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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to think that this friend is being unreasonable

198 replies

MoanaLisa · 07/07/2015 09:26

A friend is getting married next Easter, I'm delighted for her and glad she's found The One. However. When she emailed me last week to tell me she was getting married, she said 'I'm telling you now so you'll have plenty of time to save up so you can't use the excuse that you can't afford to come'.

I am unable to work due to ill health. DH works full time but is on a low wage. After all our bills are paid we're left with under £100 a week for food, clothes, etc. My friend knows this. The wedding will be hundreds of miles away so we would have to pay for hotels and travel (around £1000 for me, DH and DS altogether). Then there's clothes and whatever - I have nothing suitable to wear. My friend is very well off and is having a very fancy wedding with a dress code, so we'd all have to have new outfits. It's simply not doable. There is no spare money to save, we're on our uppers as it is. And if we could save a grand, we would be spending it on essential house stuff (parts of our house are actually falling to bits). There's no point me asking her if she'll help - she's saying she's 'stretched' with wedding costs already (which may or may not have been a way of letting me know not to bother asking). Maybe she'll do what she did at her wedding to her exH when she charged every guest £50, including children - that'd help un-'stretch' things Grin

AIBU to think she's being U? And that the wording of her email was a bit rude, too? It's not an 'excuse', it's just the way things are Sad

OP posts:
BitterChocolate · 07/07/2015 12:42

This woman is not reasonable, rational or considerate. So any sort of rational explanation of your situation in the hope that she will understand is completely pointless IMO. She will simply think that you are just not trying and (ironically) will probably imply that you are selfish.

You say that you are worried about the fall-out, but she is hundreds of miles away and she can't be bothered to visit you so all you have to do is loose some of your ingrained politeness and not answer the phone when she calls.

Do you want to keep her as a friend or not? If not then a reply as follows means that she will never speak to you again. "I'm not convinced that this marriage will last any longer than your last. After all the (thankless) work that I put into your last wedding, I'm not going to be hauling my arse all the way down the country just to celebrate the beginning of another short-lived marriage." Grin I probably wouldn't go with that option myself, but it's funny.

If you want to keep her as a friend then you can get all Pollyanna on her ass. Say that you will not be well enough to travel that far. You won't discuss the exact details with her because this is all about the happiest day of her life and you don't want to bring the mood down. You know that she will be bitterly disappointed, as you are, that you can't be there for her big day but you will be there in spirit. When she send back an angry and accusing email, tell her that you can see that her words are angry but you understand that it comes from the deep, deep hurt of missing you and so you will let them pass as her happiness is your highest priority. Remember that she is not rational or reasonable so be gushy about happiness and the interconnectedness of everything even when you are not in physical proximity, but don't give any facts at all about yourself, neither financial nor medical.

TBH, I really had any sort of emotional blackmail and I would have let the friendship die a death around the time I found out that she wouldn't feed me at her wedding.

Gemauve · 07/07/2015 12:47

which will add up to over £200.

It will. But not "nearly £300". I realise the OP can't afford it, but I get frustrated at crazy prices for train tickets being accepted without question.

Cherryblossomsinspring · 07/07/2015 12:48

I just tell her congrats. And you will save what you can spare and see where you are at when the time of the wedding comes. And will do your best to be there. If you can't afford it at the time, then don't go. But at least try to save yourself the agro of her upset over the next 10mths by not getting into it now! shes probably just excited and a bit clueless.

sherbetpips · 07/07/2015 12:48

YANBU but would it really be ?1000? Would you have to go for the whole weekend as I cant see how it would cost that much for one night away in a b&b

vvega · 07/07/2015 12:49

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Perfectlypurple · 07/07/2015 12:51

gemauve it was nearly £300 without the railcard. I did not know about the two together card you can get. In any case it really doesn't matter -she cannot afford it.

Perfectlypurple · 07/07/2015 12:52

Are people reading the ops posts? She is travelling from Scotland to London and with the wedding,her disability and a child will need to stay 2 nights.

BitterChocolate · 07/07/2015 12:56

I think the fact that lots of people on this thread are working out how cheaply the OP can do the trip nicely highlights the pointlessness of explaining the finances to the bride to be. Why keeping telling the OP that she can afford this trip when a) the OP clearly budgets carefully just to pay for life's basics and b) the bride isn't worth spending 50p on even if the OP was loaded?

Gemauve · 07/07/2015 12:56

gemauve it was nearly £300 without the railcard. I did not know about the two together card you can get.

Yeah, one of the failings of the various websites is they don't suggest, for any off-peak fare greater than 45 quid per person, that two people would be better off getting a two together even if they never used it again.

It's more complex still if she has a Disabled Adult pass, because Virgin (who are the fare setter on Glasgow to London) will allow you to purchase and use a discounted off-peak ticket and then use it on any Virgin train (the same applies for 16-25 and Friends and Family). That doesn't apply for the Two Together.

