To want to see my family before my in laws after the birth?

[Icklepickle101]

Me and dp are expecting our first and this is becoming quite controversial.

I am adamant I don't want either family at the hospital but when we get home I want my mum to be our first visitor.

I know MIL will bring my 11 year old SIL with her who is very annoying over excitable at the best of times and I know after I've just given birth I will have very little patience with her and they are bound to outstay their welcome.

AIBU to want to see my mum and settle in at home before having the In laws round?

I think it is easier to see everyone for a short visit at hospital visiting time. There is a definite time slot, and you can only have two at once (usually), so it can be fairly controlled and everyone gets a look at the new arrival (and then go).

It also means you can be distracted from everyone else's visitors who are usually worse

Why does a grown woman need anything from her "Mummy"?

I said mammy, not mummy. My baby was premature, I had a ventouse delivery and a blood transfusion. I wanted the person who cares for me and I make no apology for that. I'm adult enough to admit that I needed to talk frankly to someone who understands, cares and who I'm not ashamed to cry in front of.

I didn't need anything from my 'Mummy', I was an adult

A parent is for life not just for childhood imo.

When your sons are adults, does that mean if they want your support or your help for any reason, does that mean you'll refuse on the basis they're adults now?

OP - having been very close to my mother, I only wanted her there. To say you are being unfair is utter bollocks. I had stitches and was attempting to breast feed and had a catheter. I wasn't delighted for anyone to see me and certainly not someone else's mother. I suspect the majority of posters who think this is unreasonable are mothers of boys and dread this being the situation when their first DGC are born.

Don't worry ickle it's perfectly normal to want your mum after the birth and nothing to be ashamed of. I think you touched a nerve with a frightened mother of boys who doesn't understand the mother daughter bond.

I have dreadful in-laws and can really second the idea of having all the grandparents together at the hospital. That way there's absolutely no room for sulking, the hospital visiting hours (and the number of people to a bed) are limited, you are obviously a patient so can't wait on anyone. You could ask your mum to do what mine did and invite the in-laws for a special grandparents lunch beforehand just to heighten the sense of occasion? Take photos throughout and email them the very same day if at all possible. For us, this all had the advantage of meaning that my mum could visit anytime when we got home and it was seen as perfectly natural that she would want to help me out. No one thought of being put out because we'd made such a huge fuss already.

regrets starting this thread while highly emotional

Ignore the twatty comments OP. It's perfectly acceptable to want/need your mum there regardless of age, but especially if you're younger. I was 19 when I gave birth and some people on here ridiculed me for having my mum at the birth along with DP. I could tell the decision didn't go down well with ILs either but I wouldn't change a thing, I was so glad I had my mum there with me.

After the birth, all I wanted was DP and my mum too. I had the ILs come to the hospital but it was so uncomfortable, I'd given birth hours earlier and was still on the brink of a blood transfusion. I felt like I couldn't say anything though as it was their grandchild too, but actually, you'll have just given birth. You'll be recovering - your rights don't fly out of the window because people want to see a cute baby.

I never understand these threads. I just let whoever wanted to come visit at the hospital, it wasn't an issue. Then when we arrived home people popped in when they wanted, made me a brew, held the baby while I showered. It was all good. That was as a 19 year old with after a forceps birth and as a 26 year old after an easy birth.

MIL was at d s1s birth and saw him before I even did since I had my foot on her hip while I pushed him out. She even fed him his first bottle.

I breast fed ds 2 and it didn't make any difference to visitors

Welshmaenad
"Well have a fucking coconut "

I'm really shocked at the nastiness re woman wanting to see their mother after birth. Mine memory is fresh too. I came round from my GA and the yearning to see my mum was immediate. I managed to wait 24 hours as wasn't allowed visitors but I was desperate to have her there. I wasn't even thinking about my baby.

Are you saying women like me should go without that to allow a family love- in at their bedside with parents and in laws there?

My MiL is so intrusive that when they did come (same day, but my parents came for afternoon visiting and in laws for evening) that they stayed in my tiny cubicle for 5 hours AFTER visiting finished and were finally thrown out at 1am. I had to have a pad change in front of mil and pee in a bucket in front of her and at no point did she think she should leave us.

Even SHE said she understood a woman would want to see her mum
After giving birth.

Yanbu op. Giving birth is bloody traumatic, even when it is straightforward with no complications. I think it's perfectly normal and understandable to want somebody close to you to be your first visitor, you need the support.

Have your mil and sil round after, don't keep them waiting for too long! But listen really don't feel guilty about having your own mum there first. It is only one visit, your mil and sil will have plenty of chances (I assume) to see your baby for the rest of it's life. Straight after the birth is more about you than the baby imo.

