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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Uncle's birthday celebrations - AIBU to be put out?

180 replies

IamtheDevilsAvocado · 08/07/2015 14:59

Adult cousins - all in well-paid professional jobs - think head teacher, law partner etc decide nice idea to surprise party for Uncle's (their dads) 70th...

Originally, was going to be at one cousins house. A
month before venue changes to gastropub... As a 'bit more of an ocassion'. Menus circulated a couple of weeks before and choices made.

About 16 family are invited- all these invites a combination of email and snailmail.

We have had a tough time financially recently... OHhas been made redundant - cousins know this.

Venue was quite a way from us - four hours drive - so had to stay overnight - did B&B - cheapest we could find-just under 100£. So with fuel quite a lot.

All have great time inc surprised uncle. Cousins get bill... Then each couple
are presented with a bill for 120£! ConfusedConfused

There was a ripple of discomfort from everyone... Then people were scrabbling around for wallets etc... We paid,..
but this left us considerably short for the rest of the month. We never spend this sort of money on meals!!

At no point had this cost been mentioned..during the arrangements . There was no cost on the menus - and each menu was headed 'pete's
celebration dinner.'

So AIBU in feeling we were essentially charged by stealth for the celebration? Especially in light of cousins professions they are hardly living on their uppers...

What would you have done? Especially when presented with bill??

OP posts:
Timetodrive · 08/07/2015 15:24

I think if it is that guest pays then they should know of costs prior. In my family it would be paid by individuals but the venue would be taken into consideration. If it's is an invite from DPs family the immediate family pays (they are richer).

MaxPepsi · 08/07/2015 15:26

I would have wrongly presumed that a menu distributed with no prices on it was going to be paid for by the hosts.

However I would have asked in advance how much it would be.

What did you get for £120?

3 courses each, at least a bottle of wine and coffees??

LilyMayViolet · 08/07/2015 15:28

No, that's not fair. If you are expecting people to pay you give them the prices beforehand! My parents have had several dinners like this for their anniversaries, they wouldn't dream of asking people to an expensive meal and then asking them to pay! Likewise, we are having a lunch (not a formal reception) after our wedding. It's a laid back affair but I wouldn't dream of asking the guests to pay. If I was going to do something like that I'd make it crystal clear at the outset.

Anon4Now2015 · 08/07/2015 15:32

I'd have assumed I was paying to be honest. Any occasion in a restaurant/pub where we are picking items off a menu (ie not a buffet) I'd have automatically assumed from the start I was paying. I've never been to any such occasion where I haven't paid for myself. And if I was organising such an occasion I'd have expected the invitees to assume they were paying too and wouldn't even think to tell them.

Original poster
IamtheDevilsAvocado · 08/07/2015 15:35

Thanks Koala for the defence!

It didn't occur to me that we would have to pay... So hence didnt feel we had anything to clarify. I would be a bit miffed/offended if i was hosting, and people asked how much they had to pay?!?!

Also tbh it certainly didn't feel like a 60 ph meal...

Without prices and a personalised menu I expected the hosts to pay (like a wedding celebrations Confused), OR make it clear we had to pay for ourselves.... But then i would only expect this if the hosts weren't well off. ... But if i was hosting and couldn't afford i would be doing something more modest... Probably at home...

OP posts:
KoalaDownUnder · 08/07/2015 15:35

But Anon, would you ever give your guests specially-printed menus with no prices on them?

daisywellies · 08/07/2015 15:36

"But you were quite happy to eat a £60 meal as long as someone else was paying for it?"

What is the point of this comment? The OP, on the assumption that they were guests at the meal, was happy to eat the food provided. The fact that she could not afford to pay for such a meal herself does not make the slightest difference.
Nasty remark in my opinion.

Jedi1 · 08/07/2015 15:39

They should have made it clear -YANBU at all.

Anon4Now2015 · 08/07/2015 15:39

But Anon, would you ever give your guests specially-printed menus with no prices on them?

If that's what the pub gave me to distribute then yes I probably would and wouldn't even notice they didn't have prices on. And on the occasions I've been given a menu without prices on I've always enquired as to what the prices are. At that point if the hosts were paying it would give them the opportunity to clarify this. Personally I think it's always best to assume that you're paying for yourself unless you have been specifically told that someone else is paying. If you're not clear, then ask. Don't just assume that someone else will pay.

sooperdooper · 08/07/2015 15:39

I think they should've made it clear how much it was per head, really weird to have circulated menus with no prices on - having said that I think I'd have asked to clarify beforehand because I'd usually expect to pay for a meal at a pub/restaurant

LilyMayViolet · 08/07/2015 15:41

I guess you'll be checking in future op!

Anon4Now2015 · 08/07/2015 15:43

I also don't think that the hosts' income is anything to do with the issue. There was clearly just mis-communication about who was paying. The hosts thought it was obvious that as it was a pub everyone would pay for themselves (as I would). You thought that as there were no prices given, the hosts were paying (as koala would). Nobody is being mean or tight here; it's just a misunderstanding. And I really don't see why the hosts' income is of relevance to that. Including it seems to suggest that as they were (or appear to be) better off that they should pay for you.

