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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to think that this friend is being unreasonable

198 replies

MoanaLisa · 07/07/2015 09:26

A friend is getting married next Easter, I'm delighted for her and glad she's found The One. However. When she emailed me last week to tell me she was getting married, she said 'I'm telling you now so you'll have plenty of time to save up so you can't use the excuse that you can't afford to come'.

I am unable to work due to ill health. DH works full time but is on a low wage. After all our bills are paid we're left with under £100 a week for food, clothes, etc. My friend knows this. The wedding will be hundreds of miles away so we would have to pay for hotels and travel (around £1000 for me, DH and DS altogether). Then there's clothes and whatever - I have nothing suitable to wear. My friend is very well off and is having a very fancy wedding with a dress code, so we'd all have to have new outfits. It's simply not doable. There is no spare money to save, we're on our uppers as it is. And if we could save a grand, we would be spending it on essential house stuff (parts of our house are actually falling to bits). There's no point me asking her if she'll help - she's saying she's 'stretched' with wedding costs already (which may or may not have been a way of letting me know not to bother asking). Maybe she'll do what she did at her wedding to her exH when she charged every guest £50, including children - that'd help un-'stretch' things

AIBU to think she's being U? And that the wording of her email was a bit rude, too? It's not an 'excuse', it's just the way things are

OP posts:

MrsKoala · 07/07/2015 10:21

£100 might as well be £1000,000 when you don't have it. It is irrelevant if the OP could do it cheaper than £1000, or even £500, she doesn't have the money, even £100 to spend on an unnecessary expense. And when you are broke and your house needs repairing attending a wedding is an expense you cannot justify.

Original poster

MoanaLisa · 07/07/2015 10:21

Sparta I think you're right, and that she thinks I make up our situation as an 'excuse'. That's why I mentioned she was well off - not because I think it's a 'crime' as a pp suggested but because i genuinely don't think she understands what it's like to be poor.

OP posts:

Original poster

MoanaLisa · 07/07/2015 10:24

Tuskerfull exactly. It was the use of 'excuse' that upset me. Like me saying I can't afford it is a lie. I found that insensitive and patronising.

OP posts:

TheChandler · 07/07/2015 10:26

So would you feel better if she didn't invite you and just ignored you OP?

From what you have read, she comes across to me as a person who is trying keep in touch with an old friend who now lives far away, and is not quite sure how to go about it. She comes across as a busy person who is short of time, and feels a bit awkward about your disparity in fortunes. The charging for the previous wedding thing is odd, but she didn't charge you (and not getting a meal at a wedding is normal enough for many guests) and perhaps she was very poor herself at the time? Weddings are horrendously expensive.

True, she might not be going about this in the best way, but she does have her wedding to organise, and if she is also working, she probably has her hands full.

I don't get where all this hatred (and "fuck off comments - seriously?) is coming from. It actually puts me off inviting people to things now - imagining the comments about me behind my back if I make a simple invitation.

Tuskerfull · 07/07/2015 10:27

She comes across to me as someone who doesn't understand the OP's difficulties at all and thinks her wedding day is more important than someone's life.

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 07/07/2015 10:29

i still don't see that the OP has been remotely "horrible" about her friend's wedding.

yellowdinosauragain · 07/07/2015 10:32

Totally agree with this.

Not unreasonable for people, including myself, to suggest ways it could be done for less though, as the op's budget of a grand is massively over estimating it. It's now clear that it's not affordable full stop, but from the op it did seem that trying to find ways to make it affordable might be helpful.

HermioneWeasley · 07/07/2015 10:32

Sorry, I can't get past charging £50 to attend the first wedding, and then "letting OP off" but not feeding her!!!!!

chandler I have never been to a wedding where people haven't been fed. They may have been fed late or not enough, but they have always been fed. Even guests at the evening reception, there has always been something for them - from lavish buffets to bacon sandwiches.

OP, I think she simply cannot conceive of your circumstances, and thinks that everyone must be able to save given enough notice. I think you're going to have to be blunt....

TheChandler · 07/07/2015 10:33

Thumbs i still don't see that the OP has been remotely "horrible" about her friend's wedding

No, admittedly the combination of the "fuck off" type responses and the annoyance at being invited make it come across that way. I'm sure some posters on here think an appropriate response is "The bitch invited me to her wedding, showed concern over my finances and didn't work it the right way. So I told her to fuck off. That'll teach her!"

Alternatively, you could have a post saying "My friend didn't invite me to her wedding, even though it was only in London. She just assumed we couldn't afford to come. What a snob she is!"

The woman can't win. She's getting married. Any chance you can just be happy for her OP and leave it at that?

urbinosparrot · 07/07/2015 10:34

It sounds as though you don't really have much in common with your friend anymore. Your lives are so different that you''ve "lost" each other along the way. Time , distance and, most importantly, difference in circumstances often have that effect, I''ve found.

You are not close friends if you haven't spoken for 2 years or seen each other for five. Even if you could manage to scrape the money together from somewhere to go to the wedding, you would most likely not get to talk to her for more than five minutes as she will be busy with other guests.

If she is a true friend she will understand that it really isn't possible for you to be able to go. In fact, a true friend would never expect you to make such a huge financial sacrifice.

Wish her well, and tell her you''ll look forward to hearing all about it and seeing the photos. If she gets miffed, you won't miss her as a friend as she isn't part of your present life anyway. It's nice to keep in touch occasionally with people from your past, but sometimes friendships have run their course and there is nothing actually left but shared memories.