Good luck op! X

Hi op. I have a stbdil and 2 sons and 2 dds. I would totally and utterly understand my dils wanting their own mothers to see them first and whenever they choose because I oniy want my dils to be happy and feel loved. I would vist when they asked me and I think that's the way it should be.

WTAF with any pecking order or equal time. Grandchildren are there got all your life ( please god) and no one gets much from a new born except pleasing it's mum.

My sons would support their wives wishes and choices. That's how I brought them up.

I wish you all the best and do what you want here. If you can't please yourself after giving birth and your word goes then that's shameful. Xx

Jesus Christ, YANBU! You aren't saying you don't want your MIL to not see the baby until weeka after your own DM - you're just saying that whilst YOU recover from a massive physical effort that you want your DM there too support you. Your baby won't have a clue what's going on - if seeing your own Mum an hour or two before you see your DH's Mum makes YOU feel better then you should bloody well go for it.

I get where you're coming from, I wanted my mum after the birth of both of my DSs.

But I would never have told DH that his mum had to wait. As it stands, MIL lives a lot further away than my mum, so it took her longer to get there, but if she'd arrived first, she'd have seen them first.

Don't turn it into an obvious first and second class grandparents contest or I can guarantee you'll be back in five years complaining MIL never offers to babysit.

Catrin I am a mother of a ds as well as a dd. I posted earlier that I can understand that when a woman may be feeling at her most vulnerable, she may want the support of her own mum. I would understand that a future DIL of mine may feel this way and I hope that if my own DD needed me as an adult, I would be there ready to do what's needed.

But maybe I see it this way because of my own experience. When I had ds, in the first few weeks I really wanted my mum around to just reassure me. But she made different choices. And guess who stepped up to the plate? My lovely MIL.

It really doesn't matter though what I experienced and think now. What's important to the OP is probably feeling supported without causing a family rift.

Rave what a totally vile woman your mil sounds. Bloody awful.

I agree with the PP who said don't rule out visitors in hospital - it's a much more controlled environment.

I had DD by EMCS at 10.12am. My parents were invited in for 6.30pm, the ILs & great nan in at 7pm with visiting time finishing at 8pm.

It was just enough to share the excitement but not be too overwhelmed & even DH, who can be a bit of a Mummy's boy, and MIL, who can be a little demanding were fine with my parents being there first. In fact I didn't even have to discuss it with DH - he arranged it that way himself.

Wow, what snidey comments about wanting your Mum (or Mam ).
I'm lucky enough to have a lovely Mam and despite being an adult I still welcome her help. I help her out and she helps me.

I'm quite torn, because I feel I can see both sides of the debate.

See how you feel, OP.

Maybe you'll want to show your new baby to the world, maybe you'll want to hide from it.

FWIW when I was pregnant, I found various people to be very supportive, and I felt close to them. Other people (my BF for example) didn't get it "right" for me, and it didn't bring us closer, even though we both expected it would.

Similarly when your new baby comes, you might find your mum doesn't get it right for you and your MIL does. Or the other way around or a mixture.

So wait and see.

All the best with it and hope the birth goes well (it's just like shelling peas, dontcha know!)

If any mil/fil turns a daughter wanting to see her own mother first into some sort if competition or setting of pecking orders then they must be unhinged.

I wanted my mum. My dds will probably want me. If my dils want me I would be there but only when wanted.

its not about anyone else but the woman who has given birth and her needs

I came round from a general anaesthetic having had a nasty forceps delivery and third degree tear - took one look at dh, asked where my mum was and burst into tears when I was told she wasn't there! I think its entirely natural to want your own mum after giving birth - emotions are all over the place. Let the mums visit you in hospital - visiting times are usually short and you can nap if its all becoming a bit too much.

Just have visiting at the hospital then SIL probably won't be allowed in anyway(usually only new babies siblings), if MIL chooses to wait until you get home so she can bring SIL then it will all work out how you want anyway.

I've had 3 DC and didn't plan visitors they just turned up when they got there and whoever was first saw them first it's really no big deal.

The snidely comments about wanting mum are a bit sad really.

Sure I didn't want mum to stay or anything but to be there for me afterwards then yes.

YANBU. Yes the grandmas are equal etc but your wellbeing is very important too - you'll have just been in horrendous pain and trauma, knackered, feeding round the clock and very sore still. You'll have earned the right to have your way on this one. Don't forget it's about you too!

MN is so detached from real life sometimes - I don't know anyone who didn't want their mum there first after giving birth.

ROFLMAO @ 'have a fucking coconut' !

I was glad my mum saw DD first. It was just all a bit surreal (probably the morphine) & anything else would have seemed weird.

It was also my parent's first grandchild (MIL already had DNiece & nephew) & MIL has no daughters & a very 'stiff upper lip' buck up & get on with it attitude which I couldn't have coped with if she'd started (actually she was lovely).