If there were three of them, they'd use an F&F and then be able to travel on any train with a discounted offpeak. Sure, for the OP it's no help, but it is worth pointing out for others who might be reading this.

Similarly, for cheap accommodation in London, you can get decent central rooms during the holidays in UCLs, Imperial's and other universities halls, typically about £65 per night.

letsgotothebeach · 07/07/2015 13:00

If all this is true, why on earth would you even WANT to attend this wedding??

tywinlannister · 07/07/2015 13:03

I am not suggesting she can afford it. I am suggesting if she goes back to the woman saying she cant come because it costs £xxx (inflated/plucked from the air figure) the woman has grounds to say But you can do it for £xxx (real figure) and assume its an excuse.

If she's leading with finances being the reason she cant attend, she has to give a reasonable figure or no figure at all.

yellowdinosauragain · 07/07/2015 13:14

I think the fact that lots of people on this thread are working out how cheaply the OP can do the trip nicely highlights the pointlessness of explaining the finances to the bride to be. Why keeping telling the OP that she can afford this trip when a) the OP clearly budgets carefully just to pay for life's basics and b) the bride isn't worth spending 50p on even if the OP was loaded?

People are stating the op can do it for less because in the op she said it would coat a grand. Actually, you'd be hard pushed to spend half this. And actually it's important the op gets her numbers right (at the cheapest possible cost) because if she replies to her friend telling her she can't come because it will cost the family a grand, she is going to come back to her saying 'hey, I've found a way you can get here for £300! Looking forward to seeing you at my wedding'

yellowdinosauragain · 07/07/2015 13:14

Crossposted trywinnlannister. Yes, that

sparkysparkysparky · 07/07/2015 13:20

Forget the prohibitive cost, schlepping all the way down to London from where the op lives is exhausting, just so that Bridezilla can pretend she's a good friend from her childhood. If she was a good friend she would want to find a low key low cost way to celebrate with you that was separate from all this so-called Goth bollocks. Goths are generally the sweetest, most gentle, most accepting people you can meet. She doesn't sound like a goth.

IamtheDevilsAvocado · 07/07/2015 13:24

As others have said-can't tell whether you would want to go if money wasn't an issue?

HOWEVER, THERE IS NO WAY ON EARTH I WOULD GO - SHE IS VILE! I would drop her completely... How can a friend behave like this?

I can't conceive of her behaviour at wedding no 1.. Let alone wedding no 2 invite...

Why would she not be paying for materials for HER 300 wedding invites/favours, knowing you are skint.... And then not feeding you.??? After all your help...

IamtheDevilsAvocado · 07/07/2015 13:30

PS. If she were a decent human being she would be paying your travel and B&B costs - as she cared and wanted you there!

pearpotter · 07/07/2015 13:46

Just politely decline now.

yellowdinosauragain · 07/07/2015 13:49

PS. If she were a decent human being she would be paying your travel and B&B costs - as she cared and wanted you there!

So, for every party you've ever thrown you've paid any travel or accommodation costs for all your guests have you iamthedevilsavocado?

What a pile of horse shit Hmm. The bride shouldn't have been so rude in her email and should accept guests declining, for whatever reason, with good grace. But suggesting she should reimburse guest's expenses is ridiculous.

sparkysparkysparky · 07/07/2015 14:02

Yellow, I think the pp was talking about a unique situation where a close friend who's on their uppers might otherwise find it hard to share a special day. The bride, as a good friend, might make an offer of financial help so that an important person in their lives is with them.
Or, in this case, not.

lucjam · 07/07/2015 14:06

Gosh your friend really is a total bitch isn't she. She's not a friend she is a piss taker. You made all her invitations and and favours at your expense then she couldn't even feed you. Jesus get her out of your life, she adds nothing to it you don't need her.

You need to tell her straight that you aren't coming, you don't have to explain why you just let her know that you won't be coming and then ignore ignore ignore. Block her email address.

Good luck

Aeroflotgirl · 07/07/2015 14:11

I would tell her, I will warn you now in good time, that we cannot afford to attend. Her reaction will be evident of how good a friend she is, ha statement does no bode well though.

HeyDuggee · 07/07/2015 14:15

Yellow, not for every but for the one person who did and paid for my 300 wedding favours, who I left off the seating chart and as a result she didn't even get fed.

Hissy · 07/07/2015 14:20

Just incredulous at what an almighty bitch she is! the favours, the no dinner? seriously girl, you should have dumped her arse faster than her exH did!

Please just decline, "I'm sorry, we won't be able to attend, we wish you all the very best for your future together' or similar.

no excuses, no reasons, just that. If she kicks off, then just say that you can't attend and that's all that needs to be said.

Hemlockinthegarden · 07/07/2015 14:21

Say you are unable to attend and wish her well.

If she gets shirty, remind her that even though you made all her wedding favours, there was no seat at the wedding for you.

BlackeyedSusan · 07/07/2015 14:21

oh my goodness. who are these people who think you can magic £20-£25 extra a week for 9 months. there is always something needing a bit extra.