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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to think that this friend is being unreasonable

198 replies

MoanaLisa · 07/07/2015 09:26

A friend is getting married next Easter, I'm delighted for her and glad she's found The One. However. When she emailed me last week to tell me she was getting married, she said 'I'm telling you now so you'll have plenty of time to save up so you can't use the excuse that you can't afford to come'.

I am unable to work due to ill health. DH works full time but is on a low wage. After all our bills are paid we're left with under £100 a week for food, clothes, etc. My friend knows this. The wedding will be hundreds of miles away so we would have to pay for hotels and travel (around £1000 for me, DH and DS altogether). Then there's clothes and whatever - I have nothing suitable to wear. My friend is very well off and is having a very fancy wedding with a dress code, so we'd all have to have new outfits. It's simply not doable. There is no spare money to save, we're on our uppers as it is. And if we could save a grand, we would be spending it on essential house stuff (parts of our house are actually falling to bits). There's no point me asking her if she'll help - she's saying she's 'stretched' with wedding costs already (which may or may not have been a way of letting me know not to bother asking). Maybe she'll do what she did at her wedding to her exH when she charged every guest £50, including children - that'd help un-'stretch' things Grin

AIBU to think she's being U? And that the wording of her email was a bit rude, too? It's not an 'excuse', it's just the way things are Sad

OP posts:
OnlyLovers · 07/07/2015 11:34

The OP has said clearly that she cannot take the bus.

Birdsgottafly · 07/07/2015 11:34

Mum, OP has explained that because of her disability, she cannot sit long enough to get a bus/coch.

I agree that it could be done for around £400, but it's still £400 that they haven't got. I do London on the cheap, for the Theatre, but it's part of my youngest DDs present, for Bday/Xmas/Easter.

I'm going on a family AI holiday, but I'm going without a much needed kitchen flooring and decorating, to pay for it, but it's worth it for Family.

OP, not to be rude, but are your benefits completely upto date?

scarlets · 07/07/2015 11:39

It's the "excuse" bit that would have wound me up! If she'd said something along the lines of, "I know money's a bit tight but I'm really hoping you'll be able to find a way", I'd be suggesting leaving DS with parents, finding a cheapy B+B, buying clothing on eBay etc. But she didn't, so I'm not!

oddfodd · 07/07/2015 11:39

Why are you friends with her? She sounds absolutely dreadful.

You've not seen her for five years or spoken to her for two! Just ignore the invitation. It's perfectly okay to go NC with someone because they're not very nice to you you know.

And I don't think she considers you one of her best friends at all, sorry. Some people like to collect people, like butterflies or something.

Perfectlypurple · 07/07/2015 11:47

I think the friend is out of order, she could have emailed and said she would love her to come but would understand it not.

A train from Glasgow to Paddington in 3 months time with one change is nearly £300 for 2 adults. If the child is over 5 it will be more. Also, it wil, be. Easter so probably more expensive. A travelodge room for 2 nights in central London adound Easter next year is between £60 and £70 a night, so at least £120. Add travel to and from the train station from home and around London for a couple of days that takes it to around £500.

Add on food, drink, outfit etc then yes, it probably won't cost a grand or more but still way more than the op can afford.

ImperialBlether · 07/07/2015 11:57

Do you think she's fucked off all the other guests with her last wedding and so is desperate for an audience when she marries this time?

ImperialBlether · 07/07/2015 11:59

I've just re-read this:

"At her last wedding i made all the wedding favours and invitations (I used to do a lot of crafting) because she asked me to. It was at my expense but I didn't mind, I was happy she asked me. However when she charged me to go to the wedding then told me that she'd let me off because I couldn't afford it, and then didn't have a place set for me at the reception - they waiter shoved a chair in between two other guests so I could sit at the table."

Why on earth were you still in touch with her after that?

tywinlannister · 07/07/2015 12:01

YANBU OP but there is no way this would cost "a grand". Presumably you have a disabled rail card? And your DH can travel as your carer? And flights are often cheaper than the train, I've seen Edinburgh to London for only £22.99. Airbnb has rooms for £35 a night in central london. So I agree with PP, if you are going to phrase it that it'll cost you XXX, make sure the assumption is about right because she could come back with something else (and say you are making excuses)

Essentially this would be a holiday for you. Tell her straight, you can't afford a holiday.

Lindt70Percent · 07/07/2015 12:03

I really like ThumbWitchesAbroad's suggestion:
Email her back and say "thanks for your complete lack of consideration and understanding, but I'll decline now to give you enough time to get used to the idea that we're not coming."

