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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Uncle's birthday celebrations - AIBU to be put out?

180 replies

IamtheDevilsAvocado · 08/07/2015 14:59

Adult cousins - all in well-paid professional jobs - think head teacher, law partner etc decide nice idea to surprise party for Uncle's (their dads) 70th...

Originally, was going to be at one cousins house. A
month before venue changes to gastropub... As a 'bit more of an ocassion'. Menus circulated a couple of weeks before and choices made.

About 16 family are invited- all these invites a combination of email and snailmail.

We have had a tough time financially recently... OHhas been made redundant - cousins know this.

Venue was quite a way from us - four hours drive - so had to stay overnight - did B&B - cheapest we could find-just under 100£. So with fuel quite a lot.

All have great time inc surprised uncle. Cousins get bill... Then each couple
are presented with a bill for 120£! ConfusedConfused

There was a ripple of discomfort from everyone... Then people were scrabbling around for wallets etc... We paid,..
but this left us considerably short for the rest of the month. We never spend this sort of money on meals!!

At no point had this cost been mentioned..during the arrangements . There was no cost on the menus - and each menu was headed 'pete's
celebration dinner.'

So AIBU in feeling we were essentially charged by stealth for the celebration? Especially in light of cousins professions they are hardly living on their uppers...

What would you have done? Especially when presented with bill??

OP posts:
KoalaDownUnder · 08/07/2015 16:49

PtolemysNeedle, you're missing the point quite spectacularly.

She didn't expect not to pay because the hosts were well off. She expected not to pay because they invited her to a party for their father, and handed out menus with no prices.

2rebecca · 08/07/2015 16:49

I think the cousins were BU in not making it clear to people in advance that people would be paying for their own meals and clarifying how much it is. If I am invited to a special family meal with a set menu by someone else and cost isn't mentioned I would usually expect the person inviting me to be paying for it although I'd generally offer. If I've not been sure I have asked who is paying in advance especially if taking children.
If thin was my cousin I'd probably tell her that you think the cost of the meal should have been discussed when people were invited as you weren't told it would be that expensive and had no say in the menu.
Controlling what someone else eats and expecting them to pay is unusual.

KoalaDownUnder · 08/07/2015 16:54

And FWIW, we invited family and friends to a v nice restaurant for my dad's birthday, and the friends were all couples in their seventies. I can assure you they are WAY wealthier than I am, but they would never have been expected to pay because my siblings and I were hosting them.

Notgrumpyjustquiet · 08/07/2015 17:04

It seems clear to me that, whatever any of the other guests perceived about who was paying for what, the venue was primed and ready to charge each couple a nice round figure and the cousins lacked the manners to give anyone (such as OP) the opportunity to suddenly remember some other prior engagement and sent their apologies suggest a more affordable alternative. THAT'S what's unreasonable about it IMO. £60 per head plus a B&B overnight for an uncle's birthday party would probably a big deal for most normal people and I can't imagine any of my cousins springing such an expensive surprise on me just to make a fuss of their parents. Perhaps we're just old fashioned and patriarchal in our family (if any of my uncles had a Big Birthday Party they would probably insist on paying for the whole thing themselves and wouldn't entertain the idea of letting their kids pay, never mind anybody else), but it sure cuts down on the embarrassment...

Stealthpolarbear · 08/07/2015 17:22

" But Anon, would you ever give your guests specially-printed menus with no prices on them?

If that's what the pub gave me to distribute then yes I probably would and wouldn't even notice they didn't have prices on. And on the occasions I've been given a menu without prices on I've always enquired as to what the prices are. "

Unless of course you don't notice, as you say is quite likely in the first sentence

KoalaDownUnder · 08/07/2015 17:25

The pub wouldn't take the prices off without asking the host, though, Stealth. It's not a matter of you ((as the host) 'noticing'.

whois · 08/07/2015 17:30

That's really off!

cost should have been discussed upfront, but really, if you invite someone to a celebration meal like that then the expectation is the hosts pay.

It just felt that they decided that they couldn't be arsed to do something at home - and then expected all the guests to pay for it...

Agreed.

DonkeysDontRideBicycles · 08/07/2015 17:33

Oh dear. What an unpleasant surprise OP and refusing to pay would have spoiled the occasion. Your cousins knew you were already taking pains to travel and arrange your own accommodation nobody having offered to put you up. Surely it would have been simple to warn you beforehand everyone except Uncle had to pay for their meal.

HeyDuggee · 08/07/2015 17:34

The pub would have said yes we have set group menus at x per head and you must order in advance. Attached are the menus. No they wouldn't have prices on them because many times the host IS paying and DOESNT want guest to worry about cost. That's why it's up to the host not the guest to email the costs along (if they are not treating).

Stealthpolarbear · 08/07/2015 17:35

Exactly. Surely you'd be more likely to notice as the host as you'd be the one checking everything and coordinating it

KoalaDownUnder · 08/07/2015 17:38

Oh, right, sorry - perhaps we're agreeing!

I'm getting confused. Grin

kissmethere · 08/07/2015 17:41

God that is awful!
You get invited to a party and the HOSTS spring a charge at the end. That is shit. very rude.
I'd always presume we were splitting a bill at the end of a meal and would be pleasently surprised if someone footed the bill. Not at a party!Confused

MaidOfStars · 08/07/2015 17:41

Party + buffet at someone's house.
Party + buffet in pub function room.
Party + hot food in pub function room.
Party + hot food around pub table.

