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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Uncle's birthday celebrations - AIBU to be put out?

180 replies

IamtheDevilsAvocado · 08/07/2015 14:59

Adult cousins - all in well-paid professional jobs - think head teacher, law partner etc decide nice idea to surprise party for Uncle's (their dads) 70th...

Originally, was going to be at one cousins house. A
month before venue changes to gastropub... As a 'bit more of an ocassion'. Menus circulated a couple of weeks before and choices made.

About 16 family are invited- all these invites a combination of email and snailmail.

We have had a tough time financially recently... OHhas been made redundant - cousins know this.

Venue was quite a way from us - four hours drive - so had to stay overnight - did B&B - cheapest we could find-just under 100£. So with fuel quite a lot.

All have great time inc surprised uncle. Cousins get bill... Then each couple
are presented with a bill for 120£! ConfusedConfused

There was a ripple of discomfort from everyone... Then people were scrabbling around for wallets etc... We paid,..
but this left us considerably short for the rest of the month. We never spend this sort of money on meals!!

At no point had this cost been mentioned..during the arrangements . There was no cost on the menus - and each menu was headed 'pete's
celebration dinner.'

So AIBU in feeling we were essentially charged by stealth for the celebration? Especially in light of cousins professions they are hardly living on their uppers...

What would you have done? Especially when presented with bill??

OP posts:
Corygal · 08/07/2015 16:07

Ruse, rude, rude, but increasing in popularity. At the next occasion, ask how much the total cost for attendance per person will be before you commit.

KoalaDownUnder · 08/07/2015 16:08

To be fair to the 'very wealthy people', purple, I don't think they were necessarily being tightwads, or even thoughtless. They probably thought she'd be offended if they offered!

daisywellies · 08/07/2015 16:08

You really would expect educated people in responsible jobs to have a bit of social savvy and not behave like gauche teenagers.

VacantExpression · 08/07/2015 16:10

I would have googled the venue when it was changed to the pub tbh, and more than likely declined the invitation due to the costs. That's ridiculous- what did you eat for £120???

iamnotaponceyloudperson · 08/07/2015 16:12

Oooh we had an event like this. Was very very awkward as DH ended up picking up the whole bill when he realised what was happening, to avoid a family wedding weekend being marred and a lot of bad feeling.

Same kind of thing, very bad manners to make assumptions about people's disposable income no matter what their profession. Another family member said they'd pay half but it was never forthcoming. Bill of £700 when I was on maternity leave....I was outraged at the time but DH was right but the bad feeling which would have rained down wasn't worth it.

YANBU - I always assume we're paying our way but on this occasion we all genuinely thought we were guests.

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 08/07/2015 16:12

£60 a head isn't that unreasonable for a gastro pub, if it's a 3 course meal with wine and they're sharing the cost of the Uncle's meal as well.

Sixweekstowait · 08/07/2015 16:14

Icimoi- spot on

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 08/07/2015 16:14

See, my Dad would do that Iamnot - in fact, whenever we have family meal get togethers, that we do expect to pay our own way for, he has a habit of nicking off to the loo and paying the bill on the way back so it's all done without fuss.

PtolemysNeedle · 08/07/2015 16:20

I don't think they did anything wrong. I always expect to pay when I've been invited to a restaurant for a birthday celebration, and occasionally the birthday person has picked up the tab, but more often than not they don't simply because they don't have a spare grand or two.

If anything, it's rude to assume that someone else will pay for your meal just because they have good jobs.

iamnotaponceyloudperson · 08/07/2015 16:22

Thumbwitch - this was DH picking up the bill for meal 'hosted' by his Dad! He invited his 3 best male friends and his 3 sons (one still at uni) and my little DS for dinner at his 5* hotel the night before the wedding, he sent out formal invites similar to the wedding invite. Then sat back when the bill came. Was £100 per head, excluding toddler DS who wasn't charged. Also for people who'd forked out for an extra night in the hotel to be able to attend this special dinner plus present etc. DH was mortified.

Gemauve · 08/07/2015 16:22

£60 a head isn't that unreasonable for a gastro pub

It's fucking insane. The prix fixe at The Ivy, WC2, is about £27 for three courses. At some gastropub? Seriously? If menus without prices are handed around, the people that get the menus without prices aren't expected, and shouldn't be expecting, to pay. If you told me that dinner in a gastropub was going to be sixty quid I would laugh and go somewhere else for dinner.

OhEmGeee · 08/07/2015 16:25

£60ph in a pub??

Whathaveilost · 08/07/2015 16:25

i think YABU
Any mention of a meal in a pub/restaurant I would assume I was paying.
In fact a couple of years ago we invited about 35 family members to DS 18th and everyone there expected to pay. My DH paid everyone's bill on the quiet and it suprised everyone.

