To want to see my family before my in laws after the birth?

[Icklepickle101]

Me and dp are expecting our first and this is becoming quite controversial.

I am adamant I don't want either family at the hospital but when we get home I want my mum to be our first visitor.

I know MIL will bring my 11 year old SIL with her who is very annoying over excitable at the best of times and I know after I've just given birth I will have very little patience with her and they are bound to outstay their welcome.

AIBU to want to see my mum and settle in at home before having the In laws round?

I haven't a clue who saw mine first. I thought it a joyous occasion not one where you started but being petty with 'but I wanted ......' first! I can't see that it matters.

I am always amazed at how complicated people in MN make things. It never occurred to me to think about visitors after the birth, let alone discuss it.
The stress all goes if you have the baby, take a laid back approach and see how things pan out. (I am assuming with this that you have equally laid back family and some MNetters appear to have very odd ones!)

Its not over thinking at all. Some of us just like to plan and mentally prepare as much as possible.

Of course your mum should come first to support you. I feel a bit sad for those people saying they dont need anything from mummy. Maybe they dont have a very good relationship with their mother. My mum is the second person i turn to in a crisis or if im not feeling well. Of course she will be the first visitor after i give birth. There is no debate to be had. That is what's happening. Pil can come later the same day or next day depending on

I am also in my 30s so age has fuck all to do with it.

Some of you have been really patronising, unpleasant assholes.

*Depending on time of time etc

Argh!! Time of delivery

You don't have to need your mum to have a good relationship with her

The only person I wanted was my husband.

As far as I was concerned, everyone else could have stayed away for at least a week!

I had two easy births, but if I hadn't, I don't think I would have cared for either my mum or MIL being there until I felt less vulnerable.

I continue to be boggled by th posters on these threads who think the dad's wishes and feelings are equal to a woman who has just given birth.

Yes, he should be an equal parent and yes grandparents should be equal, but in the days and weeks after birth NOTHING is more important (IMO) than the mother's wellbeing.

I say this as the non bio mum to 2 kids. Fortunately my parents understood that while my DW was bleeding and leaking and having boobs out to establish feeding, she felt more comfortable with her mum around than mine.

Showing consideration in those early days has only enhanced their relationship with us, and therefore their GCs.

Oh, all the 'imagine being a mother of sons' wailers.

You're not relegating anyone to being a 'second class grandparent'. It's a day. One event in the life of the child. You show no indication that you are planning to ask them to give birthday presents second, or only ever see them on Boxing Day, or whatever.

There is no way to separate out what has just happen to you from the arrival of your baby. If you were able to say 'I'm just peachy, this is all about the baby' then that would be a different matter.

But you can't. Chances are, no matter what the birth, you will be exhausted, hormonal, bleeding and sore. It's quite an extreme physical event and can be a bit of a headfuck. You want the support network you want in those circumstances, and I assume your MIL wouldn't be beating down the door insisting to help out and to inspect your scar if you were just home from, say, a gall bladder removal.

Any MIL worth a damn isn't going to be in a snit because your mother happened to get to see the baby a few hours earlier than she did.

Full disclosure: I'm a mother of sons (well, 1.5). At this stage, I will never be a mother of daughters.

The stress all goes if you have the baby, take a laid back approach and see how things pan out.

That was not my experience. I said nothing and I was plagued with my husband's family. There was a delegation every day and while I wanted my mother, I never saw her alone for the week I was in hospital. I kept thinking they'd all visit once and not bother again, but day after day they came. I was as nice as I could be so they all saw the baby while I sat there with a drip in my hand and pyjamas stained with breast milk feeling just worn out and embarrassed about my appearance.

They insisted on us coming over to see their family the day after we came home from hospital for a big dinner, lovely idea. I was at the background to the extent that the food was the two things I specifically don't like so I sat there starving while the baby was bring passed around and photos taken with all my husband's family. It's telling that there's not a single one if me.

It's a long winded way of making a basic point - if you know what you want, say it. Don't just go along with everything.

I gave birth. I lived in the Isle of Man, my parents and inlaws lived on the mainland.

