To want to see my family before my in laws after the birth?

[Icklepickle101]

Me and dp are expecting our first and this is becoming quite controversial.

I am adamant I don't want either family at the hospital but when we get home I want my mum to be our first visitor.

I know MIL will bring my 11 year old SIL with her who is very annoying over excitable at the best of times and I know after I've just given birth I will have very little patience with her and they are bound to outstay their welcome.

AIBU to want to see my mum and settle in at home before having the In laws round?

My mum was there for my first labour along with dh so got to see the baby before even i did (assisted labour so no 'chest plonk', they had to check him) i've not had any issues with mil about it and cant even remember which of them arrived to visit ds2 first. I now have two boys and fully expect not to be first to visit their potential future children. I assume my mil with two boys herself had twenty odd years to get used to that as i will have!

Truly amazed at the politics of birth!

How can the birth of a baby be about anyone else than the mother and secondly the baby?

If the mother wants all and sundry to visit or no one at all for a week or just her mom that's absolutely fine.

What's the big deal?

I have sons and dds.

I take on board so much the poster who mentioned seeing their own babies in pain and I shudder to imagine my dds going through child birth.

*Truly amazed at the politics of birth!

How can the birth of a baby be about anyone else than the mother and secondly the baby?*

I showed my DH this thread and he said something along those lines!

There are 'politics' of birth thats for sure- especially if its first grandchildren! However bad my MIL is I feel sorry for her a bit because she has two sons and is unlikely to be invited to a birth of a grandchild because its not her daughter giving birth- DH still adamant he wants to hold her off as long as possible though.

Indeed ollieplimpsoles my stbdil is a sweetie and if she does have a baby my main job will be to support and be there for her but when she's ready for that help.

"However bad my MIL is I feel sorry for her a bit because she has two sons and is unlikely to be invited to a birth of a grandchild"

Depends if you think that having your mum at the birth is the norm or not.

YANBU to want to have your DM to stay with you but you are definitely being very, very unreasonable to want to keep your MIL and family away for any length of time. Both need to be allowed to see the new bub, even if it's just a quick visit at first.

Anyone calling a baby the new bub wouldn't get near a baby of mine.

I think there is a big difference at the mother being their to support her DD at the birth or just after than being first to see GC at the persons home. I do not think I would be the slightest upset at my DIL wanting her mother first but I also wouldn't mind if my DD wanted space and time. This was never even discussed when I was pregnant and it is how life has changed, if anything at hospital visiting there was sympathy for those who had no visits, now I could imagine that those who manage to get this time to themselves are probably envied.

I think this sort of angst will only ever be had over a first baby, by the time you get around to your second you realise that it's not really that big of a deal who sees who first, or who does what. Babies are born every day, your baby being born is really only a big deal to you, that's something you can't imagine while pregnant with your first. However excited grandparents are, they will go home and go about their business as usual, your life will be changed forever.

When my second was a few months old (maybe even 5) my MIL, who I love dearly forgot his name. No medical issues or anything she just called him "what's his name again". I couldn't forget his name for a micro-second.

Crystal have you experienced people outstaying their welcome? I posted earlier about my in laws staying in the hospital 5 hours after visiting finished. And when we got home they would visit- they would arrive at 11am and stay until
Midnight. I had a 3 day/week/2 week old baby and a traumatic birth. Some people over stay their welcome. It's unpleasant. I had to ask them to leave eventually at 9pm. After that they were more thoughtful and only stayed until 8/9pm when visiting

It IS normal to what to see your mum first. Because she is YOUR mum. You are still young, you want some support so it's quite logical you will get that from her rather than your MIL.

It doesn't have to mean that you are giving priority to one or the other. Or that you consider your MIL to be not as good' as your mum.
It means that, unless both grand parents are coming at the same time, on the same day, there will always be one 'who is the first'.

Instead of talking about my mum/your mum, I would start to talk about your need to rest, your need to feel supported, your need to some peace and quiet.
Then have both sets of grand parents (with or wo children) coming over for a short period. Agree with your DH what that time will be so he can tell his mum & sister that you need rest now, please can they come back another day (or he could entertain them whilst you are resting. It's his family after all). Maybe even have your MIL first if that helps.

Once that is done, spend time with whoever is helping you the most (and I gather it will be your mum).

I got myself worked up about not wanting to be seen in hospital & should we have one set of parents over then the other or both together...

I had pfb at about 11am.

