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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To want to see my family before my in laws after the birth?

262 replies

Icklepickle101 · 07/07/2015 17:43

Me and dp are expecting our first and this is becoming quite controversial.

I am adamant I don't want either family at the hospital but when we get home I want my mum to be our first visitor.

I know MIL will bring my 11 year old SIL with her who is very annoying over excitable at the best of times and I know after I've just given birth I will have very little patience with her and they are bound to outstay their welcome.

AIBU to want to see my mum and settle in at home before having the In laws round?

OP posts:

MagicMojito · 08/07/2015 00:12

I really hope OP has hidden this thread

for you if you are still reading. You really are not being unreasonable at all.

5madthings · 08/07/2015 00:17

Yanbu and I say this as the mother of four boys!

I know any future dils will probably want to see their parents first and may even want me to wait a few days, and I will respect that because I remember what it was like and she is priority as she has given birth!

I hope I am bringing my son's up well enough that they support their partners at their most vulnerable time.

When I had ds1 my dhs aunt, uncle and mum turned up to the hospital, mil wasn't going to but dhs aunt brought her. I had had a three day labour after weeks of excruciating spd that had led to me being hospitalised, a failed induction at 38wks, to then be induced again once overdue. I was tired, sore, trying to get to grips with bfeeding, bleeding as you do after birth. And it was overwhelming. My mil did bring me some lovely gifts, for the aunt though it was all about the baby, passing him about when he just wanted to feed and I wanted to rest.

They did similar again after ds2, with number three we said no wait a few days, ditto the next two but aunt was hugely offended by this.

My parents visited once I was home from hospital and settled, they did the same with ds2, mil came to hospital after ds2 but she brought ds1 as she looked after him. Fir ds3 I was discharged after three hours, my dad was looking after the elder two, so he welcomed us home, made tea etc and left us in peace.

With Ds4 a friend looked after the others, he welcomed us home and then left.

With dd I had to stay in a day or so, my mum looked after the others and on her way home she nipped in briefly to see me.

I intend to listen to my dils, I want to support them as they see fit and respect their wishes.

My own mil is lovely, she fussed because it's in her nature to worry, but she cares and is lovely.

Lateswim16 · 08/07/2015 00:21

5MadThings

Absolutely spot on post and totally agree. I have dss and dds and am just like you.

Lateswim16 · 08/07/2015 00:28

marshy

How ridiculous your comments sound and very narc.

Who actually would care or think they are second best?

My stbdil has a perfect right to see her mum first after giving birth, my sons have been brought up to support and respect their partners and giving birth is all about mum being cared for and supported by who she chooses.

How can anyone make a birth about them unless they pushed out the baby!

Lateswim16 · 08/07/2015 00:34

And bollocks is your age relevant.

I had mine from 21 to 36 and still wanted my mum.

wigglylines · 08/07/2015 00:43

YANBU.

If your DH ever gives birth, then he can have a say in who comes to visit directly after,

Until that point, it should be up to you.

Please don't arrange anything before the baby comes. Just say "I will have to see how I feel after the birth. Of course we want to see you, we'll let you know when we're ready".

Then explain to your DH that you may need your mum for emotional support.

tbh if he's at the delivery, he should understand by that point unless he's totally insensitive.

Roobo · 08/07/2015 01:00

What kind of arsehole would sulk and have a tantrum because a women who has just given birth wants to see her own mother/parents first?

When I gave birth to DC1 I was so so glad to see my mum (and dad) after I had given birth. I was drugged up to my eye balls, scared and in pain. My mum came in, stroked my hair and told me how wonderful I was

At that moment it wasn't about the baby. MIL came to visit the baby later.

sykadelic · 08/07/2015 01:35

From your posts it's obviously not about your DM seeing the baby first, it's about seeing you first after such an emotional/physical thing and your worry over MIL and SIL overwhelming you when you're vulnerable.

Having a baby is hard. Sure, it's your DH's baby as well, but it's come out of you. You are the one who's endured 9 months and labour. It's your medical procedure just as much as it's the creation of a new human. This isn't about the baby specifically. This isn't about your control over this new little human, but it IS your control over your life and the idea that this new little human doesn't mean that his (or your) family is suddenly able to do whatever they want when it comes to your life and time.

