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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to think that this friend is being unreasonable

198 replies

MoanaLisa · 07/07/2015 09:26

A friend is getting married next Easter, I'm delighted for her and glad she's found The One. However. When she emailed me last week to tell me she was getting married, she said 'I'm telling you now so you'll have plenty of time to save up so you can't use the excuse that you can't afford to come'.

I am unable to work due to ill health. DH works full time but is on a low wage. After all our bills are paid we're left with under £100 a week for food, clothes, etc. My friend knows this. The wedding will be hundreds of miles away so we would have to pay for hotels and travel (around £1000 for me, DH and DS altogether). Then there's clothes and whatever - I have nothing suitable to wear. My friend is very well off and is having a very fancy wedding with a dress code, so we'd all have to have new outfits. It's simply not doable. There is no spare money to save, we're on our uppers as it is. And if we could save a grand, we would be spending it on essential house stuff (parts of our house are actually falling to bits). There's no point me asking her if she'll help - she's saying she's 'stretched' with wedding costs already (which may or may not have been a way of letting me know not to bother asking). Maybe she'll do what she did at her wedding to her exH when she charged every guest £50, including children - that'd help un-'stretch' things Grin

AIBU to think she's being U? And that the wording of her email was a bit rude, too? It's not an 'excuse', it's just the way things are Sad

OP posts:
sparkysparkysparky · 07/07/2015 14:22

What the huh?

whois · 07/07/2015 14:23

One of my friends got mega pissy with another friend who couldn't attend her wedding abroad. This was like a 7h flight away so not a quick weekend job. She was saying "but o have everyone two years to save". Um, yeah, and in the mean time said friend had bought a flat, had to replace the boiler and had general other life expenses!

QuintShhhhhh · 07/07/2015 14:23

What Sylvanian said.

But, you could always dress like Victorian Paupers, and carry card board saying "please feed me, I am hungry".

She is not a friend, btw.

BoyFromTheBigBadCity · 07/07/2015 14:55

OP I agree with sending an email. I'm quite upset on your behalf, but understand how you feel - my sister does this, no understanding that I just do not have the money she does and cannot just pluck it from the air.

Aeroflotgirl · 07/07/2015 15:03

Oh my god op, she humiliated you at her other wedding, whilst you made her invites and favours free of charge. Op that would be the last time I saw her, you classify this woman as a good friend Shock, sorry op good friends do not do this and treat friends like crap. I would have no qualms in saying to her that you cannot afford to go, if you çoukd save extra moneys, it would not be to go to her wedding.

Hidingbehindclouds · 07/07/2015 15:07

Whatever you do say in reply - don't bloody well apologise! Sounds like a pretty shitty friend if you ask me.

QuintShhhhhh · 07/07/2015 15:10

Oh, I just clocked on to what she did at the other wedding.

Maybe you should just push the boat out and reply :
"Why, dont you have any other friends to humiliate? Not coming to your wedding to eat Humble Pie again"

Aeroflotgirl · 07/07/2015 15:10

Op stop making excuses for her, she really is not a very nice person, sorry she is not. It does not sound like she cares a jot about you, I feel she is distancing herself from you anyway, so stop contacting her. Stop being a doormat!

Ohfourfoxache · 07/07/2015 15:41

The more you post the worse she sounds Sad

Seriously, she is not a friend. Drop her - she sounds awful Sad

Aeroflotgirl · 07/07/2015 15:43

Sorry op I am shaking you by yiur virtual collar. You are worth more than this, love yourself, ditch her now!

urbinosparrot · 07/07/2015 15:48

This gets worse and worse - you made 300 favours and invitations free of charge, yet she had the gall to ask you to pay £50 for the wedding breakfast, and when she magnanimously "let you off" paying she didn't provide a meal or even a place setting for you. This really takes the biscuit. How humiliating for you. Did the other people at the table think you had gate-crashed?

Are you in awe of her in some way? Why on earth would you remain in contact after such behaviour? Why does she want so much for you to be there when she actually doesn't seem to care a jot about you?

It sounds harsh and hurtful OP, but some people like to keep minimal contact with friends from the past so that they can impress them with how well they have done in life, a kind of yardstick of how far they themselves have come. Your friend sounds a bit like this.

