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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to think that this friend is being unreasonable

198 replies

MoanaLisa · 07/07/2015 09:26

A friend is getting married next Easter, I'm delighted for her and glad she's found The One. However. When she emailed me last week to tell me she was getting married, she said 'I'm telling you now so you'll have plenty of time to save up so you can't use the excuse that you can't afford to come'.

I am unable to work due to ill health. DH works full time but is on a low wage. After all our bills are paid we're left with under £100 a week for food, clothes, etc. My friend knows this. The wedding will be hundreds of miles away so we would have to pay for hotels and travel (around £1000 for me, DH and DS altogether). Then there's clothes and whatever - I have nothing suitable to wear. My friend is very well off and is having a very fancy wedding with a dress code, so we'd all have to have new outfits. It's simply not doable. There is no spare money to save, we're on our uppers as it is. And if we could save a grand, we would be spending it on essential house stuff (parts of our house are actually falling to bits). There's no point me asking her if she'll help - she's saying she's 'stretched' with wedding costs already (which may or may not have been a way of letting me know not to bother asking). Maybe she'll do what she did at her wedding to her exH when she charged every guest £50, including children - that'd help un-'stretch' things Grin

AIBU to think she's being U? And that the wording of her email was a bit rude, too? It's not an 'excuse', it's just the way things are Sad

OP posts:
Tuskerfull · 07/07/2015 10:54

The bitch invited me to her wedding, showed concern over my finances and didn't work it the right way

She didn't show concern over the OP's finances. She showed concern over the OP's finances getting in the way of her wedding!

chairmeoh · 07/07/2015 10:55

If I'd been the only guest at a wedding not to be fed, that would be the end of the friendship. Surely other guests noticed you weren't being served?
Your friend seems to have the hind of a rhino, so you'll need to blunt when declining the invite.

shushpenfold · 07/07/2015 10:58

Send Sylvanian's reply....perfect in every way.

Original poster
MoanaLisa · 07/07/2015 10:59

Scoop I've already said that at the cheapest, if we could get cheap fares/rooms etc, it'd cost £600 at least. But she wants specific outfits and I'm not sure how cheaply that could be done. Thing is even £600 is out of the question. Any extra we can possibly save - a tenner here or there - goes on house stuff and, fro next month, we'll start trying to save a little bit for Christmas if we can. After that there is nothing else.

OP posts:
MrsKoala · 07/07/2015 11:00

Chandler - you know of worse wedding behaviour than charging guests £50 to attend and then not feeding the one you 'let off'? Shock Are you a researcher for a reality tv show on the worst weddings in history?

Pumpkinpositive · 07/07/2015 11:02

But she wants specific outfits

You wouldn't be a bridesmaid, would you?

Is this a themed wedding? Confused

whatlifestylechoice · 07/07/2015 11:08

Chandler I was the only guest not to get a meal at her last wedding because I was the only one who didn't pay. She was OK for money then, too - she charged guests so she and her exH wouldn't have to pay for the wedding (there were 300 guests) and could spend the money on a honeymoon instead. That's not me being a bitch, she was open with everyone that that was her plan.

Yeah, she's a total bitch. Tell her no.

MiddleAgedandConfused · 07/07/2015 11:10

Just say no politely. Doesn't sound like you would want to go even if you could afford it. If you've not seen her in 5 years, then she is not really a close friend anymore. There are lots of polite reasons you could use to say no.

FirstWeTakeManhattan · 07/07/2015 11:11

No idea why anyone is sticking up for the bride. She sounds thoughtless and crass beyond belief. Don't go, you have any number of reasons not to.

Original poster
MoanaLisa · 07/07/2015 11:11

Thank you all for your ideas with how to respond to her, I think I'll email her later. I know she will be pissed off and I'm not looking forward to her wrath but as DH says, I need to start standing up to her. At her last wedding i made all the wedding favours and invitations (I used to do a lot of crafting) because she asked me to. It was at my expense but I didn't mind, I was happy she asked me. However when she charged me to go to the wedding then told me that she'd let me off because I couldn't afford it, and then didn't have a place set for me at the reception - they waiter shoved a chair in between two other guests so I could sit at the table - I was pretty hurt and annoyed, yes. It was the first time she showed no understanding of my situation but not the last. So this time I will stand up to her, for all the good it'll do - I think I'm going to be the bad guy whatever I do Sad

OP posts:
urbinosparrot · 07/07/2015 11:14

I don't know why some people are being snippy with the OP. She has clearly explained her situation, she has also said she's glad for her "friend" (which proves what a nice person OP is, having read how she was treated at the first wedding).

Why keep insisting to her that she could go for £300 -£500 when she has said that they never have any money left to save at the end of the month? Even if it were possible to save that amount by making enormous sacrifices, there are certainly far more important things that such a sum could be spent on (e.g. house repairs, DS).

A wedding invitation is just that - an invitation. It is not a command. It can be declined. Declining should not cause offence. Insisting that someone make sacrifices for nine months, which will affect a whole family who are struggling financially, just to attend a wedding for a few hours, when the future bride doesn't even make the effort to reply to e-mails regularly, is definitely grounds for offence.

Original poster
MoanaLisa · 07/07/2015 11:14

Pumpkin no, not a bridesmaid. The theme is Victorian (she's a bit of a goth) and she wants everyone to wear Victorian-themed clothes.

