to think that this friend is being unreasonable

[MoanaLisa]

A friend is getting married next Easter, I'm delighted for her and glad she's found The One. However. When she emailed me last week to tell me she was getting married, she said 'I'm telling you now so you'll have plenty of time to save up so you can't use the excuse that you can't afford to come'.

I am unable to work due to ill health. DH works full time but is on a low wage. After all our bills are paid we're left with under £100 a week for food, clothes, etc. My friend knows this. The wedding will be hundreds of miles away so we would have to pay for hotels and travel (around £1000 for me, DH and DS altogether). Then there's clothes and whatever - I have nothing suitable to wear. My friend is very well off and is having a very fancy wedding with a dress code, so we'd all have to have new outfits. It's simply not doable. There is no spare money to save, we're on our uppers as it is. And if we could save a grand, we would be spending it on essential house stuff (parts of our house are actually falling to bits). There's no point me asking her if she'll help - she's saying she's 'stretched' with wedding costs already (which may or may not have been a way of letting me know not to bother asking). Maybe she'll do what she did at her wedding to her exH when she charged every guest £50, including children - that'd help un-'stretch' things

AIBU to think she's being U? And that the wording of her email was a bit rude, too? It's not an 'excuse', it's just the way things are

I'm actually wondering if the bride has issued this invitation in the hope of 'persuading' the OP to do another load of invitations and favours (since she can't make it, perhaps she'd still like to be involved etc etc)

I think everyone has said what I was going to say already - just decline, and if she kicks off then just ignore her. She has certainly not treated you like a friend, and I have no idea why you would want to go to her wedding in the first place.

I find it hard to believe that she wouldn't feed you, especially after making her favors and cards(?!!) surely the catering staff would just bring you a plate of food? Are you exaggerating for sympathy OP?

Charley, she charged £50 per guest to attend her wedding, anyone who does that I'll do absolutely anything.

I suppose so. It's just bizarre!

It's a piss take for her to even expect you to pay that since she knows your situation.

She sounds like a user who is only still your friend because you remember too many good times past and give her the benefit of the doubt when she uses you.

Agree, she's not a friend. You need to be clear, but not go ott about your finances which are none of her business. So I would send " Thanks for the invite to your wedding. Sadly we still won't have the funds to attend even with the notice. But we wish you a great day and every happiness for your future you money grabbing excuse for a friend

So you sat at her wedding of 300 guests and you weren't fed because you hadn't paid. I'm sorry I find it a bit far fetched.

Yes

Just ever so slightly.

Her behaviour is unbelievable.

I don't think that its weird that you would consider letting her help you to get to her wedding. She is the one getting married in London (I don't know if she lives in Scotland near you or not?). If she is a good friend then she should understand your financial situation and if she wants you there that much then she should help. You shouldn't be getting yourself into financial bother because of it. People these days are so quick to assume that those of us that are struggling financially are just saying that. When you have children and are reliant on one wage things are hard, very hard. I have had a similar situation with my own brother fairly recently where he suggested that I was making out that financially I'm pushed now that I have a child and you just don't know what its like until your in that situation (which he isn't). Your friend is very privileged. Just tell he how it is, be very blunt with her about it. If shes that good-a-friend show her a bl**dy bank statement. Make her see that financially you cant come despite desperately wanting too and maybe the situation will sort itself. Either way she will know your not blagging x

But if she had really let OP do all that work for her and then refused to feed her at her previous wedding, why the fuck would OP want to go to her next wedding?

you made the favours? ? at your own expense? And she didn't get you a meal at the wedding as recompense? And now she's being Bridezilla about this her SECOND wedding and refusing to take any note of your circumstances ? I am concerned that you have been such a doormat to this person. perhaps you should think why you've danced to her tune in the past and think about how to avoid it in future.

So, for every party you've ever thrown you've paid any travel or accommodation costs for all your guests have you iamthedevilsavocado?

You don't have to pay for everyone to attend. But if you have that one special friend who you are desperate for them to attend and you know that they will never be able to afford to attend, then you incorporate that in to your budget for the event if it is something that you can afford.

Absolutely midnite! I hope most decent well- off brides/party hosts woulddo similarly!

Also OP she did not 'let you off' paying the outrageous 50£- if she truly let you off there would have been meal for you.... What she was humiliate you - and leave you hungr, whilst you had paid handsomely both in time /money for her invites / favours!

As a matter of interest did you calculate how much these invites/favours cost
you? My guess for 300 people - at least 150£??

OP, I'm sure you've realised by now that YANBU

I know someone who did what you did for a wedding - made all the favours and got no thanks. She got food (!) but she nearly got lumbered with the cost of a dinner the night before (long story) and after the wedding was over she told her friend "I bear you no ill will but I think this friendship is over". The so-called friend had started off saying she would pay, then she only wanted to pay for materials, then she expected my friend to organise a bunch of stuff at the dinner and on the day...

I have been shocked and disappointed by the behaviour of many decent people over their weddings, but this lady sounds like she has a real attitude problem, especially with the word "excuse". The point about how £100 might as well be £100,000 if you don't have it is spot on.

I think it could easily end up being £1000 once you've factored in train fares for 3 people, accommodation in London for 2 nights, meals for all that time, outfits, present etc. It's amazing how hideously quickly it can all add up.

why dont you charge her for the pleasure of your company

I would email her back and say i won't be using the excuse that i can't attend your wedding due to being skint, i won't attend your wedding because i don't want to.

She sounds like a complete arsewad. Charging people for her first wedding then making you feel like the poor relation by not feeding you. The Victorian theme sounds naff and awful too.

Perhaps she has treated all her friends so badly she is panicking that no one will come to her wedding so is sending out pleading/ emotional blackmailing emails?!

Did you email her OP?