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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Uncle's birthday celebrations - AIBU to be put out?

180 replies

IamtheDevilsAvocado · 08/07/2015 14:59

Adult cousins - all in well-paid professional jobs - think head teacher, law partner etc decide nice idea to surprise party for Uncle's (their dads) 70th...

Originally, was going to be at one cousins house. A
month before venue changes to gastropub... As a 'bit more of an ocassion'. Menus circulated a couple of weeks before and choices made.

About 16 family are invited- all these invites a combination of email and snailmail.

We have had a tough time financially recently... OHhas been made redundant - cousins know this.

Venue was quite a way from us - four hours drive - so had to stay overnight - did B&B - cheapest we could find-just under 100£. So with fuel quite a lot.

All have great time inc surprised uncle. Cousins get bill... Then each couple
are presented with a bill for 120£! ConfusedConfused

There was a ripple of discomfort from everyone... Then people were scrabbling around for wallets etc... We paid,..
but this left us considerably short for the rest of the month. We never spend this sort of money on meals!!

At no point had this cost been mentioned..during the arrangements . There was no cost on the menus - and each menu was headed 'pete's
celebration dinner.'

So AIBU in feeling we were essentially charged by stealth for the celebration? Especially in light of cousins professions they are hardly living on their uppers...

What would you have done? Especially when presented with bill??

OP posts:
Raines100 · 08/07/2015 19:01

Hmm. This all depends on the menu you were given beforehand. I would expect a hired room with a buffet to be free to guests except for my own drinks; never expect an open bar unless stated upfront! If you ordered from an a la carte menu, however, then that was the big clue that you were paying. A set menu would have confused me, and I would have asked.

Original poster
IamtheDevilsAvocado · 08/07/2015 19:20

Have checked with the gastropub online - the menu appeared to be a pre-arranged one.

Yes it was our choice to go- the issue was both being asked to pay after the event, and the amount...if it was a tenner id be a bit miffed and just sucj it up, but it wasnt... We hadn't budgeted for this...

OP posts:
diddl · 08/07/2015 19:44

I would have expected to pay as soon as it changed to the gastropub tbh.

riverboat1 · 08/07/2015 19:57

I organised my mum's 60th last year, it was a similar thing as in family coming from all over the place to have a meal at a nice restaurant. I sent menus round as everyone had to pre order from a specific menu.

I can't even imagine not mentioning the price at any point, that would have been really weird and underhand. We asked everyone to pay for their meal, because we were paying for their accommodation at the hotel. So everyone knew the price of the menu. In the end, mum and dad ended up paying for everyone's food anyway, but that was a last minute spur-of-the-moment decision.

So in short, YANBU, as it is so weird that they didn't mention a price at any point despite sending you a specific menu and taking pre orders, that I'd have assumed they were paying too.

clam · 08/07/2015 20:03

I think my antennae would have started waving at the point at which they mentioned the change of venue, and I might have made dh phoned to ask for clarification at that point.

But no, YANBU to be miffed at 400 quid out of your budget for something like this.

Icimoi · 08/07/2015 21:10

We did a celebration this way for a significant birthday for DH: we went out to a restaurant and picked out a menu which offered a choice of three dishes for each course including a vegetarian option. It never once occurred to us to ask the guests to pay up.

LilyMayViolet · 08/07/2015 21:23

£60 a head is extortionate and it is most definitely something you should discuss with guests beforehand.

morningsarepants · 08/07/2015 21:28

YANBU

maddy68 · 08/07/2015 21:28

Tbh I would have expected to pay

fastdaytears · 08/07/2015 21:39

My family would never have allowed contributions from guests, but with friends I would have expected to pay...until I got a menu with no prices on! That's madness. The etiquette is clear as far as I understand it. Prices if you're paying, not if you're not. A bit like in France etc where there are special menus without prices for the ladies so our delicate feminine eyes aren't troubled by the numbers. They give them to the girls because they assume girls don't pay. It's the same thing without the crazy Gallic sexism.

fastdaytears · 08/07/2015 21:40

Also £60 is a fair bit if you only had one drink and it was a fixed menu. Were there people drinking a lot?

Canyouforgiveher · 08/07/2015 21:44

YANBU.