My parents came that afternoon & ILs the next day.

And I found myself thinking about ILs, "are they even interested in their first GC?"

As both sets of our parents lived a 2/3 hr drive away neither were the first to see our DDs.

DD1. Local friends (our best man , father of 4 ,with ginormousbunch of flowers, good neighbour with her teenage DDs who were fascinated by a newborn and 'honoured' to hold her, my assistant at work ditto etc) visited in hospital-I was in for 4 days. Oh the luxury of it ! Birth was OK and I was happy to see them and have them admire my lovely baby.
Once we got home I did not want visitors to stay and knew if my DM came DH would 'opt out' . A dear friend from Uni 'called in' very briefly en route somewhere and took some lovely b and w pics of her .(he did same after DD2) .
DM DF and DB came for weekend when DD was2 weeks. DM stayed for a further week and looked after us both . I think PILs came up when she was about a month.Not disinterested, but happy to take it slowly
DD2 .By then PILS lived locally and DD1 went to them . They called into the hospital with flowers etc for me the following day and (to their surprise and not their intention) were allowed in to see me . Stayed only briefly . Very dear local friend who had been a huge support through two miscarriages ditto . She and I wept together with joy as she cuddled my second, much longed for ,child . My DPs came up about two weeks later , but stayed only for the weekend I think .
As someone up- thread said ,though GPs naturally want to meet a newborn grandchild , it is only the beginning of a livelong love after all.
Incidentally I find the idea of anyone but midwives and DH at the birth (s) absolutely gross . My DD2 is a midwife but is not sure she could cope with supportimg her sister in labour !

Ickle, honestly don't worry. Think of it this way: IF it turns out that MIL visits first, you will certainly be within your rights to keep the visit short and by all means go for a nap if you want to - sell it as better quality time for MIL with grandchild without you hovering! Then - their visit will be over and done with, and you can look forward to a nice relaxed visit from your Mum. See? Not so bad really? And what with the baby being a few hours older, you might even be up to a much longer visit by then .

PIL who don't put their DIL's health before their own baby excitement in the first week or two run the risk of permanently cutting themselves off from their grandchildren. It happened to us.

My PIL kicked up a huge fuss because we refused to bring our two week old baby to meet DH's grandparents (at a location 60 miles away) when DD was two weeks old. They knew DH was run ragged with exhaustion and worry. He was doing everything in the home including co-ordinating a complicated medication regime because I was suffering from such severe pelvic girdle pain at the time that accessing my own downstairs was impossible (with the exception of being carried down the stairs on a stretcher to access treatment via a private ambulance). We'd done everything we could to get it right - it was a planned C section so we'd been able to issue an invitation to come to the hospital ahead of time. It was accepted along with an invitation from my parents to come to lunch beforehand - all grandparents were meeting DD at exactly the same time! The day before the C section, FIL booked a client at exactly the time he'd been invited to come to the hospital, cancelled with my parents and told them he'd be sending his MIL in his place. He was persuaded that this wasn't a very good idea and stroppily agreed to come, not without much grumbling to his son about how 'unreasonable' his wife was.

We were happy to see great grandparents if they were willing to travel to us, but it wasn't enough. It became clear to us that PIL didn't give a damn what shape I was in, provided that I 'allowed' DH to produce the baby on demand. They refused to believe that DH was genuinely prioritising the needs of his wife and child. Eventually, they realised that the baby was really not going to be brought to them, and came to us.

Shortly after that, we decided that life was too short to have every special time ruined like this. They never saw their granddaughter again.

OP I feel really sorry for you reading some people talking about their awful birth and post natal experiences, telling you that you will be feeling awful, in pain and leaking blood and milk everywhere. I had my first baby at 18, it was back in the days when men didn't stay and I was in a big inner city hospital. The midwives were rushed off their feet and I laboured alot on my own but they popped in to check on me and when things got close my midwife was with me all the time.

I couldn't believe what a wonderful experience it was, yes I had stitches, yes I was bleeding and after a couple of days my boobs started to hurt but I had the most beautifyl baby in the world and as I waited 10 hours till visiting time so that my husband could meet his son I was ecstatic. We were only allowed one visitor by the bed and visiting time lasted one hour. I was so excited when I got home and people could visit and admire my baby.

It was such a fantastic experience I went on to have three more babies, if it was all so horrific I think there wouldn't be many families with more than one child. I have had episiotomies, forceps, CSection, induction and you know what was the worst bit? Back in the day we had to be shaved and have an enema, by the time I got to baby 3 that had all stopped and the rest was fine.

