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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To want to see my family before my in laws after the birth?

262 replies

Icklepickle101 · 07/07/2015 17:43

Me and dp are expecting our first and this is becoming quite controversial.

I am adamant I don't want either family at the hospital but when we get home I want my mum to be our first visitor.

I know MIL will bring my 11 year old SIL with her who is very annoying over excitable at the best of times and I know after I've just given birth I will have very little patience with her and they are bound to outstay their welcome.

AIBU to want to see my mum and settle in at home before having the In laws round?

OP posts:
diddl · 07/07/2015 20:59

I agree that hospital visiting might be a good idea.

Also, would the SIL be allowed, or is it only siblings?

PiperChapstick · 07/07/2015 21:01

PS some of you lot aren't half nasty fuckers. So she's close to her mum, what's there to laugh about. Whenever I have so much as a cold I call my mum and say "mummy I'm poorly" as she's the only person in the world who makes me feel better.

OP ignore snide comments what you feel is completely normal, it's your baby and your house invite whoever you like round first!

Raveismyera · 07/07/2015 21:01

I've got used to her late swim but she certainly oversteps her boundaries, to say the least

Pollyputthekettleon45 · 07/07/2015 21:01

YANBU. You'll be in pain, oozing, leaking, hormonal, teary, you'll look and feel rubbish and maybe still have the drugs in your system.

While having a baby is lovely, the mother sometimes gets overlooked. You will of just have a major operation, or at least feel like you've had one. It's not about first dibs on the baby it's about you.

Andrewofgg · 07/07/2015 21:02

My DM saw my DS before MIL - MIL was terrified of hospitals and anything to do with them and did not see him until he was home. And (like FIL, unlike her sons) did not make herself much use then.

diddl · 07/07/2015 21:08

"You'll be in pain, oozing, leaking, hormonal, teary, you'll look and feel rubbish"

Not necessarily.

And MIL has been through it too!

annatha · 07/07/2015 21:13

You aren't being unreasonable OP. Ignore the rude comments, this is yours and dp's baby first and foremost, but you are the one going through labour. I know I couldn't have coped with an over excited 11 year old straight after birth. Surely dp can understand that. As others have said don't make your in-laws wait long, but if you want to see your own mum first then do it. I'd hope that they'd understand that while they are excited to meet their grandchild, you've been through a hell of a lot and might just want a cuddle from your mum first. Babies aren't family property to be passed around regardless of how mum is feeling. Maybe get dp to explain to his mum that you're feeling a bit overwhelmed and would really appreciate her leaving SIL at home for the first visit, and if this isn't possible then between the two of them they keep her in check, maybe getting her to make cups of tea or something if she gets too much.

Lateswim16 · 07/07/2015 21:14

Well I am close to my dds and my dss and my only advice to my dils over this would be 'whatever you want sweetheart. We will come when you want us and whenever that is that's fine'

What is wrong with people?

LucilleBluth · 07/07/2015 21:20

Fuck off to the poster who said that the negative comments are from 'frightened mothers of boys who don't understand the mother daughter bond......fuck offffffffffff.

Those of you insisting that the maternal grandmother sees baby first come across as petty.......and who said birth was automatically traumatic, where is all this catastrophic language coming from!

Op, you are very Young and I can see that is a major reason why you would want your mum. Just be considerate and good luck.

Writerwannabe83 · 07/07/2015 21:21

I was a bit like this when I was pregnant with DC1 (thought not as bad as you) but when DS was born I was that over the moon and so happy I wouldn't have cared if strangers walked in off the street to come and see him Grin

Save yourself the stress and stop thinking about what you would like to happen because if my story is anything to go by you won't give a crap who sees you and the baby first because you'll just want to show him off to everyone Grin

FWIW - my PIL were the first to come and see me in hospital and it was lovely. They were DS's grandparents in the exact same way that my parents are.

I would never, ever have told my DH that his parents weren't as welcome as mine. That's very unreasonable in my eyes and very unfair.

Congratulations on your pregnancy and don't spend your days stressing about something that is so irrelevant in the grand scheme of things. Your pregnancy will fly by so quickly and you need to enjoy it so stop focusing on negative feelings and just look forward to the day your baby arrives because it will be magical and who sees the baby first will be such a none-issue Flowers

WhyTheDrama · 07/07/2015 21:23

YANBU. You'll be in pain, oozing, leaking, hormonal, teary, you'll look and feel rubbish and maybe still have the drugs in your system. ShockConfused

OP - no one knows how you will feel after giving birth. I really hope you are not getting spooked by all the posters who are saying that you will feel awful - you may be surprised at how good you feel. I felt sore but fine after each of my 4 births do I get a coconut In fact I felt a lot better the day following the birth compared with a week or so later when all the lack of sleep caught up with me.

diddl · 07/07/2015 21:26

Of course it's natural to want to see your mum, just as it's natural for your husband yo want to see hismum!

badg3r · 07/07/2015 21:27

Haven't rtwt, but I would just tell them all you don't want to commit to anything till the baby is born cos it's your first and you've no idea how you'll feel, but you'll let them all know asap when you're up for visitors. Broken record technique till they asking. Then do what you want.

