To want to see my family before my in laws after the birth?

[Icklepickle101]

Me and dp are expecting our first and this is becoming quite controversial.

I am adamant I don't want either family at the hospital but when we get home I want my mum to be our first visitor.

I know MIL will bring my 11 year old SIL with her who is very annoying over excitable at the best of times and I know after I've just given birth I will have very little patience with her and they are bound to outstay their welcome.

AIBU to want to see my mum and settle in at home before having the In laws round?

Well, I think it's okay to not want an over-excitable 11 year old around soon after birth. It's also perfectly okay to limit visits for very short durations, so you can be napping / hiding in the shed for 15 minutes while MIL gets to meet baby, before DP sends them on their way.

So it really depends if your motivation is about (very fine to first see your mum) or if it's about the baby (not very fine to control access to the baby.)

Yanbu .

You can have what visitors you like in what order you like.

You and dh would normally have equal rights about this but not when you have just given birth.

However it would be nice not to keep mil waiting too long! The suggestion she comes without sil first time is a good one.

All running round and any preparing of drinks etc to be done by dh of course. No one should expect feeding by you in early weeks (although dh could feed them). If anything visitors could prepare you a meal.

YABU, but I understand why too.

I would make a big fuss of both grandmothers coming at the same time and having a 'special time' for DSIL to meet the baby later on.

You're not horrible. Ignore anyone who says you are.

It's not about the baby, it's about YOU wanting YOUR mum right after going through a massive physical trauma.

When men can give birth, they can have their mums over first to support them.

Why don't you get your dh to say to his mum that she's welcome to visit straight away, however sil will need to wait until the next day as you don't want too many visitors at once.

That's assuming all your siblings aren't planning on descending on you with your dm.

I get it and would feel the same but imagine if you had a son and you weren't allowed to see his child until the other grandparents had?

I thought the same thing. I feel quite sorry for mothers of sons in these circumstances. Seems like they are often relegated to second place grandmother.

Oh, and if your SIL is allowed social media, make it expressly clear that she is not to post anything related to the baby.

I get it and would feel the same but imagine if you had a son and you weren't allowed to see his child until the other grandparents had?

This.

Ds is 16. I have no idea who dh rang first. I can't remember who the first visitors were - in the long term it really doesn't matter.
But what did matter wefe the visitors who outstayed their welcome and expected "entertaining". So put your foot down about lengths of visits.

Would never dream of making mil wait ages to see the baby, obviously all depends what time we get home but would either be later the same or the next day so I'm not trying to restrict access to baby at all!

I know mil will bring her dd even if we ask her not to, that's just the way she is.

Maybe I could be upstairs having a power nap while they come round for a cuddle? Or is that bad too? I just don't want to be overwhelmed and end up getting snappy with them.

YANBU to think that way but, don't through with it.

You Mum and his Mum have equal rights in my opinion.

Like others have said (and because I have a son and another son on the way) I would hate to not be allowed to see my son's baby until the maternal GM has.

I get it and would feel the same but imagine if you had a son and you weren't allowed to see his child until the other grandparents had? I hope that I would understand that the woman had gone through an enormous physical event and possibly needed her Mum.

My DMIL OTOH decided to book flights to come and stay for when she thought the birth would be, with my SIL. Unfortunately for her, I was almost three weeks late and she had to leave a couple of days after DD arrived. My DM came when she was asked and got to spend more time with DD.

My DM listened to me and my DMIL didn't. That would be why, even though I adored my DMIL, my DM would be more welcome at difficult times. DMIL died and I miss her terribly but she was very persistent around life events like weddings and births.

Don't rule out them visiting at the hospital, depending how long you are in.
It can be helpful as they get to meet the baby, it's really busy there anyway, visiting times and numbers are limited.
Then when you get home you can hide or have help, whatever, as people will have seen baby and pressure will be off.

You won't want your baby away from you.

I know you're saying you don't want visitors in the hospital, but the midwives on my ward were amazing and would only let in who you wanted....

I think it really depends on how much of a time gap you were hoping for?

If you are thinking same day for both of them but your mum first I think that's fine. Assuming you don't want them both there at the same time (too many people all at once) then one of them has to be first.

With my DC1 my PIL came to see the baby first, as it made more sense for them to visit earlier in the day (FIL health problems).

If for example your DM came at 12 for an hour and your MIL at 2 for an hour then I would consider that to be near enough them seeing baby at the same time, whilst you still seeing your mum first.

You'll get flamed but I don't think you're unreasonable.

My FIL arrived at the hospital uninvited and I've never forgiven him. I was very unwell after the birth and had literally just arrived on the ward after surgery for a third degree tear. He was the last person I wanted to see and I've never forgiven him for his selfishness.

It's understandable wanting to see your own parents over your in laws. Your parents have raised you and nursed you when ill. Not many people would be comfortable seeing their in laws when vulnerable (physically and emotionally).

Both my sisters are perfectly fine with waiting until I'm up for visitors to meet their new Niece or nephew.

Just seems my family are being very understanding and flexible and the I laws are being very demanding and uncooperative

I've got a boy and a girl. If my dd has a baby I can well imagine her wanting g me after the birth. If my DIL gave birth I can well imagine her wanting HER mum and would have the tiniest issue with it. Grand have a whole rest of lifetime to love babies. Who saw baby first will be irrelevant in the long run, but in that vulnerable, painful, frightening time after giving birth it will have been important to the mother to feel supported by the person she wants most. And to be honest, I'd want my hypothetical future DIL's enduring memories of that overwhelming time to be of me being understanding, supportive and accommodating of her need to have her own mum, not of me being a pushy arsehole.

I'd say you aren't being unreasonable as such but it can be quite a delicate time. After I had given birth I wanted my own mum. I think that's natural.
Maybe just make the arrangements that, depending on when you get out of hospital, your mum does visit first then your Mil comes later but the same day. Don't force the issue. Just explain to your DH that you are not 'ranking' anyone or setting your stall out for grandparent priorities, just that you'll probably be a bit emotional, exhausted and overwhelmed and would like a cuddle from your mum before you get down to things. It is his baby too and I assume he will be supporting you during labour but that does not compare to the physically demanding task of giving birth.

It's difficult. You're emotionally bonded to your mum (which us brilliant) but you don't want to make your MIL feel she's less important in her grand child's life.

Get the around at the same time, with your mum 5 mins early for that hug. She can then stay after too

SIL is difficult. That intense enthusiasms can be overwhelming when your post natal. So another possibility is you calling in to the houses. In laws first, then your mums for longer (or her at yours)

Obviously how your birth goes could effect these plans.

We invited all grandparents over on the same day, but with visits staggered - my mum was first because it was her first grandchild (MIL already had one) but then in-laws were there shortly afterwards while my folks went off to he shops with a list of food that I fancied (at their request I should point out!). Then there was a brief period with everyone in attendance and I think my folks ended up going to the in-laws for tea and comparing photos (not sure - was shattered). In short, I don't think it's a bad thing to want your mum first, but I would make sure everyone gets to meet the baby on the same day.

Oh, and if MIL isn't wiling to leave SIL at home, then make it clear that their visit will have to be much shorter than it otherwise would. Some 11 year olds would be good as gold, but if she is going to be overexcited, then they will have to deal with that themselves rather than inflicting it on you and the baby.

After i had been in labour I wanted my mum. Perfectly normal and you probably won't even be thinking of baby visitors, just support for you, which is fair enough and totally understandable