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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To want to see my family before my in laws after the birth?

262 replies

Icklepickle101 · 07/07/2015 17:43

Me and dp are expecting our first and this is becoming quite controversial.

I am adamant I don't want either family at the hospital but when we get home I want my mum to be our first visitor.

I know MIL will bring my 11 year old SIL with her who is very annoying over excitable at the best of times and I know after I've just given birth I will have very little patience with her and they are bound to outstay their welcome.

AIBU to want to see my mum and settle in at home before having the In laws round?

OP posts:
honeyroar · 07/07/2015 19:00

I think you should have both mothers visit at the hospital but tell DH that it's just his mum and to make sure it is. Let both share the magic and special occasion. Then have your mum round when you want after that at home. So many mother in laws get pushed out, I feel sorry for them.

threenotfour · 07/07/2015 19:06

YANBU but have a plan worked out and explained or they will just turn up.

Could you or DP talk to your MIL and ask that she visits without SIL first perhaps whilst she is at school if it turns out to be a weekday. Then they both visit together a day later.
Return home then the next day your mum visits in the morning, you rest over lunch and MIL visits 2pm till 3pm or something similar?

Finola1step · 07/07/2015 19:07

I see this slightly differently.

YANBU to want the support of your mum at a time in your life when you may feel very exposed and vulnerable.

But I think you may have over focused on your MIL and SIL in your explanation of what you want. It is perfectly acceptable to say "At this point, who knows how I'm going to feel just after giving birth. I may feel ok or I might be all over the place and need lots of TLC. If that's the case, I will need mum. So I'm not going to make any promises. We will make decisions when we know how things are".

So your need to have your mum close is perfectly valid. Maybe think about a specific responsibility for MIL to help her feel included.

Tapasfairy · 07/07/2015 19:08

I didn't have any visitors for a week. It was lovely. I was very ill after dc1 and very drugged up so it was a good call.

When they finally came they stayed fucking hours and wanted waiting on.
Then they kept coming back every couple of days until I flipped.

Too many people want a claim on a tiny baby who just needs her mum.

MagicMojito · 07/07/2015 19:09

That's the thing though, as lovely as it is that a new baby has joined a wider family and everyone is excited to see it, let's not forget that some poor woman has either been cut open or has had to squeeze this tiny , lovely new baby out of her knacked body!

Can people really not understand that however fair or unfair it may be from their own POV the woman here might want a bit of a say in the first people she wants to see or feels more comfortable to see post birth?

WhyCantIuseTheNameIWant · 07/07/2015 19:13

Are there other considerations?
Do any of them work/need to take time off to visit?
Do any have to travel great distances.
As long as everybody gets to meet the new baby in his/her first few weeks, I don't think the order matters.
I guess your real concern is the 11 year old.
Encourage her to be calm and quiet, and "maybe" the baby will sleep on her for half an hour...
Either that, or you could find yourself out of biscuits/bread/rocking horse poo, and would any outstayed visitors be an absolute darling and pop and fetch them for you?

MsMcWoodle · 07/07/2015 19:22

You've been through all that.... You choose.

bigbumtheory · 07/07/2015 19:25

I don't think YABU OP, it sounds more like you don't want an over-excitable SIL there then MIL herself. I would invite them together afterwards when you are settled but on the condition everyone else comes by another time so SIL isn't there.

Roseotto · 07/07/2015 19:30

I get you op, but then I've just had a baby and it is still fresh in my mind. This was important to me each time. Each time I was lucky enough for it to work out my way - I think my in laws were understanding enough not to be knocking the door down after the baby's head had crowned. I agree it is a difficult point to make without sounding unfair.

Notso · 07/07/2015 19:45

God I can't remember who saw any of mine first. I was desparate for visitors in hospital as I had several nights in with all four babies. It's boring as hell even with a newborn to care for.

MissPenelopeLumawoo2 · 07/07/2015 19:52

I had my Mum at the birth. She then helped me in and out of the bath straight afterwards. No way would I have wanted MIL to do that. It is about you and your wants straight after the birth, YANBU.

MrsMook · 07/07/2015 20:04

YANBU. You probably won't be feeling your most perky after the birth, even if it's been a smooth delivery, it's still a tiring process and you deserve to feel comfortable with your visitors.

DS1's first visitor was my mum- DH collected her to bring to the hospital.
Ds2's was BIL. He was coming to the hospital, but we were suddenly discharged earlier so he came to the house. I didn't see him as I was exhausted and napped through his brief visit. He wasn't offended. He had a better visit with his family soon after.