Blu · 07/07/2015 21:30

I have no DD, and when I become a grandmother I fully expect my DIL, after giving birth, to feel overwhelmed or tired, or in need of bonding alone and maybe not wanting visitors at all. And that she will naturally feel most comfortable with her own Mum or possibly her sister or best friend. In any case I will wait til she is ready and not think about my 'rights'.

Go with the flow, OP. And see how you are. You may be chipper and ready to show off your baby to anyone and everyone ASAP !

Hadron21 · 07/07/2015 21:33

All I wanted was my mum. It's rational to want your mum. Don't overthink it. Let your mum see the baby first then mil. Your choice.
The way you treat your mil afterwards is far more important.
Congratulations xxxx (having a baby gives you the right to go with your instinct).

IhateMagic · 07/07/2015 21:33

Op, in real life 99% of people would totally understand, but on mumsnet there is this weird maniacle need to be a robot, who sees no difference between her own mother and, let's face it, an acquaintance, as no matter what, mills can't cross that divide into being your actual blood family.

And it is 100% about you, don't start believing this crap about sucking it up, or doing it to keep the peace etc...NO! Not until the woman who's body has all but turned itself inside out has said its ok.

LucilleBluth · 07/07/2015 21:33

Jesus, I've had three births ranging from totally natural, emergency c section and placenta previa but non of them was traumatic (disclaimer to add that of course a minority of births can be) in fact I was on a high, sore yes....but elated, the weepy-ness doesn't kick in till day three......see everyone before then ;)

ShipShapeAhoy · 07/07/2015 21:34

Of course it's natural to want to see your mum, just as it's natural for your husband yo want to see hismum!

Her husband isnt the one giving birth though.

ASettlerOfCatan · 07/07/2015 21:36

Yanbu to just want your mum but don't cut out your mil. I did 1st visit in hospital as it was easier as nurses chuck visitors out after the alloted time!

LucilleBluth · 07/07/2015 21:36

.....and who are these men, these men so disconnected to their mothers that the can't show off their newborn child at the say so of their wives (not you op, but some posters on this thread)

grannytomine · 07/07/2015 21:36

Well I have four kids, can't for the life of me remember who saw who first, well the one that was born at home my mum saw firstI think as she was staying with me tohelp with the toddler. I don't remember it ever being a big deal in those days. It is all so political now.

I have 3 grandchildren, their other grandmothers saw them first, one is still a baby but I am much closer to the older two than their other grandmother. I am the one who picks them up from school, looks after them when their mum is working shifts, had them placed with me by SS when mum had severe PND, takes them on holiday. Big deal she saw them first, I wouldn't swap places even though I do get tired sometimes. Some people are fair weather grandparents.

RiverTam · 07/07/2015 21:37

I think your age is very pertinent here, I think if you'd included that in your OP you would have got a different response.

Talk it through with your DH but the main thing is try not to stress about it, in the grand journey of parenthood it's a very minor thing.

cees · 07/07/2015 21:39

Ah Icepickle yanbu, not at all.

Of course its OK to want your Mum there first for some hugs and emotional support. Get yourself settled and sorted before everyone else comes.

I see nothing wrong with what you are planning.

DidILeaveTheGasOn · 07/07/2015 21:41

Op, I hope you're feeling okay in the midst of all this. Please remember that you are very important throughout this process and what you want matters a great deal.

You need to make a judgement call based on your needs.

This is not about anyone else, not at the core of the decision. Be prepared to state what you want, firmly, and stick by it. Actually, some of the best advice for positive post natal mental health focuses around the mother having an element of focus and control in the circumstances surrounding delivery and post natal care, thus arguably if you make a decision for the best of everyone else, whilst feeling vulnerable, it might be more upsetting for you to have to deal with that, than it would be for anyone else to meet the baby before or after anyone else. You're not a delicatessen, your baby is not a big lump of cheese that someone is waiting in line for. What matters is you, and your baby, and your DH. In that order. Grandparents come after.

(And I say that as a mum to a girl and as an expectant mum to a little boy.)

liquidrevolution · 07/07/2015 21:42

YANBU. I don't need to justify why.

However, please leave all this worrying until nearer the birth as lots of things can happen unexpectedly remembers emergency c section at 2am and the fact my DM was called in to take over after my DH couldn't 'take anymore' Hmm

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