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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to think that this friend is being unreasonable

198 replies

MoanaLisa · 07/07/2015 09:26

A friend is getting married next Easter, I'm delighted for her and glad she's found The One. However. When she emailed me last week to tell me she was getting married, she said 'I'm telling you now so you'll have plenty of time to save up so you can't use the excuse that you can't afford to come'.

I am unable to work due to ill health. DH works full time but is on a low wage. After all our bills are paid we're left with under £100 a week for food, clothes, etc. My friend knows this. The wedding will be hundreds of miles away so we would have to pay for hotels and travel (around £1000 for me, DH and DS altogether). Then there's clothes and whatever - I have nothing suitable to wear. My friend is very well off and is having a very fancy wedding with a dress code, so we'd all have to have new outfits. It's simply not doable. There is no spare money to save, we're on our uppers as it is. And if we could save a grand, we would be spending it on essential house stuff (parts of our house are actually falling to bits). There's no point me asking her if she'll help - she's saying she's 'stretched' with wedding costs already (which may or may not have been a way of letting me know not to bother asking). Maybe she'll do what she did at her wedding to her exH when she charged every guest £50, including children - that'd help un-'stretch' things Grin

AIBU to think she's being U? And that the wording of her email was a bit rude, too? It's not an 'excuse', it's just the way things are Sad

OP posts:
Original poster
MoanaLisa · 07/07/2015 09:57

Sylvanian I might just copy and paste that Grin. Seriously though. That sums up exactly how I feel.

MrsKoala exactly. Give me a two weeks or give me a year, unless I win the lottery it ain't going to make a blind bit of difference.

OP posts:
airforsharon · 07/07/2015 09:57

I'm agog at her charging people to attend her first wedding. Good grief. Why on earth did she do that?

Anyhoo, it sounds like she is an old friend but not a love-her-to-bits friend. If she was the latter you'd probably be prepared to do your best to go - thinking about different travel options, going alone, hiring an outfit rather that buying etc etc. But she's not, and you have good reasons for not attending. As you say, if you had money to save you have other priorities.

Send a card, wish her well. If she really can't understand your predicament then she's not much of a friend tbh.

TheChandler · 07/07/2015 10:01

Overnight bus to London and sleep on it there and back (its always full of people doing the same thing, and I've done it)? London does have youth hostels. Or campsite somewhere like Epping Forest and tube in? Or cheap b&b somewhere like Epsom or Esher and ditto?

Of course, she could be a vile, money earning, privileged cow. But equally she could be a woman organising a wedding, who wants to keep in touch with an old friend who is growing increasingly distant, and is running out of ideas of how to do so.

So I'm going to stick my neck out and say YABU for being so horrible about her wedding - if you don't like travelling and don't want to visit central London, then that's up to you. But no need to slag off your friend for simply inviting you to her wedding. And I'm honestly pretty shocked by the people saying you should "bin" friends for having the temerity to keep in touch. I have plenty of friends who have moved away and are all over the country and abroad, and like many people, I still keep in touch with them and occasionally see them.

Original poster
MoanaLisa · 07/07/2015 10:02

I can't go alone because I'm disabled and need DH with me, so that's not an option.

Re her first wedding - she 'let me off' (her words) the charge but I didn't get a meal at the reception. I wasn't disabled then so was able to travel alone, it was difficult but I got the money together for my fare and I stayed with another friend.

OP posts:
OnlyLovers · 07/07/2015 10:03

Chandler, are your friends in the habit of charging for attendance at their weddings? This in itself would be reason enough for me to ditch someone.

OnlyLovers · 07/07/2015 10:03

she 'let me off' (her words) the charge but I didn't get a meal at the reception.

She's sounding better and better. Hmm

Tuskerfull · 07/07/2015 10:04

This is nothing to do with how often you see her or how many times you've declined invitations to things with her in the past. She's a money-grabbing idiot who's putting you in a very awkward situation because she's too thick to realise it or too selfish to care. Don't spare another moment worrying about whether you're being reasonable or not - she is being UTTERLY unreasonable.

Degreaser · 07/07/2015 10:05

Excellent response Sylvanian

I'm not sure I would want to be friends with someone who charges people to attend their wedding (whilst comfortably off) and is capable of sending such ignorant, arrogant emails.

TheChandler · 07/07/2015 10:05

Well, just send her a card then OP, saying thank you for the invite, and sorry but its just not practical for you. Be polite (I'm sure you will).

If I got a message like that one Sylvanian so delightfully posted, I'd be thinking "wtf" and that it was sent by an utter loon.

Ohfourfoxache · 07/07/2015 10:05

I think I'd copy and paste Sylvanian's response too.

She is not a friend. And how do you know she isn't going to charge people to attend this one as well?

Cheeky bitch.

wannaBe · 07/07/2015 10:06

I'm Confused at how anyone thinks it would cost a grand to spend a night in London. Premier inn for £150 or so, outfits don't have to cost the earth plus travel costs, you could get the bus or even train if you book super advanced tickets. All told you could probably easily do a weekend in London for £300.