I don't think losing her as a friend would be much of a loss.

TheFormidableMrsC · 07/07/2015 12:03

What Imperial said...

Sazzle41 · 07/07/2015 12:08

Wealthy people have no idea what being seriously skint entails. Be very up front - down to amounts. She will prob. end up horrified and feeling rather mean.

ThisTimeIAmMagic · 07/07/2015 12:13

If this is for real I would simply send a short reply saying that you will be unable to attend but you wish her a wonderful day. Send a card but not a gift. Don't lose a minute's sleep over it and certainly don't lay bare your finances to someone with so little empathy unless you want her sharing the details with others.

GnomeDePlume · 07/07/2015 12:14

Wealthy people have no idea what being seriously skint entails.

Not all but certainly many people who have never had to worry about where the next meal is coming from just dont understand how tight a tight budget can be.

TreadSoftlyOnMyDreams · 07/07/2015 12:16

Reply saying that you'd love to attend and enclosed is the invoice estimate for your time and accommodation, so she can include it into her wedding budget Grin

Otherwise, Sylvanian's email I'm afraid.

ImperialBlether · 07/07/2015 12:17

Or you could say, "Are you kidding? I still haven't got over the humiliation of your last wedding! I'm glad you've found another Mr Right but I'm afraid I won't be there to witness your wedding."

Gemauve · 07/07/2015 12:21

A train from Glasgow to Paddington in 3 months time with one change is nearly £300 for 2 adults.

No it isn't. It's £184.50 plus the thirty quid for a two together railcard, which is valid for a year. If the OP is disabled, as I think has been mentioned, she may well have a railcard covering her and a companion anyway ("Disabled Adult Railcard") in which case it's just £184.50. Which is not "nearly £300". That isn't some exotic AP ticket (which can get it down substantially cheaper) that's just a straight Off Peak walkon fare.

OnlyLovers · 07/07/2015 12:22

just £184.50

For the love of God.

There's no 'just' about it. The OP cannot afford it.

RhiWrites · 07/07/2015 12:24

I like sylvaniansatease's message, (maybe edited a bit for brevity)

*'Right, well in return I'm telling you this now so that you'll have time to get used to the idea - we won't have 'time' to save up, because we do not have enough money, ever, to save.

We hope you have a wonderful time and we'll be cheering you on. But I am going to be 100% clear and say that we will not be able to attend.'*

Alanna1 · 07/07/2015 12:33

I think the key here is honesty and being realistic. Do YOU want to go? I can't tell from your post, only the focus on money. Your DH and your DC don't have to go. You could decide what you could afford (e.g -- £100??) and then decide if it is possible to get there for that. Have an open conversation with your friend. Tell her that you are incredibly short of money. Tell her that you'd love to come, but your DH and DC simply can't. Tell her that you still need to make a way of just you coming work. Ask her if there's anyone who could give you a free lift. Are there some other girls you could share a room with or camp with. Etc. And if it doesn't work out, and she doesn't understand that, then she isn't a good friend.

Only1scoop · 07/07/2015 12:35

To be fair you haven't seen her for 5 years. I wouldn't sweat this one Op.

Maybe she'll put the entry fee in last minute and you'll have to pay on the door Wink

RiverTam · 07/07/2015 12:36

OP, yanbu but I can't for the life of me understand how you could even be on speaking terms with someone who has treated you so vilely in the past. I would reply saying that given her disgusting behaviour towards you at her last wedding you have no interest in attending and leave it at that, cut her out if your life forever.

Only1scoop · 07/07/2015 12:37

Well yes ....what did you do at her previous wedding breakfast when the paying throng were eating?

Fiddle with the favours you'd created and made?

Or didn't you get one.

OatcakeCravings · 07/07/2015 12:38

You don't have to do anything, ignore the email and when you get the invitation decline - go to Asda or similar, pick up a wedding RSVP card for £1 and send it. Job done!

OnlyLovers · 07/07/2015 12:41

Alanna, have you not read or understood the OP's posts? She cannot go alone or camp.

Perfectlypurple · 07/07/2015 12:41

Hang on Gemauve, I got the information from the trainline website, which if you add a rail card, which we don't know if the op has does bring it down to what you said, if she doesn't there is still the cost of a 2 together which will add up to over £200.

In any case, it isn't a case of just £184.50. The op cannot afford to save up for this.