into paying at the end of the event. Knowing too, if the hosts thought about it, that this would cause your guests considerable financial difficulty in the following weeks.

OR
2) Of course people should assume that they are paying once they know its being held in a pub! To expect the hosts to pay is grabby and entitled.

I guess it's different strokes for different folks...eyes the very red bank statement...

OP posts:
UsedToBeAPaxmanFan · 09/07/2015 17:22

I think it's ambiguous as to whether or not you should expect to pay. I think I would have assumed under the circumstances that the bill was being picked up by the cousins (moved from house to pub, personalised menus with no prices).

I've been to several birthday and silver/golden wedding celebrations where there's been a formal invite etc, and the host has always paid. I don't think I'd have expected to pay in these circumstances.

£60 per head would be fairly standard round here (not London). I went for a meal in a pub last night with a friend. We had a main course, soft drink and coffee. It came to £25 each. Add in starter and pudding, plus wine and maybe champage for a toast and you esily get up £60 each.

LilyMayViolet · 09/07/2015 17:50

This is a very interesting thread and very helpful for anyone planning or attending a similar event! Another quick question, AliceAlice, I get what you're saying but if you were the one planning the event would you let people know approximate prices?

2rebecca · 09/07/2015 17:51

If it was a special menu then the meal will have been fixed price with no option of having something more expensive or different.
That's where they went wrong. If you expect people to contribute you give them a normal menu so they have a choice and prices.
Even if someone else was paying for food I'd usually expect to pay for my own drinks though, although would expect this to be agreed when ordering drinks. If we're out as an extended family we sort out how we're paying for drinks when we order them.

AliceAlice1979 · 09/07/2015 18:02

lilymay if I'm not paying I choose places I know people can afford, or in the usual rough price range for that group. My family eat at expensive restaurants but mates are cheap, if I wanted to go to a special place that I know others wouldn't afford/appreciate Id pay, or let people know it's an invite not a summonse and send them the menu? It's also not always about price but taste, I also choose places I think friebds will enjoy the food and if I'm worried I'll send a menu and let them opt out if they wanted. If you are hosting it's good manners to adapt your offering to what others want?

Whathaveilost · 09/07/2015 18:08

By the sounds of things it has just been a misunderstanding.
I don't think there was any malicious intent.
Unfortunately wires have been crossed.

Lessons learned and all that!

TwinTum · 09/07/2015 18:18

In the circumstances OP described, I would have assumed hosts were paying. I would not assume that for all birthday meals out. It is usually pretty clear from the circumstances and people involved. If I had any real doubt I would check. I have only got it wrong once, but that was the other way round (i.e. I assumed I would be paying but didn't).

WhyOWhyWouldYou · 09/07/2015 20:09

If it was a special menu then the meal will have been fixed price with no option of having something more expensive or different.
That's where they went wrong. If you expect people to contribute you give them a normal menu so they have a choice and prices.

That is why I wouldn't expect to pay. They circulated a special menu without prices. That to me says we are paying for you to attend.

If the menu had prices on I would fully expect to pay for the price of my meal and drinks, and would choose accordingly for what I could afford. - instead people had no option of choosing by price and were all charged the same regardless of how expensive the bill. Bad manners on the hosts part all round.

WhyOWhyWouldYou · 09/07/2015 20:10

*regardless of how expensive the bill for each individuals food would have been.

Original poster
IamtheDevilsAvocado · 09/07/2015 21:31

If the menu had prices on I would fully expect to pay for the price of my meal and drinks, and would choose accordingly for what I could afford. - instead people had no option of choosing by price and were all charged the same regardless of how expensive the bill. Bad manners on the hosts part all round.

Exactly my thoughts whyohwhy!

OP posts:
Stitchintime1 · 09/07/2015 21:34

I don't understand. Was it a lot more than you expected or you expected not to pay at all?