KoalaDownUnder · 08/07/2015 15:47

The menu had 'Pete's celebration dinner' printed on it. It was customised.

I know the type of thing the OP is talking about; there would have been consultation between the pub and the hosts about exactly what was on the menu (choice of dishes, prices or no prices, etc). They didn't just 'not notice' that there were no prices on the menu.

Honestly, I would never ask the prices under these circumstances, because I'd be worried about insulting the hosts!

daisywellies · 08/07/2015 15:47

I think their income is relevant. IF you're comfortably off you don't invite less well off relatives to celebrate your father's birthday and then expect them for fork out what to them is a lot of money for a celebration totally organised by you. It was crass and immature.

MaxPepsi · 08/07/2015 15:51

And I really don't see why the hosts' income is of relevance to that. Including it seems to suggest that as they were (or appear to be) better off that they should pay for you.

I have a feeling Devils cousins will be lauding themselves up and telling Uncle Pete that they arranged and paid for it all on the basis that they are higher earners. Just a gut feeling, can't say why.

And it's a pretty big misunderstanding/miscommunication if the rest of the guests got it wrong as well!

Timetodrive · 08/07/2015 15:53

We where invited to a Jamie Oliver restaurant for a 60th the host wealth had everything to do with it. If they expected invitees to pay they would of choosen a Beefeater or similar, to ensure their guest could pay.

daisywellies · 08/07/2015 15:53

My mother would be mortified if we did something like that for her birthday. She would rather no celebration than inviting relatives struggling on a budget to come to an expensive meal and pay for themselves.

Kamden · 08/07/2015 15:56

They were silly and impolite for not making it clearer that they expected you to pay. Circulating a menu without prices was the main issue here.

On the other hand, I am a little surprised that you would have expected them to pay but families do things differently, I suppose.

Original poster
IamtheDevilsAvocado · 08/07/2015 15:56

Anon :

I disagree -i think their income has everything to do with it. The poorly off guests wouldn't have chosen /wouldn't have been able to eat there WITHOUT the invitation. I think it is very rude and mean of tje hosts to embarrass their guests - and also leave their guests short of money for the month.

Also, i think to circulate a menu without prices and that venue was changed would lead many people to believe as i did.

OP posts:
0x530x610x750x630x79 · 08/07/2015 15:59

And I really don't see why the hosts' income is of relevance to that. Including it seems to suggest that as they were (or appear to be) better off that they should pay for you.

it has everything to do with it, when we were all recovering from uni it was understood that everything was shared cost (bring your own food bbq etc.), as we have all got better jobs people pay for the event they are hosting.

TinyManticore · 08/07/2015 15:59

I think I would've asked if we would be paying when told it was in a pub, tbh. If it's at someone's house, or they've hired a hall etc I'd expect the hosts to foot the bill, but not in a pub. Very awkward situation.

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 08/07/2015 16:00

YANBU - I'd be cross about the underhanded way it was done as well.

IF they wanted you to pay, then they should have included the price up front, along with an indication that you would be paying for the Uncle as well.

Then you could have made an informed decision as to whether or not you would be able to afford to go.

As invited guests, you should not have been paying (Unless one of the cousins recently gave a party with inferior crisps and then charged random guests £5 a head for the "privilege" of attending?), or at least not without prior discussion.

I'd have probably paid too, but would have been very cross.

daisywellies · 08/07/2015 16:01

It was boorish and insensitive of the hosts. They're not university students and should have either hosted the event properly or not at all.

Icimoi · 08/07/2015 16:04

I think some posters are missing a few very relevant facts here. This whole thing started out as a celebration at one of the cousin's houses - no-one would expect to be invited to a do like that and be asked to pay unless there had been prior discussion along the lines of everyone chipping in. However, when it is four children organising the party for their father the normal arrangement would be that they would pay.

When it swapped to a restaurant, if they thought that everyone would be paying then they should have consulted them both on the choice of restaurant and the choice of menu. It cannot be justifiable to pick an expensive restaurant and menu, fail to tell anyone what the price is beforehand, and then to demand that they pay up. I suspect the unfortunate student teacher will now be on beans on toast for the rest of the month, especially if s/he had to pay for travel and a hotel as well.

Purplehonesty · 08/07/2015 16:04

Oh dear I think I would have enquires about the cost before going to be honest. I wouldn't expect anyone to pay for me going out for dinner unless it were my mum and dad and I know they never ever let us pay!

MIL hosted my SIL's 21st recently and it was about £50 a head. She intended to pay for everyone which came to around £600 so she didn't send out menus or mention the price she just invited everyone along.
Some people offered to pay but I was really surprised that not a single one of them were well off! All the very wealthy people thanked her and went home and couples like us paid her as we knew she couldn't really afford it!
Funny huh.

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