Dd was born on Saturday. On Tuesday, my mum arrived to see her.

My inlaws, and I think also my dad, waited until we were fit to travel to them, about two months later.

Conclusion - move to the Isle of Man before you give birth.

I don't think its wrong to want to see your own mum. There's a bond!

Of course you want to see your mum!
I would just be disappointed if I had raised children to be saying 'I want my mum to see our baby before your mum'-and all before the actual birth!
I was laid back so would be disappointed to get controlling children. I really can't see why it matters- her mum will be seeing her early on. If she does nothing it will probably work out that way anyway. A new baby seems to bring out the worst in anyone when you read MN.

It's natural to feel more comfortable with your own parents

This is true - although it's amazing what childbirth does to raise your self-consciousness levels.

Within 48 hours I was breastfeeding in front of FIL and sending MIL out for breast pads and nipple shields !

How about the mothers of boys feeling very grateful and relieved that their sons will never have to go through the very risky and painful experiences of pregnancy and childbirth? When my mother popped in to see me on the evening of my C-section, she glanced at the baby gleefully but the rest of her visit was spent reassuring herself that her baby was going to be alright. Mothers of sons, while they may care deeply for their DIL, are able to enjoy the arrival of a grandchild without feeling like their own 'child' is suffering. I say this as someone who was present at a nightmare birth only last week. As wonderful as a new life is, my heart would be breaking if my DD were to go through that.

My DS is lying asleep on my chest as I type. I hope he becomes a father one day and I hope his primary concern at that time is to make sure his wife is supported with love and has no concerns that he has the power to alleviate. I would feel like I'd failed if he put the pleasure of introducing the baby to me ahead of catering to his wife's every whim - I want him to be protective and adult about it. Grandparents aren't in exactly the same boat when a grandchild arrives. It's not about being 'fair' - we're talking about showing love, not dividing chocolate cake.

But is it wanting her mum to see the baby first, or the OP wanting to see her mum first? They are very different. The OP will just have been through a massive, physical and emotional experience, and it's only natural that she should want to see her own mother for the sort of emotional support which, however well you may get on with your MIL, many women just can't get from someone who is not their own Mum.

Yes, the baby has two grandmothers who are equal, but the OP only has one mother - in terms of having just been through a massive life changing experience, in terms of emotional support for the OP, her Mum and her MIL are not equal.

You are only being unreasonable in posting this on MN, you must have thread a million of these sort of threads no? You must have known the kind of answers you would get?

I'm afraid I never really understood barring visitors after baby was born but that is a family thing...I grew up in a massive south american family where basically your entire extended family is constantly around after the baby is born. I wouldn't want that, per se, but I would absolutely expect my mother, my siblings and DH's parents and his brother to be there for visits (not necessarily long visits, but certainly visits) after the birth of my DC. TBH I would be quite offended if they weren't!

My SIL banned all family from visiting until their DD was 6 weeks old which I thought was totally precious but obviously none of my business.

Anyway, what I'm trying to say is it's up to you. Do what you think is reasonable and just be prepared to deal with any fallout.

^Of course you want to see your mum!
I would just be disappointed if I had raised children to be saying 'I want my mum to see our baby before your mum'-and all before the actual birth!^

Although that's not quite what OP was saying...

I think that's part of the problem - visitors after the birth are too often assumed to be all about the baby. Bugger the mother.

Suddenly quite grateful that my ILs were sufficiently uninterested that they dropped by for a few hours when DS was two weeks old. (3 hour train/car trip). Then got lost, leaving me sitting in the pub we had to meet them in for nearly an hour with DS by myself while DH went out to track them down and rescue them, because they'd got on the wrong train altogether.

My parents live a 24-hour flight away, and didn't come until DS was five weeks old, which was actually pretty perfect for us. Stayed in a serviced apartment for 3/5 weeks (dad/mum), and were a huge help.

So much depends on the personalities of everyone involved.

