To want to see my family before my in laws after the birth?

[Icklepickle101]

Me and dp are expecting our first and this is becoming quite controversial.

I am adamant I don't want either family at the hospital but when we get home I want my mum to be our first visitor.

I know MIL will bring my 11 year old SIL with her who is very annoying over excitable at the best of times and I know after I've just given birth I will have very little patience with her and they are bound to outstay their welcome.

AIBU to want to see my mum and settle in at home before having the In laws round?

YANBU. You are the one giving birth, let's face it many MILL are interested in the GC, not what the mum has been through. Your mum will be interested in you as well.

Stick to your guns. IL's did nip in the hospital (with my consent) and then they came over on day 5. I remember it vividly as I had surgery for a 3rd degree tear too, baby blues had kicked in and they brought DHs nan who is like an excitable child at the best of times. She fucking irritated the shit out of me nd I just wanted to get away and cry but felt I had to sit there and endure their visit.

When my family came over, it was with food and offers of help. My siblings even brought their own lunch to save me. ILs have never even offered to make their own cup of tea. In fact second time around MIL came in 2 days after my section, sits next to me and goes "so how are you then" with a playful push! I pointed out I just had major surgery (her playful push had jolted my stomach) and she just looked at me and said "yeah?" as if 'so what'.

Your mum will be more aware of you too and that trumps what your DH thinks.

Yanbu. When I gave birth all I wanted was to see my mum. But she died before my dd was born. Instead my pil were the first people to visit me in hospital. However they made it clear they were only visiting to see dd; they took hundreds of photos of her but none of me, they did things against my wishes and they insisted staying in my room when I had injections and wanted to breastfeed. If my mum had been there she would have been thrilled to see dd but her main priority would have been seeing me. It's not about who sets eyes on the baby first but it's about how you will feel.

Fwiw my dad visited dd and me three weeks later (we live abroad). I don't see him as a second rate grandparent and neither does he, just because he didn't see dd first.

My mum made such a big deal about seeing my children first. Mum held my babies, took pictures to put all over facebook (before in laws had even met them) and did the whole proud grandmother bit. Then never really bothered after that!

MIL has never made a fuss. Just called to say congrats and to ask when would be a good time to visit. She is the one that babysits, that picks them up from school, that does emergency runs for fancy dress and birthday cakes! She is a great support and I really appreciate that she didn't put us under any pressure.

I have 2 sons and 3 daughters and I know what sort of MIL and Grandmother I want to be.

I think I may have been one of the originals who wanted 'mummy'. I am a grown woman in my mid thirties and am not in any way ashamed to admit that when I am low, vulnerable, upset or sick I do want my mum. She is good company, a source of comfort and helps me out a lot when I need her.
I can't see how being grown means you should no longer want or need your parents.

I get it and would feel the same but imagine if you had a son and you weren't allowed to see his child until the other grandparents had?

I have a DS and a DD. When DS has a child I fully (and i mean fully) expect to be after his wife's mother. It is fairly normal for a woman to want her own mommy after birth (or even during) but to want to wait a day or so for all other family, regardless of which side they are on.

Its only a problem if the MIL is made to wait a week or so after the mother of woman giving birth or has to wait until after the woman's wider family has seen baby.

OP - YADNBU to want your mommy there for you after birth before dealing with anyone else. Anyone who can't see that would make a terrible mil.

YWBU if it was a "I only want my mom first to see the baby because my moms more important" - but I really don't think that's where you're coming from.

Personally I think if you have just had to go through hours of labour you should be able to choose to see whoever you want as your first visitors. Me and my partner couldn't decide on a name for our son although I had a name I liked. Aftr the birth my partner said you name him, you gave birth. I think you deserve it. Worst way have both Mums (only) round together. Explain that you don't want to have a "first visitor" as that would be unfair so ONLY mums, so not to overcrowd, and all will be well x

Honestly- don't worry about it now. It's not worth the pain and worry now. You may have a horrendous birth and end up in hospital for days- or you may have a fab birth and be home within hours. You can never know how you feel after birth until you get there, and it really isn't worth worrying about who is visiting when, now.