I don't see what's wrong with someone giving a lot of notice because they want a friend to be able to attend their wedding. Some of the replies on here are pretty unpleasant tbh. She's not responsible for your financial situation, but even if you can't afford to go then just say that "I'm really sorry, but even with nine months notice there's no way we would be able to save the money," But I think that you just don't like her very much and this is a convenient excuse to be nasty about her.

EhricLovesTheBhrothers · 07/07/2015 10:08

She's an awful person!
I'm standing by my advice to bin her off

yellowdinosauragain · 07/07/2015 10:08

If you really wanted to go you could do it for a lot less than a grand. Buses are cheap or if you book trains 13 weeks in advance when the tickets are released you can get some great deals. Add a family and friends railcard and you can increase the discounts still further. Primark, charity shops or borrowing from friends and you'd have outfits sorted. And ask the bride if she has any family or friends who live local to the wedding that could put you up. If you go on your own you could do it for less than £100, or saving £10 a month, if all of that comes off. If this isn't possible then there is no option but to decline, but it definitely doesn't have to be as expensive as you posted.

That said, Yanbu to be fucked off at the tone of her email, or to send sylvanian's reply. Expect to lose her friendship though, because someone with such little insight to send her initial message just won't get it it. Only you know how much of a loss that would be.

yellowdinosauragain · 07/07/2015 10:09

Cross posted about not being able to go alone

Original poster
MoanaLisa · 07/07/2015 10:09

TheChandler I email her regularly but she's very busy and rarely replies. She was due to come and visit me last year but cancelled at the last minute because the offer of a cheap holiday came up. I used to write her letters but gave up when she didn't reply. I have tried to stay in touch.

I don't think she's vile, or privileged. I do think she doesn't understand my situation.

I'm disabled so camping is not an option, neither is travelling alone. Even the coach to and from London and cheap B&Bs/Travelodges would cost hundreds which we don't have. I'm not being horrible about her wedding - I wish her every happiness and I'm so happy for her. I just wish she would be more understanding.

OP posts:
mickeyfartpants · 07/07/2015 10:13

You don't even need to spend £150 at a travel inn. There are very central (and nice) hostels which do private rooms for £50 - the YHA for instance. I believe there is an over night "luxury" coach now too.

Although that said, if you are disabled it is a heck of a pain in the arse. So while its do-able, do you actually want to for someone who is so lacking in concern for you?

Duckdeamon · 07/07/2015 10:13

Just politely decline now and if she gets angry or ends the friendship that's her (unreasonable) choice.

JinglyJanglyJungleBigGameTours · 07/07/2015 10:15

She's sounding worse the more you post OP.

Original poster
MoanaLisa · 07/07/2015 10:15

Three people, or even two, two nights in London (would have to be as couldn't travel back the same night), plus tube fares and clothes, even Primark ones (if they fit the dress code which is 'Victorian'), would cost in excess of £600 at the very least. But even if it were £200 we still wouldn't be able to save it. I'm not using her wedding as an excuse to be a bitch, but I will admit that it feels like the culmination of years of her just not understanding my circumstances.

OP posts:
LadyCuntingtonThe3rd · 07/07/2015 10:15

I'd probably answer "Sorry, have plans for these dates already - washing my hair and ironing my shoelaces"Grin
But I'm a bit bitch like that.

HaleMary · 07/07/2015 10:17

Chandler, nothing in what the OP has said justifies your unnecessarily snippy reading of the situation. I would go with Sylvanian said. The friend's sly suggestion that the OP's financial problems are a lazy 'excuse' for not attending is thoughtless at best, nasty at worst. A notice period can't produce savings when the money isn't there in the first place, and the OP is entirely within the bounds if reason to want to spend any spare money on house repairs.

NotSparta · 07/07/2015 10:17

Maybe tell her that.

Send a message back saying you are so happy for her but as you have only £x a week to spend on food and bills etc you don't ever have any left over to save, and if you did it would go on essential house repairs as I'm sure she understands.

It doesn't need to be rude or aggressive, just set out the situation.

Then if she responds and still continues to be ignorant, ditch her.

She sounds like one of those people who doesn't understand how actually it is possible to have so little money you can't save anything so she's assuming you're making it up.

Original poster
MoanaLisa · 07/07/2015 10:18

Mickey eleven hours on a coach would actually be impossible for me with my disability - I can't sit for long periods. Would have to be the train unfortunately.

OP posts:
Wotsitsareafterme · 07/07/2015 10:20

When I read the op I thought aww she really wants op to attend and is a bit anxious about it. Ha

Now I've read more of the backstory and the level of contact they have not bloody likely would I attend or maybe even reply to that email! The cheek of her!!

This is a thing with weddings now I believe that people have crazy expectations about how much guests are willing to spend or put themselves out for a wedding that is the brides vision or whatever. If I ever get married again it's mite important all my mates can come than whether it's magazine approved. Seriously eff that shit!!

Op don't waste another second thinking about this she is mad.

Tuskerfull · 07/07/2015 10:20

I don't see what's wrong with someone giving a lot of notice because they want a friend to be able to attend their wedding.

What's wrong is saying "I've given you lots of notice so you can't use the excuse of finances". Don't you see how that belittles the OP's situation, and makes it a really awkward situation for her?