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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Uncle's birthday celebrations - AIBU to be put out?

180 replies

IamtheDevilsAvocado · 08/07/2015 14:59

Adult cousins - all in well-paid professional jobs - think head teacher, law partner etc decide nice idea to surprise party for Uncle's (their dads) 70th...

Originally, was going to be at one cousins house. A
month before venue changes to gastropub... As a 'bit more of an ocassion'. Menus circulated a couple of weeks before and choices made.

About 16 family are invited- all these invites a combination of email and snailmail.

We have had a tough time financially recently... OHhas been made redundant - cousins know this.

Venue was quite a way from us - four hours drive - so had to stay overnight - did B&B - cheapest we could find-just under 100£. So with fuel quite a lot.

All have great time inc surprised uncle. Cousins get bill... Then each couple
are presented with a bill for 120£! ConfusedConfused

There was a ripple of discomfort from everyone... Then people were scrabbling around for wallets etc... We paid,..
but this left us considerably short for the rest of the month. We never spend this sort of money on meals!!

At no point had this cost been mentioned..during the arrangements . There was no cost on the menus - and each menu was headed 'pete's
celebration dinner.'

So AIBU in feeling we were essentially charged by stealth for the celebration? Especially in light of cousins professions they are hardly living on their uppers...

What would you have done? Especially when presented with bill??

OP posts:
IamTheWhoreofBabylon · 09/07/2015 07:48

YANBU
Do you think the cousins made a profit
It seems a lot if money for what you had. They also appear to have deliberately mislead guests

Icimoi · 09/07/2015 08:09

People who say they would have expected to pay don't say whether the same would apply had the original plan - of a do at one one of the cousins' houses - had gone ahead. Nor have they said why they would have expected to pay despite being given no say in the choice of restaurant, the likely price range or the menu.

Whathaveilost · 09/07/2015 10:11

People who say they would have expected to pay don't say whether the same would apply had the original plan - of a do at one one of the cousins' houses - had gone ahead. Nor have they said why they would have expected to pay despite being given no say in the choice of restaurant, the likely price range or the menu.*

I would have expected to pay in a pub or restaurant. I would not expect to pay for food in a persons house but I would take plenty of drinks with me to put on the table.
I would have googled the menu. However even if the prices were a bit steep in my opinion I still would have gone.

WhyTheDrama · 09/07/2015 10:30

I would have assumed that I would pay in a pub but I wouldn't have paid if I had gone to a party at one of the cousins homes. I'd have taken some booze but I wouldn't have paid. Had the party been local I would have asked if I could bring something however, I wouldn't have if it were a long drive.

The OP didn't have a say where the meal was but she was told beforehand - she could have declined.

I find £60 a bit high although drinks can easily push up an otherwise reasonable food bill. I've just looked at an AllBarOne Menu and they have sparkling wines for £34:95 a bottle. All Bar One is not high end exactly.

Around where I live I don't think it would be much of a challenge to get to £60 a head eating in pubs. The prices are the same as restaurants.

SundayDinner · 09/07/2015 10:40

I'm with whathaveilost. I wouldn't have expected to pay if the party had gone ahead, I would have offered to bring food and drink if needed. I would definitely expect to pay for my own meal out, I didn't realise people actually expect others to pay for their meal just because they organised it. Clearly I was 'raised by Wolves' because I pay for my own food Confused.

MaxPepsi · 09/07/2015 10:46

I think i'd now have to email the cousins back to get a clarification on the price.

Dear tightwad Cousin

Thanks very much for a lovely day/evening celebrating Uncles Pete's Significant Birthday. We hope he had a lovely time.

However, did the pub overcharge us?? as in retrospect £60 for a standard 3 course meal and one glass of fizz seems quite high, even presuming we paid for Uncle Pete.

Did they charge room hire too??

Just wondering what the costs were so we know when organising the next family event what to expect and what we will be charging you.

Much love Devil Smile

MaidOfStars · 09/07/2015 10:58

I didn't realise people actually expect others to pay for their meal just because they organised it

That's missing the point, IMO.

It's not about who takes on the organisation, it's about how the event is presented to guests. Being an "organiser" does not mean you are necessarily a "host".

If someone is organising the Christmas meal at work, there is no expectation that the person pays for everyone. People will usually get a say in venue, on budget, select food according to their purse, and so on. People will get to bow out if it doesn't fit with their finances.

If you invite people to a special event (the venue is irrelevant) and send out personalised menus with unpriced food choices, then you place yourself in the position of "host". It might be a special birthday, it might be a wedding, whatever.

LilyMayViolet · 09/07/2015 11:01

Those that would have expected to pay, would you have been shocked and unhappy at such a pricey bill at the end of the meal? Wouldn't you have expected some idea of cost before the event?

SundayDinner · 09/07/2015 11:02

The cousins should have stated guests will be asked for their own meal and were lousy Un their communication, but surely you would actually check rather just assume that your meal would be paid for? Unless it was clearly stated that hosts will pay for everyone I would assume I was paying and if it wasn't clear I would double check.

SundayDinner · 09/07/2015 11:03

Yes I would have expected some sort of cost beforehand, and if there were no prices then I would have asked for the prices, it's not a particularly had task and would have easily sorted the problem of unexpected bills at the end.