Don't lose any sleep over it!

TheChandler · 07/07/2015 10:35

Hermione chandler I have never been to a wedding where people haven't been fed. They may have been fed late or not enough, but they have always been fed. Even guests at the evening reception, there has always been something for them - from lavish buffets to bacon sandwiches.

I've been invited to the evening reception only several times, where its only been dancing, etc really, and not fed. I must have very poor friends I must be sure to chastise them at the next opportunity

Original poster

MoanaLisa · 07/07/2015 10:36

Chandler I was the only guest not to get a meal at her last wedding because I was the only one who didn't pay. She was OK for money then, too - she charged guests so she and her exH wouldn't have to pay for the wedding (there were 300 guests) and could spend the money on a honeymoon instead. That's not me being a bitch, she was open with everyone that that was her plan.

She doesn't feel awkward about our disparity in fortunes, she doesn't even acknowledge it. As for staying in touch, as I said previously I have tried and tried to do so. I understand she's busy and that's fine, though - I just wish she showed the same understanding re my situation.

As for the invite, I feel that something along the lines of 'I'd love you to be there if you can manage it but understand if you can't' would have been more appropriate than suggesting that my situation was an 'excuse' not to come.

OP posts:

HoneyLemon · 07/07/2015 10:38

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

MrsKoala · 07/07/2015 10:40

This was not extending a 'simple invitation' tho was it Chandler? Informing someone they cannot say no, have to save for a year and can't use having no money as 'an excuse'. Is beyond rude and crass. It shows she has no understanding or concern for her friends situation. That combined with the previous wedding example of charging people and then not feeding the OP who didn't pay, makes the 'fuck off' responses pretty appropriate in my eyes. It appears you are in a minority on this thread and are reading the situation completely differently to most of us.

HeyDuggee · 07/07/2015 10:40

If my "friend" didn't bother keeping in contact with me for two years, I would consider the friendship over, until effort from her to reconnect was shown to restart that friendship, be it phone calls or emails.

Nothing to do with whether I could afford to go to her wedding.

You need forget your finances and focus on the fact she's been a non-existent friend for years and your friendhip has only survived this long because of all the effort you've made maintaining it.

As the song says... Let it go....

TheChandler · 07/07/2015 10:41

Well, clearly you just don't like her any more OP. You think she's a pretty awful person, its clear from your posts.

As for the wedding behaviour, its not that bad (I've heard and seen worse) and I tend to give people leeway over weddings only. As its their day, and its not all about you but them.

sparkysparkysparky · 07/07/2015 10:41

At best she has a limited understanding of your situation (and the world ) and is so caught up in her wedding plans she's made a silly comment when she really means she'd love you to be there.
However, I think she's been stupid and insensitive. A person you've known all your life is not the same as your best friend. You've had a rough few years and a good friend would promise to come up and see you for a drink and a takeaway after it was all over.
And I haven't once been bitchy about people splashing out on their second wedding when their experience with their first wedding should make them more sober about excess.

Only1scoop · 07/07/2015 10:44

So you sat at her wedding of 300 guests and you weren't fed because you hadn't paid

I'm sorry I find it a bit far fetched.

HoneyLemon · 07/07/2015 10:46

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Only1scoop · 07/07/2015 10:49

I still can't work out how it's going to cost a grand then but hey ho.

Fact of the matter is you have no desire to attend whatsoever so just decline.

Sounds like sour grapes left over from last wedding show.

If she can get 300 people to pay 50 quid so she can swan off on a swanky honey moon then more fool the idiots who facilitated it....

Plus I'd like to employ her

JinglyJanglyJungleBigGameTours · 07/07/2015 10:50

The only thing I find far fetched is that 299 actually paid to attend a wedding. It's just so breathtakingly rude I'm amazed so many people attended.

Original poster

MoanaLisa · 07/07/2015 10:50

Chandler I don't think she's an awful person, but I do think she lacks empathy and is very demanding. Giving people leeway over their wedding is fine, but when your oldest friend makes you feel like a lazy, excuse-making liar because you can't afford to attend you have every right to feel hurt and upset.

OP posts:

TheFormidableMrsC · 07/07/2015 10:51

Some people leave me utterly speechless. Of course YANBU. I am also equally astonished at the amount of threads that are popping up on MN where it appears people are charging their guests to attend their wedding etc. It just beggars belief. When I got married, we couldn't afford a huge "do" so we had a very intimate one with about 10 close friends which meant we could pay for everybody to have a lovely day and plenty to eat and drink. It was perfect. He turned out to be a tosser, but that's another story.....

Just tell her you hope she has a lovely day and you look forward to seeing the pictures...cheeky cow!!!

Pumpkinpositive · 07/07/2015 10:52

Suggest you don't issue invites framed "no excuses now!". Then you should be fine.

I think Chandler is reading a different thread to everyone else. OP is in no way unpleasant or snidey towards her friend.

urbinosparrot · 07/07/2015 10:53

Oh my, OP, I''ve just read your post about you being the only guest not to get a meal at her previous wedding because you couldn't afford the £50 she was charging. I am truly , how absolutely vile! What kind of a person does that to someone they call a friend?

I honestly don't understand why you have bothered to pursue this "friendship" after that. She sounds awful.

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