So I definitely think your solution about going to another room (say a shower/bathroom break/nap) while your DH and his family bond with the baby is totally fine. I also think there needs to be a time limit and your DH needs to be on board with that, because you need to nap. This is not a free-for-all for people to stop by whenever they want, or for people to think they can do whatever they want. You need to plan.

Honestly, the more I think about it, the more I think your MIL visiting first and THEN your DM will actually be better. Your MIL and SIL will wind you up, your DM will calm you back down. You'll be able to go to bed much more relaxed. Sounds like a great end to a day :) Plus your DM's arrival can help get rid of MIL :D

ChickenMe · 08/07/2015 04:53

I felt like this too. It's normal to want your mum. But don't over think it. Just get DH to Police SIL.
I had it all set out in my mind what I wanted. In the end I was ill and not up for visitors and then my mum was ill so couldn't be around newborns. I actually couldn't wait to show DD off and after nine days in hospital I was desperate for visitors!

Bluepetal1 · 08/07/2015 05:19

Yanbu but it doesn't work like that.
Tbh I only wanted my mum and sis but I had to suck up the inlaws staying for a week as they lived abroad. They came 2 weeks after birth. I really wasn't able for them but got through it.
Mum was is in my house waiting when I got home from hospital with dinner cooked , clean bed linen for us, house shining and she really minded me as I had a traumatic birth and was in a bit of state. She would just come and go until I didn't need her anymore. She was the same on the second.
In laws came again to stay but it wasn't as bad as I spelled out to them they needed to entertain themselves which they did and also were great with ds1.
The first time they stayed I really didn't want them but I shut my mouth as they were so excited , dh happy to have them and I am good mannered.

VeloWoman · 08/07/2015 05:26

YANBU OP, I have two sons and if I am lucky enough to have grandchildren someday I would do whatever my DIL was most comfortable with, because it's not about who's turn it is (what are we five!) it's about the wellbeing of the mother baby dyad.

When I was in pain, bleeding and very hormonal it was my mother I wanted, not anyone else, sadly she couldn't be with me and DH did his best but I spoke to her on the phone every day, because even though the baby was my top priority I knew I was her top priority.

Sometimes I think it's easy for a mother to feel ignored or like she is being treated as just a vessel and the baby is all that matters.

Do what you need to do for your own emotional wellbeing OP because a calm and happy mother is much more beneficial to a newborn than being shared about like a new toy that everyone wants to play with first!

clarinet9 · 08/07/2015 05:33

TBH it depends what you are talking about if you all live round the corner from each other then a few hours and everyone dropping in for a quick peep and a cuddle then fine. If you are saying they can't come for 3 weeks then YUBVU

and I say this as someone totally non contact with my MIL (because she was abusive to my children)

LuubyLuu · 08/07/2015 05:35

If you haven't hidden the thread OP, I would just play it all by ear, make no plans, make no commitments.

You just don't know what kind of birth you'll have, how you feel, how long you'll be in hospital.

I was resistant pre my first birth to visitors in hospital, but actually as others have said, it makes things a lot easier, baby is often very sleep the first couple of days, it's a controlled environment, people on their best (or better) behaviour, likely to come for a shorter time.

But you've also got to communicate with your partner so that he can get people to leave when they've overstayed their welcome, and do the running around after them when they do visit. It's one if the most useful and practical things a man can do post birth!

BeautifulBatman · 08/07/2015 05:40

I would want my mum there after. Saying that, I'm 40 and still want my mum when I'm ill too.

redcaryellowcar · 08/07/2015 05:54

Yanbu, I think I'd explain it to your do that 'you' need to have your mum there for practical stuff, if you can get her to help with stuff like bringing you dinner, helping change the sheets, wipe down the kitchen, it might be good to get your in laws similarly briefed, I hated the 'can i hold the baby visitors' as was exhausted and just wanted to curl up on the sofa snuggling my baby, if baby is sleeping, is be tempted to say let's not wake her. But does sound like excitable niece might manage that! I think ideally your dp needs to manage their expectations (yes do pop in for half an hour to see the baby and have a quick cup of tea, I'll give you a call when it would work best once were home' and then let him be the one to usher them out (or you take the baby upstairs for a feed saying 'sorry, I must go to feed the baby, I doubt I'll see you before you go, see you in a week or two, bye'
I think you might find once they've seen the baby that initial interest will wear off and your mum will be a continuing source of support.