There is a big difference between a group of friends or siblings emailing each other saying "hey, it is mary's birthday on saturday, how about we all head out for a meal to celebrate, anyone have any suggestions?" (of course everyone pays) and " Please join us in wishing Dad a very special 70th birthday. Dinner at 8 at Gastropub X" (I would be very surprised if I was asked to pay - unless they specifically said so).

but there are enough people on this thread who think the OP is unreasonable to make me think it is always better to ask whether it is a hosted event or not.

MidniteScribbler · 09/07/2015 00:47

Asking guests to pay is fine, but you must be upfront about the costs in advance, and you make it cost accessible for everyone. You don't spring an expensive bill on someone.

butterfly133 · 09/07/2015 00:58

YANBU

I also take the view that if you invite people and don't give a cost, then you are paying for them, otherwise the prices would be on the menu.

I used to think if you invite people you foot the bill but I now realise the world is completely split on that one! But here the keys are that it was originally at their home and that the menu had no prices on.

WhyTheDrama · 09/07/2015 01:05

It wouldn't have crossed my mind that someone else would be paying for my food in this type of situation. I would have researched the cost or asked about the cost beforehand.

I'm a bit unsure who you were expecting to pay. If it was one of the adult cousins then were you expecting the four of them to pay for the whole party. You said that 16 people were invited -

16 people at £60 is £960

Sorry OP but I think YABU

Including the cost of petrol and the B and B is a bit spurious.

SorchaN · 09/07/2015 03:41

16 people at £60 is £960

Yes, but divided by the four cousins, that's less than £250 each. If I'd thrown a party to celebrate my parent's 70th, I think on a lawyer's or head teacher's salary I could have stumped up £250. (My salary isn't in the same league, but I think £250 per sibling is a reasonable amount to spend on a family party for a parent's 70th, and I wouldn't expect my cousins to chip in.)

To be honest, I think it's bad form to present you with the bill for dinner in these circumstances, and it should certainly have been made clear from the outset that they expected you to pay, including an estimate of how much.

Catmint · 09/07/2015 03:55

Very shabby treatment, OP. Yanbu.

I'm surprised by the comment up thread about you being happy to eat a £60 meal as long as someone else paid. You didn't know it was £60! That's the point!

I also think that as a guest / attendee it shouldn't be your responsibility to be checking up re the payment arrangements. Hosts/ organisers should make it clear what the deal is so people can make informed choice about whether they are able to attend.

musicalendorphins2 · 09/07/2015 04:07

Your cousins were remiss in their planning. If someone is invited to a celebration, the
hosts should make it clear who is paying. Yanbu.

Original poster
IamtheDevilsAvocado · 09/07/2015 05:25

Some of the others had a few drinks... But i dont think anyone had loads!

There seems to be a split amongst the replies -

Assume cos of no prices and the invite - cousins are paying.

OR
We were remiss in not asking /assume we would be paying.

There was some general comments yest fr one of tje other attendees - even more Confused than us...

I think we'll chalk it down to experience
and invite cousins to pay to celebrate our parents significant birthdays

OP posts:
hesterton · 09/07/2015 05:42

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

paxtecum · 09/07/2015 05:51

YANBU.
I invited family to lunch at hotel to celebrate an O birthday and paid for it all.
I did tell them in advance that I would pay, because most are on low incomes and they may have turned the invite down on cost grounds.
I would never have thought of asking them to give up most of a Sunday and buy themselves lunch at my choice of pub/ hotel to celebrate my birthday.

If you expect family to give up their time and join you in a celebration you should pay for them.

To expect people to travel 100s of miles and not pay for their lunch is incredibly stingy.
A bit like charging wedding guests for their meal.

LilyMayViolet · 09/07/2015 06:27

Are you planning on saying something op? I think it might cause I'll feeling but you could go about it by saying that you thought £60 per head was very expensive and you thought it was remiss of them not to warn people about those prices beforehand. That probably sounds better than saying you thought they were paying, although I totally agree with you on that too.

derxa · 09/07/2015 06:44

Was this behaviour typical of the cousins, DevilsAvocado?

GoblinLittleOwl · 09/07/2015 07:19

I would have expected to pay for my meal, and if it was held at a family member's house, to have offered to contribute to the cost of the catering. But I would also have expected to have been informed of the cost beforehand; common courtesy.

diddl · 09/07/2015 07:32

"If I'd thrown a party"

I think that that's the thing.

It started as a party, but changed to a meal out.

I think that both sides were at fault.

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