I don't think YABU to want your mum there first.
I had my second child a few days before Christmas, after a 10 year gap.
My DD, 10, had stayed with my parents because I was booked in for an EMCS. I promised DD she would be the first person to see her new brother, so my mum brought her up at lunch time and allowed her to come into the room first whilst DM got some drinks. DM stayed half an hour and then left.
DD was allowed to stay with me & DH until 8pm, so our 'little family' were on our own in my hospital room.
I'd arranged for DH's parents to come and spend Christmas Day with us (the hospital is a few miles from where they live and they no longer drive), my sisters and brothers asked if they could come to the hospital on the day he was born but I asked them to leave it until we were home.
Unbeknownst to me, my sister had decided to announce the birth on Facebook
At 7:15pm DH's cousin, who he barely sees, came walking through the door without so much as a little rap on it with her gormless boyfriend of 6 months in tow, whom I'd met once before.
I was sitting on a huge sanitary towel, oozing blood, with a catheter between my legs and a loose sheet over the top of me, feeling like shite.
When she asked if I'd had any other visitors she looked positively fucking joyous to hear my dad and siblings, and DH's family hadn't seen him yet. DH, the fucking shit-bag, just started chatting like we'd bumped into each other on the promenade.
She gleefully made a point of saying she'd seen him first to other family members and hasn't seen him once since.
She is also 50 years old with 3 adult DC.

Don't get this one. My ILs were 'first grandparents' to see each DS after their births as she could get there in half a day, whereas for my Mum, it was a day's drive or catch an expensive flight/train which needs a little advance planning. She couldn't leave my Dad/sisters for one reason or another until it was after the birth.

As it transpired, my MIL was actually more 'helpful' than my Mum was willing to be (& that's not to decry my Mum, who I love to pieces of course - they just have their own ways of doing things and MILs suited me better!). The only 'issue' which we all laughed about was that when my Mum arrived two days later, my milk had well & truly come in so it hurt when she hugged me!!

I just don't remember anyone being that bothered - as far as all were concerned, as long as DH was there at the birth and to support me afterwards, that's all we & the GPs cared about.

It's a long one so haven't rtft but just to say maybe you're overthinking this a bit, I didn't decide who could come when & so on I just said please phone before you come or rather dh did. He was like gatekeeper & either said yes or no depending on how I was feeling

A man has a potentially agonising, life changing, exhausting and lengthy procedure coming up; possibly involving one or all of the following ... a blood transfusion, tearing and stitches to his penis, an operation on his abdomen, a stay in hospital, bleeding and an enormous hormonal upheaval. It's fair to say he might be worrying about wanting to see his own family in the immediate aftermath (his father perhaps?) rather than his MIL no?

It's fine to say personally didn't need your mother, or that you had an easy birth and didn't care who saw you at the time or straight afterwards, but everyone is different, and every birth is different.

As for those pushing their own agenda onto a woman who has just given birth, wailing ... ''It's my GC tooooooo'' ... well, i'm speechless.

I agree with Diddl. My husband was the only one I wanted too. Having said that I was proud of my babies both times and was happy to "show them off" to whoever wanted to see them! Both births were traumatic for different reasons- the second especially so as it was a crash section.

The only thing I would have changed is that it would have been nice if the visitors helped us a bit rather than expecting the usual waitress service which put a huge strain particularly on my dh, who actually had been through almost as much of an ordeal as me.

By some fluke, my Mum was visiting me when I had my first baby (she lives 200 miles away and he was 11 days early, so wasn't expecting it to happen while she was there).
She saw him when he was 15 mins old and I actually was glad she saw him first as DH's family monopolise us, tbh - or at least they did then, before I put my foot down...

Go with what YOU want OP.

Welsh maenad please can you be my MIL?

Why would you feel sad for the people who don't need their mum, Appleblossom?

I have a great relationship with my mum, we see each other every day, but I hate being fussed over when I'm ill or in pain. I felt humiliated giving birth in front of my mum, but I still bloody love her!

I know MIL will bring my 11 year old SIL with her who is very annoying over excitable at the best of times and I know after I've just given birth I will have very little patience with her and they are bound to outstay their welcome

Delightful