Just concentrate on preparing yourself for anything and everything and I wish you all the luck in the world. And do take it easy after birth, and do ask DP to be assertive about any visitors unless you have expressly said yes.

I had a horrendous time after birth (third degree tear, 4L blood transfusion).
I saw far too many people in that first week. I ended up breaking down completely and DH banned all further visitors (my own parents and his included!) so he could look after ME and didn't let anyone in until I was back on my feet. I will be forever grateful for this.

Currently pregnant with our second and am quite considering no visitors for at least a week, maybe even two!

Am a bit at all the posters on here talking about how traumatic birth is. I've had two. Yes, they are painful but mine were not traumatic. At all. Now I fully aware I am lucky in this regard and many do have traumatic births, but just didn't want you reading this thread and coming to the natural conclusion that it is going to be a nightmare. Mine were the most amazing, uplifting, life affirming experiences I've ever had.

That said - births are unpredictable so I agree with the poster that at this stage you should just say you're going to play it by ear depending on how it goes and how you're feeling. You could say that you may just wants big cuddle from your mum but don't worry, you'll all get to see him/her ASAP. Also agree with whoever said you may want to see people before your hormones kick in on day 3/4! And say from the outset (get DP to say)that you're exhausted so visits need to be kept short

And honestly you may find it's actually ok to see people in hospital so another reason to play it by ear.

I felt like a superhero after I'd given birth and was in a much better state to see people in first 24 hours than in next few days!

I must be the only person who wouldn't want my mum there when I'm most vulnerable. I cannot stomach the thought of being fussed over by anyone. My mum was at the birth forced her way there but that's another thread and it made it so much worse as I was so embarrassed.

It might be traumatic, it might be fine. Please don't worry that it's definitely going to be this awful traumatic experience. I had a straight forward birth which whilst was incredibly painful, I wasn't sore or feeling rubbish afterwards at all. I felt fine and life was back to normal the next day, no need to rest or anything. I was also the same age as you when I gave birth.

Everyone came to the hospital at once when I had my dd, 5 family members including mum and dPs mum, no squabbling then .

It's not unreasonable that you will want your own mum of course, as long as MIL sees the baby soon after.

wishing, my birth experiences tally with yours. I was on cloud 9 (until that day 3 crash!) and ready to celebrate. I certainly didn't feel 'traumatized' and DS1 was 7 weeks early.

That's pretty much the way it was for me and my friends when we were having our children in the '80s. Even a friend who had one of the most physically traumatic births I'd heard of didn't need 'coddling' or 'support' from her mum, just extra help due to her physical condition. Yes, it was nice to have help from our mothers (and MiLs), but we didn't feel like we'd been through anything particularly traumatic, in fact, we all felt we'd been through something wonderful.

It almost makes me feel as if we're regressing to the past, where a woman 'took to her bed' for a fortnight after giving birth.

next thread try something less controversial include: parking, smoking,
and drugs

Good luck

Actually, some of the best advice for positive post natal mental health focuses around the mother having an element of focus and control in the circumstances surrounding delivery and post natal care, thus arguably if you make a decision for the best of everyone else, whilst feeling vulnerable, it might be more upsetting for you to have to deal with that, than it would be for anyone else to meet the baby before or after anyone else. You're not a delicatessen, your baby is not a big lump of cheese that someone is waiting in line for. What matters is you, and your baby, and your DH. In that order. Grandparents come after.

Beautifully put and very true. Go by what you feel after the birth and don't force yourself to see people you're not up to seeing. Its not worth it in the long run.

Also you really don't know how you'll feel after the birth. My first I felt like I'd been hit by a bus and then a lorry for good measure. I only wanted to be left alone with DS, DH and my mum. I even hated midwives coming in! Which seems mad but its how i felt at the time and hadnt expected to before hand. I felt that way for a few days. It took a few weeks for me to stop feeling quite irritated by every other person bar DS, DH and my mom though - I think it was trauma combined with hormones.

Second time I had a planned cs and it was wonderful I felt on top of the world. I wanted it to be me and DH with DD for first 24hrs with a little visit from my mom with DS (DH felt exactly the same) - midwives around didn't bother me that time. Then was happy to see everyone and anyone.