The chances are good that your experience will be great, you will love seeing you mum but you will also be so proud to show the baby off that you might well want lots of visitors and yes some can be a pain but if you aren't feeling up to a long visit your partner can police the visitors and say it is time to go.

Relax, don't worry and enjoy the most thrilling experience of your life. Oh and do come back and tell us how it goes, I have my fingers crossed that you will enjoy it, I did.

Op - Listen - Go with your gut instinct. It's important that you have a homely, calm as possible environment for you, hubby and baby. You would have gone through a traumatic time. Yes, every other woman has experienced the same but in YOUR life - it is truly special and rare.

Don't give in, don't feel pressurised. For gods sake, don't do what I did and make tea for visitors and IF you feel they have overstayed. Tell them to go home. No shame in that.

I feel regret that I didn't have more say on how things were run. My inlaws (all 6 of them in that family plus their DOG) was waiting at my door to get in on my way home from the hospital giving birth!!

I was bloody exhausted and I just wanted my mum.

No no no no and no. Everyone can wait their turn when you, baby and hubby are ready to receive them.

Great post grannytomine. I absolutely loved giving birth, although I appreciate I had easy births compared to some.

I feel a bit sad for those saying they don't need anything from mummy. Maybe they don't have a good relationship with their Mother.

I have a brilliant relationship with my Mum but I didn't need her when my children were born and I certainly didn't want her at the births.
For me it was all about me, DH and our babies.
I was happy to see my parents and show them the newborns but I was just as equally happy to see PIL.
I was 19 when DC1 was born and remember being annoyed with the midwife asking in a patronising tone if I wanted to wait for my Mum to come before we went down to the labour suite.
I was lucky I suppose in that three of my four births were pretty straightforward and although I was tired afterwards and a bit achy I wasn't in pain. except for the bastard afterpains with DC2,3&4
If it's fine to need your Mum surely it is just as fine to not need your Mum.

I think it is a first baby thing- probably because you have time to think about things that don't matter like the order of the visitors!
I was very laid back and so I would be very disappointed if I had children who were fussing about something that seems unimportant to me.
I dare say if you have family who are not equally laid back it might be difficult but I'm sure OP said she got on OK with MIL.
OP doesn't know what sort of birth she will have- that might have a bearing on it. I had very easy ones- nothing I did just pure luck.

I have no idea who I saw first each time but I did get plenty of time alone with my mother, so whether she was first or not was irrelevant.

You can have hugs from your mum anytime,..it doesn't mean she has to be FIRST?.
Both Grandmothers are equally important for this baby.

It surprises me the number of new Mums who think they and their mother are more important than the father & his mother.
It sets the scene for the future and can be the start of the dreaded mother-in-law problems.

Lovely post Grannytomine. So many people say it is an ordeal but OP shouldn't assume it will be. They were the best experiences of my life- so much so that I immediately wanted to do it again!
Good luck OP - hope it all goes well. Having said all that -see your mother first if it really matters to you. I am coming from a different viewpoint and can't see why it matters- but clearly it does to some people.

I wanted to see my mum over seeing my in laws and I think it was more to do with feeling shit and wanting my mum rather than her meeting the baby first.

I don't think there is much you can do about it though other than making sure that your husband knows when to clear any visitors out. We had a code word so that he knew when I'd had enough.

I gave birth via EMCS 3 weeks ago. DS was in the SCBU for 5 days. I didn't want anyone there except DH until I had him back with me. Not my mum, not my dad, not the ILs. It was such a stressful time and I was a hormonal wreck, quite frankly. We did send everyone daily updates with photos and videos, which were appreciated, but everyone understood and respected our boundaries.

My dad was the first to see him during the afternoon visiting slot, as it happens, and the ILs saw him a few hours later during the evening slot. My mum flew in to see us a week later.

Anything can happen in childbirth, it's hard to make plans so I wouldn't bother. You may be on top of the world, you may want to hide under a rock - just go with how you feel when it happens.

I can totally second what pps say about using hospital visiting hours - it saves so much messing about and gives you a bit more control than you might have at home.

Now the dust has settled, I feel like DS needs all the friends and family he can get. I've just implemented a rule that anyone coming to visit brings food and makes their own drinks, cos I sure as hell ain't doing the hosting thing!