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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To want to see my family before my in laws after the birth?

262 replies

Icklepickle101 · 07/07/2015 17:43

Me and dp are expecting our first and this is becoming quite controversial.

I am adamant I don't want either family at the hospital but when we get home I want my mum to be our first visitor.

I know MIL will bring my 11 year old SIL with her who is very annoying over excitable at the best of times and I know after I've just given birth I will have very little patience with her and they are bound to outstay their welcome.

AIBU to want to see my mum and settle in at home before having the In laws round?

OP posts:

saintlyjimjams · 07/07/2015 18:18

YABU

I really didn't get on with my MIL - decade & half ago. She saw ds1 first & fell in love as only a granny can & it was fine. She was driving me mad making a fuss about was I okay with her arriving first (with her sister as well). Don't start causing problems about things that really don't matter - there'll be enough to fall out about that does matter in the future!

yorkshapudding · 07/07/2015 18:19

Good grief, if you can't be a little bit selfish when you've just pushed a baby out of your foof when can you?? I think it's perfectly reasonable to not want a hyperactive 11 year old bouncing around when you've just given birth. They don't allow children who aren't baby's siblings on many recovery wards anyway so you might not have to worry about that. I also think that it's normal to want to be surrounded by people you feel calm and comfortable with when you've just gone through childbirth for the first time so I can see why you would want your Mum around first but you need to think about whether this will be worth any drama/resentment from IL's in the long run. I understand how you feel because I have a polite but not at all close (although not for lack of trying on my part) relationship with my IL's so the thought of having to make awkward small talk with them when I was bleeding, exhausted and trying to get the hang of breastfeeding was not at all what I wanted. In the end we decided that we would invite both sets of grandparents to visit the hospital straight away but asked that once we got home we be allowed two or three days to ourselves to recover and bond with baby. I would rather have had some time with my own parents first but I knew that trying to prioritise one set of GP's over another would cause more trouble than it's worth.

Raveismyera · 07/07/2015 18:19

Someone has to see the baby first don't they? Unless they arrive at exactly the same time. I don think it's a big deal at all to want your mum there asap

LokiBear · 07/07/2015 18:20

YANBU. You are the one who will have given birth, it us perfectly natural that you will want to see your mum. I know that my sils felt exactly the same as I did. MIL was the first visitors to her dd. She was also the first to us but we invited everyone at the same time (I was high on endorphins and temporarily a little insane and thought I was superwoman). My MIL left as soon as my parents arrived. We didn't ask them to they just insisted that they'd give us space. At the time it seemed like a kind offer but then she sobbed to everyone who would listen that it was unfair because she wouldn't be as big a part of DD's life as my own mum. Do not feel bad, just make sure that the ils aren't kept away too long x

Kerberos · 07/07/2015 18:20

Yep. What Welsh said. It's not about your brand new DC it's about you.

However it has the potential to kick off big time. Can you be very noncommittal? You won't know anything until baby is here. Could be a c section - might be a long labour - could be a sneeze birth. Once baby is here you can make a judgement on how you are feeling. If you need your mum then go with it. Otherwise try to accommodate both.

Although my mum and MIL waited together at the hospital to meet DD at the same time literally minutes after my c section - and I was pleased to see them both.

ninaricci · 07/07/2015 18:21

If MIL does bring SIL, I would immediately remember that I'd forgotten something from the shop and could you ask her a massive favour and would she please go and get it for you?

Depends on having somewhere in walking distance though.

Naty1 · 07/07/2015 18:22

My mum saw dd first (was at birth) and will see dc2 first i expect. Mil already had a GC and i assume saw that 1 first. Not that i think that matters.
Tbh your own family are less likely to annoy you when you may be tired and grumpy after a long labour.

eltsihT · 07/07/2015 18:23

I really didn't want to see my mil after giving birth bit seeing the in the 2hr slot the hospital had for visitors was perfect my mum came for an hour and Dh parents came for the second hour, and there was a bit of overlap. I then enjoyed time with my mum at home when I went home.

Slowtrain2dawn · 07/07/2015 18:25

Yanbu at all. Mother and newborn baby are a unit straight after birth. Your emotional wellbeing is paramount. It's totally fine to want to see your mum first. My in laws didn't even think to come round before my own mum. I would say only one or two visitors per day so in laws could still come the first day you are home provided you feel up to it. They are the ones indulging in "ranking" if they insist on coming first. It won't effect baby if they come day 2!

Bellebella · 07/07/2015 18:27

My mum was there when I had my son and as it turned out my mil did not see him for a few days. I struggled after childbirth, I really did so there was no way I wanted any visitors unless I was extremely comfortable with them see me at my lowest.

I think it's natural to go to your mum more than your mil regarding children. I love my mum to bits, my mil I have had some minor issues with. But I trust my mum, she is the one I phone when my son is ill and I don't know what to do, or if my son is just driving me nuts that day and I know she won't judge but will take him out for half an hour. I am currently off with ds and we see my mum a lot whereas we only see mil for an hour each week. My oh is not close to his mum to be honest, he sees his mum once a month, actually before last week, he had not seen his mother for 6 months
If I have a dil, then I would completely understand that a, she has her own mother and will likely want her there first. It does not matter in the grand scheme of things.

lunar1 · 07/07/2015 18:29

My mum picked up my mil and they came together. I'd let them visit together at the hospital for the first visit. You can say no children allowed and the midwives can limit the visit to an hour. That way your mil has the option of seeing your baby at the same time as your mum. It's much easier to control the situation while you are in the hospital.

wishingchair · 07/07/2015 18:30

In my experience having visitors in hospital was lovely. Someone else to hold the baby whilst I shuffled to the loo. Plus I was pumped full of adrenalin so loved seeing people. My BIL and family (inc their kids who were about 10 and 12 at the time) came to visit the day she was born (DD was born very early hours) and it's lovely knowing they held her when she was so tiny. Despite the age difference, they are all very close. Just prep your DH to say the visit needs to be short then everyone's happy.

were

redskybynight · 07/07/2015 18:32

Not the question you've asked I know - but you might want to consider how frequently your mum and MIL will be seeing baby once born. If you currently see your mum very frequently and in-laws less frequently this has the potential to really kick off once baby is in the equation.