SundayDinner · 09/07/2015 11:04

Hard*

WhyTheDrama · 09/07/2015 11:43

I would have wanted an idea of the cost beforehand and would have asked the cousins and or googled the pub. Gastropubs charge a lot and I would have liked some idea upfront. I would have been comfortable to say that I didn't want to be included in the 'drinks' part of the bill too as I don't drink.

Whathaveilost · 09/07/2015 11:53

I don't find the meal to be that expensive and would have been more than happy to pay it.

Also, I have a brain in my head and would have been able to Google to get an approximate idea of costs if I wanted to.

Original poster
IamtheDevilsAvocado · 09/07/2015 14:54

MaxpepsiGrin

No... We're probably not going to raise it with cousins.. I feel it will be a total can of worms...ultimately, and sadly, they must have been very thick-skinned to ignore the surprise and awkwardness when our 'bill' was presented at the party...

No, they dont have 'previous' for this - although they have attended plenty of parties, both at home and in restaurants, hosted by our' side' of the family over the years. It has never been usual in our family to expect guests to contribute anything - apart from their sparkling company... And a bottle or chocs if hosted at home.

Lousy communication though ... I don't think /hope it wasn't intentional.... Although it did occur to me nastily that the cousins paying for everyone was the original intention, but then this changed at some point, perhaps when it occured to them the likely cost....or one cousin pulled out...

To those who responded : 'Dur! You can look up the prices online in advance!'

It didnt occur to me to do so..why would it? ? As this would not only seem rude (trying to be nosey, and see how much our hosts were paying for the bash? ) but also unecessary, as we had been formally invited!! I assume those who say this, arrive at weddings and cough up the £50 via a bunch of banknotes /whatever... To us, and it seems the rest of the guestsHmm it was similar invite to a wedding...

Yes we did choose to travel and stay overnight (as did the all other guests-only Uncle and Aunt live in South East)... But this trip was purely so we could attend Uncle's celebration... It's not somewhere we would consider for a quick, value (!) overnight break!

OP posts:
brassbrass · 09/07/2015 15:15

please name the gastropub, I can't get my head round £60 each

plentychilled · 09/07/2015 15:38

I've never heard that people expect other people to pay for their meals. I cant believe some people think its acceptable to make someone else pay for their meal. Different strokes for different folks and all that.

I don't think not paying for other people's meals makes them tight, surely the tight ones are the ones complaining they had to pay for their own food Grin.

They should have made it clear guests were paying, you shouldn't assume they would be paying unless it was explicitly stated. A quick email/text/phonecall to clarify will have solved it. Chalk it down to expensive experience.

HeyDuggee · 09/07/2015 15:46

Well you don't expect to pay for your own meal if you're invited to a wedding. You don't expect to be charged a fee if you're given a catered meal at someone's home, so the fact many of the guests present at this meal were surprised at being presented the meal means the hosts presented this in a particular way to imply the guests shouldn't expect to be paying.

HeyDuggee · 09/07/2015 15:47

Presented the bill not meal

Whathaveilost · 09/07/2015 15:52

I had a significant birthday in June.
People were invited to come and celebrate with me at Stannley house, a nice restaurant not far from where we live. It never occured to me ot them that I should pay for them. One friend said are we splitting the bill or doing individual meals, own drinks and tips. Someone else said 'split it and those that want to opt out of that, fine'
Everyone split the bill including tips.

Should I have paid? I don't think so, especially when no one I know pays for everyone when we go on their celebrations.

PuppyMonkey · 09/07/2015 15:56

As a rule, I'd assume a meal at a pub would be me paying for myself. But given what you've said about your family having a tradition of hosts paying plus the circulating of menus minus prices. I reckons yanbu yo be a bit put out.

PuppyMonkey · 09/07/2015 15:57

Oops - I reckon, is what I meant there.

"I reckons" sounds a bit like a pirate actually Blush

Ooh arrr

LilyMayViolet · 09/07/2015 16:04

So if you go to a wedding do you expect to pay Plenty? This was very different to "come out for an Indian meal with me on my birthday". They sent a menu out which did not have any prices on, as you would for a wedding. As it was (by most people's standards) a very expensive meal they should at least have given people an idea of the prices. I think it was incredibly rude.

plentychilled · 09/07/2015 16:07

Heyduggee I agree that the communication was poor from the cousins. It should have been clear from the go. However I don't think it's safe to just assume that someone else will foot the bill if it's not explicitly stated that hosts will pay.

If I was invited to a pub meal for a birthday I would assume to be paying for my own food. Even if the hosts offered to pay I don't I'd let them, I ate the food it's only right I pay for it.

I do think party buffets are different as sandwhiches and sausage rolls don't tend to come with a set price so I always offer to bring drink/a dish or a money contribution.

choccywoccywoowah · 09/07/2015 16:12

I have never not paid for myself when attending celebratory meals. Always split the bill. I find it absurd that people expect the host to pay in a restaurant without it being mentioned. If there is a big group of us, we also get sent a copy of the menu beforehand so our meals can all be ready at the same time. Although I do agree that £60 seems a bit steal.

plentychilled · 09/07/2015 16:12

Surely a birthday pub meal is not the same as a wedding? I've never even been to a wedding with a sit down meal so can't answer that one I'm afraid as I don't know what the general ettiqute for sit down meals is.

It was expensive and I agree prices should have been given. As has been said they were lousy with their communication but I don't think it should have been assumed they were paying for it unless it had been stated this.