Original poster
Icklepickle101 · 07/07/2015 20:09

Certainly a lot to think about.

I completely understand everyone is just as excited as we are to meet LO and I don't want to tread on toes or make anyone uncomfortable I'm just trying to do the right thing and make precautions.

I have been snappy with SIL and MIL before and it caused tension so trying to avoid any possibility of issues arising when I'm at my most fragile/sensitive

OP posts:
ppolly · 07/07/2015 20:10

My mum wanted to stay with us the moment we got home. I asked her not to, as I do not get on with her. My father was the first visitor and then my in-laws and it was my mil who helped us at home for a few days. My mum did come later and we had a baby-warming party. You arrange it however you feel most comfortable.

AccordingToOurRecords · 07/07/2015 20:16

This thread has made me sad. I have 3 sons, does that mean, should I become a grandmother one day I will have to know my place and stand to one side? I was thrilled to see visitors both in hospital and at home. I wanted to share my joy and show them my beautiful baby. I didn't need anything from my ' Mummy '. I was an adult.

ApocalypseThen · 07/07/2015 20:20

I didn't need anything from my ' Mummy '. I was an adult.

Well aren't you wonderful.

saturnvista · 07/07/2015 20:21

Accordingtoourrecords

Bully for you Hmm. If you inwardly compare your future DIL with your own model behaviour in this manner, you probably will find yourself standing to the side.

Nromanoff · 07/07/2015 20:23

Personally I didn't care who got there first. However pils live further away and are not the sort of people to rush and see their hv. They only see them prob twice a year now.

When I had my second my mum was there first because she brought ds. mum live round the corner and pils 2 hours away. They couldn't have ds overnight while I was in labour.

Sobit wasn't and isaue for us.

However sil did this to mum and us. While mum is not over precious she did take exception to being told she had to wait for sils parents to get there. Especially since she was the one doing all the running around helping when sil was heavily pg. mum did 6 runs to the hospital while she was in there because sil wanted stuff that she had forgot to pack. Mum didn't mind at the time but then got told she wasn't as important. While mum doesn't let it show, it's effected Her relationship with both dbro and sil

littlejohnnydory · 07/07/2015 20:25

I agree with according and I'm not a Grandmother, and have 3 dd's. Why does a grown woman need anything from her "Mummy"?

Cheby · 07/07/2015 20:25

YANBU OP. It doesnt matter one bit whether or not all grandparents are equal or not, what matters is that you will have just given birth, with all that entails, and in the situation a lot of people just want their mum to be there with them.
If men have birth then most likely they would want their dads with them. It's just life, it's not unfair.

I would have your mum round as soon as you are ready to help and support you and then ask MIL to visit for a short period at first, without SIL.

Welshmaenad · 07/07/2015 20:25

I didn't need anything from my ' Mummy '. I was an adult.

Well, have a fucking coconut.

My first birth was a premature crash c section and my baby was taken to NICU. I wanted my mum. My second birth was an elective c section, after months of prenatal depression. I wanted my mum. I am an adult, too. Adults need support. We aren't all as perfect pissing smug arses like you.

Original poster
Icklepickle101 · 07/07/2015 20:27

Considering in only just 20 and still in the process of completing the purchase on my first house, it's all been very very overwhelming and there have been a lot of years along the way, I thought it would be perfectly natural to want to see your mum after going through a fairly traumatic (?) life changing ordeal.

OP posts:
Welshmaenad · 07/07/2015 20:29

It is normal. Some people are just being twatty.

My sister is very torn about her plans to try for a baby because she will keenly feel the lack of my mums support, as she died last year. Adult women sometimes need their mums, no shame in it.

Chchchchangeabout · 07/07/2015 20:29

I think you have every right to see who you want to first as you are recovering from birth. I was a physical wreck and often half naked as trying to BF. I didn't want to see any family much personally.

Having said that at the same time I would try to think of your mil and her feelings and accommodate her as best you feel able at the time, given the above.

NinkyNonkers · 07/07/2015 20:32

I'm on the side of not needing anything from 'mummy', anticipating being fragile etc is all well and good but some perspective is needed.

However I do appreciate that not everyone feels the same way. I wanted calm, but to get back to a feeling of normality as quickly as possible. So apart from sitting down a hell of a lot more than normal (especially after losing in excess of 2.5l of blood with Ds...ouch...) life just kind of carried on. I really hate sympathy or pity or whatever so never wanted help or attention.

You may find that you feel the same. Or you may not, in which case I think you are within your rights to expect a little leeway. I would consider hospital visits though, much more managed and less imposing in a way.