Bonsoir · 07/07/2015 18:33

Much easier to have visitors in hospital than at home!

Barefoot789 · 07/07/2015 18:36

I'd also second it's not such a bad idea for them to come to the hospital.
Visits are time limited, there are no expectations of cups of tea etc for visitors and it gets the much anticipated first visit out of the way.

TheCraicDealer · 07/07/2015 18:36

If you're saying that you're not denying them the chance to see the baby and that they might even be there on the same day then I don't really see why it matters who trots up at the house first. In fact you might appreciate the In Laws coming over earlier, then when your mum arrives that will be a natural 'end' to their visit. And if they don't get the hint your mum will be able to suggest that they leave "to give you a bit of a rest", before helping you settle baby.

Sticking to your guns on this will only lead to sour grapes, and the fact you're happy for them both to be there the same day just seems like you want your mum to see the new arrival first. I can see why you want that but it's going to cause a lot of ill feeling.

ApocalypseThen · 07/07/2015 18:38

I totally understand where you're coming from, OP. When I gave birth I wanted my mammy. She visited the baby but mainly she visited me and she wanted to look after me. She didn't need me to put on my best face, use any energy or anything like that. Her main concern was that her baby was ok!

AcrossthePond55 · 07/07/2015 18:40

I don't get what the big deal is, but then again my MiL was a true gem (as is my own mum). I miss MiL so much.

When DS1 was born my mum was the first one to see him, when DS2 was born, my MiL was (she was working where I gave birth). Nothing planned, it just worked out that way. They were both so happy for me that I felt equally as precious to both of them, and they felt equally as loving and caring to me.

The arrival of a child should be a common bond that unites us as women and as mothers, not a dividing line of 'who sees who first'. Of course, if you don't have a good relationship with your MiL, things may be different for you. But perhaps this could be a time to 'build a bridge' if you've been looking for one?

Now, as far as an excitable 11 year old, that may be a different thing. My DN was a bit younger when DS1 arrived, so DSis brought her in the day after we got home for a quick 'peek' and some cake and then took her home. DS1's paediatrician advised that children (infectious little buggers as they are) be kept away from him for two weeks as he was 7 weeks early. Could you perhaps tell MiL the same thing (regardless of when baby arrives)?

MagicMojito · 07/07/2015 18:43

Oh OP I fear you may regret starting this thread!

I started a similar one when dd1 had been born and even though it was about 50:50 yabu/yanbu a lot of posters absolutely tore me a new one and made me feel utterly shit.
I may have actually cried

For what it's worth I absolutely don't think you are being unreasonable. As much as some people on here think giving birth is a walk in the park and something not to be so precious about its actually a big fucking deal to most people out there in RL.

You should be doing whatever you need to feel comfortable and your dp should be supporting you in that.

LucilleBluth · 07/07/2015 18:44

YABU op......I also think you are being unreasonable about your DHs little sister, but it seems I'm alone in that. But I've got 3 DCs and I'm racking my brains to think who saw who first.

Bannerstaying · 07/07/2015 18:45

As much as i care not for my dh family i would be more put out if they chose to snub me in the way you are doing. How would you feel if your dh said he wants his mother to be the first to visit at such a special time? I agree with others but understand how you would want your mother to be first but this is a special time for everyone you and your dh adding to the family isn't it? Power naps if you could bear to part with your LO may be the way.

Sixweekstowait · 07/07/2015 18:48

Of course YANBU. The idea that your mil and mum are equal to you is absolutely rubbish. This is about you I would have killed my dd if she had seen mil first

Sixweekstowait · 07/07/2015 18:49

And the reason it's about you is because you have given birth

MrsGentlyBenevolent · 07/07/2015 18:57

If it was just a case of 'I want my mum more than his mum', I'd probably be saying yabu. However, I remember my siblings at 11 (not much older than that now), and I can't think of anything worse than them being over excited at that age when in pain and tired. So, if sil has to come straight around when mil does, I'd take the opportunity to sleep, or at least lie-down. Say to sil she has to be quiet as you've had a baby, and need your rest.

In terms of who comes first - well someone has to visit first! It's not like you are keeping people away, and to be perfectly honest you are the one who has to go through all that pain, I don't think you're awful wanting you mum straight after (and this is from someone who is n/c with their parents).

Honestly, if you can, I'd just have both mums at the hospital for very short visits. Only grandparents, no one else. That way, you can feel less guilty if you spend a bit of extra time with your mum, next time you see her.

Inertia · 07/07/2015 18:59

I would say that you probably shouldn't issue any decrees about visiting orders at this point.

However, after the birth, you might feel that you- as the patient- need support from your mum, totally irrespective of grandmotherly 'rights'.

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