Just decline politely, and leave it up to her to contact you in the future.

pudcat · 07/07/2015 15:56

Good gracious - you do not have to go. She sounds very selfish. She lives hundreds of miles from you. So even if she is angry she cannot hurt you. You haven't seen her for ages. So just say No

fearandloathinginambridge · 07/07/2015 16:01

If you had the means to save you would already be saving for other stuff not just her wedding. I know what it's like when there really is no capacity to put pennies away never mind pounds.

I think you need to make peace with the fact that by not going to the wedding you are going to lose this friendship - such as it is. From what you have said about the nature of it, it will probably happen sooner or later. If you feel bad take comfort from the fact that she has treated you appallingly (wedding favours/no meal etc) and try to move on.

RandomMess · 07/07/2015 16:04

She's not a friend she is someone who likes to be the centre of attention with a huge crowd.

She was quite happy to cancel visiting you at very short notice and then expects you to shell out ££££ to her wedding when you've not seen her for 5 years and she rarely replies to your emails.

sparkysparkysparky · 07/07/2015 16:06

I think she wants to show you off at the wedding, albeit briefly, as proof she is also a good person who keeps her friends from childhood. Which she is not.

Hemlockinthegarden · 07/07/2015 16:07

One wedding was enough!

AyeAmarok · 07/07/2015 16:09

OP YANBU.

Is this particularly a friendship you are desperate to salvage? Sounds like it's all one sided (Eg her not replying to your emails or letters) so maybe just reply with Sylv's message and just leave it.

nilbyname · 07/07/2015 16:15

She's a horrible person, and honestly you sound like a mug! Where's your self respect?! She didn't feed you at her last wedding?!?!

I would tell her to Jeff off!

wafflyversatile · 07/07/2015 16:15

Whenever I read about these sorts of people I always wonder if they notice that other people don't charge them to attend their wedding etc, and what they think about that?

Do they think

Other people are mugs for not charging, no wonder they're always skint?

or

Well we spent a lot of money to have a really special wedding so it's fair enough that people should contribute something because I didn't just get ordinary confetti, mine had swarovski crystals in it and I didn't have enough money to make it so special without contributions?

or

I gave her a lift that one time in 1992 so she totally owes me?

Or what?

Anyway the answer is decline the invitation. Insert sweary words and a few home truths while you're at it if you are so inclined.

VerityWaves · 07/07/2015 16:21

Omg you made the favours and you didn't get a meal at last wedding! Shock I am totally shocked you are stil in touch with this ghastly woman!
I personally would write;
Thank you for the invitation but I'm afraid won't be attending this X - all the best
Kind regards
And then just drop her like bad habit..

wafflyversatile · 07/07/2015 16:26

Drop her like a good habit. They always seem a lot easier to drop! Hmm Grin

Kreeshsheesh · 07/07/2015 16:35

What selfish woman she is!!!

plutonimum · 07/07/2015 16:36

Perhaps you could mock up a "this email address does not exist any more" email and have done with her.

IamtheDevilsAvocado · 07/07/2015 16:55

No not 'horseshit', yellowdinosaur again... as sparkysparky and heydugee have said and correctly say... . I would offer/reimburse someone who had done so much and already paid out of her own pocket for my decs... Especially knowing they were skint...

So, for every party you've ever thrown you've paid any travel or accommodation costs for all your guests have you iamthedevilsavocado?

ToGrapefruit · 07/07/2015 17:05

At her last wedding i made all the wedding favours and invitations (I used to do a lot of crafting) because she asked me to. It was at my expense but I didn't mind, I was happy she asked me. However when she charged me to go to the wedding then told me that she'd let me off because I couldn't afford it, and then didn't have a place set for me at the reception...

Breath taking meanness, astonishing rudeness.

OP, why on earth are you still friends/ remotely in contact with this woman? I am quite outraged at her absolute rudeness and disrespect towards you.

A person who treats anyone like she treated you at her first wedding, and who then follows it up by putting pressure on you in such an insensitive and selfish way- she's not a nice person at all. She's horrible.

Send her a reply, tell her that you can't go to her wedding, and then explain that you don't want to be in touch with her anymore, because she's nasty, selfish and incredibly rude. I know this is probably a step too far but honestly, I think you should print of this thread and send it to her as well. She needs to understand that if she treats people like shit, it makes her a shit friend, and a shit person.

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