It almost makes me feel as if we're regressing to the past, where a woman 'took to her bed' for a fortnight after giving birth.

There's a lot to be said for that too.

On any thread like this, I always say: get them to visit you in hospital ffs

In hospital you will likely be waiting around for ages waiting to be released, waiting for baby to be checked over etc. There is little privacy, so it really makes no difference. In for a penny and all that.....

With DC1 I had quite a few visitors in hospital and I loved it. I was so proud of my new little miracle I wanted to show the world!!! When we got home reality set in and I was so glad I'd got most of my visiting over with!

With DC2 I was out of hospital same day. My in-laws turned up next day and it was a fecking nightmare. dC1 toddling round the place, ILs expecting to be waited on (seriously what is it with that!?) , noone offering any constructive help.

Are you having a boy? One day you might be 2nd....

YANBU, or precious, or entitled. You don't know what is going to happen on your baby's birthday, or how you'll be feeling. Birth is a big deal to you and your body, especially first time round when you have no idea what to expect. Any DM or DMIL who has given birth herself should respect that and listen.

I gave birth by EMCS recently. It was a difficult experience (dd was in the SCUBU for a few days, I was an emotional and physical wreck). A total shock for me and not the dreamy, lovely, perfect birth I had been so sure of.

In light of this I am SO glad I had the foresight to ask for no visitors before I felt readydidn't stop MIL pestering though-. It was 13 days for me (11 days in hosp, 2 days at home). Do what feels right for you. If someone has a problem with that, ignore them or tell them what a dick they are being--

With regards to your DM and PIL - my two options would be to either be blunt and tell PIL they are being ridiculous - who doesn't want their mum to look after them after something huge/scary/life changing has happened to them or to simply not tell PIL that DM is coming to visit before them. What they don't know can't hurt them.

According if that is your attitude, you will be standing at the sides.

I have no problem admitting I wanted my mum when I had my son. He was my first, it was a difficult birth and it was her support I wanted.

Only on mumsnet is a woman not allowed to want to see her mum after having a baby. The rest of the world luckily is more relaxed about these things.

Just say to everyone 'i have no idea, when i do, i will let you know'.

When he pops one out he can choose who he sees first. Til then, he needs to back off and let you lead on this.

as no matter what, mills can't cross that divide into being your actual blood family.

Was just thinking that this is exactly what happens when you have your first baby. Until then MIL and I were related by marriage. Once DD was born we were all part of the same family. It felt weird and it took a while to get to grips with my DD also being her GD. But they love each other of course and now 19 years on I love MIL and her me.

Good luck OP. if my DD has a baby next year I wouldn't be surprised if she wanted support from me but I would do whatever I was asked and will do the same if DS has children too.

yanbu it is quite normal and natural to want your mum. i cant imagine for a second that i would be hassling a new mum, my daughter in law, to see her before her own mother! if i ever became that selfish i hope dh would pull me up on it

YABU to make this into a "thing".
Yes, you probably will, over the first few weeks, talk to your Mum more, as naturally you are closer to her, but that doesn't have to be a reason why she is allowed in 'first' .
Just relax and let things go with the flow - you have no idea what time of day or night baby will be born, how well you will be, how relaxed or stressed you will be, what time you'll get home, how that will fit in with what either set of Grandparents are doing, etc.,etc.etc,

Just relax and don't make this into an issue would be my advice.

Yanbu. My dh gets on fine with my parents but to be honest doesn't particularly feel like seeing them and being sociable if he has a cold or a night without sleep. He'd be fine with his own mum. I don't find that particularly surprising. Why is it surprising to some that a woman after childbirth, which, however great some people find it, is a little bit of a shock to the system, might be a bit more comfortable with her own mum?

Those talking about Hoping not to be second just because they have sons are, I think, forgetting, that the birth of a grandchild is not actually about them at all.

Also, op, please ignore the patronising comments about your age being relevant. I'm in my mid thirties and feel the same way as you, as do most people I know. It's not an age thing.