When does the expectation of 'pay for your own' begin?

This was most definitely presented as a hosted celebration. Accordingly, I would expect my host to be paying.

OP, YANBU. Someone above mentioned 'raised with wolves'. I agree.

HeyDuggee · 08/07/2015 17:52

Expectation begins when you get an email saying the party we were having (to which you rsvp'd to) has been now moved from our house to x venue. Attached is the menu. Cost is x per head and we would appreciate if you can indicate your meal preferences, if your RSVP is a yes by x date.

No expectation if I got an email saying - we're getting together for a family meal to celebrate x at y venue (link provided) on abc date.

I would assume I am paying my way and would look at link to see prices.

OllyBJolly · 08/07/2015 17:52

I'm quite surprised at the mixed opinions on this. I would never have expected for my meal to be paid for me. I would expect the bill to be split equally with everyone except the birthday celebrator to pay a share.

This afternoon I've been talking to a cousin re my aunt's 80th later this year. Just her two sons (my cousins) and three out of my five siblings. I see I'm going to have to be clear with everyone what the deal is! (Cousin is in Australia so I've offered to organise)

Theycallmemellowjello · 08/07/2015 17:53

This is a tough one. Every birthday meal in a restaurant I've been to has been organised so everyone splits the bill except for the birthday boy/girl unless they specifically invite saying that they are planning to pay, and so I wouldn't have been offended by being asked to pay here. But I understand why the menu without prices and the fact that it was originally going to be in someone's house mislead you. Still, I doubt your cousins meant to trick you, and to be fair to them I think splitting the bill for a restaurant celebration is pretty normal, so they probably just assumed that everyone would assume this. They didn't think to mention who was to pay - but equally the OP didn't think to ask. It's just an unfortunate circumstance I think, not something that anyone has behaved badly over.

HeyDuggee · 08/07/2015 17:53

Sorry... When you don't get an email...

MrsSchadenfreude · 08/07/2015 17:54

DSIL did this - invited all the family, plus friends, out for her birthday meal at a local restaurant. There were about 40 people there. When the bill came, she added it all up and told us what we owed. The look on DFIL's face was a picture, and he told her the next day that this wasn't on - if she had wanted a big do, she should have done it cheaply at home, or paid for a select few for dinner, not to invite the world and his wife and to expect everyone to pay.

If you invite, you pay. If you want your friends to come along and help you celebrate, and want them to pay their way, then you make this very clear at the outset.

chrome100 · 08/07/2015 17:54

To be honest, I'd expect the bill to be split too, or at least everyone pays for themselves. That's just the way it works in my circle of friends. It would never cross my mind that the hosts would foot the entire bill.

FirstWeTakeManhattan · 08/07/2015 18:25

I've been thinking about this… I think YABU, to an extent, but so are your cousins.

In our family, it's quite common for one 'lot' to arrange something, and then we all turn up to it. They wouldn't mention money, but then we'd offer something or at least ask how things were going to be carved up. My BIL often host huge family bashes, but we make a discreet enquiry about contributions, and either find out that we should stump up some money, or not.

The cousins should have been upfront about how it was going to shake down financially, but you're a grown-up and you know that stuff isn't free, and should have probably have asked about contributions, just to be cordial/sensible.

As a footnote, there's a lot of mention of what jobs they have, how much they earn, etc. I get the feeling that there's an element of 'they can afford it' which is sometimes not true, even with highly paid jobs, and anyway, it's often not a deciding factor in whether someone is being R or U. They've either done the right thing or they haven't. What they earn shouldn't be such a feature, in my opinion.

Kamden · 08/07/2015 18:27

Do people feel differently for family events vs friends events? I invited a few girl friends for dinner to celebrate my birthday and I didn't pay for them. They would not have dreamed have expecting me to either.

MaidOfStars · 08/07/2015 18:35

Shall we go out to dinner for my birthday?
= expectation that everyone pays for themselves (and chips in for birthday girl).

Would you like to join us for dinner to celebrate [insert special occasion]. Here is the invitation. Here are the menu options, please choose.
= expectation that this is a hosted event paid for by the host.

(the second option was, in fact, the approx format of my wedding, didn't see anyone offer to pay their way then!)

Original poster
IamtheDevilsAvocado · 08/07/2015 18:44

It was an ordinary 3 course meal... No larks' tongues... I had a glass of prosecco, as we all did, for the toast - no other alcohol, and a espresso to finish. No gold dipped crisps....

Also as others up thread mentioned - it's NOT JUST the meal cost... also 150£ fuel, 100£ b&b and also uncle's present.... So best part of 400£... Wished i just sent a bottle of whisky and be done with it...

Yes our cousins also knew we had to travel and B&B....

OP posts:
MaidOfStars · 08/07/2015 18:47

OP, have you since Googled the restaurant and checked prices?

FirstWeTakeManhattan · 08/07/2015 18:53

Also as others up thread mentioned - it's NOT JUST the meal cost... also 150£ fuel, 100£ b&b and also uncle's present.... So best part of 400£

But you made an informed choice about that part, yes? The rub is the meal. You decided yourselves to attend and thus spend money on petrol and B&B. We go to the in laws (3 1/2 house away) for this kind of thing and do it as a round trip to be honest. I get why you stayed, probably made it more relaxing and enjoyable, but again, it was your choice to do it.

Would you have posted if they'd asked for a tenner per head? Is it the cost or the principle?

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