LilyKiwi · 08/07/2015 06:17

I think being the person who has just flipping given birth, what you want does have some sway! It's not actually about the baby it's about you and who you want to see in the aftermath. If there was no baby involved and you were going for an operation and said you would like your mum to visit you at home straight away and then your mil a bit later would people think that's so unreasonable? The baby will be completely oblivious and one grandparent isn't going to be granted a greater bond for seeing the baby first, this whole mil oneupmanship is ridiculous! Do what you feel comfortable with.

ConfusedInBath · 08/07/2015 06:20

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Florrieboo · 08/07/2015 06:33

My older boy was born overseas so nobody from either family saw him for over 6 months, and we coped just fine. The younger boy was born in our home country and I cannot remember who saw him first and it really didn't matter at all. DD was born in our home country as well and it was over a month before my parents made the journey to see her (2 hours) and still over 3 years later it really upsets me. Who saw her first doesn't matter, but, it is nice to have family who want to see their grandchildren so be glad for that.

And yes giving birth is a big deal, but, on the other hand millions of women do it and get on with things. You might bounce back quickly, and not have much soreness at all, so don't expect to feel awful. For me it is always the emotional side that is more difficult than the physical side.

Sorehead · 08/07/2015 06:37

YANBU

You're the one who has given birth, you get to decide.

I had a long labour resulting in EMCS and PPH (wasn't as bad as I thought it'd be, and recovery was also fine so not 'horror story'). I was exhausted afterwards though from being woken every two hours for observations which never seemed to coincide with DS needing a feed It's natural to feel more comfortable with your own parents, and less like you have to make an effort (not worded very well but hope it makes sense) so for that reason I wanted to see my mum and dad ASAP but MiL waited until the next day.

I'm also my parent's only daughter and this was their first DGC, whereas DMiL (felt bad for her not having a 'D' because she is lovely most of the time) already had 3.

You should do whatever you feel comfortable with because it's not just about the baby.

Sorehead · 08/07/2015 06:38

Parents'*

for any other typos I've not noticed. I've been awake since 5am

diddl · 08/07/2015 07:20

Well ideally it would be great if OPs mum could turn up & fuss over her & MIL could come & fuss over baby!

Mehitabel6 · 08/07/2015 07:26

I think you are overthinking it. I don't know why parenthood makes people so controlling. Just go with the flow and see when they turn up.

GoblinLittleOwl · 08/07/2015 07:45

You need to sort your priorities.
The most important thing is your baby, not who gets to see it first, and
hopefully, when your baby is born you will realize this.
You don't know how you will feel when you have given birth, but you seem to be attempting to create a potentially divisive situation.
Expecting your in-laws to wait a few days while 'you settle in' is unkind.
Your partner can police the length of their visit, and that of your mother as well.

Inertia · 08/07/2015 07:45

I'm always taken aback by the vehemence of the 'just wait until YOU have a son and then you'll know how I upset I am about not being the first visiting grandparent' responses. It's not about you!

The patients are the mother and the baby. The baby needs his or her mother, or other caregiver (father, nurses etc) if mother is incapacitated. The mother needs whoever will help her recover. Everyone else needs to fit the needs of the baby and mother.

Fwiw my MIL was our first visitor with dc2. Can't even remember who saw dc1 first.

Squitten · 08/07/2015 07:51

I think you are overthinking it a bit and actually the smart move would be to keep everything casual and just tell family that you'll let them know when the baby has been born and arrange visits depending on how it has all gone. Birth can go so many different ways you just don't know where or how any of you will be afterwards so I've never understood making these complicated arrangements before the baby is even here! Setting yourself up for a lot of stress that way I think.

At the same time, your families have to be realistic. Unless you plan to make your Mum and your MIL walk through the door at precisely the same moment then someone has to be first don't they? As long as you aren't making your MIL wait a week then you are being perfectly reasonable.

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