Knowing how everyone reacted (Pleased at having an unexpected treat) I therefore think you are being unreasonable.

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 08/07/2015 16:25

Yeah, I got your situation was different, Iamnot - but my Dad would have done what your DH did to save that situation as well.

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 08/07/2015 16:27

Gastropub prices are way higher than normal pub prices, IME - but as I say, it would have to include wine and the share of the Uncle's meal to get up to that amount.

eddielizzard · 08/07/2015 16:28

shocking. yanbu.

but don't know what you can do about it now. at the time you could have caused a scene i suppose. what a crappy thing to do.

SerenYWythnos · 08/07/2015 16:34

What odd families most of you come from. I wouldn't dream of inviting someone out for a celebratory birthday meal and expecting them to pay, firstly because you've no idea what your guests financial circumstances are and whether or not they could afford it. They'd probably feel incrediably awkard and put on the spot and feel that they couldn't say no but end up short of cash much like the OP did, and secondly you woulndt invite someone to a party and expect them to pay for the finger buffet, or to a wedding and expect them to pay for the sit down meal, would you?

We had a big family meal for my DM's 50th and my DF paid for us all. It was never even discussed, he woulndt have dreamed of asking the guests to put their hands in their pockets and pay for themselves. People did offer, but he refused to accept. And no he's not loaded, just a good and generous host.

Gemauve · 08/07/2015 16:36

Gastropub prices are way higher than normal pub prices, IME - but as I say, it would have to include wine

Good solid central London restaurant, Quaglino's (your tastes may vary). Three courses with a glass of "bubbles" of unspecified nature, coffee and petits fours, thirty quid. Share of uncle's meal (16 people) two quid. Half a bottle of something tolerable (and of course those watching the pennies may just have a glass of house wine) and I still don't see how it's much over forty.

I would be incandescent if someone did this to me, and I would consider refusing to pay. If you're asking people to pay, you give them choices, and you tell them what it's going to cost. You don't spring a bill like that on them, especially as it sounds ludicrously over-priced.

I can afford sixty quid for dinner, but I very rarely spend that because I can think of other things to spend the money on. If someone pulled a trick like this I'd either pay and never speak to them again, or refuse to pay and see how they fancied the embarrassment.

No restaurant would hand out non-priced menus if they thought the people were being expected to pay for themselves.

HeyDuggee · 08/07/2015 16:37

Gobsmacked too. Of course you don't expect to pay when you pre order off a set menu with no prices mentioned!

I recently had to call around a lot of London gastro pub type of places for a lunch for 25 people. Most expensive was a French restaurant at £27/32, depending on which main course was selected. So not even a gastro pub.

I can only imagine at least £35 of that £60 is for the expensive wine and champagne... Did people order lots of cocktails, bottled water, coffees? Hat would've also added.

However - £60 per head? No, that is way too well rounded of a number.

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 08/07/2015 16:40

Maybe they billed the other guests for their own meals too then? (I must have eaten at some very expensive places in the UK!)

NerrSnerr · 08/07/2015 16:41

It depends on the family in question. I would never expect someone to pay for us at a family meal, wouldn't have crossed my mind. I'd have asked the prices when it got changed to a pub.

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 08/07/2015 16:41

That wasn't meant to be a stealth boast, btw! I'm just saying that's my experience.

bakingaddict · 08/07/2015 16:42

I think if it's a birthday in a pub or restaurant I would never expect the hosts to pay regardless of their jobs. If money is so tight then surely even the cost of the b&b at £100 was going to leave you somewhat short but expecting your relatives to automatically pay for you because of virtue of their jobs is equally as rude as them not being clear from the outset who was paying

TattyDevine · 08/07/2015 16:45

I think what has muddied the waters here is that it started off being hosted at their house and changed, and at no point was it mentioned a ball park figure of how much the evening would cost.

I've been to birthday dinners in restaurants, some of which have been paid for by the hosts at their insistance, others that haven't, but it was sort of known in advance that it would be every man for themself. Really people need the opportunity to not go if it is out of their price range.

Personally I like to pick up the tab if I invite people out to celebrate my birthday with me. Its not rude not to though, it just has to be clear that its not a hosted event. In this case it wasn't terribly clear as things changed along the way.

FryOneFatManic · 08/07/2015 16:47

Given that this event had originally intended to be held at home, so hosts would have been paying for stuff, then with the switch to the pub, they should have made damn clear that people would be expected to pay for themselves, and indicated what the likely prices were.

Circulating a menu without prices isn't on in this circumstance, it left it all open to interpretation.

And £60 a head? I'd be suspicious, it wouldn't surprise me if it wasn't just the uncle's meal being covered here. I wonder how much the hosts actually had to pay themselves.