OP posts:
ThumbWitchesAbroad · 07/07/2015 11:14

moana - tbh, she's not worth being sad over by the sound of it. Just let her go, send her best wishes and your invitation-decline, and forget all about it.

TheChandler · 07/07/2015 11:15

Are you a researcher for a reality tv show on the worst weddings in history?

No, I'm not. I just don't understand being so annoyed about being invited to someone's wedding. Just don't go, be polite about it, even though you're inwardly seething at their temerity. No need to send a chavtastic reply, worthy of the Jeremy Kyle show and get into a slanging match.

I must admit I find it astonishing that someone would attend a meal at a wedding reception and be the only person not to be served food. Did the other guests pass you any of theirs OP? And since you were not then disabled, were you really not able to get together the £50 that the other guests were so oddly, but presumably happy to pay? Didn't they gossip about it at the meal? Was the meal in lieu of gifts?

Sometimes, just sometimes, people invite to things they know they won't be able to attend, because they don't want to lose touch and don't want them to feel left out. Its unlikely this woman is the demon from hell, so perhaps she is guilty of using the wrong words, but she really cannot win, can she? She either invites you and annoys you or doesn't and will probably be criticised for that too.

ImperialBlether · 07/07/2015 11:18

How did the meal work out at her last wedding? Were you the only one sitting there without a meal? If so, didn't anyone ask why you weren't having a meal?

I reckon she's used the line "as an excuse" because she's still pissed off about that £50 from the last wedding.

OnlyLovers · 07/07/2015 11:18

Christ, I've just read your latest about you making her wedding favours and invitations at YOUR OWN expense. And then she made a big show of letting you off the fee Hmm but didn't feed you ... Why did you not cut her loose then?

She's a grade A cunt. Simple. Chandler and others saying the OP is being nasty about her, do you genuinely still think otherwise?

TheWitTank · 07/07/2015 11:19

The more you explain your friendship situation and her previous wedding the more I think you should just gently let this friendship slide.
I think that a polite but firm email now declining and wishing her well would be the best thing. You absolutely can't go clearly so no point delaying in telling her -hopefully she won't be a dick about it (a true friend would be understanding) but if she is, no huge loss really.

HermioneWeasley · 07/07/2015 11:19

You made all the favours at your own cost and didn't even get a CHAIR?!

This woman is not your friend. Seriously.

MrsKoala · 07/07/2015 11:22

aaaaah i see your point Chandler but that isn't the type of invitation the op has got is it? if it were just a normal invitation and she declined and that was that thn of course it would be fine. But in this circumstance the 'invitation' has come worded in rude manner, telling the op she cannot say no. And the OP now says she will be very angry when she says no. People are not saying say fuck off to the invitation part of it, they are saying say fuck off to the rude part of it and when the woman gets angry.

I have been invited to weddings i could not afford, i never would have said 'fuck off' i just declined and the person accepted it. That's not this scenario tho.

Pumpkinpositive · 07/07/2015 11:23

Pumpkin no, not a bridesmaid. The theme is Victorian (she's a bit of a goth) and she wants everyone to wear Victorian-themed clothes.

So your outfit would probably not be wearable again afterwards? Unless you're in a habit of attending Victorian themed events.

You're dodging a bullet here, OP.

muminhants1 · 07/07/2015 11:23

On the assumption that you want to go. Get outfits off ebay/charity shops etc as others have suggested.

Bus to London - there are very very cheap tickets and you could find you only need to pay £10 a head!

Accommodation - B&B outside London, you don't need to stay in the centre.

But that kind of remark would bug me and I'd not want to go! It's not for others to judge your financial circumstances.

martikaskitchenaid · 07/07/2015 11:28

You need to make it really clear to her, in totally non-emotive language, what your financial situation is, if you think she doesn't get it. Don't make it even remotely 'woe is me, you selfish bitch'; just tell her plainly, as in the previous very well-worded suggestion, that your budget doesn't allow for any saving beyond vital household emergency funds. Hence you know now that attending her wedding in London is an impossibility, so you're letting her know in good time that while you appreciate the invitation and the notice, you won't be able to make it. If she persists after that, then she's insensitive and you can drop her with a clean conscience.

Anyway, hopefully giving herself a year's notice to save up will mean she won't have to charge the guests this time round.

IrianofWay · 07/07/2015 11:31

"I never understood the 'plenty of notice' that people claim enables ou to spend ££££ on something. What difference does that make?"

Quite.

Too expensive is too expensive whether it's now or in a years time. And even assuming you could scrape the money together she's being very presumptuous to think you would want to spend it on her wedding.

Raveismyera · 07/07/2015 11:32

I'm struggling to believe she charged 300 guests £50 for her wedding tbhHmm

If that did happen though, and you made her the favours, and you didn't get a meal, and you barely speak to her or see her, you'd be a pair of mugs to consider yourselves friends.

I do agree that she sounds frustrated that you never come to things. You don't seem to have anything in common and you don't like her. I'd say it's best you just ignore eachother from now on...

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 07/07/2015 11:33

Note that the OP is disabled. Bus journeys may not be an option for her.

Victorian them is a right PITA, although you could go steam punk and get away with it. But you're not going so it's not an issue. :)